Saturday, August 22

The Gift of Acceptance

I wana make up right now na na,
I wana make up right now na na,
Wish we never broke up right now na na,
We need to link up right now na na…

Gosh, how I love that song! It just blows my mind away… The seductive beats, the gurgling voice of Akon and the entire mood the song sets… It’s super wow!

Have you seen the rains lashing the city at dawn for the last 3 days? They're scary... Like an alarm, the downpour starts at 3.30 am and goes on for a good 2 hours, making me thankful for having a roof on my head. I pity those on the streets that suffer the fury of Varun deva...

Hey, I've had a haircut... Back to the damke-damke, bouncing hair. No more long tresses for me, at least for a couple of months! And I bought a new pen-drive a couple fo weeks ago. A 2 GB Transcend. Exceptionally pleased with myself :-)

A movie I watched the day before on HBO touched my heart (as do most other things in this world). Called Sweet Nothing in my Ear, it was about this deaf girl who weds a hearing man, and they have a partially deaf son. The film relates how the man wants his son to have an implant that will help him hear, but the mother wants the son to live as he is, and decide for himself, as an adult, if he wants any such chip in his brain. The sign language was the biggest attraction in the movie for me, but what was equally appreciable was the realisation that so many times, we choose what is good for us under the pretext of doing something nice for someone else. Life has given us the freedom to make our own choices, and each should choose what is best for him/her; nobody else can...

Bet you can see how wonderfully my GMAT is shaping up... Jokes apart, I’m hard at work all day (which includes 5 hours of back2back training, followed by regular blogging), watching movies, surfing for stuff on swine flu and pronunciation, and doing just about everything other than going through my practice material. I really need a whack on the head, but frankly that won’t help much coz I’m sick of preparing. Even in school and college, my friends used to start their revision months in advance and I used to wait until the very last 2 weeks. Why? Coz I’d forget what I’d studied in advance anyway by the time my exam date came by, so why waste time preparing? (Of course, nobody believed me when I said that. “Kahitarich kay, 2 vela revision jhaali asel tujhi!”)

Hearing about people who’ve slogged their a** for months on end for the GMAT freaked me out, and I studied for no less than 5-6 hours for almost a week towards the end of July. And then, kapoot. Now I congratulate myself even if I finish a measly mock test… Such is life! Of course, I have no idea what I was thinking when I planned to give the GMAT after just studying the OG in 2 weeks. Now at least, I have Kaplan, Princeton and Barron behind me... And somehow I'm feeling very optimistic and calm :-) Touch wood!

All said and done, I’m as prepared now as I shall ever be. I really see no scope of enhancing my math and verbal aptitude anymore. My eyes are strained and my head is raped, and I am sick of studying. Practice may make someone else perfect, to me, it just irritates and bores. Hardly 72 hours left for my actual test, and I’m hoping I don’t give it in a frustrated and ek-baar-ka-khatam-kar-yaar way… If I get below 670, I’ll shoot myself.

The news is Indiblogger has ranked my blog Number 75/100. While I'm aware that 5 is my favorite/lucky number, I'd still have been happier if the rank had been 5, or even 15... But you see, I don't get to choose... Thanks, anyway, Renie Ravin and other Indibloggers! I ACCEPT this rank... Just like I have ACCEPTED that I won't be scoring anywhere over 700 in my GMAT. (If I do, you guys get a treat!! Cmon now, start praying!!)

Acceptance is such a bliss! Once you accept things, they cease to bother you and you feel so much at ease and peace. I mean think about the last time you were sad. What was the reason? Did somebody not behave as you wanted them to? Did you expect something and it did not turn out that way? Or vice versa? I get irritated at times cos I wana surprise some folks, and they don't react as expected...

My history with acceptance has been a stormy one. I've forever had issues with people, God and things about why-was-it-like-this-and-why-didn't-that-occur... Call it demanding, but I want my life and people around me to be reasonably predictable and caring. I find it tough to handle ambiguity and constant change (=not a typo, I know the terms are contradictory).

The result? I get impatient and downright rude with my friends, family and acquaintances. If they can't be bothered to care about me, why the hell should I oblige? However, now I realise that I'd have saved myself and (probably) others a lot of pain if I had just shrugged, said "Chalta hai yaar, koi load nahi" and moved on without any grudges. Acceptance is the key, see?

Possibly the earliest memory I have where I had a problem with my own self was when I conjured the thought that my "assets" and "looks" weren't marvellous when in school. I ached to be as pretty as the other "popular" girls, and I still cringe when I recall the ugly way a few evil classmates used to poke fun at me, courtesy my sun-kissed dusky complexion (which is now thought to be appealing) and my specs (that I continue to love to hate). Now, when my schoolmates and others see me, they literally have a heart-attack. The ugly duckling has become a swan... Or atleast a crane... No more a dumb crow :-)

The gift of acceptance is the best present you can give to anybody around you. Including yourself. I have now accepted the way I look, I don't want bigger *whatevers* or a fairer color. I'm ok the way I am (though I would love to see the world directly void my glasses). I'm sure God has made me a particular way for a particular reason, and I shall not insult his decision by hating myself or my life. I love you, Anuja! Muaaaaahhhh... And I love you readers, though I would sure appreciate it if you could comment more often and not just be passive readers!! (Conditions apply every where, no free lunches in the 21st century!!!)

Life is rosier and less complicated when acceptance becomes a daily virtue. Just let things be what they are, and enjoy your zen-like state where "live and let live" is the mantra. Nope, don't settle for mediocrity. Especially where you yourself and your abilities are concerned. But after adequate effort has been made, realise that things had to be this way. Commiting suicide for a measly 10th grade marksheet? Not worth it, right? Accept... Once you grow up, people will care a sh** about whether you even went to school... Don't define yourself by such trivial matters. Agreed, things din't end well, but there's more to life and you than one stupid test...
(Even the GMAT for that matter, ahem!)

Each time I've planned to give up expecting, I've noticed that I become more easygoing and serene. And that's the way I wana be! It feels great! Unfortunately, people feel weird when I start acting "cool". They cannot handle this un-Anuja-ic behavior and they ask me what's wrong... They think I'm detached and unruffled... Am I going away from them?? No, I'm just trying to improve myself so I come closer to you :-)

I have a horrible temper that flares up over the slightest issue, and a razor-sharp tongue that has no reins. I love with all my heart, yet I also hurt some people, including those I love. I'm trying to be calm and accommodating... It's a challenge, but in the end, I realize that it's a win-win for all...

Is that what we call maturity? Is that what growing up is all about? Knowing when you cannot change things and/or people, and learning to give up waiting, expecting or demanding?

Well, I'm growing up then :-)

I wana grow up right now na na...



Reema Sahay said...

Good one, it was as if you were thinking and writing down your flow of thoughts, but very well captured, really!
P.S. I also want to see the world without specs. I am dreaded by the fact that I might be inching towards blindness :(

ani_aset said...

nicely put anuja..dont worry you have a mate here who is stuck on one book of CFA for past 3 months :P..and i thought i had started early.

What you said about acceptance is so true, satisfaction is the right word i would say.

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