Women and Empowerment

I'm about to put my foot in my mouth, and I don't care. This may not apply to all women but it doesn't have too many exceptions either.

Women need protection and empowerment and support and understanding, yes, for sure.

From who?
Other women.

Women are the biggest enemies of women. Alpha male is not just a syndrome noticed in men, but certainly exists in women as well.


Which is why, rarely do we see women getting along with other women, especially without a clear hierarchy in place. Women are insecure and can't share the limelight with other gifted women unless they all feel comfortable in their skin and position. Be it the typical saas-bahu at home, or two peers at work, or a reporting relationship.

It's sad. Men get along as friends and colleagues, in school and office. Women who are supposed to be nurturing and warm, often end up backbiting and messing up relationships. And then we say women need empowerment in a male dominated world. I'm sure some do, but that applies equally to men who are meeker than many other men AND women alike.

Under the guise of diversity and inclusion, a lot of effort and resources go into actually doing the opposite - creating programs that exclude men from women and create a sense of differentiation. Going back to the concept of co-ed and convent schools, how are we plugging the gap by driving women-only missions?

Women in corporates are the last ones that need empowerment, in my opinion. What we do need is a session on being kind and genuine to each other. Not just on the face, but to have one face in front of everyone. Treat everyone with respect and not discriminate basis friendship and org hierarchy. Whether it is at a lunch table or conference table, don't make anyone feel isolated or humiliated. That's what we all need to reiterate. Men, I think, are far sorted because they don't bother about such petty things. Which is why most men get along with each other without pretending to be best pals, become buddies in a group with few or no expectations and last longer than thick feminine friendships that grow bitter in time. Emotions that are considered a women's forte, are exactly what we forget when we aren't on the receiving end of being mocked, ignored or criticised.

Not true across the board, but I speak from experience. I've been spoken down to by women far more often than men, and these ladies have been senior, junior and on the same level as me at work. Bullied in school and college. In society. Some of them not half as capable as me, but with added courage coz of their pack at their back.

I've never been in a pack, coz I've seen this happen in too many places and I call it out when I see it.

Since I come from a Psychology background, I do think I have a fair understanding of these terms and behaviors I'm describing with conviction, not bias.

One could argue that I could be the cause of the uncouth behavior and not a victim, but women who are leaders or aspiring leaders often talk down to people than motivate or support them. They mistake being obnoxious for assertive and they think being bossy is a leadership trait. This, I've heard across the circles.

Don't try to be a man. Just be a woman. Be a leader. Stop competing, because really, true talent and potential will shine. If you are afraid someone will shine brighter than you, that's fine too. There are enough places for all of us, and just like we tell kids - we don't have to be #1 in everything. Don't pull someone down coz you can't climb up unless you step over that person.

Women empowerment started off as a good initiative. I think we have lost the plot somewhere. Support all genders, not one or some. Keep the ground level and fair. Ask questions, listen to answers, help where you can and ask for help when you need. Be open. There's too much trouble in all our lives without us adding to each other's misery.

Why am I talking about all this today?

Well, I think about it every other day.

Just that I am not hesitating to put this in black and white today for fear of some women hating this post and subsequently me for some perceived story in their head that they don't have the courage to verify directly, but assume I've written about them...

And guess what, maybe I have.

Stay strong, and be real.

Cheers
Anuja

Turn Back Time

There is something extremely desirable about a guy who is possessive about his girl. A little bit of insecurity works wonders when it comes to intimacy in a relationship.

At least Sheena felt that way. 

After all there has to be  some proof that a loves and needs his woman like no one else, she mused. 

Trust is definitely important but sprinkle a little bit of jealousy in a relation and it blooms and blossoms in its excitement quotient...

Now this certainly wasn't a justification for her obsession with him, she was quite proud of the fact that she was crazy about Russell. So crazy that she drove him nuts. So crazy that she sometimes drove him away.

He asked her the other day why she was so upset, so glum and she said she didn't know. After the silence that ensued, he made a very intriguing observation, "I think you are missing a passion in life." 

Her first reaction was annoyance at his arrogant confession but it was soon followed by bewilderment. And then she smiled. Maybe he was right; she was indeed feeling low and demotivated. She thought about it all night and it dawned on her by morn that for the last couple of years all she had been passionate about was him. 

Russell. 

The man of her dreams. The object of her addiction.

Sheena was so mad about him that even someone calling him by his nickname Ross angered her.

The realization that this was a tad extreme was not lost on her. 

Yet, she thought she deserved a special place in his life and nobody could be permitted to trespass.

And that's where the trouble began. Ross, unfortunately, did not think so. 

He was of the opinion that they had their own sweet separate lives and that's how it was meant to be despite the fact that they were engaged to be married.

It pained Sheena, his lack of interest in her life and his stone cold attitude towards her distress. It appeared to her that he cared more for random strangers and colleagues than her. Now which woman would be okay with this? Not too many, she told herself.

All her life, Sheena had wished for great friends and an exciting life. Her few good besties fulfilled this desire amply. But when she met Ross, she felt she had found her soul mate and her contact with them reduced. Big mistake. She devoted all her time and attention to him and he initially reciprocated. As time flew, her life became empty and his got fuller with other people and activities. No surprise then that his priorities and pastimes changed while her need for him only multiplied.

To make matters difficult, Ross was the strong and silent types who did not mind being alone. He enjoyed spending time with people but he did not want anybody to make his life complete. He was calm and content in his solitude and he did not feel the sting of loneliness. He was good to all, and better to strangers and acquaintances than her, or.so.Sheena believed.

It did not bother Ross when Sheena described how someone had asked her out the previous day nor was he worried if she did not call for hours. Maybe he did not need to, as she called him several times a day and often in quick succession while he was busy. He did not always answer her calls and texts, something that she complained about. He believed in freedom and space, like most other men. He had a woman he trusted, unlike most other men.

Sheena had been a lovely lass when he met her but of late she had started to nag. He did not know what he was doing wrong and he had no clue how to fix this cribbing. He liked his work and he got to meet some interesting folks there. Sheena seemed to resent his happiness and bugged him for trivial reasons.

All this while their wedding day was looming near. 

Was it the right decision?

Was it too late to turn back? 

Would it truly be worthwhile to commit his love and life to this person that he adored but occasionally found tough to bear?

And that was the question on his mind as he started his day. 

Time and destiny would show him the right way, he was certain.

He stepped on the sidewalk and checked his pocket to ensure he was carrying his cell phone. Damn, he'd forgotten it again. Sheena's latest gift to him, his favorite mobile handset that had cost her a bomb but she had not said so once. He turned back to the house and picked up his phone.

Ten missed calls. Two texts.

Must be Sheena. How had she stopped at two texts?! She generally sent no less than five.

Text 1: As expected, from Sheena. It read, "Ross, call me now!!!"

Text 2: Again, Sheena. "Jerk!!"

Ross grimaced. Sheena brought too much drama into every mundane thing. Maybe he should call it off with her... 

He dialed her number and waited as the phone rang once, twice, thrice. Why wasn't she answering now?

Click.

Ross: "What the hell...."

An unknown man: "Hi, is this Ross?"

Ross: (a little taken aback) "Yes. Who's this?"

Man: "Your number was the last dialed on this phone. The woman carrying it was hit by a speeding car and she is being rushed to Malcolm hospital in a critical state as we speak...."

Cheerio!
Princess

Women's Day 2014

Yello!

Belated wishes to  all the naari's out there :-)

Feels good to be pampered (obviously), but as I said on FB, I have no special hang-ups with men. In fact, I have had more and better guy friends than girl friends. I think women tend to get insecure about a multitude of issues and that leads to their downfall. But since I have already spoken about a woman’s troubles in my recent post, I shall not dwell on this topic too much. Instead, I am going to tell you about the marvelous day we had at Hitachi Consulting on March 7^th, in preparation for International Women’s Day on March 8 (Saturday). 

That's Nivedita Nair from the facilities team welcoming me to work on Friday with red roses - such a sweet gesture on the occasion of Women's Day!

So, the theme was orange and I walked in to the office to be welcomed with a smile... and a rose! What a beautiful way to start the day! We were photographed and cordially wished by all... This is how lovely mornings are made.

Scarcely had I unpacked my laptop and started work, than it was announced that there were free beauty services available for all the ladies at work. Foot spa, hand spa, face clean up, make up - take your pick and get gorgeous! I opted for the face clean with Jafra products, and while it was not an "Aaha" experience, the thought and experience sure was special. 

A few emails and lunch later, we had a cookery contest - Magic without Fire. There were 5 teams and they had prepared delicacies without using the burner. The best part about these chef competitions is the tasting, and I was right up front along with the other lasses! Veg Mayo Roll with a creamy dip (that won the first place), Date and Coconut Laddoos, Indian Triangles, Fruit Salad with Cream, Pofru (poha and fruit) Payasam, and a variety of Veg Sandwiches - it was a delectable spread! Hats and tastebuds off to you, women!!

Next on the list was a session on "Inspire Others" by Prameela Kalive from Zensar - quite an illustrious woman, I must say. She has worked at DRDO with the likes of Kalam and her experience and profile is highly impressive. She drew upon some observations from Sheryl Sandberg's book "Lean In" and discussed parallels in her life. The bits that most resounded with me were:

1. Put your hand up - Don't expect people to know your talents, interests, strengths and also advocate you for new opportunities. Nominate yourself for things that you wish to do. Even if others resent you for this. And when everything keeps falling on your willing shoulders, speak up and refuse chances as well for things that you do not wish to do. 

2. Make your partner your real partner - Don't get annoyed when your spouse does a lousy job in the kitchen or with the kids. Let him learn, he'll get it right someday. 

3. When you are asked to fly in a rocket, don't ask which seat - (Most) women are not comfortable with ambiguity; we need complete details before we commit to anything. Sometimes, when there is an ambitious plan in the making, participate even if you are not completely informed or aware. You will learn loads and pave the way for success!

4. Don't try to be superwoman - You cannot juggle ten things and all of them brilliantly. Learn to outsource what you find tough, seek help from family and hire a maid! Know what to put on the backburner and what to focus on. If you do multi-tasking, something will be better and something below average - accept it. 

5. Don't forget to pamper the little girl within - This, I never forget to do, and my husband co-operates whole-heartedly. My hero!

... and then it was time for some lip-smacking Pav Bhaji and Rasmalai! Yumm yummm... Boys, I feel so bad for you as I feast on these snacks, but then that feeling slowly fades... Hee hee!! And it is replaced with further excitement and respect for Hitachi when they pull out spa vouchers and gifts for all of us women.  

Marvelous day, indeed! So thankful to Hitachi Consulting for organizing this great day, never before have I been regaled thus in my entire career spanning close to 10 years. 

Hope you had a cool day as well enjoying or serenading the women in your life :-)

P.S - Men's day is there, too... and no, it's not on April 1, it is (supposedly) celebrated worldwide on November 19. There you go! I bet you won't remember... hahaha.

Cheerio!
Princess 

Woman vs Woman

Hello dear readers,

Wish you a delightful new year 2014 !!!

Here are some resolutions worth having....

My first post this year is going to be about women... Glorious unpredictable women!

So much has been said and repeated about women, their eccentricities, their strength, their good and evil ways.

Some of it true, most of it accurate. And yet we won’t accept. Or we just might. Depending on what the context is and how it impacts us. (Hehe!)

Fancy some more quotes on females? Here you go…

A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea - Honore de Balzac

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other – Unknown

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water - Eleanor Roosevelt

Women are certainly strong creatures. Exactly the way Abhishek Bachchan said in Hum Tum – that men could have bigger muscles, but emotionally we are way superior. And that is probably why we have been blessed with the ability to bear children. It’s said that the pain is equivalent to 20 bones breaking at the same time, way more than any normal human’s threshold. Even Amitabh Bachchan applauds us on FB for this mind-boggling effort and capacity! (So what if Russell Peters scoffs on it in his cheap Notorious Tour at Sydney?!)

So, all said and done – woman is a marvelous creation. She may or may not have a pretty face but she deserves to be made to feel that she is beautiful and precious. It’ll make her feel special and once she feels good, she’ll return it a thousand times upon you. If she really loves and cares for you, that is. Else, you are just somebody who pampers the ego and becomes the ‘best friend next door’.

Any guesses on who makes life tough for a woman?

Spot on. Absolutely correct. Another woman. Who else?!!

We love making life difficult for each other. At work and at home. We trouble our menfolk some, but we spare the worst agony for our women colleagues and housemates. A woman not promoting another woman and choosing to hang out with men at work is an example. A saas hating the bahu she herself chose for her son is another instance. Unusual? Barely.

Why, I wonder. Should we not be more empathetic and caring towards each other given that we have experienced the other side of the coin ourselves? Men, I shall admit, are better than us in this matter. They get along with each other, and they stay out of each other’s way if there is a problem. Women will continue their nosy antics even when they dislike another of their own kind and expect the other one to come and patch up... and still act pricey! Damn.

Don’t count me as a women-hater. I am not. In fact, I quite like this quote I read somewhere – “men and women are indeed not equal, thank heavens for that! How can you trust men with so much power?!!”

However, I do see cold wars between women at all times, and it is a sad truth. Can we not just give each other a break and take it easy? What is the point in giving sorrow to someone your own kind? Forgive. Forget. Don’t retaliate or break up at the smallest instances. Make an effort to maintain relations. Give each other a benefit of a doubt. Confront if there is an issue - speak to the person directly, not everyone else. Build, not destroy. Smile, not screech. Hug and make up, don’t bitch.

Simple, right?

Just do it.

A woman has enough troubles anyway. She has to control her temper and ego more than a man. She has to get married and take care of the house no matter how taxing her job is. She has to bow down in front of her husband and his family even if she commands a thousand people otherwise. In so many ways, she has to adjust and accommodate.

Just let her be herself. Let her be a child and a woman as she pleases. Don’t mess with her joys if you cannot delight her yourself.

Really, just let the woman be. Whether you're from Mars or Venus or Hell, man or woman or whatever else. Just give her forgiveness, faith and freedom. And respect. 

Remember, Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned :-)

Peace out!
Princess

Time up - 2013 !!

What’s all this mad banter about Devyani Khobragade?

If we’re only looking for a ‘feel-good’ excuse that protects our belief of self-righteousness and dignity, then we’re sadly mistaken. This issue has been blown up immensely and has zero worth in my eyes.

We’re all worried about how our Indian naari is being treated in the US despite her diplomat status. Headlines are created without using the head. Exactly how stupid is this? And how much do we respect our own countrymen anyway? We hate each other and we discriminate against each other right in our offices and streets. Why then are we so incensed about this incident abroad? Merely to make a political issue out of it?

If we really want to assert our pride and dignity, we should object to China’s repeated invasions. Then we do nothing. Yet a maid in America piques our interest. It’s so depressing. Arvind Kejriwal getting sworn in as the new CM is a news to celebrate, but everything else about India and politics is a sham.

Speaking of naari’s and shams, the 7^th season of Bigg Boss is over – one thing less to talk about at meal times! Gauahar Khan has won it, which does not come as a surprise at all. She was an independent and smart woman throughout the season, and she played it well. Kudos, woman power. A lovely article to underline this victory – Time to rejoice and break all the dhakiyanoosi  bonds of traditionalism and conservatism. Read this - well said, indeed it is a brave new world.  

Today is  the last Monday of the year – how crazy is that. 2013 is almost up, and it’s been a whirlwind of activity from all quarters – professional and personal. Completed a year and half of marriage – loads of bittersweet memories. Purchased our own apartment, holidayed in Kerala, Goa and Matheran. Quit my job at IBM and joined Hitachi Consulting – joys and sorrows galore.

I would like to believe I’ve become a better person than I was, my faith sure has increased manifold in myself as well as my family and God (not in any particular order). Life’s good. I hope 2014 will be better. I really want to get a better grip on my temper. If that works, my entire life is sorted for good…

I watched Dhoom 3 and got disappointed, just like Ram Leela bombed my hopes. Can’t imagine Aamir Khan would take up and execute something so  trashy. Dhoom 1 and 2 were so much more interesting and glam. Even Katrina fades in front of Ash (oops, saasu Jaya does not approve of her bahu Aishwarya being called thus!) All said and done, it’s been a poor year for Bollywood as far as success is determined by an intelligent script and not merely box office collections.

On that note, let’s say goodbye for this year. Have a fab new year eve and be safe! Don’t drink and drive, and aim for the best :-)

Cheerio!
Princess

Experienced Wife Snippets

Here's how you women can make your marital life perfect...

This is that one-off time when I am not going to "lecture" the men but actually address the women... Coz advice given to the males always is forgotten / ignored / misunderstood / criticized...

(All ears now, aren't you, men and boys?)

I am now going to jot this down for the benefit of the females who I expect will be more open and intelligent in putting these lessons into practice. After all, they are the ones that truly need help despite the fact that they are often judged to be at fault when marital bliss is absent between spouses.


Here is my two pence, hope it makes your married life easier...


- Do not expect your man to be the same guy who doted on you and did not let you do a thing, who called or texted you every few minutes / hours, who made you feel like a queen in every way you imagined and dreamed. "Ghar ki murgi daal barabar" is no misconception. The girlfriend who was earlier available only for a few hours a day now becomes visible and approachable 24 hours a day. Obviously there will be repercussions. Be prepared to be involuntarily forgotten or purposefully ignored. TV and gaming will score over you in a list of priorities. There is nothing you can do about it. The first few times if you crib, he will keep it away. Soon, he will stop caring and it will become routine. You have to adjust to and accept your diminished value in his life. You are now expendable since you tied the knot with him. Had he still been pursuing you, you could have wrung him around your little finger. Your loss.


- He married you for convenience first and love later. Maybe you were his best bet or he was just forced into conjugal life. Either way he will still expect you to run the house and do all the chores. If you cannot, hire a maid but do not make his life miserable by requesting help or discipline. No matter if you have a job and earn more, house work will always be the woman's duty and the man will find it beneath him to do these tasks. If he does put the clothes in the washing machine and if he does keep things in their correct places, it is a favour he is doing on you. You might have lived like a princess in your house, but you're married now and that's not his problem. Gear up to hear this each time he folds his quilt - "I do everything I can for you".


- It is okay if he abuses and yells, but you cannot as much as wag a finger at him. Male chauvinists, the bunch of them. They want to threaten you and scare you. They will try to dominate you and show their manhood. If you accept it gracefully, then bless you. If not, the house will echo with screams and choicest words that will resound in your memory until the day you quit (the relation or this life).


- Be thankful for every tiny and every single thing he bestows on you. He wants to feel like a king all the time and be appreciated and respected. So what if he makes you feel like a total mess and a loser? If you are angry, calm down yourself coz no way was he at fault. But if his mood is screwed, you are definitely to blame. Your hurt and disappointment are due to your own expectations. If he actually takes the pains to please you, you ought to feel lucky and grateful. He cannot be held responsible for your needs and peace. All he wants is a happy or silent household. Do not voice your worries or sorrows. Just be quiet and deal with it yourself. Nobody else cares anyway.

- No matter how much you love him and how much he loves you, he needs his space. He cannot deal with being hounded and accompanied all the time. Don't keep waiting for him to text or call or ping you. You do it if you want. Or... The best way to handle this is to identify some time mutually when he can revel with his dumbbells, PSP and cell phone and whatever else. Let him bask in his own space for awhile and do not expect him to even remember you exist. It's not that bad really, you get time out for yourself as well... And as I read by Rori Raye - you could be pushing him away by chasing him... Give him a chance to miss you. Which means leave him alone now and then. Do not take care of everything. Do not plan all the time. Take things as they come. Do not be his mother. Let him be... and he will come looking for you with greater love and affection.

***


Sounds pretty nasty, innit? Cynical, realistic, bitter or pessimistic - whatever you call it. These tips will help you survive if you are like me. If you aren't, well you're more self actualized and I need to learn from you.

As the oft repeated sentence goes, "Shaadi wo laddoo hai, jo khaye pachhtaye, jo na khaye wo pachhtaye."


Ain't bad all the time, of course. But then, who needs advice when the going is good?


Good luck with your spouses.



- (was) Princess

Job Jabbers : Part 4

(This is the fourth part of the series; to read previous just scroll down)


Functions of an employment department

- Analysis of positions and suitable executives (Each executive is interviewed and carefully analyzed for two purposes; first, to find whether he is indeed the right man in the right place; second, to observe his characteristics, his peculiarities, his personality, and to learn from him his preferences. All of these are carefully listed, and, in selecting employees, care is taken to select only those who will work harmoniously and happily with the executives under whom they are placed.)

- Analysis of potential employees and securing them

- Reports and records - monitor employed applicant behavior/performance

- Recommendation for transfer, promotion, discharge and salary hike

- Information to management, aid in discipline, settlement of disputes

- Consultation in pay rates

- Transfer and

- Welfare activity

That’s that about the book… Analyzing Characters. Had to put this (extensive) summary here for my recall as well as the probable advantage to interested readers. You can download the free e-book if you find this piece stimulating. Just the click the title mentioned earlier in this paragraph.


I stumbled upon a post by Penelope Trunk in her popular blog that I sometimes follow: How to talk about your weakness. I thought it relevant to mention it here.


One common question that most assessors ask is tell me about your weakness. Both the interviewer and the interviewee know that this question is bull-s*it. Whoever would honestly confess about being lazy or deceitful?

However, Ms. Trunk advises that we mention something that is not related to your area/focus of work. For instance, If you are hired to think of the big picture, you can state your weakness lies in detail-oriented work. This is both candid, as well as constructive. An artist who is bad with finances is a good hire for a company. The point is you got to be smart, yet careful of what you say. Chances are, if you don’t know your weakness, you don’t know your strengths well either.


Analyzing character: stories of misfits, why people choose/do the wrong job, virtues and recruiting tips… Four parts in this Job Jabbers series.


And that’s all for now!

Have a wonderful one ahead :-)
Day, career, life… everything!! 

Wish you loads of luck and success… and satisfaction, last but not the least.


Cheerio!

Princess

Job Jabbers : Part 3

(This is the third part of the series; to read the first two simply scroll down…)

After talking about misfits at a particular job and their reasons for being so....

Next in the book are various requirements: physical, intellectual, and emotional, required for various careers (for example, aggressive folks cant be expected to do peaceful tasks), and how to recruit the right people.

An excerpt: There are two distinct types of executives. There is the impatient, driving, quick, keen, positive, irritable type. This man can get good results from a certain type of worker, but he only irritates, frightens, and drives to sullen resistance other types. The other is the mild, kindly, persuasive, patient, enduring, persistent, determined type of executive, who wins his success by attracting to himself the intense loyalty and devotion of his men. Both types are successful, but they are successful with different kinds of men. The employer who selects executives, therefore, needs to bear this in mind.


Mention is made of a businessman in trouble and a “Socratic” personality consulted for his expertise. After a detailed tale, here is what Socratic recommends as six old-fashioned virtues that when cultivated will reap positive results.

1. The first virtue is Order. You waste time and energy because you let your

work push you instead of planning your work and then pushing your plan.

2. The second is Punctuality. You lose time, money, friends, temper, and will-power because you are vague and careless about making and keeping appointments.

3. The third is Courtesy. You have to be tactful and considerate towards others. You ask me to come and help you, and then tell me you are busy but sorry - that's patronizing. You ignore a caller and read papers on your desk, that's rude. You can't afford these in business.

4. The fourth is Economy. Your time is worth more to this business than that of all the staff put together. You spend it doing what a ten-dollar-a-week girl could do just as well, it is sinful extravagance. It wastes your time and hers. Worst of all, it undermines your self-respect and her respect for you.

5. The fifth is Honesty. Business must be done at a profit, but not with dishonesty, unfairness and greed. Give everybody a square, equal deal. That will build confidence and increase trade. And then you can leave your salespeople to wait on all customers, giving you more time for real management.

6. The sixth is Courage. It's easy enough to see obstacles, to make excuses, to procrastinate. When a hard task has to be done, fear not, and do it.



A dialogue between an engineer who hates his job and a caring friend:

Friend: "Well, then, why don't you do something else?"

Engineer: "I don't know what to do. I like mechanics, and some job of this kind is the only thing I know how to do or would care to do. Yet, I don't care for this. I must confess that I am puzzled as to what in the world I was made for, anyhow."

Friend: "What you need is to give your time and attention to the intellectual side of engineering rather than the purely mechanical and physical. You are of the intellectual type, find a job like that. Else, it's like you were an eagle trying to cross the country on foot.”


The authors apologetically admit that they offer no golden key to unlock the door to success. There is no magic way in which some wonderful, undiscovered talent can be discovered within a person and made to blossom forth in a night. There is no short cut to wealth / fame, and nobody else can guess your strengths or what you should do.


Two lovely paragraphs to sum it up…

If you are a worker and not a shirker, a lifter and not a leaner; if you have done your best to succeed in your present vocation, and are still dissatisfied, and feel that you could do better in some other line of work, determine your new calling.


If you have never attempted your best, never worked your hardest; if you have grown weary, and laid down your burden in the face of difficulties and obstacles; if you have neglected your education, your training, your preparation for success, then, before you make a change, before you seek vocational counsel, do your best to make good where you are. It may be the one vocation in which you can succeed.


A note is also made of the high cost of hiring and firing in organizations. A powerful thought: There is only one legitimate reason for putting any man or woman on the payroll, namely, that he or she is well fitted to perform the tasks assigned, will perform them contentedly and happily and, therefore, be a valuable asset to the concern. But with foremen, superintendents, and other minor executives selecting employees, for any reason and every reason except the legitimate reason, it is small wonder that employees grow discontented and leave, are demoralized and incompetent so that they are discharged. For these reasons it is an unusual organization which does not turn over its entire working force every year.


Final part coming up next week... Until then, ciao !!

Be well :-)

- Anuja

Job Jabbers : Part 2

(This is a sequel; please scroll down to read part 1…)

How do people choose the wrong career? Having chosen the wrong field, why do people continue to hang on there? There are several reasons…


- Ignorance and lack of definite purpose

- Immaturity of judgment on the part of young people (hobbies and strengths don’t always make great job choices. Talents may be hidden. Young boys long to

be cab drivers and conductors because they consider these professions ideal at a young age. The average young man of twenty is only a little more mature than a boy of ten. He still lacks experience and balance.)

- Influence of association (“My friend wants to become a soldier, so I will join the army as well….”)

- Poor judgment of parents or teachers (Parents over/under-estimate their kids, and don't know the real nature of work/professions. They objectively do not assess either. They also want to live their ambition through their children and so, “I could not become a doctor, but my son shall” happens.)

- Prejudices / Gender bias (Many people have intense prejudices against art and other such professions, especially for their sons. Moreover, they think certain people exhibit certain behaviors because they belong to certain professions. Nursing is considered a “women’s job”.)

- Family traditions (Some parents want to save their kids from the hard work they have done, or believe that just because they did it, their kids also can / should.)

- Economic necessity (Sometimes, teens are called to earn a living and help the family with money. Local conditions, friendship, associations, chance vacancies decide careers.)

- Restlessness (Children cannot wait to begin their careers, and choose whatever comes their way. They do not want to “waste” time developing their real talents or seek opportunities for advancement of which they are capable. Sufficient education and training is crucial to realize aspirations.

- Versatility (He, who can do many things well, seems to have difficulty in finalizing one thing and doing that successfully. He is often a serious problem, even for those who can study his case scientifically. It is tough to guide him and even tougher for him to follow the given counsel. One thing is sure - he should stay away from routine/monotonous work.)

- Mediocrity and hidden talents (Even in the case of those with no particular talent, there is always some combination of aptitudes, characteristics, disposition, and other circumstances which makes a particular vocation far more desirable than any other.)

- Blunders of employers (Recruiters want to fill posts and interviewers do not probe right. This lands a misfit a job, that benefits neither the business nor satisfies the employee.)

- Social ambition / Hunger for fame (Certain vocations entitle one to social recognition / fame. Don't fit yourself to a job, do the reverse. Exactly like they said in 3 Idiots – Don’t run after success; pursue excellence instead and success will follow you. )

- Laziness / Conservatism (Hard mental effort is important to decide upon a new line of work. Analysis of work and self, scrutiny of conditions and environment is necessary to make an intelligent and worthy change. Change in vocation usually involves additional study and training, and hard work in preparation for the new task. A lazy man drifts along with whatever is currently available than to go through the grind of aiming and working for something much better. Change is more hateful to them than unloved work.

- Lack of opportunity (There may be no real chance for misfits in the locality where they live and conditions may make it almost impossible for them to leave)

- Lack of education and training (Family and personal situations, cost / time or other factor

- Deficient Self-confidence (Fear of failure in new vocation)

- Lack of courage / ambition (Many men have self-confidence and yet lack courage to face difficulties, to overcome obstacles, to meet hard conditions, to pass through disagreeable experiences.


The book goes on to describe how even vocational guidance is strewn with complications, namely the need of accurate vocational analysis, wise counsel and training, and correct placement.

Another sequel coming up soon…. Come back later!!



Cheerio!
Anuja

Job Jabbers : Part 1

Hey there!

As fond as I am of reading, the idea of e-books somehow never appealed to me.


Call me orthodox, but I am the sort of reader who believes in holding a good hardcover in hand, bookmark et al. Reading off the computer / laptop screen is not only tiring for the eyes and back, but also does not give the “feel” if you know what I mean…

However, I recently read an e-book titled Analyzing Character. It was in the Psychology section of Free-eBooks.net and I hit download when I saw the summary talking about how to judge people and what to do about misfits at work, home and society.

(Interested? You can read more here)


Quick details: This book from the collections of Harvard University is authored by Katherine Blackford and Arthur Newcomb. While it delves into physical characteristics and gives several illustrations, what really caught my fancy were the causes of people becoming misfits and virtues to cultivate for becoming efficient. Interesting anecdotes, too. Below is some (edited) stuff I liked…


(I am going to split this big blog series into orderly parts for ease of reading)


Story 1: A wealthy father spent thousands of dollars to make his daughter a musician, but she had no aptitude for music. She was unusually talented in mathematics and finance, but her pleas for a commercial career went unheeded. This same father insisted that his son go into business, though he was keen on a musical career. Not surprisingly, he was a complete failure in business and finally embezzled money from his employer and escaped to Europe to study music. Two human lives of marked talent, completely ruined and wasted, because of a well-intentioned but ignorant and obstinate parent



Story 2: A young law graduate inherited a considerable sum of money. Having no taste for the law and office work, he had never even attempted to begin practice. Having nothing to do, he was discouraged with life and had lost confidence in himself. "I am useless in the world, there is nothing I can do" he said. He was finally encouraged to purchase land and begin the scientific study and practice of horticulture. The last time we saw him, he was erect, ruddy, hard-muscled, and capable looking. Best of all, his old, petulant, dissatisfied expression was gone. In its place was the light of worthy achievement, success, and happiness. He told us there were no finer fruit trees anywhere than his.

These are only 2 of a million incidents. Youths enroll in vocational streams on whims, spend time and money preparing themselves for overcrowded professions they have no aptitude for. A prominent physician said that he trusts only 3 of the 50,000-odd students who graduated from medical school with him.

It would be safe to say that 90% people have entered their present employment blindly, irrespective of their fitness or opportunities. No wonder they hate their job, and often are only average or worse at it. Apart from being ineffective, their talents are wasted.


Albert Einstein said - If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

When one is interested in his work, he overcomes difficulties with delight and rarely finds his work tiresome. Biologically too, the body supports the man who enjoys his work, and makes the unhappy misfit more inefficient.


More to come in the sequels…. Keep watching this space!!



Cheerio!

Anuja

Another Day, Another Dawn

He looked up from the newspaper as she coughed. "She's unwell", he mimed to his wife when he caught her eye.

She looked at her. A hint of amazement passed her face. She turned back to him and nodded mutely. Her mind abuzz with activity.


So, he was not as unobservant as he claimed. He very well chose what he wanted to see and overlook what was not convenient to handle.


Such are the ways of men, and such are the fates of the women they marry.


They had wed 3 years ago. It was a love marriage. Marriages, whether love or arranged, reach the same state the moment the knot is tied. It does not matter who asked who out, or who made the first move. It all boils down to what we're taught as we grow up, and what our outlook on life, traditions and relationships is.

The maid had already finished sweeping the floor. Five minutes is more than what she would take to sweep the entire 3 BHK they had recently rented in a posh locality in town.


She sighed. She was in no mood to get into another argument.


She turned to look at her husband. He was but a shadow of that lively young chap who had left his job and flown halfway across the continent to be with her. Then, everything she had said was a wish waiting to be fulfilled by him. Now everything she spoke was another ordeal. They never discussed things, only fought about them. Then they had wanted to be together to make each other happy. Now they were only giving each other grief, frustration and ire.


That they had no children was the reason for their growing distance; she wanted to believe that. But how could she bring into this world another life when she was not sure what she was going to do with hers?


Divorced and separated were not marital statuses acceptable in their part of the world. For the men, it wasnt so difficult. The woman was always blamed for the man's troubles. But to be a woman, and to choose to be away from the husband, now that was worse than plague. And the woman was avoided just like the epidemic.


But was this really better than that? Was this how she wanted to live until she breathed her last?

Difficult questions, she sighed. And questions that she had no answers to, at the moment.


"See you later", she mumbled to her husband and picked up her Gucci handbag. Toying with the car keys, she called for the elevator and took one last look at the door.


She was madly in love with the man inside. And she was mad at him for not respecting and pampering her enough.


The lift had arrived. She chose to take the stairs instead.

She was one confused, absent-minded, lost soul these days. Never could make up her mind about what she wanted and what she liked.


As she climbed down the last flight of stairs, she heard the lift doors open and close. As the lift began its slow descent, she wondered how the maid had washed and cleaned up so quickly. This was a record even by her standard!


By the time the lift reached the ground floor, she had walked out of the lobby. He came running and called out her name. She turned with a questioning glance. Had she forgotten something?

He hugged her.


She frowned. And then smiled.


Sometimes, it wasnt as bad as she made it out to be. And what the hell, he still loved her....


- Princess  

You, Me and Stress (Part 5)

Aloha!

5's my lucky number and so, I'm going to make this post a little more personal and special...

A valuable point I came across in the Mars-Venus book (apart from those that I’ve already shared earlier) is the 90/10 principle. This means that men provide only 10% of the peace and happiness that women desire; the other 90% is what the woman herself is responsible for and it comes from various people in various ways. So, if a woman desires 100% support from her partner at every juncture, she’s setting herself up for disappointment. A woman is wrong in expecting her partner to be her primary source of love, support and understanding.

BOOM! Did I just wreck your world? Mine sure did…

I’ve lived my entire life believing that women rely on men for everything tiny and huge. So what if they can now earn and fend for themselves, a man is still supposed to be chivalrous and give a woman every damn thing be it mental, physical, emotional or material. Apparently not.

As Gray says, “let him top it off”, which basically means you have to be already happy for him to please you, else nothing he does will be satisfactory.

No wonder then that I have often experienced and expressed disapproval when a guy did not live up to my expected action or reaction. I was down in the dumps and waiting for him to lift me and place me on the throne, when in reality I had to be the one hauling myself up and steadying myself so that he could come and seat me down.

Let me be honest – this sounds unfair and absolutely ridiculous to me. I mean if he cannot be there to help in times of need, then why is he there in the first place? If I can’t count on him to make me smile, then why should I stand by him when he’s crying? Just because being kind and caring comes naturally to me and not to him does not mean that he seeks solace from me and I keep getting frustrated and lonely in unpleasant situations...

And let me confess, I’ve often ended friendships due to this reason. If I am there for you, I expect you to be there for me. If you endlessly approach me only in difficulty or boredom, I’m certainly not going to hang around forever as you abandon me when life dishes me out troubles. It’s gotta be just and rational, right? I ain’t a saint!

The author lists out 100 things a woman should do to make herself feel nice. Which isn’t such a bad idea, after all. I’ve ticked out 20-odd activities that I engage in when I want to pamper myself or just take it easy. A few examples? Visit the salon, go shopping, catch up with girlfriends, sing, read and blah.

The gist being, that when a woman is upset, she ought to talk to a friend or a counsellor or herself (in the form of writing a journal or speaking to the mirror), rather than her partner. A man will 98% of the times say something inappropriate and further stress her. So, the woman needs to calm down herself and then when she is relaxed, speak to her partner if she desires. A guy can only solve problems, not discuss them and give emotional bliss.

Sigh.

That’s a very pertinent and profound realization. One that can possibly mend a million relationships around the world. At least for women like me, who harbour absurd beliefs about their partners and relationships…

Here is an attention-grabbing paragraph: When men take time for themselves, women tend to feel rejected and neglected. The opposite is true for men; by taking time out for herself, a woman actually helps a man feel like a success in the relationship. Leaving a man alone and ignoring him is sometimes the best way support him. But women do not grasp this because they feel neglected or last priority when he doesn’t anticipate her needs. The truth is his brain does not work the same way! A man wants a woman to do less for him, and let him do more for her, in order to feel successful. Men need to feel needed and women need to feel they are not alone.

The writer goes on to elaborate about how women keep score in their relationships where points are given and cut for every single thing that both partners do or not do. It does not matter whether the action is big or small. Something that men do not comprehend. They do one big thing and then relax, forgetting that it only means one point. Instead, they can do ten tiny things that are meaningful and would earn them ten brownie points! So, it is not what you do, it is how much you do that counts.

Important: Hugs get men more points than actually providing for the family. Showing interest and concern are also easy ways to win. And voicing a thought before performing the action also doubles the number of points earned. Ka-ching!

There are also a 100 ways enumerated that a man can achieve more points with a woman. Examples are compliment her, love notes, common courtesies, hugs and verbal expressions of love, etc. (These I’ve ticked more than 30 of… not surprising, eh?)

Women, being experts at racking up points, also compute their man to be a zero when she seems to have done a lot more than him. A man is happy when he is winning, but when a woman has more points, she feels like she is losing. She needs their points to be balanced to feel his love and support. Receiving and giving need to be balanced for her to feel secure and happy about their relationship.

When women begin to feel they are not getting enough in return, they tend to give with strings attached. They give with negativity and anger, and count how much they are getting in return. She may still love her partner, but is willing to end the relationship as she feels resentful and dissatisfied. She has nothing left to give.

But let’s not end on a gloomy note. Here’s a juicy titbit… Especially for men and women of the 21^st century :-)

Sex helps men release stress. They easily roll over and sleep. This is because they have a need for distance immediately after sex. On the other hand, women have a greater need to connect at that time.

Both need to understand their different needs, and make some minor changes if they want to be happy together and avoid bad feelings. Coz finally, these get pent up and lead to an explosion in the future that can destroy both their peace and joys.

Hope these pointers are helping you sort out the ruffles in your relationship! I'm planning to take a print out and post them all over my house when I'm married... Never know when one of these wise words will prove advantageous and effective...

So long!

Cheerio!
Princess

You, Me and Stress (Part 4)

Helllooooooo!

Ready for the gyaan session?

Buckle up!!

Let’s start with something extremely important…
- Men and women don’t complain about their partners when they are feeling good. Problems emerge when we are frazzled. Unrealistic expectations (such as that our partners be more like us) emerge when we attempt to get our partner’s help to lower our stress. The problem is never just our partner, it is also our inability to cope with tension and anxiety. It is unreasonable to expect our brains to suddenly adapt and thinking/behaving patterns to change.

In fact, going by experience, people NEVER change. Every transformation that you observe is bound to be artificial and temporary. As is reiterated in the Hollywood flick Ugly Truth, men are incapable of growth, change or progress… (I didn’t say it, don’t pass judgements on my being feministic!)

So, I guess your best bet would be to adjust with your partner the way he/she is, and in case you find that some qualities and aspects are just too annoying or unbearable to live with, then don’t commit. You’ll make life hell for both of you by making that decision, and then expecting him/her to alter habits hardened by time and environment.

- Women find comfort in talking about their problems and men prefer to retreat. This explains why she wants to interact and discuss things, while he withdraws into his cave to forget the problems of the day. Faced with stress, a man will often become quiet. Saying “forget it” is fruitless to hassled women, while a man can simply disconnect if exhausted.

This simple difference can be destructive if not appreciated or respected. When a man needs time alone or doesn’t want to talk, it doesn’t mean he cares less for his partner. Her strong emotional reactions don’t mean she doesn’t appreciate what he does for her.

Brief and direct comments that appear supportive from the Mars perspective can be downright insulting to Venus. She needs to be heard and understood to feel better, and a man usually focuses on solving her problems which leads to arguments and discontent on both sides.

I can cite N number of instances where I’ve taken hard knocks because either I felt rejected when the person expressed a desire (directly or indirectly) to be alone, or a person refused to understand (purposely or involuntarily) that I merely wanted to speak and reduce my frustration.

However, I must also share that there are times when I want to be left alone, and hence, I can empathize when a man expresses the same need. “Express” being the keyword. He has to SAY that he wants to be by himself, as this will assure the woman that it is not she who is annoying him, and he needs to convalesce in solitude. An unsaid assumption also being that he will approach her himself once he feels better...

It would be, thus, fair to say that expectations should be set in taxing situations. So, the woman clearly states, “I need to vent and I would like you to listen” and the man says, “Give me some time alone, and I’ll talk to you when I am back to normal.”

Of course, different people may think differently about this, yet I am going to risk a generalization here. Your comments are welcome!

- A woman has a never-ending to-do list; there is always something that needs to be done. If a man tries to change her perspective about something, she will feel misunderstood and bitter. He will feel defeated and stop trying coz nothing he does is useful. Instead of comparing and prioritizing her actions, men should just listen with interest and empathy and behave thoughtfully.

Things might get a little subjective here. “Behaving thoughtfully” could mean different things to different women. To one, it might mean the guy helping around the house. To another, it might just mean some advice. To a third one, it might mean something else. What remains common to all three, is that the guy should listen CAREFULLY and with INTEREST. On so many occasions, guys only pretend to be paying attention, and it’s a big turn off and irritant. Don’t blame us if that stresses or annoys us women. And once stressed, it’s child’s play for us to stress you out and bash you up. Beware!!

In continuation to the above…
- Men think that relaxing comes before tending to the home. He anyway operates better in emergency situations than mundane tasks, and resting is generally his first priority. What is of the essence, though, is that he has a genuine need to replenish his energy; what a woman considers laziness is actually a real requirement for him on a physical and mental level. Connecting at this time will stress him out further.

On the other hand, a woman can’t rest even if she wants to when there is work to be done. Stress levels increase for women when they return home because there is so much to be accomplished.

She will expect her man to notice, and do things, and he won’t. If she asks him to do it, he thinks she is nagging and do the job so half-heartedly that she would think it was better to do it herself.

The solution is – she needs to ask for his help in specific ways instead of criticising or rejecting him. Give him projects to complete rather than steps to follow. Easy wins motivate a man to do more. Don’t expect him to pitch in, just ASK. And ask directly. If you expect men to notice/conclude for themselves, then you’re mistaken.

Also, unsolicited help from a woman can annoy the man, when he is working on a task. What she sees as loving on her part, and helping him reach his potential, is viewed as interference by him. If you really want to be helpful, appreciate him for what he does.

Now this is interesting…
- It’s natural for men to look at other women. Don’t get offended or doubt him. But he should keep it respectful and brief, and follow it up with more attention and affection to his partner. A woman needs to trust that a man cares for her as much as she cares for him.

I used to feel restless about guys (even friends) ogling at other chics when we were out together. It made me feel less appealing and attractive. However, I learnt soon enough that if I tease the guy and he responds in a casual but genuine way, the situation will pass without any negativity. It actually becomes a joke for life.

How a guy behaves when he watches the girl and how he responds to the girl with him on being questioned is also vital. After all, a girl will not fall for crap and trust you if the evidence points otherwise. As John Gray has written, “look, but don’t drool!” And hey, the same applies to women too, in case they are “bird-watching” the guy should be ok with it! No emotional blackmail and nautanki allowed!!


Gotta wind up… There’s so much to share, I quite lose track of time and space!

G’day bud :-) And give a biiiiiiiiiiig hug to the one you love… The best way to make her and your day…

Cheerio!
Princess