The Boy Atop the Junk

The boy atop the junk, 

Filth below, dreams up high, 

Aspirations touching the sky.

Eyes full of wonder,

Hands everywhere, 

Waste or treasure, nobody to share. 

A comb, a book, hair ties and shoe,

A marble, fridge, a rocking chair,

He poked around, without a care.

His mind, it held the hope of kings, 

This was his arena, full of wins, 

No catch too small, nothing to lose, 

He came up with a clever ruse. 

"I'll shut my eyes as my soul wanders, 

Let God guide my hand". 

He walked about, halting here and there, 

His fingers extended with faith, 

A knife, a needle, broken glass, 

Glistening and lying in wait. 

If you think this is a poem, 

Think again...

Coz you're the boy and life's the junk - 

What are you praying for, and what will you find?

Now open your eyes and hit the grind. 

  

Destiny

 All she wanted was love, 

That was all he took away. 

In his wake, what he left behind, 

Was less than who she was before. 

Her drive and energy waning, 

She tried so hard to hold on. 

Hoping for a miracle, 

That never came. 

Lives around her seemed to float, 

And she watched them from up above, 

Dreamily, wondering, where had she gone wrong. 

She could walk away, she thought, 

If only these invisible chains crack. 

But her mind was strong yet soft, 

That held them in place. 

The elephant, with its leg in a rope, 

The circus driving its frame.

Move, you bad animal, 

She whispered, 

Run away.

The creature, with moist eyes, 

Blinked and stayed.

My master loves me. 

And this is my destiny. 

Smile Divine

That smile... It touched my heart,

I felt warm, I was glowing,

Just with that smile of yours,

You made me smile.

I looked carefully, trying to unravel,

What was it about that smile,

I felt like a teenager with her first crush,

That mad rush of ecstasy.

It made me want to fly,

And run in the wild outdoors,

Thanking the lord for the sun and breeze,

Life seemed perfect, 

Just with that smile of yours.

The way your eyes crinkled,

When you smiled and looked away,

Pure innocence, more than a child,

Beauty personified.

Never have I seen a view,

As pretty as your smile,

My heart beat fast,

My mind wanders to thoughts unbenign,

So unlike me, unladylike,

I want to laugh with you,

Loud and free,

And hold your face in my hands,

Touch your lips, look into your eyes,

Draw you close,

As you continue to smile.

I feel so brave, and helpless, I can't stop,

As you smile, you make me want to go further,

Not caring what happens next,

I could hug you, but then I won't see that smile,

And I can't stop looking at it,

It's magical, has me spellbound,

That smile.

Time flies as you continue to smile,

Your words fall on deaf ears,

I'm distracted, I try to concentrate,

But your smile steals my senses.

Pure rapture throbbing in my veins.

I can't wait to see it again.

That smile.

I've found my drug, I'm addicted.

You blush, and I can't help staring,

You could make me do anything with that smile.

The thought of not seeing it again makes me desolate.

We're strangers, and yet,

I'm in love with that smile.

And I can't wait to see it again....

- Princess

Fantasy

You confessed how much you love me,

And how I mean to you, the world,

You draw me close, so gently,

Turning mine upside down.

Your body beneath my touch,

Shimmering like a jewel,

My breath, rugged and hard,

I'm feeling ecstatic, wild, drunk,

Basking in your bewitching warmth.

Nothing means more than you to me,

I hope it lasts forever, this moment,

So perfect, so divine,

Where I'm yours, you're mine.

A shiver runs down my spine,

Threatening to make me lose control,

Each word you say sounds magical,

Every sound echoes in my veins,

I could just as well be your shadow,

You've got total control,

I don't belong to me no more.

The way you look at me, that smile,

That wonder, glorified,

As if I'm the air you breathe,

And the last drop on the parched sand,

You grasp me tight, that wicked embrace,

I feel pain, I'm safe, 

Surrounded by your love,

That you won't tire of professing,

Day after day after yet another day.

Is this a dream come true,

Is this my destiny coming alive,

The love that I yearned for,

Is finally all mine.

- Princess

Dream last night

I dreamt of you last night.

I know I dreamt of you last night.

I don't know why I dreamt of you last night.

In my dreams, you were at my beck and call.

Watching out for me, taking care of my wants.

As you did, back then, in real life.

You stayed by me at my worst,

Allowed and forgave my obnoxious self.

You said you could do anything to make me happy.

And that's exactly how I remember you in my dream last night.

Not so long ago, I could have had anything.

I just had to say the word.

You didn't have much to give,

But all that you could you handed over to me freely.

Now that we haven't spoken in ages,

I wonder how I dreamt of you last night.

Maybe you're lingering in my memories,

Perhaps you're prancing in my head.

Without me knowing or admitting it.

But I dreamt of you last night,

And I've been restless since then.

Don't you come back in my dreams again.

The way you did last night.

It leaves me with a sense of loss,

And yearning to see you again.

But not in my dreams at night.

Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Oh to find the one you love....

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
Come rain or shine, this single soul
Makes all your hopes come true.

He keeps you warm when the nights are cold
And becomes the cool breeze in summers
He knows value lies in depth and feeling
Not in money or numbers.

It's not about those good times
Or the parties you went to,
It's about the times you cried on his shoulder
And he knew what to say or just sob along too.

He supports you when the goin gets tough
And when you're wrong as well
The only thing he doesn't do
Is leave you alone and miserable as hell.

There will be fights and there will be pain,
But what there won't be is insecurity
You will always know he's by your side
No fear of abandonment or infidelity.

You know you mean the most to him
And your word uttered can change his goal
Of all the things he can have or lose
Your forlorn face is his greatest toll.

Vacations and gifts are all appearances
Moments are what matters most
The times he put work and self behind
Are the times you cherish and boast.

He knows how to make you smile
When everything seems desolate,
Sometimes with a book, whisky, movie or chocolate
Sometimes with a sermon on fate.

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
It doesn't meant a lifetime of joy,
But you sure won't be lonely when blue.

... And I hope you find him (or her).

Cheers
Anuja

Ola October!

Hello my beauties.

Dassera is round the corner and Diwali festivities will soon begin; the cleaning and shopping has started awrite!

Top of the list is obviously stuff for the little one, and amidst the regular clothing and toy gifts, what's noteworthy is that the chap wanted Alexa so an Echo dot finds itself on its way to us. Mum wanted a mixer grinder to dish us some amazing chutneys and I placed that order with delight. I did think I deserved a new mobile device since I'd treated my old One Plus 3 very preciously and it had given up on me with a faulty front camera several years ago. So the Amazon sale tempted me with a brand new red One Plus 7. I realised much later it has no headphone jack, which added the cost of a wireless headset to my cart and expense. Oh and some books and garments. All a day's work. Ab Diwali duur kahaan...

With sales and offers running round the year, festivals are not really an occasion to purchase anything. These special days are excuses to cherish moments with your loved ones. Due to a bad marriage, I've missed cherishing the most important times of my life - birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, festivals...

The night of my wedding, I had a fallout with the man, and for many years later, I regretted going ahead with the ritual regardless. I missed the warm welcome and fun that accompanies moving to a new house and family since there was not a single soul to invite me home. I had to share my friends and family, since the man had nobody to call his own and no relation to offer to me as a new bride and partner. Seven years of marriage, and just a few occasions that were celebrated with peace and joy. Half the times he did not even wish me since we were fighting and most of my nights were spent cursing my destiny and crying my guts out.

My pregnancy was a nightmare despite my good health, and my postpartum days were depressed and lonely since the emotional abuse was abundant and endless. Even as I continued to work outside full time, manage the house and raise my son in the best way possible, I was always sad inside and missed a loving companion I could trust and rely on. Someone who was proud of me and valued me. Instead I was tolerated and misunderstood, criticised and ignored. I was lied to, and I was tortured mentally and physically, and each passing day had me convinced that life was worthless and hopeless. That I was not a good person. Any vacation and every family function was reduced to misery because of his whims and fancies. I almost came to a point where I considered I'd never be happy.

Sadly and shockingly, I thought I deserved it and chose to empathize with the villain of my story who treated me like trash. I actually believed that he was suffering and I was wrong. All for love. Stupid, unrequited love. Blind adoration. Mad obsession.

Or so I thought. Now that I think of it, it probably was ignorance and lack of experience on his part. He was just reacting and learning, with no precedent to follow and no experience to rely on. He thought he was wronged and I managed to blame him for most things.

I deserved someone who would stand up for me, not coz I needed to be protected but cos I was worth being respected. Someone who would appreciate me for my strengths and how I added to his life and happiness. But no matter what I did, whether to support him or celebrate him, be it 2 birthdays in a year or being there for him when his family and colleagues exploited him, reminding him of his goals and pushing him to achieve them, nothing was good enough. Misunderstandings were endless, and I doubt he ever realised who really cared for him and wanted the best for him. His blind worship of undeserving folks that he called friends and family made him lose us several times, but somehow destiny always brought us back together. It still hurts that we were so daft and turned our worlds upside down for people and matters that didn't really matter. We hurt each other, burnt our hopes and dreams in the pyre of our marriage to become a campfire for the ones that never cared... But I guess, good things come to those who wait. And we both needed time and a few hard knocks for good sense to prevail.

I'm happy I have such a strong capacity to adore someone so passionately and fully. I did it once, and then I did it again, multiple times with te same man. And eventually like a fairy tale, this has worked out perfectly. Better late than never. This was absolutely worth holding on to, and never letting go.

I suffered. As did he. So did my parents. And most of all, our child, who deserved better.

But enough about that again....

Let me tell you how much I've enjoyed reading The Last Mrs Parrish by Liv Constantine. The sisters that go by the pseudonym have done an amazing job, painting the picture of a love triangle and tracing the depth of different characters. The pages come alive as you read the woes and triumphs of the protagonist, both perspectives delivered with full justice and sincerity. Definitely worth reading, take my word. I'm going to return to my Harappa trilogy - the last one Kashi beckoning from my shelf, as Agatha Christie and Chandragupta await their turn.

I've been catching all the movies too. Latest was War starring Hrithik and Tiger Shroff. Good acting, average story, handsome hunks who dance well and fight better. Full marks for action that seems ridiculously overdone, but then with two Greek gods in the movie, they got to be milked for their worth.

Also watched Criminal Justice on Hotstar, some awesome acting there as well. Pankaj Tripathi and Jackie Shroff have taken the cake even as the main hero - Vikrant Massey hogs your empathy along with his supporting lady roles in the form of lawyer and sister.

So you see, months are flying, and there's not a dull moment. Every day for me is Thanksgiving day for being alive and for having a world of opportunities ahead of me.

The past can only bother you until you find a present with a future. You got to evaluate what you've learnt or lost after every decision and failure in life. If you've done your best, then you got to stop beating yourself over the miserable mistakes. It's only a matter of time before life offers you another chance at happiness.

Keep your eyes, arms and heart wide open, amigos. Adios!

Love
Anuja

Women and Empowerment

I'm about to put my foot in my mouth, and I don't care. This may not apply to all women but it doesn't have too many exceptions either.

Women need protection and empowerment and support and understanding, yes, for sure.

From who?
Other women.

Women are the biggest enemies of women. Alpha male is not just a syndrome noticed in men, but certainly exists in women as well.


Which is why, rarely do we see women getting along with other women, especially without a clear hierarchy in place. Women are insecure and can't share the limelight with other gifted women unless they all feel comfortable in their skin and position. Be it the typical saas-bahu at home, or two peers at work, or a reporting relationship.

It's sad. Men get along as friends and colleagues, in school and office. Women who are supposed to be nurturing and warm, often end up backbiting and messing up relationships. And then we say women need empowerment in a male dominated world. I'm sure some do, but that applies equally to men who are meeker than many other men AND women alike.

Under the guise of diversity and inclusion, a lot of effort and resources go into actually doing the opposite - creating programs that exclude men from women and create a sense of differentiation. Going back to the concept of co-ed and convent schools, how are we plugging the gap by driving women-only missions?

Women in corporates are the last ones that need empowerment, in my opinion. What we do need is a session on being kind and genuine to each other. Not just on the face, but to have one face in front of everyone. Treat everyone with respect and not discriminate basis friendship and org hierarchy. Whether it is at a lunch table or conference table, don't make anyone feel isolated or humiliated. That's what we all need to reiterate. Men, I think, are far sorted because they don't bother about such petty things. Which is why most men get along with each other without pretending to be best pals, become buddies in a group with few or no expectations and last longer than thick feminine friendships that grow bitter in time. Emotions that are considered a women's forte, are exactly what we forget when we aren't on the receiving end of being mocked, ignored or criticised.

Not true across the board, but I speak from experience. I've been spoken down to by women far more often than men, and these ladies have been senior, junior and on the same level as me at work. Bullied in school and college. In society. Some of them not half as capable as me, but with added courage coz of their pack at their back.

I've never been in a pack, coz I've seen this happen in too many places and I call it out when I see it.

Since I come from a Psychology background, I do think I have a fair understanding of these terms and behaviors I'm describing with conviction, not bias.

One could argue that I could be the cause of the uncouth behavior and not a victim, but women who are leaders or aspiring leaders often talk down to people than motivate or support them. They mistake being obnoxious for assertive and they think being bossy is a leadership trait. This, I've heard across the circles.

Don't try to be a man. Just be a woman. Be a leader. Stop competing, because really, true talent and potential will shine. If you are afraid someone will shine brighter than you, that's fine too. There are enough places for all of us, and just like we tell kids - we don't have to be #1 in everything. Don't pull someone down coz you can't climb up unless you step over that person.

Women empowerment started off as a good initiative. I think we have lost the plot somewhere. Support all genders, not one or some. Keep the ground level and fair. Ask questions, listen to answers, help where you can and ask for help when you need. Be open. There's too much trouble in all our lives without us adding to each other's misery.

Why am I talking about all this today?

Well, I think about it every other day.

Just that I am not hesitating to put this in black and white today for fear of some women hating this post and subsequently me for some perceived story in their head that they don't have the courage to verify directly, but assume I've written about them...

And guess what, maybe I have.

Stay strong, and be real.

Cheers
Anuja

April update

Helloooo!

Three months have passed since I last peeped in here. Happy times to report, fortunately!

I complete 6 months at Northern Trust, time flies! So far so good, nothing to complain about. I'm now certified on 5 choices to extraordinary productivity by Franklin Covey and on my way to Crucial Conversations. Built a strong network already and working on achieving some key goals for the team and myself. 

2019 has been kind to me, and I'm not prepared to have it jinxed yet, so touch wood!

March saw 2 sudden events, a wedding in Goa (such a gala affair) and my debut as a speaker at a panel discussion in an LND summit on disruption and innovation in the field of learning and development. Check out some pictures of both these rosy memories...

And of course, GoT finale is here! Watched the first episode with a lot of gusto. If you haven't figured out what I'm talking about, I can only feel sorry about your lack of connect with reality and trends. Game of Thrones, one of the top shows of all time, which 2 years ago meant nothing to me, but one look and I was floored. You must watch, if you haven't. You're missing something. And there's no pride in claomicl "I haven't watched one episode of GoT". Coz we are all on the same side, we're all breathing! 

I did some reading too, yay! Sidney Sheldon's The Silent Widow followed by The Naturalist now. Bring it on! Plus movies: Avengers, Dumbo, RAW... A balanced life beckons.

Seen so much of love around me, and a fair amount of unpleasantness too, but with more wisdom and patience than before. Hopefully it will only get better....

Until we meet again!

Lots of love and best wishes
Anuja

2019 - The Last Teen This Century

Hello Folks, Happy New Year!

Santa did not get me any gifts but guess who did... My Little Big Man. He just doesn't stop surprising me. The incredible angel. All of 4 years. Gave away his precious purse of coins to buy me a brand new two wheeler because my current (or last) one was 12 years old and not in the best of looks and performance. "Main aapko new Scooty dilaunga" he says, "and helmet bhi" - and he did not even think twice, bat an eyelid or hesitate as he handed over his complete collection of coins to me, every one of them. My heart went out to him and I marveled at his generosity. I'm blessed, and I often forget it. He is truly an angel sent from up above with a heart of gold.

My Uncle gifted me a black Scooty Pep + under his name on his birthday, December 9, 2016. 
My 4 year old son got me a shiny blue Scooty Pep + on December 31, 2018.   

The adults in my life offered and asked me to change my ancient bike, but words are just words, right? All the while that I spent trying to help others and fix their lives and problems, nobody worried even once about getting me something that was so integral to my own life. I have chosen not to drive, but nothing stopped my spouse and father from buying me a scooter, and yet they did not and my son did. The fact that he did not have enough money does not even count, because his intent and determination were greater than those of the responsible men in my family. I am not disappointed in anyone, but I am certainly hurt - don't people who are grateful and responsible deserve to be cared and gifted? Or does only the crying child get the milk?

Some motivation to grow up and take charge of your life... !

As I get older and wiser, I realize my temper and tongue are still aflame. I see things happening around me, things that are unfair, that are not good, but they happen anyway. Goodness is not always rewarded, and good people suffer at the cost of the bad ones. And yet, you continue to be good, coz that is who you are. I cannot say I am the perfect model for my son, but I do try to teach him well and he is a great kid. So worthy in fact, that I get to learn from him. He wins skating competitions and running races in school, but he wins hearts everywhere with his intelligence and kindness. God bless him, and I hope he doesn't get his heart broken by unworthy uncaring pricks that abound in the universe.  
 
And a thought as I close today:
Happiness is not something someone else can give you or visualize for you, you have to find it yourself, within yourself, create it for yourself.    

All the best in the pursuit of happiness this 2019.  
 
Cheerio!
Anuja

My Big Little Man

Happy Diwali, folks! (belated, sorry)

Exactly a month since I last wrote - caught in a whirlwind of activity, juggling work and home, festivals and routine. Aarush turned 4 last week, and I'm 1.5 months old in terms of NT age. Cheers to us!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - days don't pass, but years fly. I feel it when I see my son every single day. We don't think we're growing old, or our parents are getting older, but changes in kids are just so much more noticeable and adorable. From the gurgles to now complete sentences, superior Hindi and English vocabulary usage, arguments and comebacks - Aarush is a conversationalist's delight. And sometimes a bother, coz he's a chatterbox with no mute/stop button! He even sings to himself during solitary play or does running commentary and if I don't hear anything, I need to pop into his room and check if everything's okay and I generally find him asleep. Ha ha. 

The funniest words he's used recently are "Saba-naba Kich-di" instead of "Sabudana Khichadi" (= a sago delicacy frequently consumed during fasts, but also preferred otherwise). Oh he can very well enunciate "Sabudana Khichadi" but he insists that his teacher calls it "Sabanaba Kichdi" that's what it is, thank you very much. 

His favorite color is orange since birth, he loves shopping, especially for his car collection, and he is very clear about what he wants and doesn't. He does not like being touched, but he is obedient and inquisitive. You may call him shy the first time you see him, oh boy, wait till he is a little comfortable and you'll be enthralled by his energy and wit. "Your kid is not coming" - he said to a neighbor once, and "You don't care for your mother" - he told me when I chose to cross the road with him than his granny. Smart Alec.

Sonny boy made me immensely proud when he scored almost cent per cent marks in his school tests. Honestly, I would not mind much even if he got half as much. After all, I was a 90+%er all through school, and I don't think it matters at all now. Add to that, he joined the new school 3 months late, so my expectations were pretty low. Fortunately or unfortunately, he has set the bar high now, and I'm going to try and not let that color my future expectations from him! But he's a wiz, that chap - Hindi, English, coloring, writing, logic, sports, memory - you name it! Hurray.   

His EQ (emotional intelligence) is staggering, in my opinion. He's wiser beyond his years, more sensible and perceptive than most adults. (Could this be because he has immature, impulsive and aggressive parents, I wonder?)

He mediates fights, asks questions, seeks to understand, puts his point across, all very gently and honestly. He very expressive and sensitive as well, and I both, admire and fear this. Admire because he's such a beautiful human to be around, and fear because emotions bring more pain than joy in the world we live in. He is hurt when some kid refuses to play with him or doesn't do "dosti / batti". He is elated when someone else is happy, and he knows how to share and care. His demeanor with his little cousin and friends is marvelous and it almost nudges me to give him a sibling of his own, but no sirree - too high a price to pay for his companionship! I'm one and done. LOL. Got my own life, sanity and aspirations (and finances!) to consider, so no. At least not until circumstances change.


Circumstances.... all well, but nothing great. BAU (business as usual) but nothing that fires up the soul. Mild depression? Maybe. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and then there are days when I don't want to get up from the bed. I worry about my weight, and binge on junk. Life is on track, no REAL trouble, per se. Got the resources, lack the will. Have responsibilities, but no dreams. I do shopping for others, I pursue others goals and problems as my own. Passions of the past have vanished, I feel more like the side cast of the story supporting the lead characters than actually the hero of mine. I don't know if that is good or bad, but it sure feels like I'm whiling away my time without making my time and abilities count. Matter of time, I hope. Until then, it is Facebook and Instagram checking, Bingo showdown craze, Splitsvilla and Koffee with Karan reruns, and some Netflix now and then. Oh, and when I can summon the perseverance and patience, it is to read Perfect Love by Shubha Vilas and conclude The Curse of Bramha by Jagmohan Bhanver. Writing (book or blog) is (as you can see) right at the bottom of the list. Why repeat and harp on what you've said 100 times before? Right? 

Went to get my eyes checked - and here's the news... I've got glasses again, thanks to my screen obsession - TV, laptop, mobile. 6 years spec-free was thrilling, and I have no regrets about my eye surgery - it was worth every penny and worth all the effort. Back to spectacles for now.

And time for us to say adios...

Have a good one, fellas. 

Cheers!
Anuja

From Up Above

Hiya,

Happy Dassera, you'all!

Writing to you from mid air right now. (Obviously will post it once my flight lands!)

All I can see are diamonds and emeralds, rubies and sapphires. Busy moving jewels and endless streams of pearls. God must be delighted watching this scene from up above, day after day. 

God has also been more than kind to me, I do realize day after day. Maybe God favors the brave, or God helps those who help themselves. Either way, I accept the compliment (made by self) very graciously and thankfully. The pieces of my puzzled life have fallen together and I have crossed the eye of the storm to reach the calm. 

My new workplace seems fantastic, and while it's too early to say, I do believe 2 weeks is a good time to understand the true culture of a company and the people within. To put it in a nutshell, they've all made me feel so special and comfortable, it's like I belong here. And that's a huge statement, given that several people (and leaders) think the universe revolves around them and everyone else is second citizen or at their mercy. 

So, as 2nd Vice President at Northern Trust, I have joined the Enterprise Learning and Development team under the HR function. We're a lean team, and there's loads of exciting stuff in the pipeline so I'm totally looking forward to all my time of learning and network building. 12 years in the training domain have equipped me with reasonable expertise and my Master's in Psychology has bestowed me with fair insight to believe that this is going to be an exciting phase in my life. Not to mention, everybody who has blessed me and stood by me through times when the going wasn't so great. Change is the only permanent, my friend! Hang in there and good times will be here soon...

So, I'm in Bangalore for 2 weeks now, chilling at the Courtyard Marriott and working out of my office next door. What I did do in the short break before I joined NT, is enjoy a quick trip to Bhutan with my mum and offspring. While it wasn't the best vacation of my life (Ladakh was more mesmerizing and being with the superactive/stubborn duo was immensely tiring), it sure added to the stamps in my passport and enhanced my awareness about Buddha, the Divine Madman, and dzongs (=monasteries) in general. What probably stands out in my memory the most, is Punakha's Phallus obsession and the story of the Bhavachakra, as well as the surprisingly fresh air and juicy fruits and vegetables in Bhutan. There were many foreigners, especially at Taktsang monastery, famous as Tiger Nest - a huge edifice miraculously perched on top of a mountain, a trek that is not advised for the faint of heart and vigor. No doubt then that my mommy trounced the journey and added yet another feather to her magic stamina at 60 hat. The bash we threw at her birthday few weeks ago could well be mistaken for her 30th, LOL. What tenacity, what beauty, and what cooking skills! She's really a wonder. May she live long and healthy.

Coming up soon is Diwali and little Aaru's birthday. My new house is all ready and set to go on rent, since we've moved to a larger and posh-er apartment closer to my new workplace. So there, all sorted. The man is well, and a better man in many ways. We've caught up on some fun date nights at Kharadi's World Trade Center party destinations, and some films like Andhadhun (more frustrating than Brij Mohan Amar Rahe and Udta Punjab) and Badhai Ho (amusing one with great acting). We've also made the most of the Amazon shopping sale and other online scams. In a bid to save 20%, we have heartily spent 90% of our savings. Ha ha. Educated idiots, the bunch of us. Slaves of technology and trends. Bah.

And that's all I've got time for as we land in Namma Bengaluru. Talk to you soon. Ciao.

Cheers!

Anuja

August Rush

Hiya!

So well, to take off from where we left last, after a lot of agonizing and wondering, speculating and criticising, I have finally made up my mind that Aaru Baby will be going to Phoenix. 

My reasons are myriad - top of the list is an unpleasant episode with the Admin head that got me biased against Kothari, as well as the fact that they do not allow eggs even in kids' lunch boxes. I mean, what the hell? Does the school have a right to interfere in the child's diet as well? Not to mention parents who do not have time to pack more elaborate meals for their kids... But the final nail in the coffin was that Phoenix is affiliated (and mentioned clearly) on the CBSE website, whereas Kothari has indirect affiliations through its sister concerns, but not for itself independently. 

A lovely apartment has been chosen as well to be our next abode - I am moving houses every few months, and I'm now a pro in packing up and moving, it seems! It's not fun really, but it doesn't appear very hard either, after having done it so often. The view and location of our new nest more than make up for the bills we're shelling out, and we hope to call it home for upwards of 2-3 years now. Time to kick up our heels and settle in. Touch wood!

This month has been pretty chilled out in terms of work as I wind up my current activities and handover to the team in prep for my exit in 2 weeks. I'm not really sure what I'll do in my break, to be honest, possibly spend time with the fam, sleep, watch endless Adam Sandler and horror movies on Netflix, catch up with buds with buds, read, eat, repeat. Jordan beckons but I'm ok for a short escapade somewhere closer, too. My just-turned-60-yet-looks-16 mother and I could set out to relive our Andaman holiday last year, with the minor in tow, obviously. You will surely hear about that, once I know...

But what I've really had on my mind for the last few days is that we focus too much on the heroes and protagonists at the cost of the side-heroes, villains and cheerleaders. I don't just mean this in the movie context, although that makes for a bright analogy - people watch and applaud the sportsman, the cheerleaders go unnoticed and unappreciated (watch "Death Note" for reference). The hero stands out in movies, but the people who make it happen remain unknown or unliked or unnoticed - this includes the villain and side roles, the makeup and costume guys, spotboys, etc. 

And where am I going with this? When you look at the success of one person, don't forget that it is always team effort - be it the mother/housewife who keeps things in order for the man to shine at work, or the backend team that makes the project manager look like a star - give credit where it is due. If your pride is your winning alone, then you're not looking hard enough. All those speeches when someone wins an award, are true - your family and your support systems must be acknowledged. Not once, or twice. But ongoing. Let your victories not go to your head. It could all collapse without the support of those that love you and vouch for you.

"Gold" - the movie that I watched most recently - a mix of Gadar and Chak De! The wife gives an idea that helps the man get a gold for the hockey team. The junior manager who could not have proved his mettle without the supportive Mr Bhatia. The star centre forwards who could not have shone had the team not worked as one unit. The message has been drilled umpteen times, and that's a great reminder, even if the film itself was not outstanding. Waiting for some fun in the form of "Stree" now... and hoping to finish "The Curse of Bramha" before then.

Adios till then! And peace to Kerala in these troubled time...

Cheers,
Anuja

Balance your Accounts

I actually wanted to come here today and talk to you about something educational and developmental - the Leadership Challenge, a book by Kouzes and Posner, and about how it gives you useful practices to become a more effective leader. 

But then, real life crises and harder challenges inundated me - something that I must share now, and something that requires the Leadership Challenge to wait for next time.

I love horror flicks, but what really got me in a frenzy were two movies : Udta Punjab and The Butterfly Effect. The films freaked me out, about how helpless and desperate some lives become, for little or no fault of theirs. Bullies and pricks mess up your sanity and innocent people suffer for the dastardly acts of monsters in human disguise. Have these creatures got no bloody conscience? 

Sorry if you have no context as I rant, and it's okay if you haven't seen these films. If you're as sensitive as me, their effect will stay on with you long after you watch them. Life suddenly becomes too real, and unbearable. Which it actually is. After all, when you read in the news that 8 men raped a pregnant goat, and young girls are paraded naked and abused, then you lose whatever little hope you have in God and humanity. Really, how did we manage to fuck up so bad? Is this where our intelligence has led us? Did God really plan all of this to turn out this way? Is this what was described eons ago as Kal-Yug? 

And apparently, we're not even halfway yet. There's still a lot more decades to go before Kalyug attains its full g(l)ory. I shudder at the thought, and I'm glad I'll be gone long before then. If the final Kalki avatar is going to set things right, then it's no mean task that we're setting out for him. Shiva's Tandav is definitely going to be welcome to end this madness.

We're evolving, they say. Industry 4.0 is here where artificial intelligence and automation will make our lives easier. We're creating robots and machines that can do things for us, giving us more time and luxury. In my opinion, all of us need to get back to constructive work, and stop fooling around. Idle mind is devil's workshop. Which is where people get ideas to loot and cheat others, abuse and wreck those that they think are lesser than us. Lesser in age, or status, or level, or other criteria that doesn't matter one bit in the long run. 

"Dharma Kshetra", one of the shows on Netflix, is a drama on how everyone in Mahabharata was summoned into Chitragupta's court to account for their actions and accusations. Everyone, right from Draupadi (episode 1) to the Pandavas and Kauravas and even Krishna, were asked uncomfortable questions to justify their intent and acts. 

Think of your life, and this trial in your final journey. When you are interrogated about what you are doing and what you've done, to yourself and to others, will you be able to explain? Would it sound acceptable and respectable? Will you be able to earn awe and empathy with your answers or will you be condemned and ridiculed? What you tell others is important, but what is more significant is what you tell yourself. You can't fool your own conscience. And that is why some of us achieve enlightenment and peace while others keep running like headless chickens, suffering and failing in life. 

Know yourself, know your purpose in life, know the means to these ends, and do what you got to do. Not coz someone is watching, but because your final accounts will be scrutinized and your final rating will be a mirror to all that you've been and done in your life, intentionally or involuntarily. Watched mutely as someone was harassed? Participated (through direct action or complete inaction) in embarrassing someone? Hurt someone with your words and deeds? Exploited someone or never acknowledged and valued those that were there for you? Lived and laughed at others' expense? Nothing will be forgotten, nothing will be forgiven. Not unless you acknowledge and repent, change yourself and be a good person, deserving of being called a human. Like the popular joke claims, a priest was sentenced to hell and a driver to heaven, because people remembered the Almighty when the driver drove, but they yawned with boredom when the priest gave sermons. 

Jokes apart, time to get less sombre. 

Something else that has been on my mind like a puzzle I'm unable to decipher, is finalizing a school for my kid. Yes, we're going to be moving (again) which calls for a change in school, daycare, home and neighborhood. My friends and family are trying to wrap their heads around our constant movement, but I take it as a test of adaptability and flexibility - a level of maturity and readiness that God desires us to attain. 

While I am quite excited about the move, the hassle of getting Aarush admitted in a good (CBSE) school with daycare facility is getting to me. I've shortlisted two options - Phoenix and Kothari, both in Kharadi, but their overall resemblance is confusing me. While Kothari has many positive reviews, I found Phoenix more spacious and airy. They're both charging a bomb to raise my child, but that's an obvious consequence of choosing to pursue a full-time career with no help at home. Once this decision is made, it will stay for at least 5-8 years, and that is why it is all the more critical that I make the right call for my bundle of joy, affection, energy, creativity, wisdom, talent and intelligence. I don't believe in burdening the child and making him grow up too soon, but I also want him set on the right track for success and satisfaction, to be a good person with the right skills and emotions enabling him to lead a happy life and be an effective, worthy individual in society. 

... And it's time to wrap up! 

Keep smiling, you.

Love,
Anuja

Paths Well Trod

She grew up - from a quiet child, bullied and bright, to a teenage girl with few friends and many fears but many more dreams.

Told all her life that she was dark and ugly, until she believed she could be smart but little else.

A rebel with conservative parents who had a hard time raising her. They set rules that she broke anyway with a sharp and silver tongue, much to their agony and helplessness.

Alcohol, modeling, boyfriends and late nights - she did it all, no matter who said what.

"It's my life", she mused and declared, throwing caution to the winds.

"I'm careful, and I know what I'm doing. I won't live a life with regrets and I am responsible for all that I do."

She worked and she studied, and she did both well.

She met the boy she knew she'd spend her life with.

And then they broke up.

Actually, she did. He was heartbroken.

She did not like breaking hearts, but she respected candor more than she valued courtesy.

Life went on. People came and went. She had her heart broken, but she made more than a few good friends on the way.

Dating. Chaos.

Marriage. More chaos.

Motherhood. Boom.

It was no fairy tale. Facebook pictures and tags lie. Motherhood drives you insane. It strips you of your personal life, and it takes away all your sleep and peace. There are moments of joy, no doubt, but they are far outweighed by a feeling of overwhelming frustration and responsibility. You never feel good enough. You always think you're doing a shoddy job. You always blame yourself, or your partner, or your family, everyone - all for the tiny tinker who dominates your life and thoughts, every single second. You can't enjoy that drink or that cuppa or a book or a show.

You don't own your life anymore. And that sucks, especially when everyone else is going their way without a hint of concern for your lacklustre, possessed life. 

And then, slowly but steadily, things fall in place. The poop prince(ss) gets toilet-trained and sleeps through the night, allowing you some time for yourself and your partner. Their endless questions throughout the day give way to independent play and school time. Homework and fees are a tiny consequence when you get to work productively in office and focus on your ambitions and bucket list.

The delight mounts when your kid starts expanding his vocabulary - "Mujhe tik ke baithna hai" (=I need some backrest) says my little man this morning as he gingerly settled down in my unwelcoming lap to drink his superhero milk. "Don't use bad words", he mentioned the other day, when I called the Ola guy "ridiculous" for cancelling my trip. He jigs to "Cutie Pie" from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil and my heart dances with him. He proudly tells me the name of all his classmates, and I try to recall if he had ever been small or was it just my imagination. He knows me so well, that I oil his hair on Saturdays and then we put a towel on the bed to prevent the liquid seeping through the covers. He knows he needs to wash up when he gets home, and that he needs to be prompt when he is called. He is confident and he is smart, and he knows it all.

I've done a good job, I think.

Raising a child is hard. Raising one with good manners and values is harder.

I get pitiful looks for keeping my child in the daycare for 6 hours while I am away at work. Ask them if they will come home and be their caretaker, and then people have other priorities.

You got to do it all. And you got to do it all well. Work, home, kids - nothing can be put on the backburner. Time is of the essence. What you avoid now, will avoid you later.

Prioritize, yes. Procrastinate, nope. No sirree. Not at all.

I got 4D's for you - Delegate, Dump, Defer or just DO it.

How high you soar, how fast you rise when you fall - that is what defines you. Not the labels others put on you.

Don't let your achievements go to your head, rein in that arrogance - you will need humility when you are knocked down by sorrow and failure.

Life doesn't have clear wins and losses, there is always a trade-off. We are all winners in different spaces at different times. The bar is different for us all. God's fair, after all. 

What you believe about yourself matters, but what matters more is where that belief takes you in life.

Problems come and crises go. Some folks stay, others walk away. Life always works out in the end.

When you're alone, don't hate your company.

When you look at the mirror - like the person who looks back at you.

I'm here if you need me. 

Stay happy!

Cheerio,
Anuja

Show me No Shows

I just gave someone my blog details, and then I realised... All I have been going these past few months/years is cribbing outside and flaking within. Gawd, the way my blog has evolved is from fun and happy-go-lucky, creative and lively to cynical and grumpy under the guise of wise and resilient. 

I earlier thought my long writing gaps and absences were my miss, but now they appear a boon; too much crabbiness for you to deal with already!

So, well, let me tell you what I've been doing these last 2 months, and what I plan to do these next few weeks...

Let's get the basics out of the way - I watched Sacred Games, all 8 episodes in Season 1, and I uncovered just how much social pressure shapes our actions. The show was good, though not extraordinary, but what struck me, was how much of a prisoner we have become to technology and entertainment. Earlier we used to wait one full week to watch the next episode of one of the handful shows on TV, but now with Netflix, Amazon Prime, SonyLiv, Voot, Hotstar and what not, we sit down like mindless zombies and keep watching episode after episode on loop, totally out of control of our brains, and utterly manipulated by the entertainment providers. Just how useful are these shows anyway? Do they teach us anything new, anything worth knowing, something to not be missed? 

No. All they do is give us meat to talk about to our peers who are senseless zombies like us, and ways to engage our mind and divert it from other, more ambitious, constructive actions. Real hobbies are dead today, because all we mention in our CVs and online portals under the hobby section is watch TV and listen to music. I used to write poetry and stories on my blog; these last few years - all I have done is write reviews of shows and movies and (very rarely) books. Damn! Just where did I go wrong... I thought I was a sensible lass, what crass!

The person who reminds me I am better off, is my husband, whose aim in life seems to watch all videos under the sun, useful or otherwise. The only person in my life who truly seems to have a balance of live versus unreal is my son - he is the one who enjoys conversations, likes to be outdoors and connect with the real world. He does like an occasional cartoon or two, but he's far superior to us adults when he says, "Enough now, let's play together". Child, indeed, is the father of man. Thank you, little Aaru, for teaching me this crucial lesson. 

We look for validation in all that we do. Am I watching the latest shows? What am I missing out on? What is everyone around me doing? How badly will I suffer if I am left out? 

We have lost our souls and our individualities. Me, no exception. I loved Game of Thrones after initially shunning it, until I could bear it no longer. I am eager to watch the ultimate season next year. I love Roadies that I religiously follow every week on Voot, and Splitsvilla, all thanks to my hero, Rannvijay Singha. I also have an inclination towards horror and comedy on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Koffee with Karan and BFF with Jeep was also interesting. 

I was drawn to this easy channel of entertainment, an obsession that kept me away from intelligent pursuits like reading, writing and doing something more tangible. I said work and the kid exhausted me, so I sunk into the sofa with my mobile phone and spent hours online, disconnected from real life, real people and my real self. I had no time for praying and meditation or exercise. But I was always available online. WhatsApp and Facebook made me more distant from those that sat right next to me. I left WhatsApp groups that were not relevant or useful, which made me watch dumb videos and memes, and shared endless Good Morning and mindless banter. I unfriended/unfollowed folks that I did not resonate with anymore. I make it a point to keep my phone away when I am with people, and I try not to look at it, until absolutely essential. I spend time on LinkedIn and news sites, and I have disabled all notifications from time-wasting apps. 

I am guilty, consider me reformed. 

Drawing a line is critical, to know when to stop and where to focus. It does not mean that you have to completely end something, but you need to know what is urgent and important, if you want to live life the best possible way. You decide your priorities, but your achievements determine your life. Be a fool and a slave to the wrong things, and that's all you'll ever be good for. Crap. A wasted life. Nothing to write home about, and a feeling of worthlessness long after the ship has sailed and others have moved on to greener pastures and better lives.

I hope the right people read this, I hope this post touches at least one, at least some of you. It will be my personal victory if you get on board with me in this struggle that appears flimsy, but will be a turning point in the long run. Evaluate your time, your life, your decisions. Anything that you should not be doing, quit. Something that has been on your bucket list forever, do it now. Clothes that you haven't worn and stuff you haven't used in the last 6 months, throw it - you will never use it again. Trust me. You won't miss it. For all you know, you don't even know when and where you misplaced it. Friends that you haven't met in ages - well, either you are not friends anymore, or you need to take the time to rebuild that relationship which you have taken for granted and cast away to the dogs.

I had only been thinking of blogging for some days. 

I did it today. I'll procrastinate later, I said. 

Get up, get a life. Get your life back. 

Lofty words. I know. But easy to do, no? 

Rephrase: 
Instead of "I don't have time"
Say - "You/This is not a priority"

Instead of "rejected"
Say - "redirected"

Your life will change. Don't mess up the big things for the small stuff. 

No regrets; that's what your epitaph should say.

I'm here if you need me. 

Cheers!
Anuja    

Just Settle

Hi Fellas,

So I told you last time about how teens act grown up and say the (over)smartest of things? Well, now I met some 20 year olds that say their hearts are broken and that they feel old. Don't know what that makes me... 

I sure think our parents and their fathers have younger spirits than we do. They were resilient, patient and determined. Now we are all spoilt brats with grandiose ideas about how things should be, a privileged lot that cannot take failure and delay in good spirit. 

God bless us all with wisdom and peace.

I've got my hands full and my head overflowing with certain things on the personal and professional front. What frustrates me on both sides is that people are insecure, selfish and encourage mediocrity. People who work hard and believe in fairness (me!) are living in an Utopian world and just grilling themselves for no reason. The cat that gets the milk is the crying baby who won't do anything apart from complaining and licking a$$ 

So, well, what do we do? We can't do what they do, and we can't give up, so we keep shuffling, hoping our efforts will get recognized and rewarded, that karma will deal out the best consequences for each one of us. You get what you deserve. Always. But each time you expect, you will be disappointed. 99% of the times. 

Sometimes you just got to settle, you know. Sometimes you just got to stop looking. Like marriage. You assign yourself for life to this one person, for better and better-er. Similarly, your situation - whether it rocks or sucks (well, fix it then!) Or a job... Accept or change. But really, don't crib. Won't help. Doesn't resolve anything. Only makes life hard for you and harder for those around you.   

I'm watching a lot of Netflix these days, the hubby got a new subscription obviously. But it's mostly animated and kid movies coz the kid dominates TV time. Unless we're playing Tekken on the PlayStation, which all of us enjoy. Reading has taken a backseat to such a pathetic extent that I can't even recall which novel I last held. Probably the Geeta one, which I'm yet to complete. Nor have I made progress on my book writing dream. Stuck with the challenges of daily life, and too busy to actually make a constructive effort. Pushing my goals ahead, and procrastinating, horribly in pursuit of money like that creature in Ice Age who chases a nut. I'm a nut myself. I'm going nuts. Three cheers.

No seriously, I am going nuts. 

So well, I watched Avengers recently - the Infinity War one, and it was pretty interesting. I found myself actually agreeing with Thanos. Very controversial, I know. So won't talk about it now. Maybe when the sequel comes. 

Deadpool was horrid though. Silly comedy. No more DP for moi. 

Until then...

Cheerio!
Anuja  

Shame and Scandal

Hi Folks,

For the first time ever, I attended a live comedy show, Pune Comedy Festival 3.0, and it was a memorable experience. 

While Kunal Kamra stole the show with his political witticisms, Biswa Kalyan Rath - hubby's favorite - was pretty amusing, too. His style is crude and therefore funny, and obviously abuses make up the crux of the content for all comedians out there. There were some others like Abish Mathew (more hype than meat) and Jeeveshu Ahluwalia (more childhood stories than gags). Daniel Fernandes and a couple of newbies were part of the performing clan, and it was an evening well spent. 

The venue was huge - Royal Palms on Koregaon Park road, but the washrooms were terrible, and I'm never going back again on that count. You charge a bomb for tickets, you extort more money for food and refreshments, then the least you can do as organising committee and event venue is to have better toilets. Those mobile, plastic closets with no lights inside, placed in dingy corners do NOT qualify as safe or usable. Shame.

( Don't know Game of Thrones? Watch all seasons now before the finale next year! Winter is Coming ... )

There's this park I used to frequent in my previous residential area, and there's this young love that I enjoyed watching bloom. 

Now I understand that what appears a matter of life and death (literally!) at that age, appears so amusing and silly to you when you grow up to middle age.

( Yes, I am middle-aged and I know it. The greys don't excite me, but the thought that I am wiser and non-materialistic has its thrill. )

So, this boy and girl, both in their mid teens, meet up (almost) everyday in the park, and while their friends go doing their games and banter, this pair sits under the tree discussing sombre stuff or announces their romance discreetly in Romeo-Juliet style, balcony et al.    


That the boy is lovestruck is evident in the way he tries to play it cool and suave, macho yet courteous, but his bulk doesn't entirely give him the superhero, world savior look. The girl couldn't care less about that coz she is hopelessly impressed with his style, and her simplicity and spontaneity, accompanied with a little shyness, do little to conceal her emotions. They're a feast to the senses, the way they talk a tad too casually like they don't care, yet switch in a second to become overly concerned, how they flirt without flirting, and care without wanting to show it openly. If you've been in love, you'll know what that means.     
So, while Aarush is frolicking in the sand, I walk away so that I don't lose my calm with all the specks flying around and getting in his hair and clothes, and that is when I overhear these love birds, talking about how seriously one takes life, or how busy one is with studies, and generally, the one is the girl, and the guy dishes out wisdom in truckloads. The girl watches him with stars in her eyes, and he talks like he's Bill Gates reincarnated. 

Now don't go judging me, coz I really do not intend to pry, but the chap does speak too loudly, and the park is only so big that I end up covering the circumference in 5 minutes or less. 

The other day he started off his rant with "Yaar main itna depress ho jata hu, tum log itna jaldi kyu shadi karte ho?"

( = "I'm depressed, why do you guys wed so soon?" )

I was deeply concerned about a couple of things here. 

What do these kids know about depression? Has the word lost importance since I last knew it? Did he not mean "sad" or "upset", instead choosing to substitute it with such a terrifying state of mind and existence?

Why are they talking about marriage now? Is the girl getting married already? Were they talking about someone else? Are they planning something? Will their action retain their safety, physically and emotionally? 
   
Needless to say, my questions remain unanswered, and the duo are on my mind. 

But here's a confession. I was depressed to a fair degree in 2015-2016. Post partum depression could be a possibility, but I realise it only now, and I was a mess back then. I was also going through a personal crisis at that time, and life seemed lost. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't sleepy, or I slept in bursts. I was a wreck, either crying or shouting, losing my cool with everyone and everything. I was a ticking time bomb, and my parents and a few friends were my rock. They took my trash behavior and stood by me. I did not know how it felt to smile, and having a little child dependent on me made my life harder. 

Time doesn't stand still, fortunately, situations changed, and when I look back now, I am just so glad that it's over. It seemed like forever. 

Dealing with depression is hard, dealing with someone who is depressed is harder. You can't do anything right with them, and you don't know what is the right thing to do anyway. You don't know when and if things will change, what will make them change, and they're as predictable as a parrot (meaning not predictable at all).

So thankful that people are now aware that mental illness is just as normal as physical disease, and that there is nothing to be ashamed about. Most of the things that are cited as vices of the current generation actually existed in all societies earlier too, just that people did not seek help nor talk about it. Divorces don't happen more in our time coz we don't know how to maintain relationships, they happen because we don't believe in being sad forever. Abuse isn't a curse of the 21st century. It happened earlier also, but people did not have the guts to take action. Our older generations believe we are doomed, the truth is we are more accountable and strong than they ever were. We speak our mind, and we do what we believe in. If that is called disrespect, so be it. At least we don't repent for someone else's mistake later or stay dependent on someone for life. 

Follow your heart, follow your head. Follow what you believe in, and what you can stand up for. No matter who's on the other side. 

People will come around. Or they won't. 

It doesn't matter. What matters is that at the end, you'll feel like you lived your life your way. Mistakes, achievements, joys and sorrows and everything in between.

But what's absolutely gruesome right now is the rape culture and scandals that have come to the fore. Due to Unnao / Kathua / Asifa, The entire country has finally woken up to the fact that our womenfolk are not safe. Not by religion, not by age, not by clothes, class or behaviors - everyone is at risk for rape by our uncontrolled men and their vile desires. It pains me to see this situation and unfortunately, the most that people can do is voice their opinion on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, talk or blog about it, sign change.org petitions and then go back to their life and routines. Kalyug is going from bad to worse, and I'm worried. 

What am I doing about it? Raising a son with the right values and respect for others, be it young or old, male or female. But I also bear the brunt of statements like "You're still your dad's daughter, not a woman yet" and "you and your feminism" (if I so much as question why rules are different for men and women). Yes sirree, men in our country need a royal washing down, coz no matter how much they pretend to respect women, the reality is 99% of them still don't think us equal, or consider it a favor and applaud their generosity and open-mindedness. 

It's not called open minded when the thought crosses your mind, dickheads. 

Shame. On the men themselves, and the families that raise them. 

And yet we shall survive... and voice our opinion...till we can.

- Princess