Tuesday, September 29

Ganpati Bappa More-ya!

Hello there. 

Times are better, and I thank you all for I don't know which one of yours' prayer worked for me. That's why I dropped in sooner this time - to express my gratitude and relieve all you worried folks who dropped notes with your love, wishing me strength and joy. 

Bright dawns appear after the darkest of nights, and I lived my hell last week. Things were downright ugly, so much so, that the future could bring nothing but improvement. Whilst I cannot call life perfect just yet, I am hopeful that with time and patience, and some hard work on all fronts, the situation might turn positive. Maybe Ganpati Bappa could not bear to see me breaking any more, and he flipped my life on its head. 

Wish the Lord does the same with you and yours :-)

Ganpati Bappa Morya!!
The news this time around is that my little bub has started going to daycare. Day 1 was obviously not a breeze, and the teacher had me come pick him up 2 hours after he was dropped. The poor chap obviously felt lost and abandoned, and it broke my heart to see him wailing for me. 

Oh the woes of modern life! If I did not have to worry about my monthly pay cheque, I would give up my job and take care of the tiny angel day and night. However, the bills don't pay themselves, and our expenses are far from humble. Somebody rightly said - I purchased a house and thought I'd rest in it, but the needs of the house have made me an eternal traveler. I have so many dreams and so many plans, for myself and my child. Don't know how much I will be able to do, and whether he will appreciate it or not when he comes of age. But, I don't want him to be thinking of money all the time, and not living his life the way he wishes because his mother did not have more than enough to provide for him.

No, I don't mean I was raised in penury. However, I was more than aware that my parents did not have legacies named after them, and they went through some very tough times. This scarred my attitude for life, and money became a critical factor in all that I thought and did. "Budget" and "negotiation" were my watch words, and I have a work experience of over 10 years (at my age) coz I started working when I was a teen, to pay for my expenses and not be a burden on my family. I missed all those coffee hangouts with my friends, as my wallet bore just enough money to travel by bus to college, and I even shoplifted once (more on a dare than for selfish intents) to jazz up my clubbing wardrobe. 

The stories we all harbor inside us! 

I recall someone quoted that there is a book inside each one of us, and I heartily agree. 

Though of course, not all need to be told and read, and hence, I shall stop my autobiography here.

Hope you all are enjoying the spate of long weekends! Three in a row, but marred by the fact that there is absolutely no rain and the weather is dry and scalding hot. Pune is going through a water crisis and many areas get water supply once in two days. We're lucky, in our side of town, to have water all day (thanks to tankers) but I fear to think what will happen during the peak summer season what with the monsoons giving us a miss this year. Farmer suicides and so much loss. Darn this climate. And add to it, Syria and Hajj, and the globe looks a sorry picture...

Let's pray for us all, everyone. Someday, hopefully, things will get rosier. For you, for me, and for everybody. 


Wednesday, September 9

An Agonizing Life

Hey there!

Rather than giving you the same old sh*t about apologies for my disappearance, let me give you an honest confession on what's been keeping me on my toes. 

Of course you know that Aarush is the most critical element of my life (and routine) now. In a few years' time, he will want to keep away from me and I'll be suffering from the empty nest syndrome as my boy experiences life in all its joys and adventures. Yet right now, I am the center of his universe. Hell, I AM his universe. He clings to me all the while and can't be kept away even if I beg and plead or shout. I could be busy on the phone, and he could be busy with his toys (not his actual toys, but stuff like my slippers or rubbish on the floor, or the dustbin or spoons and tumblers) but physically we need to be connected as far as he is concerned. It's really cool to be loved and wanted like that, some of you might agree, but it also gets a little too suffocating sometimes when he cries and crawls behind me even into the loo, not just when I need to relieve myself (after hours of waiting) but also as I wash my hands after wiping his poop. 

So, I got to get up, get the food ready, feed my little angel, get ready for work and leave. I am generally an hour behind schedule by the time I report to work, but I manage to get my 8 hour tasks wound up in 3-4 hours through sheer diligence and hard+smart work. The clock beckons every hour, but I wait it out until I absolutely must go back to my bub. Apparently, he doesn't cry when I am away, but I still imagine him making that sad (and yummy) face and bawling when I refuse to hold him in my arms (for all of 10 seconds). 

Physically and health-wise, I am a mess. I do not get the time to eat or sleep well, and my weight is back to pre-pregnancy, if not less. (Yeah, I was looking forward to this landmark event, but it doesn't thrill me when I feel dizzy and black out while standing). I can't recall the last time I slept for anything over 2 hours at  stretch, and not all of it can be ascribed to my baby. I have no choice but to blame my spouse who finds it very easy and convenient to spend 12-15 hours at work everyday (night, since he works shifts and also parties post work) as I lie awake and fret about his return and safety, and my lost youth and newly-found loneliness.   

Really, sometimes I wonder, all that struggle and war, only to wed someone who finds happiness at work and with colleagues? The way we are with each other is two dichotomous extremes: either we're all over each other and folks hold us as ideal /lucky couple or we're at each others' throats, eager to get away and yet unable to do so coz we "love" each other. 

I believe in destiny but I'm also doubting if anything can be worse than this.

Yaya, I know such things are not meant to be disclosed in public, but hell, there is just no limit to what's negative between us, and from each one's perspective, we're better off without the other. He ignores me at best and abuses me at worst. All this, as I see merry, mushy updates on FB vouching how much couples love each other and how fortunate they are to have each other, and how crucial they are to each other. From what I can see, I have become a wife with none of the perks and all of the inconveniences. Take care of the house, husband and child plus work full time, and absolutely no social or romantic life, let aside adventure and bliss. Not the life I'd wished and planned for. My memories reek of pain and sorrow, and all that keeps me going is Aarush's smile and a hope for a better tomorrow, which doesn't seem anywhere on the horizon. 

That's what comes of marrying in haste, and marrying someone without sensibly weighing your pro's and con's, compatibility, maturity, upbringing, personality and culture. 

So, the only time I have for myself is when Aarush drifts off to dreamland and I catch up on Splitsvilla 8 (what a bunch of morons!) or read (Shunali Khullar Shroff is a laugh riot in "Battle Hymn of a Bewildered Mother", and Kavita Kane's "The Outcast's Wife" is a pretty interesting read too). I also do some paid writing work in my spare time, and all these are the reasons I have been unable to write to you for the last 2 months. 

Movies are a part of my life again as Aarush sleeps through the late night ones, so I recently watched Brothers and Manjhi. Liked the former, the latter drags though it is a very inspirational tale about one man achieving the "impossible". 

Life's too short, they say, to be someone you're not or do something that you hate. 

I'm having to do it, coz I choose responsibility and loyalty over my freedom and happiness. I'd love to blame my parents for instilling these rare values in me and burdening me with self-expectations, but then they're not wrong - it's the ones who can't appreciate and reciprocate that should be punished and taught a lesson. 

Maybe I'm chasing a mirage, maybe my thoughts and dreams are silly. Or maybe I am living with someone who has messed with my head so much that the only emotions in my life are tears and insecurity, and a resignation to fate and depression.

Until God helps me tide over this and come back with a cheerful story...

Cheers and good luck to you.
(Lonely) princess 

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