Birthdays don't excite me anymore.
Of course, I'm getting old. Crossed 30 last year.
(Hell, that's still a lot younger than how I feel inside.)
(At least at the moment.)
When one imagines oneself, age ceases to matter and you only look at your past and future without serious consideration regarding the chronological details.
However, my current (longstanding) circumstances and stress make me feel like a crappy, scraggy old hag who feels meh about everything and excited about (almost) nothing.
Like the Annual Award I bagged in office for all my contributions throughout the year. Like my son's second birthday that we plan to celebrate with pomp and ceremony this November. Like watching movies, reading, travelling and book writing which have been my childhood passions and ambitions.
I just don't have the fire.
Amazing how someone or some situation can completely suck the life out of you.
It's not amazing.
When I used to fantasize about my life, it was quite like the things people post on Facebook - all happy, hunky dory stuff which makes others (mostly) envious and (some) joyous. Ironically, my timeline of memories looks more lively than my recent updates.
I know people say that all those FB posts are hogwash and it's just attention seeking behaviour. Well, what can I say. They succeed!
I know folks say you ought to count your blessings. I am a stupid woman who does not understand that maxim.
I know the Gita says you should do your karma without expecting any return. I am not that pious or generous.
I feel out of place and forced to behave normal on days when I am low. Is this what's called depression?
I am doing very well at work, this is probably the best phase of my career, but I just want to take a sabbatical. I don't want to interact with anyone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to think about the next meal or the next salary. I want to do all I can for my family. I want to make them happy. I don't care what anyone says about me. I want to fight for my rights. I want to not bother about anything or anyone.
I used to be full of spunk and energy. I used to always have a plan and a big smile on my face.
I am getting old. It's now a task to gather myself and do some things that excited me before.
Yes, I am reading - finished the 3 trilogy by Shobha Nihalani. Going on to The Girl with All the Gifts. Got a few more tucked into my to-read shelf. Trying to blog when I can. Came to know that Roadies X4 has begun so catching up with that. Been partying with the friends and colleagues at Bar Stock Exchange, Fly High, Cuba Libre. Watched Sultan and found it boring. Hate India and Indians for letting Salman go scott-free....
But end of the day. Duh. Listless. Lonely. Tired of it all.
But my parents... Damn! They're a different, unique breed. So energetic and enthusiastic about life though they are twice(+) my age!
Here's a little something for them. Coz they're awesome!
Dear Mom and Pop, Abba and Ammi,