Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Heart to heart, in the age of social distancing

So, the COVID count in India is now over 1.50 lacs, and with the restrictions eased, it's definitely not coming down anytime soon. I hope all of you and your loved ones are staying safe and sane.

The hospitality and travel industry are ruined indefinitely, and inviestments have dipped, despite the relief package announced by the government. Quite sad to see NaMo not taking more effective measures, and absolutely appalling the way Nirmala Sitharaman is behaving. People dying and losing jobs seems to be nobody's concern, and that in itself is a huge cause for concern for humanity. I've heard people are struggling with mental issues right from isolation to depression and domestic violence. It's indeed a punishment for all our collective sins, and there's no going back to the old ways of living once this ends. We've got to figure out a better way to survive and thrive, as human beings, not just selfish and scheming machines, winning and hoarding at the cost of others' lives and dreams.

I see people seeking help on LinkedIn for jobs, and I myself have tried to support people as much as I possibly can in any way. Be it through charity or job referrals or just a conversation to coach, rejuvenate and motivate - the ways in which we can help each other and numerous. We should consider ourselves blessed to be able to assist somebody else, because this is certainly not the time to engage in anything competitive, destructive or negative.

Don't burn out, whether it is during your house chores, or while working from home for office. Take a break, do something you love and spend time with family. Count your blessings and do your bit towards those that are not as fortunate. As so many people have said, this is not a normal time, and tiny things can become daunting. Accept yourself and others with grace, we're each reacting to the situation differently and we're all justified in our experience and emotions. Life is hard, but we've got to do the best we can, and keep doing better every day. I see posts on Instagram and Facebook where moms are outdoing each other and others are just managing to stay alive and sane. I see some enterprising folks cooking like Michelin chefs and others burning meals. I watch people curse religions and politicians, and I see people engaging in random challenges and tags. Coping techniques vary, but being positive and sensitive should be the watch words.

There are days I feel grateful for all that I have, and I have a lot. But there are also days where I feel miserable like I've achieved nothing. I compare myself to others better or worse than me, and I am left with misery, either for myself or someone else. I know there are many people who feel negatively about me, and I see their response (or the lack of thereof) that reveals their hatred or jealousy or apathy towards me. I know I feel angry about certain things and some folks, but I try to be a better person each day. I fail but I try again. How about you?

Stay safe, all, and stay human!

Cheerio
Anuja

Oh to find the one you love....

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
Come rain or shine, this single soul
Makes all your hopes come true.

He keeps you warm when the nights are cold
And becomes the cool breeze in summers
He knows value lies in depth and feeling
Not in money or numbers.

It's not about those good times
Or the parties you went to,
It's about the times you cried on his shoulder
And he knew what to say or just sob along too.

He supports you when the goin gets tough
And when you're wrong as well
The only thing he doesn't do
Is leave you alone and miserable as hell.

There will be fights and there will be pain,
But what there won't be is insecurity
You will always know he's by your side
No fear of abandonment or infidelity.

You know you mean the most to him
And your word uttered can change his goal
Of all the things he can have or lose
Your forlorn face is his greatest toll.

Vacations and gifts are all appearances
Moments are what matters most
The times he put work and self behind
Are the times you cherish and boast.

He knows how to make you smile
When everything seems desolate,
Sometimes with a book, whisky, movie or chocolate
Sometimes with a sermon on fate.

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
It doesn't meant a lifetime of joy,
But you sure won't be lonely when blue.

... And I hope you find him (or her).

Cheers
Anuja

Ola October!

Hello my beauties.

Dassera is round the corner and Diwali festivities will soon begin; the cleaning and shopping has started awrite!

Top of the list is obviously stuff for the little one, and amidst the regular clothing and toy gifts, what's noteworthy is that the chap wanted Alexa so an Echo dot finds itself on its way to us. Mum wanted a mixer grinder to dish us some amazing chutneys and I placed that order with delight. I did think I deserved a new mobile device since I'd treated my old One Plus 3 very preciously and it had given up on me with a faulty front camera several years ago. So the Amazon sale tempted me with a brand new red One Plus 7. I realised much later it has no headphone jack, which added the cost of a wireless headset to my cart and expense. Oh and some books and garments. All a day's work. Ab Diwali duur kahaan...

With sales and offers running round the year, festivals are not really an occasion to purchase anything. These special days are excuses to cherish moments with your loved ones. Due to a bad marriage, I've missed cherishing the most important times of my life - birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, festivals...

The night of my wedding, I had a fallout with the man, and for many years later, I regretted going ahead with the ritual regardless. I missed the warm welcome and fun that accompanies moving to a new house and family since there was not a single soul to invite me home. I had to share my friends and family, since the man had nobody to call his own and no relation to offer to me as a new bride and partner. Seven years of marriage, and just a few occasions that were celebrated with peace and joy. Half the times he did not even wish me since we were fighting and most of my nights were spent cursing my destiny and crying my guts out.

My pregnancy was a nightmare despite my good health, and my postpartum days were depressed and lonely since the emotional abuse was abundant and endless. Even as I continued to work outside full time, manage the house and raise my son in the best way possible, I was always sad inside and missed a loving companion I could trust and rely on. Someone who was proud of me and valued me. Instead I was tolerated and misunderstood, criticised and ignored. I was lied to, and I was tortured mentally and physically, and each passing day had me convinced that life was worthless and hopeless. That I was not a good person. Any vacation and every family function was reduced to misery because of his whims and fancies. I almost came to a point where I considered I'd never be happy.

Sadly and shockingly, I thought I deserved it and chose to empathize with the villain of my story who treated me like trash. I actually believed that he was suffering and I was wrong. All for love. Stupid, unrequited love. Blind adoration. Mad obsession.

Or so I thought. Now that I think of it, it probably was ignorance and lack of experience on his part. He was just reacting and learning, with no precedent to follow and no experience to rely on. He thought he was wronged and I managed to blame him for most things.

I deserved someone who would stand up for me, not coz I needed to be protected but cos I was worth being respected. Someone who would appreciate me for my strengths and how I added to his life and happiness. But no matter what I did, whether to support him or celebrate him, be it 2 birthdays in a year or being there for him when his family and colleagues exploited him, reminding him of his goals and pushing him to achieve them, nothing was good enough. Misunderstandings were endless, and I doubt he ever realised who really cared for him and wanted the best for him. His blind worship of undeserving folks that he called friends and family made him lose us several times, but somehow destiny always brought us back together. It still hurts that we were so daft and turned our worlds upside down for people and matters that didn't really matter. We hurt each other, burnt our hopes and dreams in the pyre of our marriage to become a campfire for the ones that never cared... But I guess, good things come to those who wait. And we both needed time and a few hard knocks for good sense to prevail.

I'm happy I have such a strong capacity to adore someone so passionately and fully. I did it once, and then I did it again, multiple times with te same man. And eventually like a fairy tale, this has worked out perfectly. Better late than never. This was absolutely worth holding on to, and never letting go.

I suffered. As did he. So did my parents. And most of all, our child, who deserved better.

But enough about that again....

Let me tell you how much I've enjoyed reading The Last Mrs Parrish by Liv Constantine. The sisters that go by the pseudonym have done an amazing job, painting the picture of a love triangle and tracing the depth of different characters. The pages come alive as you read the woes and triumphs of the protagonist, both perspectives delivered with full justice and sincerity. Definitely worth reading, take my word. I'm going to return to my Harappa trilogy - the last one Kashi beckoning from my shelf, as Agatha Christie and Chandragupta await their turn.

I've been catching all the movies too. Latest was War starring Hrithik and Tiger Shroff. Good acting, average story, handsome hunks who dance well and fight better. Full marks for action that seems ridiculously overdone, but then with two Greek gods in the movie, they got to be milked for their worth.

Also watched Criminal Justice on Hotstar, some awesome acting there as well. Pankaj Tripathi and Jackie Shroff have taken the cake even as the main hero - Vikrant Massey hogs your empathy along with his supporting lady roles in the form of lawyer and sister.

So you see, months are flying, and there's not a dull moment. Every day for me is Thanksgiving day for being alive and for having a world of opportunities ahead of me.

The past can only bother you until you find a present with a future. You got to evaluate what you've learnt or lost after every decision and failure in life. If you've done your best, then you got to stop beating yourself over the miserable mistakes. It's only a matter of time before life offers you another chance at happiness.

Keep your eyes, arms and heart wide open, amigos. Adios!

Love
Anuja

2019 - The Last Teen This Century

Hello Folks, Happy New Year!

Santa did not get me any gifts but guess who did... My Little Big Man. He just doesn't stop surprising me. The incredible angel. All of 4 years. Gave away his precious purse of coins to buy me a brand new two wheeler because my current (or last) one was 12 years old and not in the best of looks and performance. "Main aapko new Scooty dilaunga" he says, "and helmet bhi" - and he did not even think twice, bat an eyelid or hesitate as he handed over his complete collection of coins to me, every one of them. My heart went out to him and I marveled at his generosity. I'm blessed, and I often forget it. He is truly an angel sent from up above with a heart of gold.

My Uncle gifted me a black Scooty Pep + under his name on his birthday, December 9, 2016. 
My 4 year old son got me a shiny blue Scooty Pep + on December 31, 2018.   

The adults in my life offered and asked me to change my ancient bike, but words are just words, right? All the while that I spent trying to help others and fix their lives and problems, nobody worried even once about getting me something that was so integral to my own life. I have chosen not to drive, but nothing stopped my spouse and father from buying me a scooter, and yet they did not and my son did. The fact that he did not have enough money does not even count, because his intent and determination were greater than those of the responsible men in my family. I am not disappointed in anyone, but I am certainly hurt - don't people who are grateful and responsible deserve to be cared and gifted? Or does only the crying child get the milk?

Some motivation to grow up and take charge of your life... !

As I get older and wiser, I realize my temper and tongue are still aflame. I see things happening around me, things that are unfair, that are not good, but they happen anyway. Goodness is not always rewarded, and good people suffer at the cost of the bad ones. And yet, you continue to be good, coz that is who you are. I cannot say I am the perfect model for my son, but I do try to teach him well and he is a great kid. So worthy in fact, that I get to learn from him. He wins skating competitions and running races in school, but he wins hearts everywhere with his intelligence and kindness. God bless him, and I hope he doesn't get his heart broken by unworthy uncaring pricks that abound in the universe.  
 
And a thought as I close today:
Happiness is not something someone else can give you or visualize for you, you have to find it yourself, within yourself, create it for yourself.    

All the best in the pursuit of happiness this 2019.  
 
Cheerio!
Anuja

My Big Little Man

Happy Diwali, folks! (belated, sorry)

Exactly a month since I last wrote - caught in a whirlwind of activity, juggling work and home, festivals and routine. Aarush turned 4 last week, and I'm 1.5 months old in terms of NT age. Cheers to us!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - days don't pass, but years fly. I feel it when I see my son every single day. We don't think we're growing old, or our parents are getting older, but changes in kids are just so much more noticeable and adorable. From the gurgles to now complete sentences, superior Hindi and English vocabulary usage, arguments and comebacks - Aarush is a conversationalist's delight. And sometimes a bother, coz he's a chatterbox with no mute/stop button! He even sings to himself during solitary play or does running commentary and if I don't hear anything, I need to pop into his room and check if everything's okay and I generally find him asleep. Ha ha. 

The funniest words he's used recently are "Saba-naba Kich-di" instead of "Sabudana Khichadi" (= a sago delicacy frequently consumed during fasts, but also preferred otherwise). Oh he can very well enunciate "Sabudana Khichadi" but he insists that his teacher calls it "Sabanaba Kichdi" that's what it is, thank you very much. 

His favorite color is orange since birth, he loves shopping, especially for his car collection, and he is very clear about what he wants and doesn't. He does not like being touched, but he is obedient and inquisitive. You may call him shy the first time you see him, oh boy, wait till he is a little comfortable and you'll be enthralled by his energy and wit. "Your kid is not coming" - he said to a neighbor once, and "You don't care for your mother" - he told me when I chose to cross the road with him than his granny. Smart Alec.

Sonny boy made me immensely proud when he scored almost cent per cent marks in his school tests. Honestly, I would not mind much even if he got half as much. After all, I was a 90+%er all through school, and I don't think it matters at all now. Add to that, he joined the new school 3 months late, so my expectations were pretty low. Fortunately or unfortunately, he has set the bar high now, and I'm going to try and not let that color my future expectations from him! But he's a wiz, that chap - Hindi, English, coloring, writing, logic, sports, memory - you name it! Hurray.   

His EQ (emotional intelligence) is staggering, in my opinion. He's wiser beyond his years, more sensible and perceptive than most adults. (Could this be because he has immature, impulsive and aggressive parents, I wonder?)

He mediates fights, asks questions, seeks to understand, puts his point across, all very gently and honestly. He very expressive and sensitive as well, and I both, admire and fear this. Admire because he's such a beautiful human to be around, and fear because emotions bring more pain than joy in the world we live in. He is hurt when some kid refuses to play with him or doesn't do "dosti / batti". He is elated when someone else is happy, and he knows how to share and care. His demeanor with his little cousin and friends is marvelous and it almost nudges me to give him a sibling of his own, but no sirree - too high a price to pay for his companionship! I'm one and done. LOL. Got my own life, sanity and aspirations (and finances!) to consider, so no. At least not until circumstances change.


Circumstances.... all well, but nothing great. BAU (business as usual) but nothing that fires up the soul. Mild depression? Maybe. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and then there are days when I don't want to get up from the bed. I worry about my weight, and binge on junk. Life is on track, no REAL trouble, per se. Got the resources, lack the will. Have responsibilities, but no dreams. I do shopping for others, I pursue others goals and problems as my own. Passions of the past have vanished, I feel more like the side cast of the story supporting the lead characters than actually the hero of mine. I don't know if that is good or bad, but it sure feels like I'm whiling away my time without making my time and abilities count. Matter of time, I hope. Until then, it is Facebook and Instagram checking, Bingo showdown craze, Splitsvilla and Koffee with Karan reruns, and some Netflix now and then. Oh, and when I can summon the perseverance and patience, it is to read Perfect Love by Shubha Vilas and conclude The Curse of Bramha by Jagmohan Bhanver. Writing (book or blog) is (as you can see) right at the bottom of the list. Why repeat and harp on what you've said 100 times before? Right? 

Went to get my eyes checked - and here's the news... I've got glasses again, thanks to my screen obsession - TV, laptop, mobile. 6 years spec-free was thrilling, and I have no regrets about my eye surgery - it was worth every penny and worth all the effort. Back to spectacles for now.

And time for us to say adios...

Have a good one, fellas. 

Cheers!
Anuja

Balance your Accounts

I actually wanted to come here today and talk to you about something educational and developmental - the Leadership Challenge, a book by Kouzes and Posner, and about how it gives you useful practices to become a more effective leader. 

But then, real life crises and harder challenges inundated me - something that I must share now, and something that requires the Leadership Challenge to wait for next time.

I love horror flicks, but what really got me in a frenzy were two movies : Udta Punjab and The Butterfly Effect. The films freaked me out, about how helpless and desperate some lives become, for little or no fault of theirs. Bullies and pricks mess up your sanity and innocent people suffer for the dastardly acts of monsters in human disguise. Have these creatures got no bloody conscience? 

Sorry if you have no context as I rant, and it's okay if you haven't seen these films. If you're as sensitive as me, their effect will stay on with you long after you watch them. Life suddenly becomes too real, and unbearable. Which it actually is. After all, when you read in the news that 8 men raped a pregnant goat, and young girls are paraded naked and abused, then you lose whatever little hope you have in God and humanity. Really, how did we manage to fuck up so bad? Is this where our intelligence has led us? Did God really plan all of this to turn out this way? Is this what was described eons ago as Kal-Yug? 

And apparently, we're not even halfway yet. There's still a lot more decades to go before Kalyug attains its full g(l)ory. I shudder at the thought, and I'm glad I'll be gone long before then. If the final Kalki avatar is going to set things right, then it's no mean task that we're setting out for him. Shiva's Tandav is definitely going to be welcome to end this madness.

We're evolving, they say. Industry 4.0 is here where artificial intelligence and automation will make our lives easier. We're creating robots and machines that can do things for us, giving us more time and luxury. In my opinion, all of us need to get back to constructive work, and stop fooling around. Idle mind is devil's workshop. Which is where people get ideas to loot and cheat others, abuse and wreck those that they think are lesser than us. Lesser in age, or status, or level, or other criteria that doesn't matter one bit in the long run. 

"Dharma Kshetra", one of the shows on Netflix, is a drama on how everyone in Mahabharata was summoned into Chitragupta's court to account for their actions and accusations. Everyone, right from Draupadi (episode 1) to the Pandavas and Kauravas and even Krishna, were asked uncomfortable questions to justify their intent and acts. 

Think of your life, and this trial in your final journey. When you are interrogated about what you are doing and what you've done, to yourself and to others, will you be able to explain? Would it sound acceptable and respectable? Will you be able to earn awe and empathy with your answers or will you be condemned and ridiculed? What you tell others is important, but what is more significant is what you tell yourself. You can't fool your own conscience. And that is why some of us achieve enlightenment and peace while others keep running like headless chickens, suffering and failing in life. 

Know yourself, know your purpose in life, know the means to these ends, and do what you got to do. Not coz someone is watching, but because your final accounts will be scrutinized and your final rating will be a mirror to all that you've been and done in your life, intentionally or involuntarily. Watched mutely as someone was harassed? Participated (through direct action or complete inaction) in embarrassing someone? Hurt someone with your words and deeds? Exploited someone or never acknowledged and valued those that were there for you? Lived and laughed at others' expense? Nothing will be forgotten, nothing will be forgiven. Not unless you acknowledge and repent, change yourself and be a good person, deserving of being called a human. Like the popular joke claims, a priest was sentenced to hell and a driver to heaven, because people remembered the Almighty when the driver drove, but they yawned with boredom when the priest gave sermons. 

Jokes apart, time to get less sombre. 

Something else that has been on my mind like a puzzle I'm unable to decipher, is finalizing a school for my kid. Yes, we're going to be moving (again) which calls for a change in school, daycare, home and neighborhood. My friends and family are trying to wrap their heads around our constant movement, but I take it as a test of adaptability and flexibility - a level of maturity and readiness that God desires us to attain. 

While I am quite excited about the move, the hassle of getting Aarush admitted in a good (CBSE) school with daycare facility is getting to me. I've shortlisted two options - Phoenix and Kothari, both in Kharadi, but their overall resemblance is confusing me. While Kothari has many positive reviews, I found Phoenix more spacious and airy. They're both charging a bomb to raise my child, but that's an obvious consequence of choosing to pursue a full-time career with no help at home. Once this decision is made, it will stay for at least 5-8 years, and that is why it is all the more critical that I make the right call for my bundle of joy, affection, energy, creativity, wisdom, talent and intelligence. I don't believe in burdening the child and making him grow up too soon, but I also want him set on the right track for success and satisfaction, to be a good person with the right skills and emotions enabling him to lead a happy life and be an effective, worthy individual in society. 

... And it's time to wrap up! 

Keep smiling, you.

Love,
Anuja

Paths Well Trod

She grew up - from a quiet child, bullied and bright, to a teenage girl with few friends and many fears but many more dreams.

Told all her life that she was dark and ugly, until she believed she could be smart but little else.

A rebel with conservative parents who had a hard time raising her. They set rules that she broke anyway with a sharp and silver tongue, much to their agony and helplessness.

Alcohol, modeling, boyfriends and late nights - she did it all, no matter who said what.

"It's my life", she mused and declared, throwing caution to the winds.

"I'm careful, and I know what I'm doing. I won't live a life with regrets and I am responsible for all that I do."

She worked and she studied, and she did both well.

She met the boy she knew she'd spend her life with.

And then they broke up.

Actually, she did. He was heartbroken.

She did not like breaking hearts, but she respected candor more than she valued courtesy.

Life went on. People came and went. She had her heart broken, but she made more than a few good friends on the way.

Dating. Chaos.

Marriage. More chaos.

Motherhood. Boom.

It was no fairy tale. Facebook pictures and tags lie. Motherhood drives you insane. It strips you of your personal life, and it takes away all your sleep and peace. There are moments of joy, no doubt, but they are far outweighed by a feeling of overwhelming frustration and responsibility. You never feel good enough. You always think you're doing a shoddy job. You always blame yourself, or your partner, or your family, everyone - all for the tiny tinker who dominates your life and thoughts, every single second. You can't enjoy that drink or that cuppa or a book or a show.

You don't own your life anymore. And that sucks, especially when everyone else is going their way without a hint of concern for your lacklustre, possessed life. 

And then, slowly but steadily, things fall in place. The poop prince(ss) gets toilet-trained and sleeps through the night, allowing you some time for yourself and your partner. Their endless questions throughout the day give way to independent play and school time. Homework and fees are a tiny consequence when you get to work productively in office and focus on your ambitions and bucket list.

The delight mounts when your kid starts expanding his vocabulary - "Mujhe tik ke baithna hai" (=I need some backrest) says my little man this morning as he gingerly settled down in my unwelcoming lap to drink his superhero milk. "Don't use bad words", he mentioned the other day, when I called the Ola guy "ridiculous" for cancelling my trip. He jigs to "Cutie Pie" from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil and my heart dances with him. He proudly tells me the name of all his classmates, and I try to recall if he had ever been small or was it just my imagination. He knows me so well, that I oil his hair on Saturdays and then we put a towel on the bed to prevent the liquid seeping through the covers. He knows he needs to wash up when he gets home, and that he needs to be prompt when he is called. He is confident and he is smart, and he knows it all.

I've done a good job, I think.

Raising a child is hard. Raising one with good manners and values is harder.

I get pitiful looks for keeping my child in the daycare for 6 hours while I am away at work. Ask them if they will come home and be their caretaker, and then people have other priorities.

You got to do it all. And you got to do it all well. Work, home, kids - nothing can be put on the backburner. Time is of the essence. What you avoid now, will avoid you later.

Prioritize, yes. Procrastinate, nope. No sirree. Not at all.

I got 4D's for you - Delegate, Dump, Defer or just DO it.

How high you soar, how fast you rise when you fall - that is what defines you. Not the labels others put on you.

Don't let your achievements go to your head, rein in that arrogance - you will need humility when you are knocked down by sorrow and failure.

Life doesn't have clear wins and losses, there is always a trade-off. We are all winners in different spaces at different times. The bar is different for us all. God's fair, after all. 

What you believe about yourself matters, but what matters more is where that belief takes you in life.

Problems come and crises go. Some folks stay, others walk away. Life always works out in the end.

When you're alone, don't hate your company.

When you look at the mirror - like the person who looks back at you.

I'm here if you need me. 

Stay happy!

Cheerio,
Anuja

Just Settle

Hi Fellas,

So I told you last time about how teens act grown up and say the (over)smartest of things? Well, now I met some 20 year olds that say their hearts are broken and that they feel old. Don't know what that makes me... 

I sure think our parents and their fathers have younger spirits than we do. They were resilient, patient and determined. Now we are all spoilt brats with grandiose ideas about how things should be, a privileged lot that cannot take failure and delay in good spirit. 

God bless us all with wisdom and peace.

I've got my hands full and my head overflowing with certain things on the personal and professional front. What frustrates me on both sides is that people are insecure, selfish and encourage mediocrity. People who work hard and believe in fairness (me!) are living in an Utopian world and just grilling themselves for no reason. The cat that gets the milk is the crying baby who won't do anything apart from complaining and licking a$$ 

So, well, what do we do? We can't do what they do, and we can't give up, so we keep shuffling, hoping our efforts will get recognized and rewarded, that karma will deal out the best consequences for each one of us. You get what you deserve. Always. But each time you expect, you will be disappointed. 99% of the times. 

Sometimes you just got to settle, you know. Sometimes you just got to stop looking. Like marriage. You assign yourself for life to this one person, for better and better-er. Similarly, your situation - whether it rocks or sucks (well, fix it then!) Or a job... Accept or change. But really, don't crib. Won't help. Doesn't resolve anything. Only makes life hard for you and harder for those around you.   

I'm watching a lot of Netflix these days, the hubby got a new subscription obviously. But it's mostly animated and kid movies coz the kid dominates TV time. Unless we're playing Tekken on the PlayStation, which all of us enjoy. Reading has taken a backseat to such a pathetic extent that I can't even recall which novel I last held. Probably the Geeta one, which I'm yet to complete. Nor have I made progress on my book writing dream. Stuck with the challenges of daily life, and too busy to actually make a constructive effort. Pushing my goals ahead, and procrastinating, horribly in pursuit of money like that creature in Ice Age who chases a nut. I'm a nut myself. I'm going nuts. Three cheers.

No seriously, I am going nuts. 

So well, I watched Avengers recently - the Infinity War one, and it was pretty interesting. I found myself actually agreeing with Thanos. Very controversial, I know. So won't talk about it now. Maybe when the sequel comes. 

Deadpool was horrid though. Silly comedy. No more DP for moi. 

Until then...

Cheerio!
Anuja  

Out(r)age

Hola Amigos,

Happy Women's Day to all the ladies and not so gentle-women out there!

How dining and gifting privileged females today contributes to upliftment of women, remains a mystery to me, but it sure is a lot of fun in our corporate and social circles, so YAY and bring it on. But, the women who TRULY need freedom and rights are the ones that have not even heard about riffraff like Women's Day. More power to them, and may they experience life and joys in whatever ways accessible to them. Amen. #PressforProgress

And in the same vein, men, you un-thank-ed, only despised and criticised species, more love to you guys too. You're expected to be strong yet controlled, gentle yet "manly" at the same time. You're supposed to have your act together and have an answer for everything. My heart goes out to you. Keep doing the best you can, just like us women, and children, and open category and reserved tribes and minorities. Godspeed to us all.

Travel and relocation when you're single is an exciting proposition, replete with adventure and learning. Moving houses with a toddler is nothing short of a natural calamity. The entire search begins with criteria that you had no clue about a few years ago. While grocery shops in the vicinity is important, a play area gets precedence. Similarly, your office could be a fair mile away, but the school and daycare need to be clean and convenient. How you balance the trade-offs is harder than deciding the ratings during this appraisal season where layoffs and poor hikes are changing the team and game. Pleased to report, in light of this realisation, that we have finally found a workable solution and space for all our needs. Life 2.0 begins this April 2018. Stay tuned!

But that's not going to be the end of this post. No. There's outrage that must be dispelled. Why, you ask? Or maybe, AGAIN? Ha ha.

As I comb websites and browse info for my son's admission, I come across many parent forums and groups, and all of them have one thing to share this quarter - how schools are harassing us for donations and exorbitant fees. The same curriculum and activities are offered by different schools at entirely different rates. I agree that infrastructure and facilities could vary, but that is not explained by 4 lac building fees and X amount of random, undisclosed charges. How much money can we cough up anyway? And how much extra will our kids learn anyway, given their age and capacity? I really think parents should be cautious and responsible when dealing with such shameless schools, well-established ones at that, and take a call on how much is fair and when they need to voice their concern. As long as parents stay quiet and comply, schools and institutions will continue to exploit. The one who allows and accepts torture is equally to be blamed as the oppressor, after all.

Life's going pretty good, right now, nothing too stressful or difficult. Pissed about the 150 quintals of mango wood being burnt in UP to campaign again pollution (WTF!) and all the news about Nirav Modi and looting and cheating. Ruin us middle class, hardworking, penny crunching and pound saving idiots, milk us for all we're worth and leave us to suffer silently. That's what India is all about, coz we don't respect education and equality and development. Divide us using caste and other bullshit criteria so that we don't realise how you're using us to fulfil your own aspirations. We deserve it, coz we don't get up to fix it. We only post on Facebook and Twitter and blogs and get likes and GIFs, but nothing will really happen or change. After all, how many rapists and scamsters get caught and penalized? Lynching makes total sense to me. Let the masses decide.   

Personally, I've lost a few 3 am friends this year, and while it doesn't bother me, I sure feel bad about it. Yet, times change, people change, priorities change - like I mentioned in my previous posts, you walk together for some time, then part ways, and have no hard feelings, instead cherishing what was, and blessing people along their individual paths and goals. See you soon, again, hopefully, dear friend. There is nothing more I could have done, without pushing myself on you, and that I'd never do, out of respect for me and you. After all, friendships cannot be forced or faked, right? The curse of us millenials, useful at times, depressing on other occasions.

Not really sure about the benefits of dark chocolate, but what I'm chewing now very often, is Amul Dark Chocolate. It's an absolute delight, guys, and much cheaper than overpriced, daft versions of bitter chocolate. I've tried the 55% and delighted. Moving on to 75% before I hit 99% - try it, if you have a taste for it, or develop one!

The last movie I watched was Pari, just like I promised - not horror at all, more like gross and romance. I'm also enjoying Roadies Xtreme and Jeep BFFs on Voot these days. No time for reading, yet tons of time to socialize on Facebook and play Toy Blast - quite addictive, both of them. I'm on level 1135 of Toy Blast. LOL. Yikes. Learning apps and Healthy apps just aren't that tempting enough, akin to healthy food and non-junk. I do try to walk 8k or more, since reducing weight is on my mind. But well, I agonize about that enough, and I don't want to yap about it on the blog.

And just like that, it's time to wind up!

Good talking to you'all, fellas. Be good, be happy.

Cheerio!
Anuja

Pause, Make it Large

I've been ambushed by wisdom in a bid to propel me towards positivity and peace.

Maybe God decided that he had to take things in his own hands, since I was not taking the hint from you'all regarding how dank and low I was sounding.

One lasting truth, that it's all temporary. Friendships, love, sorrow and loss. Come a bright new day, there will be new reasons to live and smile. No matter how much you weep into your pillow at night (or on a companion's shoulder if you're lucky), you will wake up the next morning with a flush of energy and a reason to go on. All you need to do, is remain in the present. Yesterday and tomorrow only bring pain and anxiety.

Isn't that why folks low in IQ tend to be happier? Coz they ruminate less. Enjoy the here and now. Quite a curse for us thinking lot, who attempt to understand the world and it's people, categorise and organise all that comes with it, before and later.

Maybe wisdom implies knowing when to switch off the thought process and just live the moment, without fear of judgement and burden of responsibility. You're doomed if you're conscientious and consider yourself answerable. The blissful lot throw caution to the winds, and give all they got to the people and situation in front of them. Prices could be paid later, but who cares?!

I thought I had my life all chalked out and ready, and I was well on my way to achieving all the milestones that resonate with a life well led and a path well tread. Turns out, everything is China ka maal, nothing comes with a warranty. You may get hitched and pop a kid all under 30, but no saying when your partner will decide he wants to be a bachelor again, leaving you behind to take care of yourself - emotionally, physically, financially - with a toddler in tow! Can't, for the life of me, imagine the trauma of single moms without family and financial support.

A belief that gives me tremendous strength is that everything is destined. Your wins, your losses, your joys and your sorrows. This can also put you down at times, coz it implies you're helpless. Yet, having tried to fight destiny, I can only say it's true and inescapable.

People who came and left, they were supposed to stay only a while, don't expect them to be there for you forever. Strangers become best friends, spouses become strangers. They were here to teach you something, to make you strong, to help you explore how good (or bad) you are capable of being. Allow them to teach you, and go. You move on, as well, to a better life with more calculated actions and consequences. Born alone, die alone, why fret over who did not (or did) stay a while? Paths cross, roads diverge, move on. You need no one to survive. Especially not baggage.

Everyone's journey is different. Some people are meant to be great, others are destined to be alone. Change what you don't like, if you cannot change it then accept it. Don't settle when something is not appropriate, don't compromise when someone is taking you for granted. You were not born to suffer for someone else's jubilation. 

Don't live up to someone else's expectations from you. Nobody will applaud you anyway. Few will stand by you, despite all odds. Don't go looking for the right one. They will come along when the time comes. If they are supposed to. And if they leave, so be it.  

Brands across the world want to sell you happiness. Buy Starbucks and feel like a queen, ride a Harley and feel like god. Buy at the mall and spend at the casino, party at the best clubs and travel to soothe your heart. It's all a ploy. Your happiness is within you. Everything else is temporary. Too often to hurt the people close to you for the sake of those that won't give you a second look once your objective in their life is met. Chill with a cuppa at home alone, or with the dog, or on the treadmill, or the kid, without bothering to look at the clock or WhatsApp.

Amitabh Bacchan often quotes his dad, and I think it is one very useful piece of advice: Life is a struggle every day, and as long as there is life, there will be struggle. Don't fight it, accept it as a challenge and emerge stronger. Also, if things go your way, good. If they don't, it's better, coz then it is going as per the Almighty's desire. 

Keep being, keep doing, keep feeling. You're stronger than you think you are.

You can deal with it all. You got no choice.

You should not cling to expectations, promises, people or situations.

Do not complain, do not demand. Just be. Accept. Not everything will go your way.

Not everything will go against you either.

Life, in the long run, is fair. You get what you deserve.

If you've done something wrong, apologize and set it right.

If something is weighing you down, say it out loud and be done with it.

If there is something that you can do, do it. For your own sake.

Coz you deserve to be happy.

Change is the only constant. And a relief. Move on.

A better life awaits, just stop looking at that darned close door.

Stop feeling like a victim. It's all meant to be. Misery. Ecstasy. Love. Conflict. Peace.

So said the Bhagavad Gita. And so many other philosophers.

Tuch aahes tujhya jivanacha shilpkar - Wamanrao Pai

Make it large!

Love,
Anuja

Power Games

Knowledge is power. 

Not knowing, sometimes, is power. 

(Ignorance is bliss, right?) 

Experience and strong roots are power. 

Being new and past-less is power. 

(Sometimes fresh devils are welcome in place of known ones.)

Having support and strong relationships is power. 

Being detached is power. 

(Nobody to hold you back or push you down.)

Money is power. 

Being penniless is liberating. 

(Nothing to lose, people don't fake liking you.)

Power in numbers. And yet, one ought to be unique. 

Stability is power. Ambition is power. 

Control is power. Freedom, too.

(Which would you choose?)

Being someone's rock is power. 

Needing no one is power.  

Chasing dreams gives strength to some. 

For others, evading fears does the trick.  

So many power games in play around us. 

A man, soft and dependable at work, compels his wife behind closed doors to be submissive and accommodating, no matter what. 

Manipulation by acceding, or crying, coz it proves the other person a jerk. 

Curtains down, justice denied. 

Oh the ironies and vagaries of life!

Caught in the midst of all the hues of universe. 

Running through the fire, come hell or high water. 

In the end, stripped down and naked, you realise all those powers mean nothing.

It's a mirage. A facade. To make some and break some. 

We all suffer anyway. Some early on, some later. 

No matter where you started, no matter what you end with. 

Life's levels us all in the end. 


Who is John Galt?


Peace and power to you.

Cheers!
Princess

Explore and Be YOU!

I turned 32 this July. Makes me closer to 40, than 20. 

(No, there's no shame in asking a woman her age or a woman divulging it herself. Enough with these sweeping generalizations! So passe, and derogatory to women AND men of the new world ...)

While some would consider aging disheartening, I believe it's wonderful to be in your 30s - you're more sure about yourself and life in so many ways. People can only judge you now, they can't change you (for better or worse) and you know yourself and your goals with more clarity and honesty. Your childhood ambitions of being a celebrity have either been realised or not, by this time, and you have a fair idea of whether you will make it at all, thereby leading you to consider options more within your reach. For all you know, the old goal might not resonate with you anymore, and you find peace and passion in something alternative that you never imagined would be your calling.

When I look back now at my life, I see myself as a product of so many institutions and experiences. Unique, yet common. I was born and raised in Pune, like million other kids. Bullied like a few hundred. Teacher's pet, and the only one called Anuja Rathi. I went to Abhinava Vidyalaya and then Fergusson College, like thousand other folks. But I was among the few who scored a rank in merit, something that meant the world to me and my family then, but hardly matters now. Onward to a masters in Psychology and a career in training like hundreds of kin, where I am recognised as a model in my area of profession and social circle.

What's your USP?

What makes you unique? 

I don't obviously mean one in 7.6 billion (check this crazy clock!) or even one in 1.34 billion (that's India's count of today) - but at least one among many. What makes you YOU?

This couldn't possibly come out of your education or career, since there would be innumerable others that join the same institutions. It could not be hobbies either, unless there are some solid level achievements. For instance, Himanshu Agrawal from Mumbai made the largest origami giraffe in 2009, and set a world record. What remains unsaid, is that incidentally there were 9 others who helped him with this triumph, and did not get a mention despite being at it for 12 hours... 

So well, what's your selling proposition? 

If you don't know yet, it's time to find out. Explore yourself, ask what you have done that makes you proud and worthy. What do you carry within you that makes you someone to cherish? Or despise. Your wickedness is a USP, too, if you do it well enough. Depends on you whether you want to make it known and market it. There's always takers. For everyone. And everything. The price needs to be right, and the market needs to be discovered or created. 

Let me help you get some perspective. The typical hiring question posed my interviewers, "Why should we hire you?" What answer can you give that will get you a spot on the payroll or board of whatever?

There's bound to be at least one thing that makes you feel good about yourself. There could be many as well. Find them out, each one of them. That is your key to success.

Don't go by what others say about you, don't even start with "others call me/say I am ...." cos others don't know you really. Your inner voice will give you a true response. Others may know me as strong and certain, but I know how weak and lost I am inside. Who do I resonate with? Who feels more me? I am an ambivert, but a lot of people would tag me otherwise given my expressed personality and choice of profession. 

There's an interesting model called Johari window, where you (and others) learn about yourself and maximise the Open Arena. That could be a starting point. But I'm guessing that by this time, if you're still reading, you have already zeroed down to a few adjectives about yourself that are real, even if not acceptable to society or self. You may not want to reveal it, but by now, you do know it... What is it that sets you apart in your team/org/circle. Not merely describes you, but defines you. Figure out.

Your looks? What you wear? Whether you dance well or not? What are your vital stats? All temporary. Your confidence, now that's what stays. While many believe that women dress ti impress men, it's a long guarded secret that women want to look pretty first for themselves, and then for other WOMEN. Men be darned. 

Compliments and insults only hit, when you are insecure or assured about something, else they miss.

So, what is it that you bring to the table, partner?

Don't be afraid to be yourself. That's the best and only person you can be. There are too many others anyway....

Chin Up!
Anuja    

Burst of Happiness

... and yet again, the voice of the customer (VoC) tells me that my writing has become dark and gloomy, and that does resound with my (more or less consistent) current state. Totally unpleasant, I assure you. Not nice to read, but harder to endure and experience. 

Life's not all that bad though, despite my "why me" rants. I know people going through much more agonising shit and I applaud them for their tenacity and cheerfulness. Thank the Lord for good jobs, generous family and great friends - I'm blessed and often ungrateful. 

My days are made up of traveling to/from office, marveling at the antics of my growing superstar Aarush (he turns 3 soon!), creating content and sending loads of L&D communication at work, checking out videos and acquaintance updates on social networking, an episode or two of Game of Thrones (I'm on season 5 at the moment - loving Aria Stark and Olenna Tyrell and Tyrion Lannister, hating Cersei and Peter Baelish and can't quite make up my mind about Lord Varys and Jamie Lannister) and the weekly dose of Splitsvilla Season 10 (rooting for nobody in particular, but definitely hating Haneet and Alisha). Reading and writing has taken a complete backseat owing to my video obsession, a quick albeit brainless fix for boredom and laziness. 

Diwali was great - here, in Pune as well as in Bombay. We burst crackers (possibly more than we did last year, since Aarush is grown up and excited with fireworks left over from last time) Also had a good time with fam in Mumbai where I and Aaru traveled in Ola cabs and had a safe, economical, repeatable experience.

I watched Secret Superstar last week, a slow and emotional movie that feel short of the Aamir Khan brand but entertaining nevertheless. The song "Nachdi Phira" by Meghana Mishra is an absolute delight and never fails to make me cry. The state of Lavasa city also made me cry, because it is now a dilapidated ruin compared to what it was publicised earlier. How times change! Looking forward to Ittefaq this week and maybe some travel (pleasure/business) in the upcoming months.    

Aarush is a breeze of fresh air : we're reading about dinosaurs and his enunciation is way better than even mine! He makes me so proud, with his (often) well behaved and (over) communicative, handsome personality - nobody can keep their hands and eyes off the cheeky li'l pixie! He's the heart throb at home and outside, and his memory and maturity is second to none. I know a mom can be prejudiced, but you would know this is true if you've met him... He adores anything scary (just like mommy!) and relishes junk (again like mommy!) Be it painting or Tabata with me, or running around at daycare, bossing around with the grandparents or loving outdoor play - this child has a million hobbies and one. Just hoping that I live up to being a good mom to this amazing human. 

I've come across someone called Murali Sundaram - a happiness coach, as he calls himself. Subscribing to his daily digest has made me ponder on some simple aspects of life that we generally do not to introspect or notice. Some of his tips, that might benefit you as well, are shared below: 

* To stop brooding over painful memories, stop replaying the incident in your head, take deep breaths and remind yourself of a happy experience. Control your imagination and choose bliss rather than negativity (which as we know, is more powerful and permanent than the positives, hence needs more and mindful effort)

* Find fault if you wish to increase happiness; not fault in others, but fault in self. Take responsibility of your behavior and thought. 

* Change your attitude from WHY to WHAT. Rather than saying "Why did it happen to me?" (which is my top favorite currently) - ask "What have I learnt from this? What do I need to do now?" - focus on the future, not the past and dwell on action than blame. 

* Planning and preparation coupled with meditation are the most effective tools to make your life productive, successful and happy. It's tougher than it sounds, and you will fail - but don't give up. Just like life does not give up on you.

... and there is lots more, feel free to browse should it interest you. 

See you another day!

Cheers, 
Anuja   

Weird Things

Weird thing that I'm writing in so late... (It's almost 01.30 IST now) 

Weird thing that I've titled this post weird thing, too.

Weird thing that I've (finally) started watching GoT (Game of Thrones) after all these years despite people getting trolled and myself sniggering at it... I'm now at 402. Loving Aria and Tyrion, hating but admiring Cersei, Tywin and the Hound, sorry for the Starks and Jon Snow.

Weird thing that I did not want to write for so long since what came down on paper (web, in this context) was only depressing and negative. Did not want to come across as a crybaby or cribster or pitiable to you folks. Nobody likes a whiner. 

Weird thing that I'm finally writing now. At this time. Dead of night. 

Weird thing that some psychos are trying to hack into my gmail for ages now from West Bengal, Jakarta, Bali and Pune. Like, what in Christ's name are hoping to find in my email? 

Weird thing that I gave up a chance to go to the US. My (benevolent) company offered to send me on a year long (rare) assignment to Amrika and I said nope coz there were other pressing matters at hand. 

Weird thing that fixed deposits in India earn you less than 7% but you pay 10% interest on loans and 18% GST on the food that you eat in hotels. 

Weird thing that I can't seem to make up my mind about certain important decisions in my life that are causing me agony and my family inconvenience. 

Weird thing that people are dying of cancer all the friggin time - they eat healthy and they die of wax on fruit peels, they exercise regularly and they die of some other cancer, they don't have any (regular) fun in life, and they still die of cancer. I've never heard of a smoker or junkie dying of cancer, and that's weird, right? I mean, where's the motivation to act and stay healthy? You die regardless, and of cancer. Where's this coming from? The air that we breathe, the lifestyle we follow, the food that we eat and the genes that we inherit. No saying who will get what. So you know what, do the hell what you please, and live your life to the fullest, coz no one can answer why when you're gone. Might as well make the most of it.

Weird thing that some people are only born to drink while others are only born to serve others. Weird that they don't accept it, or care to do nothing about it. 

Weird that I think I'm a writer, but haven't been able to finish 50k words in my book in the last 2 years. 

Life is weird. People are weirder. 

And that makes life interesting. A straightforward story would be as boring as a math formula. 

(Which I certainly enjoy, appreciate and welcome.)

(No wonder I am weird.)

Cheerio!
Anuja

Why Me?!!

I know this is a ridiculous and foolhardy question, especially when thousands are battling for their health and existence worldwide. But you tend to compare yourself with those up the ladder, and not below. Human nature, what you got is never enough and the grass is always greener on the other side...

The normal reactions of dealing with any change (as I learnt in my own Change Management class) are Shock, Anger, Resistance, Acceptance, Action and Monitor Progress. I seem to have gone through the entire cycle - but the loop keeps bringing me back to Anger after Action.

I was told by my friends and social circle that I'm a model for others, that I seem to have my act together, and I inspire others. Time for me to reveal just how fragile and vulnerable I am. Day after day. Slogging on. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Praying things work out okay and I manage to be happy. At peace. I fail. Every single (or alternate) day.

I wasn't born into an affluent family, though I did not have to make any major sacrifices or strive tremendously hard for anything. Yet, at the back of my mind, I always knew money was scarce, and I had to be careful about my future and expenses. I was bullied at school by my classmates for being dark complexioned and at home by my brother coz I was the ideal kid for my parents. My life was focused around making my family proud of me, and getting off their back as soon as possible to relieve them of duty and stress. Made me an immensely adaptive child in Transactional Analysis terms, even as I maintained my Free Child spirit. I was inwardly introvert and scared, though confident and carefree externally. I hated my childhood and could not wait to grow up.

I started doing odd jobs in college to earn pocket money, this included doing day jobs in marketing promotions and writing the odd article/poem in local newspapers to earn fame and finance support. I was excellent at academics, and ironically everything I worked hard for, I could not achieve - the scholarships in school and college, important job interviews, study abroad opportunities and relationships, whether friendly or romantic. Nothing lasted. I always felt incomplete, unaccomplished. Nothing really mattered. Nothing really gave pleasure. Not those silly parties that others boasted off, endless clubbing that makes teens feel liberated, and I did not possess the selfless streak to engage in social service and stuff.

I got married for love. I was elated that I'd finally nailed it. Made something of my life that would bring me happiness and complete me. Karma wasn't done testing me or maybe my sins were not repaid yet. I fought society and my parents to marry my spouse and his family. My husband abandoned me, sometimes for his colleagues and other times for his family. I couldn't wrap my head around it - how could somebody that was my world, be so uncaring towards me and not be concerned or responsible for how I felt and what I wanted? How could I be ignored and abused all the time? The few moments of joy that I was blessed with, made me feel it was all worth it, that the strife and conflicts were normal and happened in all relationships. That marriages survived, and spouses were meant to be for life.

Unloved. Unwanted. Fighting and demanding things. From my own husband who treated me like I did not matter. That I did not belong. I remained incomplete.

Educated and intelligent - I think I am extremely unworthy of these tags. If I was, I probably would not have to go through all that I have. I thought illiterate, helpless women in slums were abused and exploited, and made stupid decisions. I chose to have a baby when things were already fragile between me and my husband. I should have quit right then, rather than spoiling my life plus one. I knew my in laws were hopeless, manipulative creeps and I chose to bring another being under their sick influence. I got to get an award for being so dumb. I got a son, a beautiful and amazing creature, a gift from the gods to make my life worth living and loving.

I have given up trying to explain myself to anyone, but it hurts you know. It hurts to be so misunderstood and disliked for being genuine. I return kindness a 100 fold and try to be a forgiving, optimistic person. I fail on most days, like today. But I go on, hope creeps in, in one form or the other and gives me strength to survive another day.

I admire people who have been dealt the worst in life, and they still take in their stride and trudge on with a smile on their face.

Thankfully, there are some people who understand and appreciate me for who I am, but the majority cannot deal with it, and it's okay.

What is not okay is that my misery seems endless.

I know joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin, and one follows the other, neither stays forever. I'm praying that happy days arrive soon, and stay awhile, helping me gather strength for any more difficulties that lie ahead.

Coz we're all equal, and have our own troubles, and God stands by our side through thick and thin.

We shall get through this :-)

And I did! The best way to mend your mood is to do something for someone else.

After a long time, I did Tarot reading sessions for some of my acquaintances and helping them instantly raised my spirit. I can't help solve your problems, but I can help you find hope and be prepared for what lies ahead. And sometimes, that's enough.

Stay strong!

Cheers,
Anuja

The Fake Life

I could have written sooner, I wanted to. That my (ex) husband was stalking my blog made me hold back from sharing what I had in my life and heart.

It's been a month, a very engaging one, a very happy one at that. I had a fab birthday, with lots of love and fun pouring in from all quarters. I've watched many movies, some good ones (Lipstick Under my Burkha) and others that missed making a mark (Jab Harry met Sejal, Despicable Me 3). Toilet has mixed reviews, and hence off my watch list for now. I did enjoy my experience at the Mystery Room though - an exciting team building activity with my colleagues. We played Hurt Locker and emerged victorious, gold metal et al. Bounty was a letdown, though, as was Classic Rock Baner. Easy to open a joint, tough to maintain it and provide consistent service and memories, each time. So true for relationships as well. Easy to commence, tough to uphold and deliver, time after time.

What's the brouhaha about Sarahah anyway? All I know is that it is a platform to send and receive anonymous feedback. Duh?!! Since when have we really sought and appreciated genuine feedback? People are scared to say what they've got in their head and hearts, and being fake is the norm whether at home or work. People like me who carry their heart on their sleeve and vent out all that's on their radar get judged and criticised, and then comes this app which allows people to do the same thing behind curtains. How authentic is their reaction? How willingly does one accept it? Everyone I know if posting their Sarahah ID's and sharing their messages on Facebook. Someone I know got a "you need to work on your social skills" that she readily dismissed, whereas someone got "I've had a crush on you forever" that was applauded. 

Millenials, I tell you. A confident, confused lot - the bunch of them. Immensely talented, yet most of them clueless or passionless. Want quick pleasures, yet superficial when it comes to friendships and relationships. No wonder we're got tons of research on them, right from Simon Sinek to random comedians. I've been working with fresh grads for over 2 years now at Hitachi Consulting. I'm a millenial too, BTW, so no offence to anyone in particular. Just that apps like Sarahah are popular despite the negative response on so many levels. 

Work has been hectic and fulfilling, as has my personal life. Friendship Day and Rakhi, Janmashtami and Independence Day - Aarush has brought a lot of homework and variety in my life as well, what with his school and extra curricular activities. I'll be traveling to Hyderabad soon, for work obviously. Until then, its running around the clock, tick tock tick tock.

Hope you're afloat and making merry. Everything is for the best, even though it doesn't seem so right now. Keep the faith. Love yourself. Someone does too, even though your being together is disastrous. And you'll find another, much better one, if you haven't already. 

Cheers!
Anuja