You, Me and Stress (Part 6)

Namaste pretty fellas!

Ready for gyaan session 6 by John baba and Anuja baby?
LOL.

This post's got some smart tips for building and nurturing your relationships… Happy reading!

- The greatest pain comes from withholding your love. We want our partners to like being with us, to feel safe, free and cherished in our presence. To reach this goal, freedom, acceptance, trust and understanding are vital.

- Many couples feel a heaviness in their lives because they believe they have to sacrifice themselves to please their partners. This attitude needs to change. Think of it not as a sacrifice, but as a way to be considerate towards your partner. She doesn’t mistrust or control you when you drive or make decisions, you just have different needs and thresholds. You needn’t stop driving fast completely, just slow down a little with her. This is positive sacrifice, that is worthwhile for both.

- Successful relations are those where people can discuss and resolve issues. Loving support, good communication and healthy compromise are what Mr. Gray prescribes. Coz when differences create distance, passion perishes.

(Wow, that’s a lovely line, eh? The last one I mean… I’m just too good ;-) Hehe…)

- Stress is the primary reason why people, especially couples, fight. And their volatility is expressed in markedly unique ways. Women become emotional and express their feelings and thoughts, while men get detached and rush to resolve the issue. Women tend to share and discuss, men rush to take action. Not surprisingly then, women appear overemotional, unreasonable and demanding to the men, and men are deemed arrogant, righteous and uncaring by the women. And then starts the fault-finding and name-calling. Such a simple flow chart!

What is of the essence, though, is that we are tackling and arguing about the main problem only for the first few minutes. Post that, we are actually fighting about the WAY the other person is fighting (getting emotional versus being unconcerned). The focus shifts from the point of concern to the partner – he/she becomes our problem! Convincing your partner to agree with your point of view can turn any discussion into a disagreement.

The antidote to this is effective communication and the maturity to stay on track and avoid the easy pitfalls. This might require you to take a time-out coz arguing further is only going to worsen matters. A woman talks more when stressed, causing a man to become further aggressive. (Remember all men can do is “fight or flight”?) When this happens, the guy starts attacking the woman by hurting her feelings and the woman continues to yak and complain. Basically the situation goes downhill at breakneck speed…

Talking is the best way to solve things on Venus, and walking away from a conversation or “taking a break / time-out” is a downright insult. While this reduces stress in a woman, it pushes the stressed man over the edge. Hence, a woman, for the benefit of herself and her partner, ought to talk to another woman (preferably not a family member) if she’s worried about something, release her frustrations and then talk more objectively to the man later, WITHOUT expecting him to respond like a woman!

To de-escalate a prevailing argument, a man should try to listen and a woman should appreciate the man for what he does well. Ideally, the couple should talk only about the problem, a woman should not talk eternally about her feelings and the man should not tell the woman how she is supposed to feel. Easier said than done huh?!!

- It is hard for a woman to remain open and receptive when she feels her partner doesn’t care, and it’s hard for the man to be supportive when he believes he’s being called “the bad guy”. Simply put, she wants to feel that she matters and he wants to be appreciated.

- Honesty does not mean that you lose patience, flexibility and empathy. Moreover, when your partner is upset, no amount of logical or legitimate reasoning will help. Knowing when to speak and when to hold your tongue is probably one of the most essential lessons in relationships. Hearing the other person out without offering solutions or passing judgement is often the best, most effective and harmonious way to deal with stressful situations. Else, set expectations and clearly state what your need from that discussion is… makes things easier for the both of you…

- Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women. This means considering her needs and not just his own. If a man is sensitive about his needs and feelings, a woman feels responsible and maternal towards him. A needy man is a huge turnoff to women.

Been there, done that. I come across as a smart, independent, intelligent woman so I’ve had men coming to me with all their troubles. I don’t mind, but when I become only the shoulder to cry on and abandoned when the guy goes sniffing for fun company, I object. I can’t behave like a mother with the one I love. I want to be taken care of, more than the reverse! So guys, learn to be a MAN in the real sense and stop wallowing and whining in front of your partners. Be strong and intelligent when you deal with people and situations. Don’t expect a woman to keep guiding you and then feel bad when she doesn’t respect you or look up to you as her saviour. Can’t have the pie and eat it too, right?!

- There are 14 common mistakes that men and women make in a fight, these are obviously two separate lists and quite elaborate. The ones that I nodded enthusiastically over are (from the women’s list) “how could you…”, using negative or always/never terminology, complaining than requesting, non-stop talking and comparison, digging out skeletons, and (from the men’s list) making condescending comments, interrupting her, tit for tat, and helplessly and forcibly agreeing with her.

- One thing that I found a little odd (and disturbing) was John Gray saying that it’s naive to believe that partners must share everything in order to be intimate. You don’t have to say everything that you think, do or feel, nor should you seek your partner to fulfil every need. There’s a reason that there are several people in your life, connect with them! This majorly went against my childhood belief, but with time, I’ve realised that it makes tremendous sense and reduces the friction in your relationship.

(P.S : Of course, you want to make an informed decision based on your relationship and your partner’s personality. These days men and women deviate so much from the set standard, that it’s hard to figure out whether these universal truths and recommendations are really accurate. I’ve met men who are more emotional than women, and women who are more independent and aloof than men. The learning never ends…)

And on a parting note, some food for thought…
- Sometimes, willingly or inadvertently, people use their emotional outbursts or the silent treatment to manipulate others. These are dysfunctional behaviours, not real gender differences. Beware and avoid them if you wish to share a fruitful, honest and effective bond with the person you love.

Let the love blossom!

Cheerio!
Princess

You, Me and Stress (Part 5)

Aloha!

5's my lucky number and so, I'm going to make this post a little more personal and special...

A valuable point I came across in the Mars-Venus book (apart from those that I’ve already shared earlier) is the 90/10 principle. This means that men provide only 10% of the peace and happiness that women desire; the other 90% is what the woman herself is responsible for and it comes from various people in various ways. So, if a woman desires 100% support from her partner at every juncture, she’s setting herself up for disappointment. A woman is wrong in expecting her partner to be her primary source of love, support and understanding.

BOOM! Did I just wreck your world? Mine sure did…

I’ve lived my entire life believing that women rely on men for everything tiny and huge. So what if they can now earn and fend for themselves, a man is still supposed to be chivalrous and give a woman every damn thing be it mental, physical, emotional or material. Apparently not.

As Gray says, “let him top it off”, which basically means you have to be already happy for him to please you, else nothing he does will be satisfactory.

No wonder then that I have often experienced and expressed disapproval when a guy did not live up to my expected action or reaction. I was down in the dumps and waiting for him to lift me and place me on the throne, when in reality I had to be the one hauling myself up and steadying myself so that he could come and seat me down.

Let me be honest – this sounds unfair and absolutely ridiculous to me. I mean if he cannot be there to help in times of need, then why is he there in the first place? If I can’t count on him to make me smile, then why should I stand by him when he’s crying? Just because being kind and caring comes naturally to me and not to him does not mean that he seeks solace from me and I keep getting frustrated and lonely in unpleasant situations...

And let me confess, I’ve often ended friendships due to this reason. If I am there for you, I expect you to be there for me. If you endlessly approach me only in difficulty or boredom, I’m certainly not going to hang around forever as you abandon me when life dishes me out troubles. It’s gotta be just and rational, right? I ain’t a saint!

The author lists out 100 things a woman should do to make herself feel nice. Which isn’t such a bad idea, after all. I’ve ticked out 20-odd activities that I engage in when I want to pamper myself or just take it easy. A few examples? Visit the salon, go shopping, catch up with girlfriends, sing, read and blah.

The gist being, that when a woman is upset, she ought to talk to a friend or a counsellor or herself (in the form of writing a journal or speaking to the mirror), rather than her partner. A man will 98% of the times say something inappropriate and further stress her. So, the woman needs to calm down herself and then when she is relaxed, speak to her partner if she desires. A guy can only solve problems, not discuss them and give emotional bliss.

Sigh.

That’s a very pertinent and profound realization. One that can possibly mend a million relationships around the world. At least for women like me, who harbour absurd beliefs about their partners and relationships…

Here is an attention-grabbing paragraph: When men take time for themselves, women tend to feel rejected and neglected. The opposite is true for men; by taking time out for herself, a woman actually helps a man feel like a success in the relationship. Leaving a man alone and ignoring him is sometimes the best way support him. But women do not grasp this because they feel neglected or last priority when he doesn’t anticipate her needs. The truth is his brain does not work the same way! A man wants a woman to do less for him, and let him do more for her, in order to feel successful. Men need to feel needed and women need to feel they are not alone.

The writer goes on to elaborate about how women keep score in their relationships where points are given and cut for every single thing that both partners do or not do. It does not matter whether the action is big or small. Something that men do not comprehend. They do one big thing and then relax, forgetting that it only means one point. Instead, they can do ten tiny things that are meaningful and would earn them ten brownie points! So, it is not what you do, it is how much you do that counts.

Important: Hugs get men more points than actually providing for the family. Showing interest and concern are also easy ways to win. And voicing a thought before performing the action also doubles the number of points earned. Ka-ching!

There are also a 100 ways enumerated that a man can achieve more points with a woman. Examples are compliment her, love notes, common courtesies, hugs and verbal expressions of love, etc. (These I’ve ticked more than 30 of… not surprising, eh?)

Women, being experts at racking up points, also compute their man to be a zero when she seems to have done a lot more than him. A man is happy when he is winning, but when a woman has more points, she feels like she is losing. She needs their points to be balanced to feel his love and support. Receiving and giving need to be balanced for her to feel secure and happy about their relationship.

When women begin to feel they are not getting enough in return, they tend to give with strings attached. They give with negativity and anger, and count how much they are getting in return. She may still love her partner, but is willing to end the relationship as she feels resentful and dissatisfied. She has nothing left to give.

But let’s not end on a gloomy note. Here’s a juicy titbit… Especially for men and women of the 21^st century :-)

Sex helps men release stress. They easily roll over and sleep. This is because they have a need for distance immediately after sex. On the other hand, women have a greater need to connect at that time.

Both need to understand their different needs, and make some minor changes if they want to be happy together and avoid bad feelings. Coz finally, these get pent up and lead to an explosion in the future that can destroy both their peace and joys.

Hope these pointers are helping you sort out the ruffles in your relationship! I'm planning to take a print out and post them all over my house when I'm married... Never know when one of these wise words will prove advantageous and effective...

So long!

Cheerio!
Princess

You, Me and Stress (Part 4)

Helllooooooo!

Ready for the gyaan session?

Buckle up!!

Let’s start with something extremely important…
- Men and women don’t complain about their partners when they are feeling good. Problems emerge when we are frazzled. Unrealistic expectations (such as that our partners be more like us) emerge when we attempt to get our partner’s help to lower our stress. The problem is never just our partner, it is also our inability to cope with tension and anxiety. It is unreasonable to expect our brains to suddenly adapt and thinking/behaving patterns to change.

In fact, going by experience, people NEVER change. Every transformation that you observe is bound to be artificial and temporary. As is reiterated in the Hollywood flick Ugly Truth, men are incapable of growth, change or progress… (I didn’t say it, don’t pass judgements on my being feministic!)

So, I guess your best bet would be to adjust with your partner the way he/she is, and in case you find that some qualities and aspects are just too annoying or unbearable to live with, then don’t commit. You’ll make life hell for both of you by making that decision, and then expecting him/her to alter habits hardened by time and environment.

- Women find comfort in talking about their problems and men prefer to retreat. This explains why she wants to interact and discuss things, while he withdraws into his cave to forget the problems of the day. Faced with stress, a man will often become quiet. Saying “forget it” is fruitless to hassled women, while a man can simply disconnect if exhausted.

This simple difference can be destructive if not appreciated or respected. When a man needs time alone or doesn’t want to talk, it doesn’t mean he cares less for his partner. Her strong emotional reactions don’t mean she doesn’t appreciate what he does for her.

Brief and direct comments that appear supportive from the Mars perspective can be downright insulting to Venus. She needs to be heard and understood to feel better, and a man usually focuses on solving her problems which leads to arguments and discontent on both sides.

I can cite N number of instances where I’ve taken hard knocks because either I felt rejected when the person expressed a desire (directly or indirectly) to be alone, or a person refused to understand (purposely or involuntarily) that I merely wanted to speak and reduce my frustration.

However, I must also share that there are times when I want to be left alone, and hence, I can empathize when a man expresses the same need. “Express” being the keyword. He has to SAY that he wants to be by himself, as this will assure the woman that it is not she who is annoying him, and he needs to convalesce in solitude. An unsaid assumption also being that he will approach her himself once he feels better...

It would be, thus, fair to say that expectations should be set in taxing situations. So, the woman clearly states, “I need to vent and I would like you to listen” and the man says, “Give me some time alone, and I’ll talk to you when I am back to normal.”

Of course, different people may think differently about this, yet I am going to risk a generalization here. Your comments are welcome!

- A woman has a never-ending to-do list; there is always something that needs to be done. If a man tries to change her perspective about something, she will feel misunderstood and bitter. He will feel defeated and stop trying coz nothing he does is useful. Instead of comparing and prioritizing her actions, men should just listen with interest and empathy and behave thoughtfully.

Things might get a little subjective here. “Behaving thoughtfully” could mean different things to different women. To one, it might mean the guy helping around the house. To another, it might just mean some advice. To a third one, it might mean something else. What remains common to all three, is that the guy should listen CAREFULLY and with INTEREST. On so many occasions, guys only pretend to be paying attention, and it’s a big turn off and irritant. Don’t blame us if that stresses or annoys us women. And once stressed, it’s child’s play for us to stress you out and bash you up. Beware!!

In continuation to the above…
- Men think that relaxing comes before tending to the home. He anyway operates better in emergency situations than mundane tasks, and resting is generally his first priority. What is of the essence, though, is that he has a genuine need to replenish his energy; what a woman considers laziness is actually a real requirement for him on a physical and mental level. Connecting at this time will stress him out further.

On the other hand, a woman can’t rest even if she wants to when there is work to be done. Stress levels increase for women when they return home because there is so much to be accomplished.

She will expect her man to notice, and do things, and he won’t. If she asks him to do it, he thinks she is nagging and do the job so half-heartedly that she would think it was better to do it herself.

The solution is – she needs to ask for his help in specific ways instead of criticising or rejecting him. Give him projects to complete rather than steps to follow. Easy wins motivate a man to do more. Don’t expect him to pitch in, just ASK. And ask directly. If you expect men to notice/conclude for themselves, then you’re mistaken.

Also, unsolicited help from a woman can annoy the man, when he is working on a task. What she sees as loving on her part, and helping him reach his potential, is viewed as interference by him. If you really want to be helpful, appreciate him for what he does.

Now this is interesting…
- It’s natural for men to look at other women. Don’t get offended or doubt him. But he should keep it respectful and brief, and follow it up with more attention and affection to his partner. A woman needs to trust that a man cares for her as much as she cares for him.

I used to feel restless about guys (even friends) ogling at other chics when we were out together. It made me feel less appealing and attractive. However, I learnt soon enough that if I tease the guy and he responds in a casual but genuine way, the situation will pass without any negativity. It actually becomes a joke for life.

How a guy behaves when he watches the girl and how he responds to the girl with him on being questioned is also vital. After all, a girl will not fall for crap and trust you if the evidence points otherwise. As John Gray has written, “look, but don’t drool!” And hey, the same applies to women too, in case they are “bird-watching” the guy should be ok with it! No emotional blackmail and nautanki allowed!!


Gotta wind up… There’s so much to share, I quite lose track of time and space!

G’day bud :-) And give a biiiiiiiiiiig hug to the one you love… The best way to make her and your day…

Cheerio!
Princess

You, Me and Stress (Part 3)

This article takes the last one a step further. Three excerpts that stem out of and connect with our last two thoughts about men not being Hollywood heroes and routine dulling the sheen of a relationship. Missed it? Click here to read…

Today’s gems:

Excerpt 1 - A woman should not expect her partner to fulfil all her needs. She needs to build a support system of friends and family that she can talk to and hang out with. Her partner cannot be there all the time for her, and she cannot depend on him all the time for her emotional needs.

Excerpt 2 - Lucky is the woman who is able to appreciate what a man can offer, she continues to get more and more. Lucky is the man who is able to meet his own needs and then respond to a woman’s need for help around the house, good communication and regular romance coz he comes home to a happy woman.

Excerpt 3 - Men are attracted to women who can appreciate and trust them, and forgive them for forgetting. Each time she complains, demands, gets upset or doesn’t ask for help, she is passing on the message that he is a failure. She, thus, pushes his support away. He becomes exhausted in her presence. She is rejecting his love when she focuses on what she is NOT getting.

Hummm hummmm hummmmmmm…

I don’t know what to say. The points above say it all.

But what I have in my head right now are flashing images of the times when I have dealt with crisis and stress coz I was not open to the lessons above.

I expected the person (friend/partner) to fix it all and take complete onus of me and my life. I was asking for more and more, and I might have missed chances to appreciate what I was already getting. It’s like “haan ye toh sab theek hai, par uska kya hua?” Focussing on what is absent. Looking at what is not being done or said. Bad bad bad. But true nevertheless.

Taking this forward…

- We are often too busy to see what is obvious. A man will give his heart and soul to provide for his family and return home too tired to even talk with them. A woman will give and give to support her husband and children and then resent them for not giving back. Too exhausted to resolve relationship issues, we think our partners are too demanding or too different to understand.

- Women expect men to react and behave the way women do, and men continue to misunderstand what women really need. Women today return from work and wish that a loving and supportive wife was waiting for them. Men, who have seen their fathers being welcomed by their mothers, also expect the same from their wives. Both need to adjust their expectations. Women have to stop creating unrealistic expectations and men to need to stop clinging to their old beliefs.

- Instead of thinking “what’s wrong with my partner?”, you need to ponder what’s wrong with the way you are approaching him/her. Understand natural differences in coping with stress and how things affect each other. Instead of thinking that your partner is purposely being inconsiderate, believe that he is clueless but means well. Always remember this golden rule - You have the power to bring out the best in your partner.

Now I know some of this might appear as gyaan, and entirely hypothetical and impractical. But guys, have we really given it a shot? If we don’t stop persevering in other areas of life, if we don’t give up on out ambitions and professions, then how the hell is it justified to let go of a relationship that could blossom just because you stumbled a few times?

Watched the Hollywood movie “Ugly Truth”? It’s an entertaining film, great acting, terrific storyline and actors that you could gawk at forever, namely.

The movie is about a guy who hosts a very popular TV show by the same name as the movie. The theme is based on how men don’t care and those that appear to do are pretending. So, men basically fool women into believing different things, and women can manipulate men to achieve what they wish. It’s a rom-com (romantic comedy) and a good Sunday afternoon watch.

Personally, I’ve had trouble accepting that men never change or progress or grow. They are what they are so there is no point in trying to change them – you’re wasting your own time. There might be temporary changes, but that is exactly what they are: temporary. And when the man snaps back into normalcy, you’re in for a shock. Instead, let them be what they are, and decide whether their being what they are is ok with you… Simple?!! Extremely effective, believe you me.

That’s it for now…

Ciao!
Princess

You, Me and Stress (Part 2)

For those needing introduction on this series revolving around Why Mars and Venus Collide by John Gray, pls click here:

The others, let’s dive straight into the discussion…

Excerpt - People are more tolerant and positive at the beginning of a relationship. After sometime, routine sets in and men focus on work and other activities to stimulate themselves. Women feel their expectations will not be met, so they lose optimism, hope and trust in the relation. She tries to bring the magic back, but when her efforts are not reciprocated, she loses her glow and motivation. His detachment and her increased attention to their loss of connection builds tension in the relation and they drift further apart.

I bet many of us have been through this phase, the time when a partner (usually the woman) says “nothing’s like it used to be, things were so much merrier and better, and now, the magic is gone…”


It’s nothing but the dullness of routine. Once the partners have been wooed and introduced to each other’s personalities and preferences, it’s BAU (Business As Usual) and the spark goes away. As the movie “Saathiya” accurately portrays: the woman wants a hug and the man says people are watching, the woman complains that he doesn’t charm her and consider her important as he used to, and he states that they’re past the dating stage and there are other more significant things to do as they’re now man and wife and responsible for each other…

Why talk about Bollywood illustrations, this is something all of us have seen and felt. In a new relation, be it a friend or lover, we’re so accommodating. We’re still getting to know the person so most things he or she does are taken with respectful patience and maybe curiosity about the individual and his lifestyle or coping techniques. But as time passes, you think you know it all, and you start predicting a person and becoming irritable and uncomfortable with almost everything that is typical of him or her.


Thankfully for men, they can ignore a woman and live without cribbing too much. A woman isn’t capable of this. Most women will be very verbose and expressive about the fact that something is irking them. When they complain, they are expecting the man to understand how they feel and what they expect. But a man can’t do that. He takes it as nagging, going by the words and gestures used by the woman. If only the men would catch the subtle signals and the underlying message, then women will feel their concern and love, and watch how the conversation and their relation turns around.

Another glaring evidence is that earlier the man loves spending all his time with the woman. He snatches time out for her whenever possible and cancels all other appointments to be with her on critical occasions or to make the simple occasions memorable. However, with time, most things related to the woman become trivial, and the man finds it “necessary” to “oblige” others with his company and attention. Notice the increase in “guy time” after the relation gets a little stale? Women think about the previous times when they were number one priority and fume inside as the guy calmly gets ready to go and party the night away with the gang, unaware how restless his wife is with this plan. She’d rather have him stay and re-create their old magic together.


So many articles, magazines and counselling avenues talk about how to keep the partner interested through sex, conversation, adventure and quality time. Very few of them say that both the partners need to be ready to accept that things will never be “perfect”. There will be angry moments and frustrating occasions, and one can do little but give their partner space and unconditional empathy and thoughtful compassion (for lack of a better term).

You need to stimulate each other and keep the relation alive. Difficult, maybe. But nothing that you haven’t done before. Just because you’ve got used to each other does not mean you stop appreciating each other’s personalities and presence in your life. If you really want the partner to be with you forever (and happily together), then it’s worth the effort. Once your mind is made up, it’s not an effort anymore. It just happens naturally. And brings the passion back in both your lives. After all, isn’t it better to enjoy old wine in the comfort of your favourite armchair at home than to run to the supermarket to buy a tiny pint of flat beer?

(Okay, I’m not really talking about alcohol preferences, I’m just trying to make a point here about how the old and permanent is better than the new and transient.)

Give it a shot yaa. There’s nothing worse than seeing a lovely and mature relationship hit the rocks and disintegrate because of lack of understanding, patience and ardour. Call me biased, but I know women will always try their best to make a relation work and continue, if they see it as worthwhile. A man will just hang around and wait, too lazy to take any action to either make it or break it. So, if you see the girl trying, be fair and help her keep the relation alive and ticking.

I’ve been through this. Several times. Losing a friend coz the problems seem unassailable and the partner too adamant to change. I agree it’s not about changing your partner but learning to live with him/her. But it is also a concern when your partner does not find it meaningful to do (or not do) a few things to convenience or please (or not upset) you. Then there’s a need for serious discussion and deliberation…

Enough deliberation there, here’s the next snippet: A true gem from Mr. Gray… Very relevant, and very very essential…

- Men are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners women fantasize about. Sometimes, men attempt to fulfil that fantasy, he may try for years, but eventually, he gives up. A man may suddenly lose interest and not even know why. He finds himself unable to fulfil his partner’s expectations, and both get frustrated and disappointed. The clue is: a woman should have a realistic vision of what is possible rather than the Hollywood fantasy of a man who fulfils her every wish. She should not take for granted the things her partner does for her.

I think our movies are to blame for this delusion among women. We see all the handsome, successful, caring, charming, perfect men on screen and start believing that our “prince” will arrive. Doesn’t happen.

By the time this bubble bursts, a woman completely loses her chirpiness and ability to feel love. Things become transactional, and a woman starts grousing. The more mature and independent she gets, the more expectations she has from her partner. I guess this is why most Indians get their daughters married at young ages. This ensures that they do not have any rigid dreams and desires, and are still open to tackle whatever challenges life throws their way. Sane idea.

As someone told me once, don’t look for things you want in a guy. Instead, look for things you DON’T want. This will give you a better chance at finding a suitable partner for life. Sane advice. (Thanks, Anu!)

And be ready to not be satisfied 100% by your partner. Think of it this way, he or she wasn’t sent on earth to make you happy. He’s got other things to do. That is obviously no excuse for you both to ignore and take each other for granted. But then, don’t cultivate grandiose and false hopes either. Have a mature and understanding relation where expectations and challenges in meeting them are out in the open and you trust your partner and his/her good intentions. Appreciate what is, and hope for what is not, but don’t get depressed envisaging your partner as Mr. Superman or Superwoman who can read your mind and do what your heart wants.

Wow… quite some insights there, huh?

Enough for today. See ya later, alligator!

Cheerio and good luck with the spouse!
Princess

You, Me and Stress (Part 1)

Bon Jour, you gorgeous people!

Howdy?

I would like to eat a hamburger… Ae vood lake to-a itt aeee damburgaaaaaaa!!

LMAO… Been watching this scene from Pink Panther a couple of times over the last few days, just cant get over it… Jean Reno is fabulous!! You gotta watch the first part if you haven’t already. You’ll laugh your guts out… More so if you’re interested in training and communication and the like.

Awrite, getting back to our topic for the day. Remember I told you I’m reading a book by John Gray?

Let me remind you in case you don’t – I’m reading Why Mars and Venus Collide by John Gray, also writer of the bestseller Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. I enjoyed the first book, and this one is fascinating and insightful too. In fact, there is an entire series of Mars-Venus books and websites for those that are heavily into this philosophy and believe in the benefits of self-help.

I don’t. Although, I did find parts of the book extremely interesting and eye-opening. So useful did I find it, that I thought I should preserve some excerpts on my blog for fast access the next time I need them. Besides, you non-book-readers can benefit from my reading as well!

Now, when I say “some” excerpts, you can bet your boots they are way more than “some” in the real sense of the term. After all, the book is 250 pages long, dotted with revelations and anecdotes. Even if I just mention the highlights, this post is going to stretch to multiple articles. And then obviously, I am going to ramble and put in my tuppence and share my experiences, and by the time all that is done…

Well, let’s not think about it. Why don’t I just go ahead and break this post up into shorter articles that don’t look so exhaustive and daunting :-)

Do bear in mind that I’ve made the language easier and briefer in some places and added my own conclusions and suggestions as well. This is John Gray’s version edited and updated by your own Anuja Rathi. So, don’t talk “plagiarism” and “mindless duplication” here.

Happy reading!

The book is basically all about how men and women cope differently with stress and do not understand that their needs and stress-busters are not the same. Some valuable snippets…

- When a woman is unhappy, no one is happy.
So trueeeeeeee!! Especially me partly being a Cancer (I’m a Cusp – Leo and Cancer). When I’m cheerful, the entire world can be made happy and when I’m not, I tend to put a wet cloth over everyone and everything around me. I have certainly tried to bring my moodiness into control, but the statement stays: One woman can make the entire family happy/unhappy depending on how she is feeling!

- Men misjudge women as demanding and needy when they want affection, appreciation, hugs and compliments. Similarly, women think men are lazy when it is actually their biological need to rest.
Needn’t explain this, right? I guess we all know and all agree.

- Couples with good relationships have stopped trying to change each other.
Ahem, I’d hate to admit this, but it’s right. People just get used to each other and accept each other with their strengths, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies. I won’t say they’ve rigidly adjusted with resentment and forcefulness. Rather, they’ve learnt to adapt and co-habit. Can’t stay mad and inflexible all the time with your partner, right?! I’ve tried to not change the other person in my relationships (all of them, not just romantic ones). Sometimes I’ve passed and sometimes I’ve failed. But it’s always best when you can allow the person to be himself/herself. That way neither of you has any illusions and both of you can be direct and real.

- We have the same goals, but what we need to feel a particular way is very different. We give our partner what we want, but that is often the opposite of what will work!
Bingo again! We tend to think that just because we like something, our partner does too. So many times I’ve tried to be there for a person and talk to him and support him when he may actually want to be alone. This is because I like it when someone cares for me this way. It is only now that I have come to understand that sometimes giving a person his own space is the only and the correct way to be caring and considerate… And vice versa! Folks tend to gift me things and behave in ways they find appreciable and desirable, and I want to scream out NO… This is NOT what I want… So, I guess, being thoughtful means NOT treating an individual the way you want to be treated. In fact, you need to find out what he/she wants and then go about achieving it, if you really care.

- A man does not look for someone who will love him. He looks for someone who he will be successful in loving.
Beautiful line… I’d never thought about it this way. It is really valid?

- In daily life, women are more emotional. However, in times of danger, it is a woman who calms down a man willing to fight.
This one I definitely know to be spot on. When men come to blows, it is often a lady that will calm them down. Unless, of course, the guys are fighting FOR the lady, and she is revelling in the attention and aggression :-D

Okie dokie, I’m gona wind up for now. But be back for some more gupshup and stress/relationship tutorials!!

G’day!

Enjoy the DAMBURGER ;-)

Cheerio!
Princess