Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Aloha April

Hiya there!

So I guess, taking off the dream catcher did take away our unpleasant nights. Maybe I'm superstitious, but my baby and hubs seem to be sleeping well, too. To be honest, I'm sleeping like a log these days, such deep and restful sleep, that I ache to go to bed even during the day!

Or maybe it is pure exhaustion. Taking care of the baby, home and work (and the husband, in-laws, maids and others) is tiring work. I've been more or less ill lately: the cough and cold, and dizziness doesn't seem to fade. And to think I used to pride myself over not falling sick too often! The weather is remarkably warm for this time of the year, and I the water crisis is scary, too. God knows what the world is coming to. Or maybe even God doesn't know. After all, we're bringing this upon us, right.

Aarush is growing up by the minute, and I catch myself gawking over how quickly he's growing. It won't be too long before he starts having his own set of friends and ambitions that I'm not at the core of, and his dependence that currently seems a pain will soon become a dream. I'm already preparing myself for the day when he walks up with a girl in tow and tells me she is her girlfriend. My hypothetical answer is, "Great! Take care of each other" but something tells me it will probably change when the actual situation occurs. LOL.

Then again, I ought to give myself a pat on the back for still being a fun girl - or at least that's what my (true) friends and colleagues assure me. Validation came in the form of 2 young men trying to chat me up and ask me out when I was partying with my friend. For someone who considers the word "beautiful" inapplicable to herself under the remotest circumstances, this gave quite a kick. Just like old times. Little did the boys know that they're addressing someone married for almost 4 years and mom of a 1.5 year old son! Should've told them that just to gauge their response... ROFL

Reading has been a possibility this week since the bub was with grandma. Finished DeJa Karma - brilliant story and very well written. Absolutely un-put-down-able, deadly from start to end. Now that's a rarity. A very delightful one. The court case did not hold much weight, but the way the author has traced the life of Jay Singh is amazing. You can actually see the characters come to life and you feel endearment towards the protagonist, his aide Bhima, lover Manavi, friends, mom and shrink. When the writer can provoke emotions within you, that's his true victory. Vish Dhamija has done it, kudos.

I'm now onto Yes My Accent is Real by Kunnal Nayyar, better known as Raj from Big Bang Theory. His compilation of essays and experiences is cute, simple yet adorable. I'm also juggling Shikhandi simultaneously, it's like a dash of sugar and spice, and a very palatable combination. 

Come to think of it, I wasn't someone who was comfortable with reading several books at once. It seemed disloyal to me, like I was cheating on the book in my hand by seeking entertainment in another. However, with the kind of books that I'm reading now, as well as the unpredictable time I have on my hands, this method is working well. I'd need an unlimited amount of free time and a really marvelous book to go back to my former style. 

And who can guarantee either? Well, this week, yes, coz the baby's away again at Naani's. 

(Bless that woman, don't know what I'd do without her.)

Holi was uneventful, except for some polite neighbours who carefully smeared dry, organic colour on my face. But Kapoor and Sons was a plethora of events and reactions. I went assuming a title like this and Alia Bhat's presence could not mean a film with depth, but the story is full of drama and conviction. So much turmoil within relationships, unspoken dreams and confessions, mistakes voluntary and spontaneous. Rishi Kapoor's makeup was stunning and so was his acting. The rest - Ratna Pathak, Sidharth Malhotra, Fawad Khan, Rajat Kapoor were also superb. You actually get involved in their lives and their difficulties, and that was a win for me. Alia, well, she's what she usually is. So, no points there. The songs could have been cut out or cut short, though.  

And there's not much I can say for the Superman and Batman movie that everyone was waiting eagerly for. A complete disaster, apart from the character and acting of Lex Luthor. The Now You See Me star reminded me of Shahrukh Khan throughout the movie, and thee climax was like Karan Arjun too. Seems like the director was mighty impressed with King Khan's movie. 

Now for work, a little cricket, maybe some party/catchup/social time, reading and sleeping that's on the cards over the coming days. 

Hope you doing fine, fellas. As the financial year draws to a close, I wish you luck and success in the new year. May you all get awesome salary hikes and truckloads of bonus. Take care, and don't blow it all up. Don't save it all either. Donate to the needy. And get something for yourself, too :-) 


Cheerio.
Princess   

Delightful Da(y)ze!

Hear baby crying.

Pat him so that he goes back to sleep.

Baby won't sleep.

Check the time. Two hours since his last feed.

Get up groggily. Feed him.

Get him to burp.

Settle him back in his cozy blanket.

Lie down and snooze.

Baby whimpers. Cuddle him.

Check if he's warm enough.

Put another sheet over him.

Baby keeps waving his legs and arms.

Check if he's cold. Remove the sheet. It's quite warm today.

Whisper softly in his ears so that he calms down and sleeps.

Go back to sleep myself.

Hear baby crying. Check the time. Feed him.

Burp him.

Realise it is time to change his diaper.

Scramble to the cupboard. Trip over slipper. Mutter an obscenity. Get a diaper and change him.

Crawl back into the blanket and pray for uninterrupted sleep.

Wide awake now.

Stare at ceiling.

Check cell phone for Whatsapp messages.

No messages.

Check Whatsapp status and profile pictures of contacts.

Wonder if baby needs to feed.

Keep phone away and try to sleep.

Blanket too heavy. Push foot out for some air. Too cold, pull foot back in.

Consider switching on the fan. Decide against it.

Try to sleep.

Pick up cell phone again. Check Facebook. Nothing interesting. Put phone back.

Look at baby sleeping blissfully. Give him a flying kiss.

Shut eyes.

Lapse into a dream.

Baby bawls.

Spring up and gather him in the arms. Rock him till he sleeps. Faint next to him.

Wake up. Baby has to nurse.

Say good morning and watch his adorable smile.

Thank God for the little bundle of joy. Feed him.

Burp him.

Baby won't burp.

Sit him up and rock him.

Baby burps.

Fall back asleep.

Get up to mum's call and swallow a glass of milk.

Sleep.

Get up again and nurse baby.

Finally decide to wake up since it's almost noon already.

Chat with mom.

See baby playing on the bed.

Shake a rattle.

Have a face making contest with baby and accept defeat.

Forget that you've had a bad night. Hold baby close.

Hear mum cribbing about not having meals on time affecting baby's health.

Rush to the bathroom.

Get ready. Have lunch.

Baby cries midway. Get up to nurse.

Mum says food will go cold. Quickly gobble the last few bites.

Rush to baby. Feed him. Burp him. Kiss him when he does.

Baby passes stinky air. Screw nose and laugh out loud with mom.

Watch baby dozing. Admire his frowns and smiles.

Wonder how many joys and sorrows he will give once he grows up.

Imagine how he grew inside you for 9 months.

Touch his soft, shiny cheek in awe.

Feel motherhood well up inside.

Blink back tears.

Change nappy. 

Talk to mom about random stuff.

Crave for a mug of beer.

Check FB and Whatsapp.

Reply to text messages and return missed calls.

Look at beautiful sleeping baby and feel proud to have him in your life.

Have a cup of tea. Fantasize about a glass of wine.

Think about what your friends and husband must be doing.

Feel a little angry that your life has paused and changed while others are living their routines and dreams.

Curse husband for not calling or caring about you or baby.

Husband calls. Feel a surge of love.

Miss husband.

Listen to baby cooing and gurgling in the other room.

Go to him and play for a while.

See if he is hungry. He is.

Take him to the other room to nurse.

Baby is not hungry anymore. 

Follow his enthralled gaze.

Watch him chatter with the curtain.

Pick up a book lying unread on the shelf for 3 months. Read a page. Forget the context, turn a few pages to recall the story. 

Glance at baby. 

See him looking back at you with big brown eyes.

Keep book away. 

Feed him. Get him to burp.

Realize nappy needs a change.

Debate with self whether baby will need to nurse again.

Consider going for a walk. Need to lose weight and get back in shape.

Get dressed.

Wonder if you should really leave baby and go.

Decide to go at mum's insistence.

Return feeling guilty in 45 minutes.

Hug baby like you haven't seen him all week.

Freshen up. Feed baby. Burp him.

Play with him.

Change wet nappy.

Grab a fruit.

Pacify crying baby.

Finish half eaten apple.

Feed baby. Burp him.

Baby does not burp. Try again.

Baby still does not burp.

Check Facebook and Whatsapp groups to see what other moms are going through.

Baby burps on his own.

Bless him. Give him a peck.

Time for dinner.

Baby starts crying. 

See if nappy needs to be changed again. No, pick him up. Baby quietens. 

Put him on the bes, starts weeping again.

Repeat. Get bugged. Wonder when you will have some free time all to yourself.

Call out to mom to handle baby's drama.

Realise you have barely drunk water all day. Down half a bottle.

Switch on tv.

Find nothing worth watching.

Switch off tv.

Talk gibberish with baby.

Wonder if he naps and feeds as much as he ought to.

Have some dinner.

Start watching favorite show on TV.

Get up midway to feed hungry baby.

Burp him.

Change his nappy and clothes.

Get him ready for bed.

Baby starts crying. Sing him a song.

Baby still cranky. Sing him a rhyme.

Baby refuses to calm down. Sing gayatri mantra, Hanuman Chalisa and Ram Raksha in quick succession.

Baby calms down.

Get angry with husband for not being more involved in our life.

Rock baby till he falls asleep.

Lie down next to him.

Touch his little fingers and fondle his pretty head.

Be happy to have him.

Promise him the world.

Talk to mom till she falls asleep.

Prepare to go to bed.

See a missed call from the husband. Call him back.

Brush teeth and go to bed.

Baby wakes up hungry.

Feed and burp him.

Lie down praying for a peaceful night.

Unable to sleep. Wonder what to do with free time.

Repeat.

*********************

A day in my life.

*********************

Cheerio!
A 2.5 month old mother
Aka Princess
:-) 

Travel Time

The giant metallic bird takes off into the sky sealing our individual destinies together only for a couple of hours. We come together and become one, united in this journey - somebody's first and maybe someone's last. 

What's to come, who can say? All we can do is hope to be safe and secure. As safe as we were before  the trip, and as secure as we plan to be once we set foot on land again.

Oh Pune, you're so pretty from way up above. Way more than you actually are down below! My heart goes out to you, and you charm me all over again, my hatred for your traffic  and roads falling away into oblivion as the altitude rises. I've not even left you technically, still flying in your boundaries. And yet, I can't wait to be back, I miss you already...

Floating above a sea of clouds, not even the flap of wings to show flight and motion. Time passes and hundreds of miles fuse and disappear, taking us to destinations far and strange for work or leisure. A neighbour reads a book I know to be boring and untrue while the passenger behind me snores away  to glory. Thankfully no children bawl to make the journey difficult and the sun rises crystal clear, all geared up to spread enthusiasm and hope.

That the airplane itself is like an Asiad bus (the semi luxury ones that were considered preferable to the regular ST buses earlier) is little joy and hence I keep my eyes closed and try to catch some sleep. When that plan fails, I  gaze out the stained window catching my fill of my rainbow hues at dawn. It's about time we reached Hyderabad.

... Just a few lines that came to mind while I was travelling for work earlier this week. Shall be back by next weekend. For now, it's a whole lot of learning, un-learning and re-learning. Such is life. You gotta do what you gotta do. Stay away from your spouse and parents, get used to new people and processes, miss your folks and sleep well without worries of waking up and doing household tasks. 

Signing out from the land of Nizams and biryanis... 

Happy weekend and howle jaisa nakko karo. 

Cheers!
Princess

Experienced Wife Snippets

Here's how you women can make your marital life perfect...

This is that one-off time when I am not going to "lecture" the men but actually address the women... Coz advice given to the males always is forgotten / ignored / misunderstood / criticized...

(All ears now, aren't you, men and boys?)

I am now going to jot this down for the benefit of the females who I expect will be more open and intelligent in putting these lessons into practice. After all, they are the ones that truly need help despite the fact that they are often judged to be at fault when marital bliss is absent between spouses.


Here is my two pence, hope it makes your married life easier...


- Do not expect your man to be the same guy who doted on you and did not let you do a thing, who called or texted you every few minutes / hours, who made you feel like a queen in every way you imagined and dreamed. "Ghar ki murgi daal barabar" is no misconception. The girlfriend who was earlier available only for a few hours a day now becomes visible and approachable 24 hours a day. Obviously there will be repercussions. Be prepared to be involuntarily forgotten or purposefully ignored. TV and gaming will score over you in a list of priorities. There is nothing you can do about it. The first few times if you crib, he will keep it away. Soon, he will stop caring and it will become routine. You have to adjust to and accept your diminished value in his life. You are now expendable since you tied the knot with him. Had he still been pursuing you, you could have wrung him around your little finger. Your loss.


- He married you for convenience first and love later. Maybe you were his best bet or he was just forced into conjugal life. Either way he will still expect you to run the house and do all the chores. If you cannot, hire a maid but do not make his life miserable by requesting help or discipline. No matter if you have a job and earn more, house work will always be the woman's duty and the man will find it beneath him to do these tasks. If he does put the clothes in the washing machine and if he does keep things in their correct places, it is a favour he is doing on you. You might have lived like a princess in your house, but you're married now and that's not his problem. Gear up to hear this each time he folds his quilt - "I do everything I can for you".


- It is okay if he abuses and yells, but you cannot as much as wag a finger at him. Male chauvinists, the bunch of them. They want to threaten you and scare you. They will try to dominate you and show their manhood. If you accept it gracefully, then bless you. If not, the house will echo with screams and choicest words that will resound in your memory until the day you quit (the relation or this life).


- Be thankful for every tiny and every single thing he bestows on you. He wants to feel like a king all the time and be appreciated and respected. So what if he makes you feel like a total mess and a loser? If you are angry, calm down yourself coz no way was he at fault. But if his mood is screwed, you are definitely to blame. Your hurt and disappointment are due to your own expectations. If he actually takes the pains to please you, you ought to feel lucky and grateful. He cannot be held responsible for your needs and peace. All he wants is a happy or silent household. Do not voice your worries or sorrows. Just be quiet and deal with it yourself. Nobody else cares anyway.

- No matter how much you love him and how much he loves you, he needs his space. He cannot deal with being hounded and accompanied all the time. Don't keep waiting for him to text or call or ping you. You do it if you want. Or... The best way to handle this is to identify some time mutually when he can revel with his dumbbells, PSP and cell phone and whatever else. Let him bask in his own space for awhile and do not expect him to even remember you exist. It's not that bad really, you get time out for yourself as well... And as I read by Rori Raye - you could be pushing him away by chasing him... Give him a chance to miss you. Which means leave him alone now and then. Do not take care of everything. Do not plan all the time. Take things as they come. Do not be his mother. Let him be... and he will come looking for you with greater love and affection.

***


Sounds pretty nasty, innit? Cynical, realistic, bitter or pessimistic - whatever you call it. These tips will help you survive if you are like me. If you aren't, well you're more self actualized and I need to learn from you.

As the oft repeated sentence goes, "Shaadi wo laddoo hai, jo khaye pachhtaye, jo na khaye wo pachhtaye."


Ain't bad all the time, of course. But then, who needs advice when the going is good?


Good luck with your spouses.



- (was) Princess

Mera Ghar, Mera Aangan

What’s in a name, said Kalidas.

LOL.

All right, all right. Before you hit the panic button and call to inform me about this typo, let me accept that Shakespeare said it.

But hey, what’s in a name?!!!

Everything.

And I’m not just talking about adding an extra “K” or dropping the “E” from your name. The numerology business, albeit beyond me, still does not compel one to abandon an age old name and accept a new one, hopefully with a new and desired identity.  

I’m speaking about the entire name. Your tag. Your personality maestro.

Care to disagree?

Why else would Kareena Kapoor flip on hearing the name “Ranchhoddas Chanchad” in the super-duper-blockbuster Three Idiots?

It’s funny how certain opinions accompany certain names.

Would Rajeshwardas in the 21^st century ever want to be called respectfully with his full first name?? (Quite a mouthful anyway.) I’m 200% sure he’d jump and stick and hold on tight to the pet name Raj (naam toh suna hoga….!!)

Talk about places for that matter. Deccan is hep, but Sambhaji Nagar….??

Yeah yeah, that’s what the Marathi manoos of Pune renamed Deccan as!

(The name didn’t catch on though, obviously and fortunately…

Imagine – I am going to sambhaji Nagar to catch a movie, dude!! Ewwwww…)

Thoughts and ideas flow into my mind as I revel in an amusing predicament.

The excellent house I’ve moved in and made a home, is in a fantastic society in a great area very close to my workplace and super convenient in terms of facilities and proximity to all important, upcoming locations in Pune. The view is gorgeous, the ambience is delightful, and the vastu is perfect. It's paradise on earth.

Just don’t ask me the name of the locality.

Okay then… it’s Tingare Nagar.

Happy?!!!

:-(

It’s a disgrace. Makes me feel like I’m living in a chawl with huts and hovels around me.

My husband is bothered no less by this fact. In fact, my father suggested we address our address as Adarsh Colony and not TINGARE NAGAR.

So, the other day, when asked about my whereabouts and residential details…

“Where do you stay now?”

“Near the airport.”

The chap wont give up. Typical.

“Where exactly?”

“Adarsh Colony”

“And where’s that?”

Grrr…

“Near Vishrantwadi”

“Ohhhhhh… Tingare Nagar????!!!!”

“(If you must.)”

The last sentence (as you might have guessed) was expressed mutely, but definitely not in good humor.

I’m used to it now, though. Time is the best healer, and the marvellous abode certainly makes up for such small nuisances.

Tingare Nagar, it is :-)

Home is where the heart is…. !!!

Call it what you may. To me, it’s my love nest.

Cheerio!
Anuja