Dream last night

I dreamt of you last night.

I know I dreamt of you last night.

I don't know why I dreamt of you last night.

In my dreams, you were at my beck and call.

Watching out for me, taking care of my wants.

As you did, back then, in real life.

You stayed by me at my worst,

Allowed and forgave my obnoxious self.

You said you could do anything to make me happy.

And that's exactly how I remember you in my dream last night.

Not so long ago, I could have had anything.

I just had to say the word.

You didn't have much to give,

But all that you could you handed over to me freely.

Now that we haven't spoken in ages,

I wonder how I dreamt of you last night.

Maybe you're lingering in my memories,

Perhaps you're prancing in my head.

Without me knowing or admitting it.

But I dreamt of you last night,

And I've been restless since then.

Don't you come back in my dreams again.

The way you did last night.

It leaves me with a sense of loss,

And yearning to see you again.

But not in my dreams at night.

Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Oh to find the one you love....

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
Come rain or shine, this single soul
Makes all your hopes come true.

He keeps you warm when the nights are cold
And becomes the cool breeze in summers
He knows value lies in depth and feeling
Not in money or numbers.

It's not about those good times
Or the parties you went to,
It's about the times you cried on his shoulder
And he knew what to say or just sob along too.

He supports you when the goin gets tough
And when you're wrong as well
The only thing he doesn't do
Is leave you alone and miserable as hell.

There will be fights and there will be pain,
But what there won't be is insecurity
You will always know he's by your side
No fear of abandonment or infidelity.

You know you mean the most to him
And your word uttered can change his goal
Of all the things he can have or lose
Your forlorn face is his greatest toll.

Vacations and gifts are all appearances
Moments are what matters most
The times he put work and self behind
Are the times you cherish and boast.

He knows how to make you smile
When everything seems desolate,
Sometimes with a book, whisky, movie or chocolate
Sometimes with a sermon on fate.

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
It doesn't meant a lifetime of joy,
But you sure won't be lonely when blue.

... And I hope you find him (or her).

Cheers
Anuja

My Big Little Man

Happy Diwali, folks! (belated, sorry)

Exactly a month since I last wrote - caught in a whirlwind of activity, juggling work and home, festivals and routine. Aarush turned 4 last week, and I'm 1.5 months old in terms of NT age. Cheers to us!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - days don't pass, but years fly. I feel it when I see my son every single day. We don't think we're growing old, or our parents are getting older, but changes in kids are just so much more noticeable and adorable. From the gurgles to now complete sentences, superior Hindi and English vocabulary usage, arguments and comebacks - Aarush is a conversationalist's delight. And sometimes a bother, coz he's a chatterbox with no mute/stop button! He even sings to himself during solitary play or does running commentary and if I don't hear anything, I need to pop into his room and check if everything's okay and I generally find him asleep. Ha ha. 

The funniest words he's used recently are "Saba-naba Kich-di" instead of "Sabudana Khichadi" (= a sago delicacy frequently consumed during fasts, but also preferred otherwise). Oh he can very well enunciate "Sabudana Khichadi" but he insists that his teacher calls it "Sabanaba Kichdi" that's what it is, thank you very much. 

His favorite color is orange since birth, he loves shopping, especially for his car collection, and he is very clear about what he wants and doesn't. He does not like being touched, but he is obedient and inquisitive. You may call him shy the first time you see him, oh boy, wait till he is a little comfortable and you'll be enthralled by his energy and wit. "Your kid is not coming" - he said to a neighbor once, and "You don't care for your mother" - he told me when I chose to cross the road with him than his granny. Smart Alec.

Sonny boy made me immensely proud when he scored almost cent per cent marks in his school tests. Honestly, I would not mind much even if he got half as much. After all, I was a 90+%er all through school, and I don't think it matters at all now. Add to that, he joined the new school 3 months late, so my expectations were pretty low. Fortunately or unfortunately, he has set the bar high now, and I'm going to try and not let that color my future expectations from him! But he's a wiz, that chap - Hindi, English, coloring, writing, logic, sports, memory - you name it! Hurray.   

His EQ (emotional intelligence) is staggering, in my opinion. He's wiser beyond his years, more sensible and perceptive than most adults. (Could this be because he has immature, impulsive and aggressive parents, I wonder?)

He mediates fights, asks questions, seeks to understand, puts his point across, all very gently and honestly. He very expressive and sensitive as well, and I both, admire and fear this. Admire because he's such a beautiful human to be around, and fear because emotions bring more pain than joy in the world we live in. He is hurt when some kid refuses to play with him or doesn't do "dosti / batti". He is elated when someone else is happy, and he knows how to share and care. His demeanor with his little cousin and friends is marvelous and it almost nudges me to give him a sibling of his own, but no sirree - too high a price to pay for his companionship! I'm one and done. LOL. Got my own life, sanity and aspirations (and finances!) to consider, so no. At least not until circumstances change.


Circumstances.... all well, but nothing great. BAU (business as usual) but nothing that fires up the soul. Mild depression? Maybe. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and then there are days when I don't want to get up from the bed. I worry about my weight, and binge on junk. Life is on track, no REAL trouble, per se. Got the resources, lack the will. Have responsibilities, but no dreams. I do shopping for others, I pursue others goals and problems as my own. Passions of the past have vanished, I feel more like the side cast of the story supporting the lead characters than actually the hero of mine. I don't know if that is good or bad, but it sure feels like I'm whiling away my time without making my time and abilities count. Matter of time, I hope. Until then, it is Facebook and Instagram checking, Bingo showdown craze, Splitsvilla and Koffee with Karan reruns, and some Netflix now and then. Oh, and when I can summon the perseverance and patience, it is to read Perfect Love by Shubha Vilas and conclude The Curse of Bramha by Jagmohan Bhanver. Writing (book or blog) is (as you can see) right at the bottom of the list. Why repeat and harp on what you've said 100 times before? Right? 

Went to get my eyes checked - and here's the news... I've got glasses again, thanks to my screen obsession - TV, laptop, mobile. 6 years spec-free was thrilling, and I have no regrets about my eye surgery - it was worth every penny and worth all the effort. Back to spectacles for now.

And time for us to say adios...

Have a good one, fellas. 

Cheers!
Anuja

Balance your Accounts

I actually wanted to come here today and talk to you about something educational and developmental - the Leadership Challenge, a book by Kouzes and Posner, and about how it gives you useful practices to become a more effective leader. 

But then, real life crises and harder challenges inundated me - something that I must share now, and something that requires the Leadership Challenge to wait for next time.

I love horror flicks, but what really got me in a frenzy were two movies : Udta Punjab and The Butterfly Effect. The films freaked me out, about how helpless and desperate some lives become, for little or no fault of theirs. Bullies and pricks mess up your sanity and innocent people suffer for the dastardly acts of monsters in human disguise. Have these creatures got no bloody conscience? 

Sorry if you have no context as I rant, and it's okay if you haven't seen these films. If you're as sensitive as me, their effect will stay on with you long after you watch them. Life suddenly becomes too real, and unbearable. Which it actually is. After all, when you read in the news that 8 men raped a pregnant goat, and young girls are paraded naked and abused, then you lose whatever little hope you have in God and humanity. Really, how did we manage to fuck up so bad? Is this where our intelligence has led us? Did God really plan all of this to turn out this way? Is this what was described eons ago as Kal-Yug? 

And apparently, we're not even halfway yet. There's still a lot more decades to go before Kalyug attains its full g(l)ory. I shudder at the thought, and I'm glad I'll be gone long before then. If the final Kalki avatar is going to set things right, then it's no mean task that we're setting out for him. Shiva's Tandav is definitely going to be welcome to end this madness.

We're evolving, they say. Industry 4.0 is here where artificial intelligence and automation will make our lives easier. We're creating robots and machines that can do things for us, giving us more time and luxury. In my opinion, all of us need to get back to constructive work, and stop fooling around. Idle mind is devil's workshop. Which is where people get ideas to loot and cheat others, abuse and wreck those that they think are lesser than us. Lesser in age, or status, or level, or other criteria that doesn't matter one bit in the long run. 

"Dharma Kshetra", one of the shows on Netflix, is a drama on how everyone in Mahabharata was summoned into Chitragupta's court to account for their actions and accusations. Everyone, right from Draupadi (episode 1) to the Pandavas and Kauravas and even Krishna, were asked uncomfortable questions to justify their intent and acts. 

Think of your life, and this trial in your final journey. When you are interrogated about what you are doing and what you've done, to yourself and to others, will you be able to explain? Would it sound acceptable and respectable? Will you be able to earn awe and empathy with your answers or will you be condemned and ridiculed? What you tell others is important, but what is more significant is what you tell yourself. You can't fool your own conscience. And that is why some of us achieve enlightenment and peace while others keep running like headless chickens, suffering and failing in life. 

Know yourself, know your purpose in life, know the means to these ends, and do what you got to do. Not coz someone is watching, but because your final accounts will be scrutinized and your final rating will be a mirror to all that you've been and done in your life, intentionally or involuntarily. Watched mutely as someone was harassed? Participated (through direct action or complete inaction) in embarrassing someone? Hurt someone with your words and deeds? Exploited someone or never acknowledged and valued those that were there for you? Lived and laughed at others' expense? Nothing will be forgotten, nothing will be forgiven. Not unless you acknowledge and repent, change yourself and be a good person, deserving of being called a human. Like the popular joke claims, a priest was sentenced to hell and a driver to heaven, because people remembered the Almighty when the driver drove, but they yawned with boredom when the priest gave sermons. 

Jokes apart, time to get less sombre. 

Something else that has been on my mind like a puzzle I'm unable to decipher, is finalizing a school for my kid. Yes, we're going to be moving (again) which calls for a change in school, daycare, home and neighborhood. My friends and family are trying to wrap their heads around our constant movement, but I take it as a test of adaptability and flexibility - a level of maturity and readiness that God desires us to attain. 

While I am quite excited about the move, the hassle of getting Aarush admitted in a good (CBSE) school with daycare facility is getting to me. I've shortlisted two options - Phoenix and Kothari, both in Kharadi, but their overall resemblance is confusing me. While Kothari has many positive reviews, I found Phoenix more spacious and airy. They're both charging a bomb to raise my child, but that's an obvious consequence of choosing to pursue a full-time career with no help at home. Once this decision is made, it will stay for at least 5-8 years, and that is why it is all the more critical that I make the right call for my bundle of joy, affection, energy, creativity, wisdom, talent and intelligence. I don't believe in burdening the child and making him grow up too soon, but I also want him set on the right track for success and satisfaction, to be a good person with the right skills and emotions enabling him to lead a happy life and be an effective, worthy individual in society. 

... And it's time to wrap up! 

Keep smiling, you.

Love,
Anuja

Paths Well Trod

She grew up - from a quiet child, bullied and bright, to a teenage girl with few friends and many fears but many more dreams.

Told all her life that she was dark and ugly, until she believed she could be smart but little else.

A rebel with conservative parents who had a hard time raising her. They set rules that she broke anyway with a sharp and silver tongue, much to their agony and helplessness.

Alcohol, modeling, boyfriends and late nights - she did it all, no matter who said what.

"It's my life", she mused and declared, throwing caution to the winds.

"I'm careful, and I know what I'm doing. I won't live a life with regrets and I am responsible for all that I do."

She worked and she studied, and she did both well.

She met the boy she knew she'd spend her life with.

And then they broke up.

Actually, she did. He was heartbroken.

She did not like breaking hearts, but she respected candor more than she valued courtesy.

Life went on. People came and went. She had her heart broken, but she made more than a few good friends on the way.

Dating. Chaos.

Marriage. More chaos.

Motherhood. Boom.

It was no fairy tale. Facebook pictures and tags lie. Motherhood drives you insane. It strips you of your personal life, and it takes away all your sleep and peace. There are moments of joy, no doubt, but they are far outweighed by a feeling of overwhelming frustration and responsibility. You never feel good enough. You always think you're doing a shoddy job. You always blame yourself, or your partner, or your family, everyone - all for the tiny tinker who dominates your life and thoughts, every single second. You can't enjoy that drink or that cuppa or a book or a show.

You don't own your life anymore. And that sucks, especially when everyone else is going their way without a hint of concern for your lacklustre, possessed life. 

And then, slowly but steadily, things fall in place. The poop prince(ss) gets toilet-trained and sleeps through the night, allowing you some time for yourself and your partner. Their endless questions throughout the day give way to independent play and school time. Homework and fees are a tiny consequence when you get to work productively in office and focus on your ambitions and bucket list.

The delight mounts when your kid starts expanding his vocabulary - "Mujhe tik ke baithna hai" (=I need some backrest) says my little man this morning as he gingerly settled down in my unwelcoming lap to drink his superhero milk. "Don't use bad words", he mentioned the other day, when I called the Ola guy "ridiculous" for cancelling my trip. He jigs to "Cutie Pie" from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil and my heart dances with him. He proudly tells me the name of all his classmates, and I try to recall if he had ever been small or was it just my imagination. He knows me so well, that I oil his hair on Saturdays and then we put a towel on the bed to prevent the liquid seeping through the covers. He knows he needs to wash up when he gets home, and that he needs to be prompt when he is called. He is confident and he is smart, and he knows it all.

I've done a good job, I think.

Raising a child is hard. Raising one with good manners and values is harder.

I get pitiful looks for keeping my child in the daycare for 6 hours while I am away at work. Ask them if they will come home and be their caretaker, and then people have other priorities.

You got to do it all. And you got to do it all well. Work, home, kids - nothing can be put on the backburner. Time is of the essence. What you avoid now, will avoid you later.

Prioritize, yes. Procrastinate, nope. No sirree. Not at all.

I got 4D's for you - Delegate, Dump, Defer or just DO it.

How high you soar, how fast you rise when you fall - that is what defines you. Not the labels others put on you.

Don't let your achievements go to your head, rein in that arrogance - you will need humility when you are knocked down by sorrow and failure.

Life doesn't have clear wins and losses, there is always a trade-off. We are all winners in different spaces at different times. The bar is different for us all. God's fair, after all. 

What you believe about yourself matters, but what matters more is where that belief takes you in life.

Problems come and crises go. Some folks stay, others walk away. Life always works out in the end.

When you're alone, don't hate your company.

When you look at the mirror - like the person who looks back at you.

I'm here if you need me. 

Stay happy!

Cheerio,
Anuja

Show me No Shows

I just gave someone my blog details, and then I realised... All I have been going these past few months/years is cribbing outside and flaking within. Gawd, the way my blog has evolved is from fun and happy-go-lucky, creative and lively to cynical and grumpy under the guise of wise and resilient. 

I earlier thought my long writing gaps and absences were my miss, but now they appear a boon; too much crabbiness for you to deal with already!

So, well, let me tell you what I've been doing these last 2 months, and what I plan to do these next few weeks...

Let's get the basics out of the way - I watched Sacred Games, all 8 episodes in Season 1, and I uncovered just how much social pressure shapes our actions. The show was good, though not extraordinary, but what struck me, was how much of a prisoner we have become to technology and entertainment. Earlier we used to wait one full week to watch the next episode of one of the handful shows on TV, but now with Netflix, Amazon Prime, SonyLiv, Voot, Hotstar and what not, we sit down like mindless zombies and keep watching episode after episode on loop, totally out of control of our brains, and utterly manipulated by the entertainment providers. Just how useful are these shows anyway? Do they teach us anything new, anything worth knowing, something to not be missed? 

No. All they do is give us meat to talk about to our peers who are senseless zombies like us, and ways to engage our mind and divert it from other, more ambitious, constructive actions. Real hobbies are dead today, because all we mention in our CVs and online portals under the hobby section is watch TV and listen to music. I used to write poetry and stories on my blog; these last few years - all I have done is write reviews of shows and movies and (very rarely) books. Damn! Just where did I go wrong... I thought I was a sensible lass, what crass!

The person who reminds me I am better off, is my husband, whose aim in life seems to watch all videos under the sun, useful or otherwise. The only person in my life who truly seems to have a balance of live versus unreal is my son - he is the one who enjoys conversations, likes to be outdoors and connect with the real world. He does like an occasional cartoon or two, but he's far superior to us adults when he says, "Enough now, let's play together". Child, indeed, is the father of man. Thank you, little Aaru, for teaching me this crucial lesson. 

We look for validation in all that we do. Am I watching the latest shows? What am I missing out on? What is everyone around me doing? How badly will I suffer if I am left out? 

We have lost our souls and our individualities. Me, no exception. I loved Game of Thrones after initially shunning it, until I could bear it no longer. I am eager to watch the ultimate season next year. I love Roadies that I religiously follow every week on Voot, and Splitsvilla, all thanks to my hero, Rannvijay Singha. I also have an inclination towards horror and comedy on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Koffee with Karan and BFF with Jeep was also interesting. 

I was drawn to this easy channel of entertainment, an obsession that kept me away from intelligent pursuits like reading, writing and doing something more tangible. I said work and the kid exhausted me, so I sunk into the sofa with my mobile phone and spent hours online, disconnected from real life, real people and my real self. I had no time for praying and meditation or exercise. But I was always available online. WhatsApp and Facebook made me more distant from those that sat right next to me. I left WhatsApp groups that were not relevant or useful, which made me watch dumb videos and memes, and shared endless Good Morning and mindless banter. I unfriended/unfollowed folks that I did not resonate with anymore. I make it a point to keep my phone away when I am with people, and I try not to look at it, until absolutely essential. I spend time on LinkedIn and news sites, and I have disabled all notifications from time-wasting apps. 

I am guilty, consider me reformed. 

Drawing a line is critical, to know when to stop and where to focus. It does not mean that you have to completely end something, but you need to know what is urgent and important, if you want to live life the best possible way. You decide your priorities, but your achievements determine your life. Be a fool and a slave to the wrong things, and that's all you'll ever be good for. Crap. A wasted life. Nothing to write home about, and a feeling of worthlessness long after the ship has sailed and others have moved on to greener pastures and better lives.

I hope the right people read this, I hope this post touches at least one, at least some of you. It will be my personal victory if you get on board with me in this struggle that appears flimsy, but will be a turning point in the long run. Evaluate your time, your life, your decisions. Anything that you should not be doing, quit. Something that has been on your bucket list forever, do it now. Clothes that you haven't worn and stuff you haven't used in the last 6 months, throw it - you will never use it again. Trust me. You won't miss it. For all you know, you don't even know when and where you misplaced it. Friends that you haven't met in ages - well, either you are not friends anymore, or you need to take the time to rebuild that relationship which you have taken for granted and cast away to the dogs.

I had only been thinking of blogging for some days. 

I did it today. I'll procrastinate later, I said. 

Get up, get a life. Get your life back. 

Lofty words. I know. But easy to do, no? 

Rephrase: 
Instead of "I don't have time"
Say - "You/This is not a priority"

Instead of "rejected"
Say - "redirected"

Your life will change. Don't mess up the big things for the small stuff. 

No regrets; that's what your epitaph should say.

I'm here if you need me. 

Cheers!
Anuja    

End of the World

It was predicted that the world would end in 2012. 

It didn't. 

I got married that year. Probably the end of my days of peace and fulfilment.

There are so many events that spell doom for us, and we think if such and such thing happens, then my life is over. 

When I was in school, one of my umpteen teen secrets was that I couldn't for the life of me, memorize the multiplication table of 17. I was so sure that everyone else but me knew all tables by rote that it distressed me no end. Now when I look back, I barely recall having used the table in all my growing up years. But back then, it was something that appeared a major obstacle in my education, career and reputation. (Little did I know that my peers and elders did not know the math tables of 13, 14, 15 and 16 either, and anyway what are calculators for?!!) 

That's just a tiny example, one of many that would spring to your mind as well, when something seemed unsurpassable and daunting.  

Right now, as my son displays all wonders and disasters of toddlerhood, there are so many things that stand out as "can do" and "cannot do", and become benchmarks for moms who enjoy (or can't help) comparing their kids with others. I've never been one of those moms, I knew my child would cross his milestones as and when he was ready, and sooner or later, all kids are able to do everything that is required of them. (All of us grew up just fine, didn't we, no matter what our scores in school, no matter what our experiences in life.) Some of us did better than the others in certain fields, and the others are happier though they may not have done anything that seems extraordinary to the rest. I know my classmates who flunked in school while I scored near perfect marks, and now they're settled in all parts of the globe, earning probably way more than I do, and ticking off items in their wishlists and their lucky spouses' too! Life's fair, everything balances out in the long run. 

Coming out of the closet and divulging the truth about yourself to society is a fate worse than death to our earlier generations. Everything was swept under the rug, and people pretended everything was fine, just so that society did not look at them funny or criticise them. Fortunately, our generation is more honest and upfront about confessing our realities - be it our sexual orientation, marital status, career preference, life goals, etc. Our parents may not approve, but most of them do support us and allow us that blessed chance to do what our hearts say. Society, that comprises folks like our parents, thus follows suit and while they still whisper behind closed doors, stories are forgotten and new ones take their place. 

I had an inter-caste marriage, much to the agony of my family: blood as well as in-laws, for various reasons. But since many youngsters then chose partners across religions, I did not ruffle too many feathers. I thought it was the start of my happily ever after. It was cursed even before it started, and over the years, I realised that I would regret this union, though I'd skipped the regret of not having taken a chance (which is a lot more common). 

For 3 years I tried to make it work, sometimes alone, sometimes with the help of the "wonderful" (ex) husband (who objects to being mentioned on this blog, though he religiously stalks me here since I've blocked him on Facebook and WhatsApp and my real life, and threatens to sue me for defamation, for citing things that I've experienced in real. Bollocks! All he wants is to avoid paying maintenance for the kid, just like he avoided all duties and responsibilities of husband-hood and fatherhood. Which I'm okay with! Good riddance to bad shit, even at the cost of an arm and a leg.) 

My marriage was not meant to be. I should have quit many years ago, but hope and the shame of divorce kept me going. I felt that a love marriage (or any marriage, for that matter) should never end. It was a promise for life. End of a marriage, meant end of the world (yet again). 

Had I been sensible and known that I'd have to change my opinion, I'd have changed it sooner and saved a beautiful creature from being impacted. But well, this angel being there is a blessing to me as well. Plus the knowledge of how tolerant, how wicked and how loving I can be, which was an eye opener for me as well.  

Oddly, they talk about mutual consent divorce. How can divorce be mutual consent, why does it need to be? If one person lets go off the handshake, there is no handshake - it does not depend on the other person withdrawing his hand or not. Marriage needs to be mutual consent, not divorce. And divorce is not the end of the world like I thought it was. It is the end of my sacrifices and suffering, and I have come to terms with it. My dear husband probably hasn't, since he doesn't want to let me go free, though he's the one desirous of freedom and no-strings-attached-relationships.

So separation - better late than never. I'm not the only one, and I am definitely one of the luckier ones, who at least have a choice, and means, reasons and ways to survive. Better than those couples who stay together due to limitations and helplessness, and certainly better than couples who pretend to be together but are more distant than strangers. "Choosing to be miserable together than happier alone", as I read on Scoopwhoop, and exactly my condition up until last year...  

We all have our reasons. We all have our methods. We all choose to sanction some things, and we detest some others. We are all right. We are all wrong. And we all co-exist. Our perspectives change, our wisdom rises above the petty and prejudices.

And the world only ends when we stay stuck, refusing to move on. Find your miracle, be your saviour. Uncover your strengths and reveal your dreams. Nothing can hold you back, if you really want to be happy. The world only ends when you lose faith.  

The world ends. For you.

Reality? It is always alive. Never dies. Never will. No matter what. Even if you cease to exist, the world shall still go on. So don't take yourself too seriously, don't beat yourself up over your mistakes and bad decisions. It was all meant to happen. You were supposed to learn those lessons and experience that anxiety and pain, all so that you could be who you are today, better than yesterday, ready for tomorrow. 

Smile and say hello, it's a beautiful world. And it's immortal. 

(You're not . So make every day count, and enjoy each moment.) 

Cheers!
Anuja

Being Alive

Call it destiny or call it timing, I last wrote to you about all the jazzy pubs and resto's I'd been to, and as it happens, most of them are now going sober due to the rule which states no alcohol selling/consumption close to highways. 

(I'm sure that's not stopping the "dedicated" boozers and sellers. Where there is one rule, there are ten ways to flout it. Human mentality!)

I'm writing to you after quite a hiatus. Been busy (yet again) with work, travel (Bangalore pub-hopping and staff connects) and home. The kid is in his troublesome two's and it's a pain even to survive, forget blog and do something fun. However, I seem to be managing pretty okay with mt work-life balance. I recently went paragliding with some colleagues to Kamshet, and was it an otherworldly experience! Truly thrilling and adrenaline-racing! Right from the fun local train ride to the trek uphill to the flying platform and back home by auto. 

I enjoyed my aerosport experience with Indus paragliding and you can locate them online. They charge about 3000 bucks as do most others in the vicinity, and it's called tandem paragliding, which means a trained pilot flies with you steering and manoeuvring while you only sit and drink in the sights and excitement. I was lucky to find a Nepali pilot who did everything imaginable on the flight, including somersaults and swinging to and fro, and going to heights and dips. I guess I should also thank my weight, because my poor colleague was almost denied a ride as she was underweight and hence a risk to take off and land owing to the breeze. The ideal weight, I believe is 60-80 kgs so here's a reason to celebrate your kilos!

I realised many things on the trip and during the flight, and I'm going to share them with you just in case they change something in you or resonate within you. Life is too short to keep complaining about what's happening and what's not, who did what to you, and why things did not work out. There is no point in waiting for that one single person to fulfil your dreams and imagination. Be your own hero, take charge of your life. Find the time to do things that you love. Everything else will fall in place. There are many new friends waiting for you to take the first step and plan something that you've always wanted to do but never managed to tick off your bucket list. Just take the plunge. It might fail, but it might succeed too. And once it does, it will be a memory for life and maybe friends for a lifetime.

I found out that what makes me feel alive is not just random peregrinating, but a bloodrush when I engage in something thrilling. 

Paragliding was one, and I topped it with Nitro and Scream at the Imagica theme park in Khopoli. The tickets are expensive, so try to visit on  weekday, especially as groups/students so that you get some discounts. In any case, my paisa vasool moment was when I was lifted in the air and plunged to the ground face first on the 360 spiral of the Nitro rollercoaster. Ditto on the Scream which swings and rotates like a massive pendulum making your hair sway and your heart dance. While I skipped most rides since Aarush could not join (he was short of 3 inches and entered free as he's not yet 3), the day sure was refreshing. I also went to the kiddy rides - TeaCup ride and Magic Carousel, Rajasaurus (slow documentary boatride with crazy, wet climax!) and Wild West (okayish after Nitro). I would like to go back for sure and check all the other rides and the Aqua water park next door. Oh and FYI - the restaurant is pretty decent since you are forbidden to carry any outside eatables, and you don't really need an Express pass which is even costlier than the regular ticket. Must visit, so much better than Esselworld and truly a world class destination!

Planning some underwater adventure soon... Won't tell you where and how. But you know I will stop by again, soon. 

Oh and for the record, I watched the spooky Dobara (inspired by Occulus) and visited Bannerghata National Park (amazing safari!) in Bangalore replete with white and Indian tigers, elephants, lions and bears. I finished reading Grown Up by Gillian Flynn (writer of Gone Girl) and it's a great short story, with my entire theme of thrill and chill. 

Be happy, enjoy the rains. See you when I see you :-) 

Love,
Anuja    

Just Another Women's Day

Women’s Day they cheer,

Fortune favors the brave;

And yet this “kick-ass” woman,

Cannot her sanity save.

I marvel at the ladies

That saunter tough with grace,

I fail at half they do

And scamper to save face.    

Fear and anxiety

Are my eternal mates,

I can’t help but wonder,

At folks who accept their fates.

I am my self’s enemy,

I am my own friend,

Everything starts with me,

And I beget my own end.

I’m tired of fighting my soul,

A creature so wild and free;

Taming it takes up all I got,

And leaves not an ounce of peace wee.

Torn between good and immoral,

I toil and douse the fire in my heart;

Doing what the world deems right,

Yet feel so empty in every part.

My soul claims each breath,

Every step I take is mine,

And still at the close of it all,

Nothing seems fine.

Coz some like me who appear,

To have it all together;

Are the weakest when dawn breaks,

As we assemble in our cap each feather.  

When the sun comes up,

We rise with determination new,

Wish all the good we do unto you,

Would come back to us someday, too.

For now we wait and watch,

And go with the flow but fickle;

Veiling our powers and dreams,

That you sell for a dime and nickel.

More power to all of us, ladies.

And the men, who sometimes need more confidence, support and motivation than the erstwhile “weaker” sex.  

Love,

Princess

New Year, Old Ambitions

I find it funny and frustrating when people say they are waiting for the "right" time to do/start something that they call a passion or goal. 

We have the proverb " No time like the present" thrown to us from the pages on the web and even before that, from the our grammar books in school, and yet people don't get the message.

I find it ironic and infuriating that I am one of these people. 

This procrastinating tendency has kept my childhood dream of writing a book under cover for years. 

I watch the bursting shelves in bookstores and the endless views online for books published by individuals who don't even qualify to be called a writer. Writing endless supplements during matriculation and college sure isn't a pre-requisite (or precursor) for this talent. But if I'm such a whiz in this area, then why the hell have I not done anything to keep bookworms content with my potential?

No answer.

Just too busy with life to even write on my blog called Life...

A blog that you wonderful people have decided to follow and subscribe, visit and motivate. 

Work happened, marriage and motherhood. Other goals became priority and this item on my wish list was pushed deeper below. Despite my uncle promising to publish my book of poems, and despite my husband encouraging me to commence on my writing journey, I have managed to take a step and a few more, but never reached the destination. The intent is there, the effort missing. 

I am not brave enough to quit my full-time, well-paying, cushy, satisfying job and pursue this hobby. Quick gratification and security is blinding my eyes to the glimmer of fame and freedom. Even before I have worked on the plot of my story, writer's block and laziness are scarring my dedication. What if it doesn't work out? What if it's just another book on the shelf, a tale in the saga? What if the book fails? What if people ridicule and shun it? What if I don't get published? What if my books lie untouched in bookstores? What if I become the laughing stock of the society?

I know none of this will happen. Even if it does, I won't be the first, or the last, or the only one. Yet, I am afraid. 

Venting on this blog to you is one thing, friends. Writing a book and exposing myself to the world is an entirely different ball game. 


Wise men ponder while fools rush through. My dillydallying is leading me nowhere. 

Show me the way, God. 

Show all of us uninitiated ones where we need to be and what we need to do to get there.

I put myself in your hands. 

Coz I'm so clueless and lost...

Riding pillion, with no passion of my own. Just going with the flow, and yet having to battle it out with the waves. Helpless in my aggression and stumped in my frustration. 

I need a time out. 

Anuja, OUT. 


- Princess 

Two Month Update... and Apologies

Absolutely abominable. From once a month, I've dipped to a new low of not having written to you fellas in over 2 months. Apologies. Sincere ones. 

It's been a crazy time. I guess God wanted me to feel not-so-listless anymore (!) akin what I said in my last post.  

So, what have I been up to?!! Loads. 

I'm now a certified Fierce facilitator, and there are less than 20 of them in India alone. Fierce Conversations is a book, philosophy and tool by Susan Scott which talks about how can make our lives, careers, relationships more fruitful and enriching by engaging in meaningful conversations with people about topics that need to be spoken about. What's more, I am going to be training all the leads in Hitachi Consulting India on this wonderful program so that they can make the organization more powerful and the culture more rewarding. Targets are huge, and the payoff is going to be phenomenal. 

But what is also exciting, is that I was sent to London for the training and I had a great week working and another lovely one roaming around the magical city. With no set agenda, I went around the streets and experienced the grandeur of the Land of Harry Potter. Be it the Buckingham Palace, or the Big Ben, right from the ArcelorMittal Orbit to Old Spitalfields and Covent Garden. My office is bang opposite the Tower of London, and I whizzed around on the tube from Moorgate to Greenwich to Knightsbridge. I ate duck and pigeon at the Canteen in Royal Festival Hall, and I loved the Victorian Sponge and Jude ice creams in salted caramel and chocolate flavors. I purchased at Primark and M&S when I roamed Trafalgar Square and I enjoyed the bustle at Camden Market where I dug hungrily into Poppies' Fish and Chips. The Thames was a delight rendered prettier by the opening of the Tower Bridge. My lifelong dream came true when I visited Platform 9 and 3/4 at Kings Cross, and I was thrilled to see I was not the only one (or the oldest one) nuts about Pottermania. It was truly a trip to treasure. 

And yet, I missed home. 

I have always been a little envious of my friends and colleagues who went abroad and chose to settle there, now having been there for all of 2 weeks, I think India is home and I am happy to be back. As much as I love traveling, my wanderlust does not permit me to move bag and baggage to another land. My husband is ecstatic about this discovery!

Life otherwise has been super packed, too. Be it reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child on the plane, and now moving on to Vadhan's Agniputr. Both of which are stupendous. Or movies that I and the hubby watched full throttle: Dhoni, Pink and Tutak Tutak Tutiya. All of which were not bad. Dhoni was the most paisa vasool, great acting and inspirational story. Pink is overrated, same old plot in a new package with Big B to sell it to you, open letters and all fakeness included. TTT was something that we just bumped into, since we had a free night without the bub. Time pass film with lots of humor and not too much brain. The only disappointment was Chang's, my favorite Chinese restaurant in Viman Nagar, that seems to have hit rock bottom in terms of flavor, service as well as cost. 

Aarush is growing up into an amazing rockstar, what with his nonstop chatter and action. It is rare to see that boy sit or sleep, and his cheerful smile and soothing voice allure the young and old alike. The kid's got vocabulary, affection and intelligence that could shame some adults I know, and it's a pleasure to be his mom, even if I occasionally find myself getting really livid with the tiny monster.

Personally and professionally, life has become quite stable and fulfilling. The calm after so many endless storms. Thank Heavens it's time to sit and relax for a while. I wish I could dedicate some more time to writing, though. I am getting stuck in the mundane even as my heart yearns to publish at least one book in my lifetime.

Let's see when that will happen....

Until then, 

Cheerio!
Anuja
  

Listless and a Poem For Pop n Maa

I am getting old. 

Birthdays don't excite me anymore. 

Of course, I'm getting old. Crossed 30 last year. 

(Hell, that's still a lot younger than how I feel inside.)

(At least at the moment.)

When one imagines oneself, age ceases to matter and you only look at your past and future without serious consideration regarding the chronological details. 

However, my current (longstanding) circumstances and stress make me feel like a crappy, scraggy old hag who feels meh about everything and excited about (almost) nothing. 

Like the Annual Award I bagged in office for all my contributions throughout the year. Like my son's second birthday that we plan to celebrate with pomp and ceremony this November. Like watching movies, reading, travelling and book writing which have been my childhood passions and ambitions. 

I just don't have the fire.

Amazing how someone or some situation can completely suck the life out of you.

Strike that. 

It's not amazing.

It sucks.

Real bad. 

When I used to fantasize about my life, it was quite like the things people post on Facebook - all happy, hunky dory stuff which makes others (mostly) envious and (some) joyous. Ironically, my timeline of memories looks more lively than my recent updates. 

I know people say that all those FB posts are hogwash and it's just attention seeking behaviour. Well, what can I say. They succeed!

I know folks say you ought to count your blessings. I am a stupid woman who does not understand that maxim. 

I know the Gita says you should do your karma without expecting any return. I am not that pious or generous.

I feel out of place and forced to behave normal on days when I am low. Is this what's called depression? 

I am doing very well at work, this is probably the best phase of my career, but I just want to take a sabbatical. I don't want to interact with anyone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to think about the next meal or the next salary. I want to do all I can for my family. I want to make them happy. I don't care what anyone says about me. I want to fight for my rights. I want to not bother about anything or anyone.  

I used to be full of spunk and energy. I used to always have a plan and a big smile on my face. 

I am getting old. It's now a task to gather myself and do some things that excited me before.

Yes, I am reading - finished the 3 trilogy by Shobha Nihalani. Going on to The Girl with All the Gifts. Got a few more tucked into my to-read shelf. Trying to blog when I can. Came to know that Roadies X4 has begun so catching up with that. Been partying with the friends and colleagues at Bar Stock Exchange, Fly High, Cuba Libre. Watched Sultan and found it boring. Hate India and Indians for letting Salman go scott-free....

But end of the day. Duh. Listless. Lonely. Tired of it all.

But my parents... Damn! They're a different, unique breed. So energetic and enthusiastic about life though they are twice(+) my age!

Here's a little something for them. Coz they're awesome!

***

Dear Mom and Pop, Abba and Ammi,

Been a while since I wrote to you,

My anger more tangible and frequent than my affection;

My actions and thoughts receive your support,

Even when they deserve beration.

As I look back at all that you’ve done for me,

And I look forth at your unconditional love;

I realize that whatever I say or do for you,

Could hardly be enough.

The annoyance comes and goes,

As people we’re poles apart;

And yet I know that I will always,

Adore you from my heart.

So blessed to have a relation,

So profound and not sham;

Coz I thank you for being who you are,

And I applaud you for making me who I am.

 ***

“The most beautiful feeling in the world is to see your parents smiling, and knowing that you are the reason behind that smile.” I wish I could give them more reasons and less hurt.

No matter how badly I fell or failed, they have always been there to pick me up and boost my confidence. They have always treated me like a winner, and that is the reason for all my achievements in life. 

Papa, Mummy, Abba, Ammi - Thank you for always forgiving me, accepting me and encouraging me with your words and actions. Raising Aarush is teaching me how much you love me, and he is more fortunate than I am to have outstanding grandparents like you. Thank you for being the best parents and grandparents in the world. I love you.

Forever indebted,

Anuja 

***

Cheerio Guys!
Princess

Catch your Dreams

Hey there. 

Having to deal with idiots is no joke. Look around and you will find them in plenty, at work and outside - no dearth of them at all. Birdbrains, the bunch of them. 

( Grrr )

And it's worse when you're having restless nights abounding in nightmares.

Not a mighty chirpy temperament that I'm in, I'm sure you can tell.

So, well. I'm back from my sojourn - first to the north and then down south (like not really down down, but kinda downer than where I generally am). I was thinking that I'd be pleased to be away from the city (and most importantly, routine) during this period. But well, I did get homesick after a while and wanted to return to home-made food and family.

Landing in Pune was a delight, and things are back to normal (too fast for my liking!)

So, for those of who are wondering why I'm getting nightmares...

(You forgot, right? That's all right. Shan't let you go unless I address this.)

So, I met my colleagues from Hyderabad, China and the US in HYD. It was great catching up with all of them and learning together. Needless to say, I got heaps of gifts from them and I couldn't wait to return to Pune to adorn my desk and home with them. One of the gifts was a dream catcher, and for those of you who don't know what that is, here is a picture of what mine looks like.

Dream catchers are one of the most fascinating traditions of Native Americans. The traditional dream catcher was intended to protect the sleeping individual from negative dreams, while letting positive dreams through. The positive dreams would slip through the hole in the center of the dream catcher, and glide down the feathers to the sleeping person below. The negative dreams would get caught up in the web, and expire when the first rays of the sun struck them.

(Read more here: http://www.dream-catchers.org/)

Not surprisingly, I was mighty excited to get this gift and I was aching to put this up in my bedroom to give my bub and hub wonderful, rosy, happy dreams. 

Turns out, our next couple of nights were anything but pleasant. Both me and my husband, baby too I think, tossed and turned and experienced restlessness. I refused to believe that the dreamsnare was to blame, but my doubts were confirmed when my hubby also expressed the same thought. 

I did a bit of research online (obviously), and I came across several people who had reported poor nights after putting up a dream catcher. Is it true? Is it just our imagination? Stress? 

Can't say for sure. But I did take it off and we shall wait and watch how the next few nights go.

They say the best dreams are seen with your eyes wide open. 

Unless you're only daydreaming without any constructive effort. 

Apart from that, I am sorry to say, I did not catch up on writing and blogging as planned. I was brooding over how I missed my baby and home, and actively engaging on social networking websites to keep my loneliness at bay. I did manage to read though - Shikhandi by Devadutta Pattanaik and With a Pinch of Salt by Jas Anand. The former is intriguing, the latter, well it's all right, nothing remarkable. Tends to drag. 

I'm now reading Vish Dhamija's Deja Karma and it's quite interesting. I hope it keeps up the pace and suspense - been a while since I read John Grisham or Perry Mason, and I do love courtroom dramas.

The baby's doing fine, thanks for asking :-) He's getting naughtier (and cuter!) by the day, though he gives me ample reason to fret when he does not sleep or eat well. I'm wondering about his education already, given that parents these days plan ahead like the world's going to end if they enrol their kids in a 2nd preference school. Any tips from experienced folks are most welcome. I could do with some ready info that I don't have to verify or dig up amidst my 100 chores and responsibilities. 

That's that for now, fellas. 

Hoping to catch some fun dreams tonight!


Cheerio!
Anuja

Live it Up, You!

Wow! This new year really seems to be boding well for my blog... or rather YOUR blog where I write :-) 

There are multiple posts in the last 2 weeks, and that's quite a favorable change from my regular disappearing act. Let's hope the trend continues... Just like throughout the year Amazon, Jabong, Flipkart, and Firstcry online sales.

(No, that's not a resolution. Resolutions are made to be broken. No point keeping one.) 

Umbilical cord guilt.

That's a term I picked up at a session that my company had arranged for women employees. 

While the trainer far from impressed me (professional hazards of being a trainer and self-proclaimed evaluator/critic), I did find myself agreeing with this concept. 

Simply put, it is the state of wanting to do everything, doing most of it, and yet feeling inadequate and miserable because you do not think you are doing satisfactorily for your progeny, and blaming yourself silly for one simple thing that you missed or did slightly below excellent. No matter what or how much you do, you believe you have failed. You stumble under that guilt, and over-compensate in all possible (and sometimes impossible ways) trying to prove yourself superwoman... or rather supermom. 

Every little thing you do for yourself weighs upon your self-esteem and ego, and you blame yourself for every moment of personal joy, peace and freedom away from the little one, who you have probably entrusted to a very caring grandparent or a reliable daycare.

True, you gave birth to that beautiful creature. True, you want to give him/her the world. True, you want him/her to have a happy childhood and set them up for a life of success and joy. 

But at what cost? At the cost of being stressed and rushed, day in-day out, yourself? 

It's not a temporary phase, as we moms keep telling ourselves. It will always be that way. When the child is a few months old, you are led to believe that things will get better as he/she grows. You are reminded of the same "fact" when the kid is one. Then you keep fooling yourself by setting new milestones like when the child goes to school, college, and enters matrimony.

The truth is, the child is independent sooner than you assume, and is very well able to take care of him/her self and his/her needs. I mean, I look at my son like he is a frail, dainty being, and I warn myself that he needs me all the time and I better be available and up to the mark. And then I watch him stupefied as he gallops around the house or park, mingling with other children and adults, communicating in his baby and body language, and getting his tasks done. If he is hungry, he manages to get some food by gesturing, and if he wants to play, he ensures that his toys and games are acquired. So really, what is it that I am feeling guilty about? 

I would like to say that I understand work-life balance, and I do a fairly good job of implementing it in my life. I work smart and I get good ratings, and I also do the things I love in my free time (rare, but there). I socialize with my friends and family, I read books and watch a few sensible shows, I squeeze in a movie or visit the mall with the husband, and I find the time to dish up some delicacies over the weekend. 

All in all, I don't count as a workaholic or idler, though of course there are others that are way more talented and living it up in salute-worthy ways.  

The point being, are you blowing up your self importance and exaggerating your existence as indispensable to someone or something? 

(And that question goes out to all of you, men and women alike, parents or bachelors or whoever you may be.)

Trust me, the world will go on with or without you. So, don't wait until you are ready to die to start living.

(Wow, what a paradox!)

My mom is a living example of this brilliant gyaan. She is putting to action all her zest for life and bringing to fruition all her passions that include religion, traveling, socializing, cooking and the works. I and my brother do bound her at times by unleashing our kids on her, but she loves us all and the grandkids are her jewels, so she doesn't complain. People always have an opinion on everything, and that does bend her will to enjoy life a bit, but I am ready to pump her back to activity whenever this happens. Critics are folks who did nothing amazing themselves and want everybody else to be miserable as well. She is my strength and ideal, that wonderful woman. I could never be her, and I can never stop loving and admiring her. And I have made it my personal goal to ensure that she gets to do all that she likes. 

My dad and husband, on the other hand, keep cribbing that they are unable to accomplish anything, and plan all their goals for a later time (which even God wouldn't know when it would come). Hubs thinks Vodafone will probably crumble to bits if he spends less than 540 minutes at work and Dad cannot leave the city even for a day as if he is the lifeline of Pune.

They're good men, these two chaps. Yet, I wonder if they wouldn't be able to strike a better balance within themselves if only they loosened up a little. 

Hey, I ought to be talking about myself than preaching for others. 

Yes, I need to loosen up, too. The house needn't be spotless every single day. It's okay if the clothes are unwashed or not ironed this week. Bedsheets unfolded and messy drawers are a sign of life, and it's all right if we order food from outside once in a while rather than me bending over in all directions to roast a roti as my bub screeches down the hallway. I love my spouse, and if I do one thing less for him or stop worrying about him, it is not going to impact his well-being. He is an adult and can very well take care of himself. 

Just like it's fine to pamper Aarush once in a while, it is cool to pamper myself now and then. A massage, some quiet time with a book and coffee, a quick tea break with the office buddies, and a snack that doesn't qualify as healthy - no harm done. 

Obviously, unless we go overboard. 

Let go of the guilt, dear folks. Stop being so responsible for everything. You won't remember the days when everything was perfect. You'll marvel at the days when you did something out of the blue and felt pleased. Life won't happen as you plan it, who knows what the future holds in store? Start living. NOW. 

And those of you who live each day as it comes, that's called taking it too far. You might want to step back and see how you can be more effective :-) 

Different strokes for different folks!

Best wishes as we start the new year - make this one memorable! Do something that you haven't done before, or something that you haven't done in a long time. Go out and create something, get started on your goals, one step at a time. 

Just do it.


Love,
Princess