Heart to heart, in the age of social distancing

So, the COVID count in India is now over 1.50 lacs, and with the restrictions eased, it's definitely not coming down anytime soon. I hope all of you and your loved ones are staying safe and sane.

The hospitality and travel industry are ruined indefinitely, and inviestments have dipped, despite the relief package announced by the government. Quite sad to see NaMo not taking more effective measures, and absolutely appalling the way Nirmala Sitharaman is behaving. People dying and losing jobs seems to be nobody's concern, and that in itself is a huge cause for concern for humanity. I've heard people are struggling with mental issues right from isolation to depression and domestic violence. It's indeed a punishment for all our collective sins, and there's no going back to the old ways of living once this ends. We've got to figure out a better way to survive and thrive, as human beings, not just selfish and scheming machines, winning and hoarding at the cost of others' lives and dreams.

I see people seeking help on LinkedIn for jobs, and I myself have tried to support people as much as I possibly can in any way. Be it through charity or job referrals or just a conversation to coach, rejuvenate and motivate - the ways in which we can help each other and numerous. We should consider ourselves blessed to be able to assist somebody else, because this is certainly not the time to engage in anything competitive, destructive or negative.

Don't burn out, whether it is during your house chores, or while working from home for office. Take a break, do something you love and spend time with family. Count your blessings and do your bit towards those that are not as fortunate. As so many people have said, this is not a normal time, and tiny things can become daunting. Accept yourself and others with grace, we're each reacting to the situation differently and we're all justified in our experience and emotions. Life is hard, but we've got to do the best we can, and keep doing better every day. I see posts on Instagram and Facebook where moms are outdoing each other and others are just managing to stay alive and sane. I see some enterprising folks cooking like Michelin chefs and others burning meals. I watch people curse religions and politicians, and I see people engaging in random challenges and tags. Coping techniques vary, but being positive and sensitive should be the watch words.

There are days I feel grateful for all that I have, and I have a lot. But there are also days where I feel miserable like I've achieved nothing. I compare myself to others better or worse than me, and I am left with misery, either for myself or someone else. I know there are many people who feel negatively about me, and I see their response (or the lack of thereof) that reveals their hatred or jealousy or apathy towards me. I know I feel angry about certain things and some folks, but I try to be a better person each day. I fail but I try again. How about you?

Stay safe, all, and stay human!

Cheerio
Anuja

Oh to find the one you love....

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
Come rain or shine, this single soul
Makes all your hopes come true.

He keeps you warm when the nights are cold
And becomes the cool breeze in summers
He knows value lies in depth and feeling
Not in money or numbers.

It's not about those good times
Or the parties you went to,
It's about the times you cried on his shoulder
And he knew what to say or just sob along too.

He supports you when the goin gets tough
And when you're wrong as well
The only thing he doesn't do
Is leave you alone and miserable as hell.

There will be fights and there will be pain,
But what there won't be is insecurity
You will always know he's by your side
No fear of abandonment or infidelity.

You know you mean the most to him
And your word uttered can change his goal
Of all the things he can have or lose
Your forlorn face is his greatest toll.

Vacations and gifts are all appearances
Moments are what matters most
The times he put work and self behind
Are the times you cherish and boast.

He knows how to make you smile
When everything seems desolate,
Sometimes with a book, whisky, movie or chocolate
Sometimes with a sermon on fate.

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
It doesn't meant a lifetime of joy,
But you sure won't be lonely when blue.

... And I hope you find him (or her).

Cheers
Anuja

September Rain

Hello everyone! 

Morya Morya is in the air - today is Ganesh Visarjan, such a blessed 10 days where Ganpati allowed us to host Him. Aarush is thrilled with the festivities and has learnt all the rituals and fanfare that accompany the Lord's worship. Takes after his granny!

He's blossoming into a fine, young lad, that boy. Feisty and compassionate, wise and smart, just and affectionate, expressive and multitalented - I am proud of him and I am troubled by him, too. He knows how to get his way, and he has a curious mind that doesn't give up. Discipline is the only thing that will decide which way he goes, for better or worse. As he turns 5, I can only hope for the best and do my best in raising him well.

It's been pouring in Pune and Mumbai. Floods and what not. A scary and difficult time. Hope you and everyone you know is safe.

I've had an active month so far. Lots of movies and shows, some reading and socializing, and lots of interesting work. The Prabhas blockbuster Saaho gave me an awful headache, which was healed by some hot toddy at Pune Cocktail Bar (Pavilion on SB road) followed by John Abraham in Batla House. Movie marathon after ages, I felt quite like a teenager in college! Chhichore was very entertaining - a brilliant cast, average and predictable story but executed so well that it makes your money worth it. I loved all the characters in the film, especially Sushant Singh - he's just so handsome and adorable. A man with a heart. Do they make them any more?!!

Men who definitely shouldn't be made - Kabir Singh, a movie remake infamous for its sexism and objectification of women. I felt some turmoil within as I watched. Shahid is great at portraying the character and you can't help liking him, knowing fully well that he abuses women and has no respect for anything or anyone. Women are nothing but a man's property and need to be submissive, that's the message, and the man gets the woman anyway is the takeaway. Despite his misbehavior and disregard, violence and addictions. Arijit's soulful songs make hating the movie harder. But here's my two cents - Kabir Singh is a man who can't communicate effectively and can't control his temper and violence. I've been at the receiving end. It's not pleasant. And there is no loyal friend or lovely song that can help you feel better. While men will idealize the protagonist, it's the women who need to drill down that this crap will not be tolerated or accepted. Obviously the movie missed mentioning that and raked in crores at the box office. India is still a backward country after all who think Arjun Reddy had to be made and then remade.

I watched Game of Thrones S1E1 the other day out of nostalgia, coz WINTER IS COMING... Still feels amazing and fresh!

I finally started Sacred Games S2 after procrastinating over confusion caused by mixed reviews. Seems okay so far (E3), let's see what next. Splitsvilla and Roadies remain my guilty pleasures, partly because there's Rannvijay Singha who I'm crazy about, but also since the participants can be a dumb and interesting lot who make the show amusing.

Baobab, Cult and Le Plaisir remain on my bucket list for when I meet friends and chill out, but I visited Garden of Edesia and Fat Labrador which were quite good. The rest of my time was spent on finishing Pralay from the Harappa series by Vineet Bajpai and I've recently started The Last Mrs Parrish by two sisters who go by the pen name Liv Constantine. 

So you see, it's been a busy and fulfilling time. The only thing that kept me back from calling it perfect was myself. You've heard of the quote - you're as happy as you want to be. In the midst of all that I was doing, I kept obsessing over my past like a child who throws tantrums over their favorite knife being taken away. It was harming me, but it brought some comfort in misery, making me feel like a martyr until I decided that companionship need not always come at a cost. There did not always have to be a compromise and sacrifice for every tiny joy you received as charity. Constantly making excuses for others and justifying their lack of action or interest was not healthy for me. And yet, change is hard, even for a trainer like me who coaches others through the process of Awareness, Desire, Knowledge, Ability and Reinforcement (ADKAR) and how to manage resistance. I keep thinking about what was and what could have been, getting mad over the idiocy of the man who I thought had potential to be so much more than a community helper without goals or a life of his own...

And there I go again... I keep telling myself I need to stop thinking, that is the biggest problem. But the mind has a mind of its own...

Keep trying, that's all we can do. 

Coz you don't go back to what broke you.

And you decide your worth.

What you feel < what you deserve.

Cheers

Princess

Balance your Accounts

I actually wanted to come here today and talk to you about something educational and developmental - the Leadership Challenge, a book by Kouzes and Posner, and about how it gives you useful practices to become a more effective leader. 

But then, real life crises and harder challenges inundated me - something that I must share now, and something that requires the Leadership Challenge to wait for next time.

I love horror flicks, but what really got me in a frenzy were two movies : Udta Punjab and The Butterfly Effect. The films freaked me out, about how helpless and desperate some lives become, for little or no fault of theirs. Bullies and pricks mess up your sanity and innocent people suffer for the dastardly acts of monsters in human disguise. Have these creatures got no bloody conscience? 

Sorry if you have no context as I rant, and it's okay if you haven't seen these films. If you're as sensitive as me, their effect will stay on with you long after you watch them. Life suddenly becomes too real, and unbearable. Which it actually is. After all, when you read in the news that 8 men raped a pregnant goat, and young girls are paraded naked and abused, then you lose whatever little hope you have in God and humanity. Really, how did we manage to fuck up so bad? Is this where our intelligence has led us? Did God really plan all of this to turn out this way? Is this what was described eons ago as Kal-Yug? 

And apparently, we're not even halfway yet. There's still a lot more decades to go before Kalyug attains its full g(l)ory. I shudder at the thought, and I'm glad I'll be gone long before then. If the final Kalki avatar is going to set things right, then it's no mean task that we're setting out for him. Shiva's Tandav is definitely going to be welcome to end this madness.

We're evolving, they say. Industry 4.0 is here where artificial intelligence and automation will make our lives easier. We're creating robots and machines that can do things for us, giving us more time and luxury. In my opinion, all of us need to get back to constructive work, and stop fooling around. Idle mind is devil's workshop. Which is where people get ideas to loot and cheat others, abuse and wreck those that they think are lesser than us. Lesser in age, or status, or level, or other criteria that doesn't matter one bit in the long run. 

"Dharma Kshetra", one of the shows on Netflix, is a drama on how everyone in Mahabharata was summoned into Chitragupta's court to account for their actions and accusations. Everyone, right from Draupadi (episode 1) to the Pandavas and Kauravas and even Krishna, were asked uncomfortable questions to justify their intent and acts. 

Think of your life, and this trial in your final journey. When you are interrogated about what you are doing and what you've done, to yourself and to others, will you be able to explain? Would it sound acceptable and respectable? Will you be able to earn awe and empathy with your answers or will you be condemned and ridiculed? What you tell others is important, but what is more significant is what you tell yourself. You can't fool your own conscience. And that is why some of us achieve enlightenment and peace while others keep running like headless chickens, suffering and failing in life. 

Know yourself, know your purpose in life, know the means to these ends, and do what you got to do. Not coz someone is watching, but because your final accounts will be scrutinized and your final rating will be a mirror to all that you've been and done in your life, intentionally or involuntarily. Watched mutely as someone was harassed? Participated (through direct action or complete inaction) in embarrassing someone? Hurt someone with your words and deeds? Exploited someone or never acknowledged and valued those that were there for you? Lived and laughed at others' expense? Nothing will be forgotten, nothing will be forgiven. Not unless you acknowledge and repent, change yourself and be a good person, deserving of being called a human. Like the popular joke claims, a priest was sentenced to hell and a driver to heaven, because people remembered the Almighty when the driver drove, but they yawned with boredom when the priest gave sermons. 

Jokes apart, time to get less sombre. 

Something else that has been on my mind like a puzzle I'm unable to decipher, is finalizing a school for my kid. Yes, we're going to be moving (again) which calls for a change in school, daycare, home and neighborhood. My friends and family are trying to wrap their heads around our constant movement, but I take it as a test of adaptability and flexibility - a level of maturity and readiness that God desires us to attain. 

While I am quite excited about the move, the hassle of getting Aarush admitted in a good (CBSE) school with daycare facility is getting to me. I've shortlisted two options - Phoenix and Kothari, both in Kharadi, but their overall resemblance is confusing me. While Kothari has many positive reviews, I found Phoenix more spacious and airy. They're both charging a bomb to raise my child, but that's an obvious consequence of choosing to pursue a full-time career with no help at home. Once this decision is made, it will stay for at least 5-8 years, and that is why it is all the more critical that I make the right call for my bundle of joy, affection, energy, creativity, wisdom, talent and intelligence. I don't believe in burdening the child and making him grow up too soon, but I also want him set on the right track for success and satisfaction, to be a good person with the right skills and emotions enabling him to lead a happy life and be an effective, worthy individual in society. 

... And it's time to wrap up! 

Keep smiling, you.

Love,
Anuja

Show me No Shows

I just gave someone my blog details, and then I realised... All I have been going these past few months/years is cribbing outside and flaking within. Gawd, the way my blog has evolved is from fun and happy-go-lucky, creative and lively to cynical and grumpy under the guise of wise and resilient. 

I earlier thought my long writing gaps and absences were my miss, but now they appear a boon; too much crabbiness for you to deal with already!

So, well, let me tell you what I've been doing these last 2 months, and what I plan to do these next few weeks...

Let's get the basics out of the way - I watched Sacred Games, all 8 episodes in Season 1, and I uncovered just how much social pressure shapes our actions. The show was good, though not extraordinary, but what struck me, was how much of a prisoner we have become to technology and entertainment. Earlier we used to wait one full week to watch the next episode of one of the handful shows on TV, but now with Netflix, Amazon Prime, SonyLiv, Voot, Hotstar and what not, we sit down like mindless zombies and keep watching episode after episode on loop, totally out of control of our brains, and utterly manipulated by the entertainment providers. Just how useful are these shows anyway? Do they teach us anything new, anything worth knowing, something to not be missed? 

No. All they do is give us meat to talk about to our peers who are senseless zombies like us, and ways to engage our mind and divert it from other, more ambitious, constructive actions. Real hobbies are dead today, because all we mention in our CVs and online portals under the hobby section is watch TV and listen to music. I used to write poetry and stories on my blog; these last few years - all I have done is write reviews of shows and movies and (very rarely) books. Damn! Just where did I go wrong... I thought I was a sensible lass, what crass!

The person who reminds me I am better off, is my husband, whose aim in life seems to watch all videos under the sun, useful or otherwise. The only person in my life who truly seems to have a balance of live versus unreal is my son - he is the one who enjoys conversations, likes to be outdoors and connect with the real world. He does like an occasional cartoon or two, but he's far superior to us adults when he says, "Enough now, let's play together". Child, indeed, is the father of man. Thank you, little Aaru, for teaching me this crucial lesson. 

We look for validation in all that we do. Am I watching the latest shows? What am I missing out on? What is everyone around me doing? How badly will I suffer if I am left out? 

We have lost our souls and our individualities. Me, no exception. I loved Game of Thrones after initially shunning it, until I could bear it no longer. I am eager to watch the ultimate season next year. I love Roadies that I religiously follow every week on Voot, and Splitsvilla, all thanks to my hero, Rannvijay Singha. I also have an inclination towards horror and comedy on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Koffee with Karan and BFF with Jeep was also interesting. 

I was drawn to this easy channel of entertainment, an obsession that kept me away from intelligent pursuits like reading, writing and doing something more tangible. I said work and the kid exhausted me, so I sunk into the sofa with my mobile phone and spent hours online, disconnected from real life, real people and my real self. I had no time for praying and meditation or exercise. But I was always available online. WhatsApp and Facebook made me more distant from those that sat right next to me. I left WhatsApp groups that were not relevant or useful, which made me watch dumb videos and memes, and shared endless Good Morning and mindless banter. I unfriended/unfollowed folks that I did not resonate with anymore. I make it a point to keep my phone away when I am with people, and I try not to look at it, until absolutely essential. I spend time on LinkedIn and news sites, and I have disabled all notifications from time-wasting apps. 

I am guilty, consider me reformed. 

Drawing a line is critical, to know when to stop and where to focus. It does not mean that you have to completely end something, but you need to know what is urgent and important, if you want to live life the best possible way. You decide your priorities, but your achievements determine your life. Be a fool and a slave to the wrong things, and that's all you'll ever be good for. Crap. A wasted life. Nothing to write home about, and a feeling of worthlessness long after the ship has sailed and others have moved on to greener pastures and better lives.

I hope the right people read this, I hope this post touches at least one, at least some of you. It will be my personal victory if you get on board with me in this struggle that appears flimsy, but will be a turning point in the long run. Evaluate your time, your life, your decisions. Anything that you should not be doing, quit. Something that has been on your bucket list forever, do it now. Clothes that you haven't worn and stuff you haven't used in the last 6 months, throw it - you will never use it again. Trust me. You won't miss it. For all you know, you don't even know when and where you misplaced it. Friends that you haven't met in ages - well, either you are not friends anymore, or you need to take the time to rebuild that relationship which you have taken for granted and cast away to the dogs.

I had only been thinking of blogging for some days. 

I did it today. I'll procrastinate later, I said. 

Get up, get a life. Get your life back. 

Lofty words. I know. But easy to do, no? 

Rephrase: 
Instead of "I don't have time"
Say - "You/This is not a priority"

Instead of "rejected"
Say - "redirected"

Your life will change. Don't mess up the big things for the small stuff. 

No regrets; that's what your epitaph should say.

I'm here if you need me. 

Cheers!
Anuja    

Shame and Scandal

Hi Folks,

For the first time ever, I attended a live comedy show, Pune Comedy Festival 3.0, and it was a memorable experience. 

While Kunal Kamra stole the show with his political witticisms, Biswa Kalyan Rath - hubby's favorite - was pretty amusing, too. His style is crude and therefore funny, and obviously abuses make up the crux of the content for all comedians out there. There were some others like Abish Mathew (more hype than meat) and Jeeveshu Ahluwalia (more childhood stories than gags). Daniel Fernandes and a couple of newbies were part of the performing clan, and it was an evening well spent. 

The venue was huge - Royal Palms on Koregaon Park road, but the washrooms were terrible, and I'm never going back again on that count. You charge a bomb for tickets, you extort more money for food and refreshments, then the least you can do as organising committee and event venue is to have better toilets. Those mobile, plastic closets with no lights inside, placed in dingy corners do NOT qualify as safe or usable. Shame.

( Don't know Game of Thrones? Watch all seasons now before the finale next year! Winter is Coming ... )

There's this park I used to frequent in my previous residential area, and there's this young love that I enjoyed watching bloom. 

Now I understand that what appears a matter of life and death (literally!) at that age, appears so amusing and silly to you when you grow up to middle age.

( Yes, I am middle-aged and I know it. The greys don't excite me, but the thought that I am wiser and non-materialistic has its thrill. )

So, this boy and girl, both in their mid teens, meet up (almost) everyday in the park, and while their friends go doing their games and banter, this pair sits under the tree discussing sombre stuff or announces their romance discreetly in Romeo-Juliet style, balcony et al.    


That the boy is lovestruck is evident in the way he tries to play it cool and suave, macho yet courteous, but his bulk doesn't entirely give him the superhero, world savior look. The girl couldn't care less about that coz she is hopelessly impressed with his style, and her simplicity and spontaneity, accompanied with a little shyness, do little to conceal her emotions. They're a feast to the senses, the way they talk a tad too casually like they don't care, yet switch in a second to become overly concerned, how they flirt without flirting, and care without wanting to show it openly. If you've been in love, you'll know what that means.     
So, while Aarush is frolicking in the sand, I walk away so that I don't lose my calm with all the specks flying around and getting in his hair and clothes, and that is when I overhear these love birds, talking about how seriously one takes life, or how busy one is with studies, and generally, the one is the girl, and the guy dishes out wisdom in truckloads. The girl watches him with stars in her eyes, and he talks like he's Bill Gates reincarnated. 

Now don't go judging me, coz I really do not intend to pry, but the chap does speak too loudly, and the park is only so big that I end up covering the circumference in 5 minutes or less. 

The other day he started off his rant with "Yaar main itna depress ho jata hu, tum log itna jaldi kyu shadi karte ho?"

( = "I'm depressed, why do you guys wed so soon?" )

I was deeply concerned about a couple of things here. 

What do these kids know about depression? Has the word lost importance since I last knew it? Did he not mean "sad" or "upset", instead choosing to substitute it with such a terrifying state of mind and existence?

Why are they talking about marriage now? Is the girl getting married already? Were they talking about someone else? Are they planning something? Will their action retain their safety, physically and emotionally? 
   
Needless to say, my questions remain unanswered, and the duo are on my mind. 

But here's a confession. I was depressed to a fair degree in 2015-2016. Post partum depression could be a possibility, but I realise it only now, and I was a mess back then. I was also going through a personal crisis at that time, and life seemed lost. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't sleepy, or I slept in bursts. I was a wreck, either crying or shouting, losing my cool with everyone and everything. I was a ticking time bomb, and my parents and a few friends were my rock. They took my trash behavior and stood by me. I did not know how it felt to smile, and having a little child dependent on me made my life harder. 

Time doesn't stand still, fortunately, situations changed, and when I look back now, I am just so glad that it's over. It seemed like forever. 

Dealing with depression is hard, dealing with someone who is depressed is harder. You can't do anything right with them, and you don't know what is the right thing to do anyway. You don't know when and if things will change, what will make them change, and they're as predictable as a parrot (meaning not predictable at all).

So thankful that people are now aware that mental illness is just as normal as physical disease, and that there is nothing to be ashamed about. Most of the things that are cited as vices of the current generation actually existed in all societies earlier too, just that people did not seek help nor talk about it. Divorces don't happen more in our time coz we don't know how to maintain relationships, they happen because we don't believe in being sad forever. Abuse isn't a curse of the 21st century. It happened earlier also, but people did not have the guts to take action. Our older generations believe we are doomed, the truth is we are more accountable and strong than they ever were. We speak our mind, and we do what we believe in. If that is called disrespect, so be it. At least we don't repent for someone else's mistake later or stay dependent on someone for life. 

Follow your heart, follow your head. Follow what you believe in, and what you can stand up for. No matter who's on the other side. 

People will come around. Or they won't. 

It doesn't matter. What matters is that at the end, you'll feel like you lived your life your way. Mistakes, achievements, joys and sorrows and everything in between.

But what's absolutely gruesome right now is the rape culture and scandals that have come to the fore. Due to Unnao / Kathua / Asifa, The entire country has finally woken up to the fact that our womenfolk are not safe. Not by religion, not by age, not by clothes, class or behaviors - everyone is at risk for rape by our uncontrolled men and their vile desires. It pains me to see this situation and unfortunately, the most that people can do is voice their opinion on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, talk or blog about it, sign change.org petitions and then go back to their life and routines. Kalyug is going from bad to worse, and I'm worried. 

What am I doing about it? Raising a son with the right values and respect for others, be it young or old, male or female. But I also bear the brunt of statements like "You're still your dad's daughter, not a woman yet" and "you and your feminism" (if I so much as question why rules are different for men and women). Yes sirree, men in our country need a royal washing down, coz no matter how much they pretend to respect women, the reality is 99% of them still don't think us equal, or consider it a favor and applaud their generosity and open-mindedness. 

It's not called open minded when the thought crosses your mind, dickheads. 

Shame. On the men themselves, and the families that raise them. 

And yet we shall survive... and voice our opinion...till we can.

- Princess

Explore and Be YOU!

I turned 32 this July. Makes me closer to 40, than 20. 

(No, there's no shame in asking a woman her age or a woman divulging it herself. Enough with these sweeping generalizations! So passe, and derogatory to women AND men of the new world ...)

While some would consider aging disheartening, I believe it's wonderful to be in your 30s - you're more sure about yourself and life in so many ways. People can only judge you now, they can't change you (for better or worse) and you know yourself and your goals with more clarity and honesty. Your childhood ambitions of being a celebrity have either been realised or not, by this time, and you have a fair idea of whether you will make it at all, thereby leading you to consider options more within your reach. For all you know, the old goal might not resonate with you anymore, and you find peace and passion in something alternative that you never imagined would be your calling.

When I look back now at my life, I see myself as a product of so many institutions and experiences. Unique, yet common. I was born and raised in Pune, like million other kids. Bullied like a few hundred. Teacher's pet, and the only one called Anuja Rathi. I went to Abhinava Vidyalaya and then Fergusson College, like thousand other folks. But I was among the few who scored a rank in merit, something that meant the world to me and my family then, but hardly matters now. Onward to a masters in Psychology and a career in training like hundreds of kin, where I am recognised as a model in my area of profession and social circle.

What's your USP?

What makes you unique? 

I don't obviously mean one in 7.6 billion (check this crazy clock!) or even one in 1.34 billion (that's India's count of today) - but at least one among many. What makes you YOU?

This couldn't possibly come out of your education or career, since there would be innumerable others that join the same institutions. It could not be hobbies either, unless there are some solid level achievements. For instance, Himanshu Agrawal from Mumbai made the largest origami giraffe in 2009, and set a world record. What remains unsaid, is that incidentally there were 9 others who helped him with this triumph, and did not get a mention despite being at it for 12 hours... 

So well, what's your selling proposition? 

If you don't know yet, it's time to find out. Explore yourself, ask what you have done that makes you proud and worthy. What do you carry within you that makes you someone to cherish? Or despise. Your wickedness is a USP, too, if you do it well enough. Depends on you whether you want to make it known and market it. There's always takers. For everyone. And everything. The price needs to be right, and the market needs to be discovered or created. 

Let me help you get some perspective. The typical hiring question posed my interviewers, "Why should we hire you?" What answer can you give that will get you a spot on the payroll or board of whatever?

There's bound to be at least one thing that makes you feel good about yourself. There could be many as well. Find them out, each one of them. That is your key to success.

Don't go by what others say about you, don't even start with "others call me/say I am ...." cos others don't know you really. Your inner voice will give you a true response. Others may know me as strong and certain, but I know how weak and lost I am inside. Who do I resonate with? Who feels more me? I am an ambivert, but a lot of people would tag me otherwise given my expressed personality and choice of profession. 

There's an interesting model called Johari window, where you (and others) learn about yourself and maximise the Open Arena. That could be a starting point. But I'm guessing that by this time, if you're still reading, you have already zeroed down to a few adjectives about yourself that are real, even if not acceptable to society or self. You may not want to reveal it, but by now, you do know it... What is it that sets you apart in your team/org/circle. Not merely describes you, but defines you. Figure out.

Your looks? What you wear? Whether you dance well or not? What are your vital stats? All temporary. Your confidence, now that's what stays. While many believe that women dress ti impress men, it's a long guarded secret that women want to look pretty first for themselves, and then for other WOMEN. Men be darned. 

Compliments and insults only hit, when you are insecure or assured about something, else they miss.

So, what is it that you bring to the table, partner?

Don't be afraid to be yourself. That's the best and only person you can be. There are too many others anyway....

Chin Up!
Anuja    

Aurat ki Taakat... and a Trending Video

So guess who got interviewed and published...

Indeed, your very own ME!! You can read my interview by clicking here. 

As awesome as that feels, I also realised that I've been extremely irregular in connecting with you fellas. This blog has given me some great feedback and some amazing followers, and I am not doing justice to you'all when I write once in a quarter. But you know how it is... New mommyhood is priority and I am already juggling a full-time career with that alongwiwth household responsibilities. So, when the man of the house decides to not chip in for any chore and the little one decides to not take it easy even for a moment, yours truly has to morph into Devi Durga and put all ten hands to task. 

Yeah, hail women power! 

Speaking of which, how many of you watched and appreciated and enthusiastically shared the new Deepika Padukone video titled "My Choice"? Watch it here before you read on and form your own opinion so that you do not get influenced by what I have to say... 

While Facebooking, I came across this Vogue video shared by multiple men and women touting it to be the next BIG thing. Somehow most of us consider it our moral duty to support anything hashtagged women empowerment. We become completely blind to the original message, especially when it is propagated by a glam babe. Within the first few seconds, I felt that the video was hyped and hogwash. If women can do anything under the pretext of feminism and freedom, then we ought not to judge men who live by the same ideology. Coz if a woman is permitted to have an extramarital affair and philander as she pleases, then why do we harass men under the tag of harassment when they behave likewise? The video stank of superficiality, though Deepika Padukone sizzled. Loved her hair in the video. 

Needless to say, it went viral and received a fair share of criticism and slander. Spoofs were made and people lashed out in their own way, a very fitting one by someone called (also) Deepika (full name Deepika Narayan Bharadwaj). Read here what she said to the Logical Indian.

So there, after Aamir Khan and his AIB tirade, you have Deepika joining the bandwagon and falling flat on her face.

Life otherwise has been pretty okay. Watching my bub (now 4.5 months old) is a miracle each day, and his smile sets the awriest of moods and toughest of times right. He's already proving himself a stubborn and smart brat, naughty and cheerful, super active and handsome. Let's see how the coming years groom him.

And I hear him whining in his sleep. Gotta go check.

Be back sooner this time, I promise. 

Until then, take it easy pal!

Cheerio!
Princess
  

Better Left Unsaid

Silence is golden, we’ve heard and read this since times immemorial.

And yet, I realize that not many of us practice this maxim. Not pointing you out alone, even I don’t occasionally. Oh the number of times I could have been a better and stronger individual had I kept my trap shut!

But speech is silver. So that’s good enough… Maybe… At least I am glad I am not as patient, tolerant and generous as my mom and some other folks – people tend to walk over them with total disregard for their sentiments and expectations. I am glad I am able to stuff some sense and teach politeness, humanity and etiquette to deserving (or undeserving) individuals.

The point being, a lot of people only love to yap and never shut up.

Especially when it comes to feedback; people want to give it but few would be willing to receive it in the right spirit. And that’s the most annoying bit.

Not once but twice in the past week, I have been exceptionally surprised and upset when people came to me with gyaan. I took it well externally, but inside, I was furious and hurt. Let me tell you why in detail below…

The first situation happened at work when a colleague wrote me an email stating that something I’d written in my previous mail bothered her. I would probably have not felt offended had she picked up the phone and spoken to me directly rather than typing out emotion-laden words on Outlook. What definitely made it worse was that she marked my supervisor on the mail. Now that’s certainly no way to build bridges and relationships. That too when we’re on the same team!

She quoted me and stated how it was incorrect the way I’d responded to some aspects of the email. While she was in the process of evolving me, she herself did not pay heed to the insensitivity of her own words. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Extremely heartless it appeared to me. And then my sup said she was a very sensitive person and that she had guided her on how to draft this email to me. I mean hello?!! Are we conspiring on something as small as this??

I overlook a lot of things that happen to me at work and outside. I don’t raise a hue and cry about everything that goes against my principles and perspectives. I take interactions with a pinch of salt and I moderate my tone even in the fieriest circumstances. Why then was I being exposed to too much feedback and that too on such trivial issues? It did not strike me as right at all. I did not approve of this method and response. But hey, I know people are different and I know that I cannot control everyone.

So be it. What’s done is done.  I choose which bones to pick and leave unattended and I also know that sometimes you need to lose a battle to win the person. Owing to these values, I often let people think they’re right and not debate over tiny topics. I call it sensibility, but obviously smart asses think they’re the sensible ones and I am otherwise. My behaviour and attitude is targeted while their own is justified and forgiven. Bah!

I responded very positively and humbly, too modestly for my liking, actually. I did not want to prolong the discussion any further or allow it to have any negative consequences on my tenure and relationships at work. I carried the bitter taste in my mouth and kept a sweet face on display for all. I was seething inside, but I knew I would achieve nothing if I reacted any other way. She thankfully had the decency to acknowledge that and that was the end of this story.

The second encounter was at home with my uncle’s friend. Now this man is a big-shot and blah so obviously he enjoys tremendous respect from all quarters and a fair share of flattery and ass licking. While I do nothing beneath my (high) standard, I treat him with dignity as expected for an elder and a family friend.

Imagine my chagrin then, when he called me on his way back home after our chance meet at my uncle's place, complaining that I had been grossly indecent when I said his wife was looking thin!

Huh?!!

Exactly. 

To be told she looks thinner - Isn’t that supposed to be a compliment of the highest order for most women?? And to top that, the manner I had said it in was undoubtedly positive and appreciative... Despite the fact she had not really looked any different (maybe fatter if anything!)

Let’s look at this with a fine tooth comb,shall we, Mr. BigShot?

One, I will not be seeing you in the next 4-5 months just like I hadn’t met you in the previous ones. Sharing feedback with me on anything is an absolute waste coz you have no clue when we will see each other next. Two, if your wife is silly enough to quiz and torture you on such a random comment, then you possibly need to counsel her and not share feedback with me. Three, there is a way in which you describe things. Saying “what if I tell your mom…..” is utterly pathetic and unacceptable. And four, who are you to teach me about women psychology? Are you forgetting that I am a woman first and foremost and a Psych master at that? I have ample education and experience in all possible ways and I do not need advice from a man who when incensed does not have the decency to speak properly to an unfamiliar woman. What if my husband were to call you now and reprimand you for doing what you did? Tit for tat is right, right? But no, we're mature and calm folks, so we shall spare you this encounter. Which you could have, too.

Turns out age does not really guarantee wisdom, nor does success. This was a mighty poor example of the high standards you set for yourself and others. Shameful to say the least.

Again, I thought I’d be the bigger person and I accepted his words and apologized as appropriate. I tried to explain my point of view, but how the hell did it matter? All that he was concerned about was having his say and showing his (absent) wit. 

So you see, two incidents and both where I behaved marvelously well in spite of the other person’s stupidity. I pride myself on my mature responses, but both these people and experiences have left me shaken.

Shall I also start terrorizing others this way for my feelings? Do I thrust the responsibility of maintaining a good relation entirely on others' shoulders no matter their age or designation? I used to think it works both ways, but now I am not so sure. I’m done being nice and understanding. Time other people were a little careful too.

I’ve come to a point where I do not know what to say or write anymore. Anything can be blown out of proportion by any person with any age, education or background. Children these days are more reasonable and sensible than elders.

Can I make an appeal to you? Don’t abuse your power or status. Just because someone respects you and bows, don’t shove your ego down his or her throat. If someone accepts your feedback, thank them (and your stars) for it and ask in turn if there is anything that person would like to share with  you.

Be wise, dudes and dudettes!

P.S – What I’ve written above is by no means fictitious, it bears complete resemblance to people and situations. I don’t know if these folks might comes across this post, but I pray that they do, coz I left a lot of things unsaid. Guess they could have done that too… and not given me this compelling reason to write. 

Cheerio!
Anuja

The Bullies and the Bullied

So you must have heard that the world is made up of two kinds of people - the have's and have-not's.

Well, let me enlighten you on another differentiating factor - These are the bullied and the bullies.

Etymologically,a bully is someone who hurts or frightens someone who is smaller or less powerful than them, often forcing them to do something they do not want to do (Cambridge online dictionary). While this definition seems more relevant to schools, it is not unusual in the corporate or domestic world.

The rule is simple - either bully someone or be bullied. That's how the world operates. There is no room for co-operation and negotiation. Those in power will command (the decent ones might ask 'favours'), and you cannot refuse or argue. You gotta do what you gotta do. Else you must put up with the consequences which could be corporal punishment or worse, mental and emotional torture. Either way you're helpless and most people bow down to the pressure. Get it over with. Make peace with your demons and go with the boss wants.

However, once a bully is not always a bully. He could be bullying Mr. X but then there will be a Mr. Z that bullies him in turn. And he gives in. And probably dishes out even more to Mr. X since he has to vent somewhere and dominate someone. Just to make him feel good about himself in a bid to forget what a loser he actually is.

And then there are those like me, who speak up when they are bullied. I refuse to be pushed over and walked upon. I give it back, and how. Not only when the topic concerns me directly, but also when someone else who isn't brave enough is suffering at someone's hands. This gets me into a lot of bad books, but as I keep telling my mom, you can't be liked by everyone. And that shouldn't be your aim anyway. Show me one person who can please everyone all the time and I will prove you wrong.

Even people who love each other tend to fight and assert their supremacy. It's not unusual. The desire to make someone obey you meekly has crossed many minds and hearts, not necessarily evil or wicked. And as my boss once told me, it's not really that bad to be dominated once in a while. I'm still not done digesting that fact completely. The point I'd like to make is, you got to know when to stop. The perpetrator as well as the victim. If you let the bully walk over you all the time, you indirectly motivate him to do it more and you deserve it. However, if you set expectations about what is right and what is unacceptable, then there is a fair game. As they say in the soft skill world, 'assertiveness' is more effective in the long run than either 'submissiveness' or 'aggressiveness'.

I am a very inquisitive person. I love asking questions and understanding people, motives and needs. Blame the psychology streak that had me fetch my Masters with top honours. Frequently, my curiosity is perceived as resentment, disagreement and denial. I don't know how to fix that, so I tell people I am not against the view but I only seek to grasp it better, in a more holistic way since I am very uncomfortable with ambiguity and need a background and way forward to most things in life.

Anyway, after all that long winded monologue, here's what prompted me to write about bully-ism in the first place. One of my relatives hates being questioned. He takes it as an affront and becomes extremely hostile and rude. And I invariably end up being fierce myself in a bid to kill his arrogance and make him see light. A flaccid conversation ensues and I'm sure both of us end up angry and upset. The solution: control your emotions, don't get personal and over sensitive. I forget this when I am stirred up. Hopefully you can put this advice to some use.

To sum up, don't be a bully, and don't get bullied either. Live and let live. Give respect and get respect. Over and out.

Here are some interesting things I read on the web recently:
The first one is not surprisingly about rape. People generally have a hundred tips handy for the victim, but nothing to say to the criminal. This article talks about what the rapist ought to do when he feels the "need" to molest a woman. Absolutely brilliant - http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

The second one, to make us all feel a little more hopeful in our rape-ridden country, is this proud achievement where Mumbai was named the second most honest city in the world behind Helsinki and ahead of 14 others... Way to go, Mumbaikars! Read here and rejoice - http://www.business-standard.com/article/pti-stories/mumbai-named-world-s-second-most-honest-city-survey-113092600609_1.html

And the third's related to the world of bosses and reportees. Some things that you may sometimes feel but you should never say to your boss - http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130923134035-15077789-17-things-you-should-never-say-to-your-boss?trk=tod-home-art-list-small_1

God bless ya guys. Be good.

Cheerio!
Princess

Beautiful Stranger

What’s it about strangers that is so sinister and yet (or maybe therefore) so appealing?

The way he looks at you, the way she flicks her hair back, the toss of his head, her casual sigh…

There’s a ring to it that is second to none.

You look at so many people for the n’th time, and they never give you a reason to think about them again in the same restless, vibrant way.

So many people that we have met for the first time and wanted to meet again so that we could get to know them better… as friends, acquaintances, lovers, even partners…

The mysterious man or woman comes by in your life, and leaves an impression that you can neither admire nor avoid. All you can do is wonder what would happen next.

Of all the people that you meet and form a judgment about, that you decide you cannot stand even for one more second, or that you know you will be BFF with… but that alluring stranger that you need some more time with, before you can tag them as this or that.

And then, they become your world or a forgettable part of it. But until such time, all you got, is a weird and hopeful feeling that won’t go away. The soft voice in your head that says, “What if…”

Everything that person did or said in that miniscule meeting becomes etched in your mind for life. You relive that memory and modify bits of it, sometimes voluntarily, sometimes subconsciously. You kick yourself for something silly that you said, or chide yourself for not saying something smart. An opportunity missed, a chance ignored.

Everything seems more glamorous in retrospect. The man or woman becomes prince charming or the queen of your dreams. Just one more meeting, you plead…

Pretty butterflies concealed in your stomach suddenly come to life and flutter wildly about, if the heavens up above decide to bless you and you set eyes on that elusive stranger once again.

How do I know?

Coz I feel them every time I look at you…

My then boyfriend and now husband.

Every time is the first time, and each time I see you I fall deeper in love with you…

More than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

And I want it to be that way forever…

My beautiful, adorable stranger.

Akhilesh, I love you.

You have made me the luckiest woman in the world.

Thank you for making me yours.

I feel this today - the 393rd day of our holy matrimony, and every day that I call you mine.

Forever yours and yours alone,
Anuja

Reviews and Gyaan

Hello there!

Watched Go Goa Gone? It's as cool as Delhi Belly, both in terms of language as well as the story. I loved Kunal Khemu's acting though Saif was annoying - to the eyes as well as ears. The movie is funny, and a nice 2 hour pastime. The songs are smartly cut short to suit the fast pace of the plot. Yet I am crazy about Khoon Choos Le and Slowly has nice beats. Go watch GGG if you haven't already. It's an A rated film that I am going to rate 4.5 on 5. Might even watch it again!

I've heard Shootout at Wadala is a fine film as well, but they're all the same to me - Shootout at Lokhandwala, Wadala, Chakala and Khandala... A few item songs with scantily clad girls doing raunchy moves and more than essential violence and dirt. Naah. I'd much rather watch Chhota Bheem and the Throne of Bali or Gippi. Kiddie movies suit me just fine, exactly like my Cotton Candy favorite at Baskin Robbins.

I've turned the last page of Oath of Vayuputras and the book had me bawling towards the end, shan't tell you why if you don't know. Cant give out the spoiler which is the most friggin awesome part of Amish's trilogy. Mannn, what a woman! Sati is incredible. And Shiva is magnificent. Superb writing there, Amish. Well done! I'm hoping the upcoming films on these books live up to the wondrousness as I now embark upon Krishna Key by Ashwin Sanghi. His last book Chanakya Chant seemed quite engaging, but it had me skipping paragraphs and pages midway when it dragged. I'm hoping this one is better, though I have been warned otherwise...

Belated Happy Mother's Day and Akshaya Tritiya by the way! I wish you'all loads of success and happiness in your lives. While my ambition was to lead a happy day this day so that the bliss stayed for eternity, it did not entirely happen that way. My personal motto is "Na kisi ko dukh do, na kisi se dukhi ho" (=Don't let anyone upset you, and don't hurt anyone)... Amen to that!

To take this endeavor ahead, I was just randomly browsing the internet and I came across some videos on YouTube that made a lot of sense to me. Here's what I saw and absorbed from Dan Connor, Susan Fee and others. Hope it helps you and me, too.

When you feel your temper soaring due to something obnoxious that someone has said, here's how you can respond to keep the situation in control:

"That's interesting - Why would you say that? / Why would you do that? / Tell me more / Why would you ask that?"

(While you should make this a part of your verbal repertoire, pls use it judiciously in apt situations. Else the purpose is lost and you just become an arrogant prick.)

Another cute guy on the web said "Focus on Expression, not Impression". Don't bother about making some kind of impact on the audience, instead pay attention to what you are saying. That is often what matters while people are judging you. In any case, you should not bother too much about what people think of you. Coz the more you obsess about it, the more unpleasant and unwelcome you become among them. You cannot please everyone and you should not even aim to! Rather, change your perspective and everything else changes.

The only way to not be criticized is to blend in, to hide. But then, nothing great was achieved this way. Identify what is truly important, and be careful who you seek feedback from else the wrong folks will deflate and de-motivate you. Desensitize yourself and ask the right questions so that you get the suitable answers which help you grow.


Dan Connor from powerdiversity.com yells too much. I know the loud and shocking factor works for some but it appears fake and pushy to me. Susan Fee, on the other hand, comes across as a very pleasant, intelligent and positive individual. However, both of them said stuff that struck a note with me. Like when Dan said, "Be kind, it's okay not to always be right". Your ego tricks you, and you must chuck it rather than making wrong decisions that you might regret later. Wise words that I know a lot of people can benefit from, but I am also doubly sure that they are not going to be reading this....

Susan Fee spoke about when it is okay to speak and when one should stay silent when dealing with a difficult person. Here's her twopence:

Speak up when:
- silence could be damaging to your or someone's reputation or relation
- you have a clear desired outcome in mind, not just vague philosophies

- the comment is behavior based and a specific change is expected

However, you better be silent when:

- you wish to seek revenge/hurt someone through your words - this might offer a temporary release but it is negative and does not solve anything
- the comment is personality based or talks about universal observations
- you are unwilling to accept responsibility and contribute to the solution - if you want the other person to do 100% and more without chipping in

This does not mean that you bottle up your feelings or clam up. This will work in reverse, as you will start venting one day without any constructive result.

Apart from the above, I also looked up power / danger phrases and emotional vampires. But that is something you might wish to explore on your own if interested.

Time for me to implement what I have gleaned! Have a gorgeous week ahead, guys. Monday blues are blowing away!!


Cheerio!

Princess

Trounced in Glory

I wander the world in a bid to escape the mundane,
But I’m always glad to return home and see who missed me,
Who smiles the widest,
And tells me I would never be allowed to take off again.

I tell you I don’t want to see you,
That my life would be much more uncomplicated and agreeable without you,
And all the while my heart is beseeching you to hold me,
And tell me you’ll never leave me.

I show that I don’t care,
I pretend to not mind things and portray myself a cool cat,
And I’m burning inside, wondering why they can’t see through my façade,
Despite knowing me.

I often have the last laugh,
I am a winner, and my perfection is admired and envied by most,
Yet there are occasions when I wish my acumen wasn’t repeatedly proven,
To see your amazed, proud face.

I love and care with all I’ve got,
I can make you feel blessed and lucky,
But I hope you to realize it’s not your prerogative,
It’s something I’m honoring you with, because I love you, deeply.

I shout when I want to cry,
I laugh when I want to scream,
I know when I’m not being treated right,
And if you think I can go on without objecting, aren’t you mistaken…

I’ll lie if it makes you happy,
But they’ll know the truth sooner or later,
Not coz I’m a bad liar,
But coz I’ll ensure my true opinions and feelings are known someday.

I know I behave odd at times,
I know I can be frustrating and crabby,
But tell me if it’s really that bad,
Coz if it is, then maybe my love isn’t good enough either.

You can’t want the convenience,
If my wants are so bothersome,
I’m the best one can ever have,
Too bad if you don’t know that, too bad if you’re waiting and expecting better.

P.S…

I started off writing this as a love note,
To show how confused and duplicitous I can be,
But the moment my vulnerability was expressed, my ego came forth,
To protect my weakness, to stand guard over myself,
To show that no matter who comes forth to **** around, you’ll be vanquished.
No, you can’t win by defeating me, but we can win together.
We WILL win together.
I promise.

Love,
Princess

Thank God for the Twin Sisters

I’ve said this before, and I will say it again. Thank god for memory loss.

Add another point there. Thank god for adaptability.

Any guesses as to what would happen without these two blessings in our lives?

I’ll tell you.

(Obviously. The know-it-all loves the sound of her own voice and nothing turns her on like having her opinion heard and appreciated.)

(He he he.)

(Love pulling my own leg.)

(You better not do it.)

(In case you don’t know that yet.)

(Well… Let’s go back to the topic now, shall we, mixed-up, meandering, chatterbox?)

(That’s me, not you, baba.)

(Gosh, how much I yak.)

(Grrrr…)

Right. So, it’s a wonderful capability that we tend to forget and we get used to people and things being or not being there.

I know it’s not amusing and enviable when we misplace something important, or when we can’t recall the name of someone that we bump into after a long time. It’s certainly not fortunate when companions start taking each other for granted, or when a best friend at work quits and moves to another employer.

But you know what? Both the above statements are true, common for all, and (to an extent) good for us.

Think about this. How would it be if you remembered every single incident that took place in your life? All the good, bad, ugly and routine ones. What use would it be if you recalled every single pimple and mark on the face of every single person you have ever met in your life? Your brain would be a filthy trove of useless data, or simply put, a heap of shit that doesn’t get flushed out.

See?

So, don’t get mad when you can’t remember something. It happens to us all, even with the best of memories. (I used to belong to that category once, but then I started repressing too many memories, and now I’ve ended up like Ghajini Part 2. Not bothered. It’s good for me, and for all of you!)

By the way, just in case you didn’t know, I forgive, but I don’t forget. I’ll remember forever how you cracked a stupid joke at my expense and I didn’t find it one bit hilarious.

About the other good thing – adaptability – isn’t it miraculous that we adjust to new people and new surroundings? You can’t keep yearning till the end of time. People die, you miss them, you think life can’t go on without them. But it does. And thank god for it.

You think you’d never get used to a particular place or thing, and you do. It grows upon you, and you start appreciating it for what it is. It gives you something new to look forward to, and to learn – about yourself and others. However much we hate change, we all know it’s the one constant thing in our lives, and we do adapt when it comes our way. Be it a change in your vital stats that you grimace or blush, or a change in your paycheck that makes you smile or frown. We approve of change, though most of us wouldn’t admit it, either to ourselves or to others.

So what if you’re a bachelor who is afraid that his days of freedom are over once he gets married? True, there might be modifications in your expenditure, lifestyle and house that you may find inconvenient. You may have to change your habits and preferences in order to accommodate another human being in your life. But when you look at the big picture – a canvas where your entire life is being witnessed and supported by that one person you can depend on – it’s not that bad. So what if you’re not allowed to drink as much as you did before you wed her? So what if you have to miss your favorite show coz she wants to watch some melodramatic Bollywood movie? At least you know that she loves you, cares for you, and will never leave you. You may have bitter fights for the silliest of reasons, but you’ll never go to bed hungry and lonely…

So, you see, you adjust.

You forget your old memories, old girlfriends, old anxieties and sorrows.

Without these twin sisters, life would be a disaster.

Right?

And if you think you’re better off not forgetting and not adjusting, how about your wife not forgetting and not adjusting either?

Nope, being a bachelor till the end of time isn’t the solution.
However appealing it might appear for the time being.

Food for thought.

I sincerely remain,

Princess