Letter in a Bottle
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life.
I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there you'll be.
... There you'll be by Faith Hill
How are you?
How’s your work going? Are you still enjoying it like you did when we were on talking terms?
You took to your job like fish to water. It made me enormously happy to see you so proud of your company. And merrier still when you were appreciated for your excellent work and dedication. Did you know that? I had a feeling you thought I was unhappy about every joy of yours…
That’s not true.
At least not entirely.
I ought to divulge I was a little envious about your being passionately involved and wildly enthusiastic about things unrelated to me. Would you call it illogically selfish? I’m sorry. But I’m just too possessive about you. (Note: I still write I AM, and not I WAS.) I can’t share your loving me with your liking even inanimate bikes and food.
Yeah, I know I’m crazy… Have always been… At any rate, about things and people dear to me.
How’s your health? Are you still battling with your usual bouts of fever and cold? Your dependence on some extremely strong antibiotics caused me concern, and I still don’t like your family Doc (but I still smirk when I recall his comical, dirty name!) I hope you’re well and the seasons are not creating mayhem in your life and schedule. Makes me feel very inadequate and helpless...
You know what’s funny?
I always felt like I was your mom. You had childlike needs and desired instant gratification, be it for cold water after roaming in the sweltering heat, or for something to eat immediately after you meet me, even before you greet me! I tried to take care of all your needs and anticipate them sooner than you voiced them. I know I fell short on some occasions (unintentionally and intentionally), and I also complained when I felt that I wanted an able partner who consistently considered my feelings a bigger priority than his recurring, personal needs. Happens to the best of us, right? I hope you don’t grudge me that, I wish you’d empathize… I know you tried often, but both of us are bound by our upbringing, attitude, expectations, belief system and personality…
Though not my friend, philosopher, guide, you were always a merry companion. We were alike and dissimilar in more ways than one. We shared so much in common - a liking of all things fine and exciting. True, your gusto far surpassed mine, and actually made me more cautious. I know my prudence caused you frustration, guilt and disappointment, but we can’t both be reckless kids on a picnic in the jungle!
You respected my maturity, I am aware of that. And I forgive you for acting like a baby more than as an adult. Quite a few of our laughs have come from your acting like a small child - your smile, your stubbornness (that was as annoying as endearing), and your uncontrollable reservoir of affectionate, sizzling romance…
You know there’s no one like you. Never shall be. But I doubt if you are cognizant of that fact or believe it. No issues either way. I was enchanted by your mirthful laughter. I still dream of it sometimes. Even when I let you go I didn’t really let go of you. Something still connects us, I know you remember me often. I somehow know you miss being with me. Would you trust me if I said I miss you too? You’d take it with a sack of salt… But you know it… inside you, you know this to be real.
I enjoyed a million movies, coffees and songs with you. Our tempers clashed throughout the time we were together, yet we stuck through it. You were more modest when it came to apologizing and making up, and definitely more effective in keeping us together than I ever was. I thank you for your commitment, and your need to be with me. But I somehow cannot forgive the thousand ways you hurt me - by walking out on me in parties, by threatening me, by saying mean things for no reason. It crossed my limits of self-respect and tolerance, I couldn’t take it any more…
Even then my heart aches to hold you, even though I know I can call you back, I don’t think I want to do that. Too much agony for us both... I know I come across as needy, but I really don't understand the concept of "space" in an intimate relationship. Forgive me for that.
Life has taught me that I cannot control what people think about me. And I’m sure not one to seek approval. I know what I think, feel and desire. I know what I am, and that’s about it.
Hey, tell me something… Did you think I’d forgotten you?
Did you think it was possible?
Well, let it be known that not one day passes without my thinking of you...
Of course I liked you a lot less since the time you were possessed by that other fellow. Unpleasant young man he was. I just couldn’t relax with him around. I tried, but I didn’t succeed. Is he still there? Can’t even write to you for fear of his reading what I wanna say to you and misinterpreting things and returning to haunt me again. My my, the way he’s raked up trouble for me. It’s a wonder you allow him to hang around you despite what he’s done and what you feel for me. But I guess we all have some weaknesses that we are conscious of but can’t rid ourselves of. I don’t blame you. But I do miss you and our good times together. There could’ve been so many more …
Hows your preparation for your exam coming along? Dude, you gotta pass this time... HIGH TIME... And what about your accommodation arrangements? Do you plan to move into a new flat or PG or what?
Your concerns still bother me... Whew... Stupid of me, na? I know you're grown-up and you can take care of yourself. You did it before you met me, and you shall continue to do it irrespective of whether I'm there or not... But you know, once a mom, always a mom... Sorry for the enormous interference and questions i posed in your life... Just my care for you, nothing else...
Oh, and I pray you get your Avenger soon :-) And with that, a sexy chic to sit pillion and hold you tight, not crib whatever happens, accept you as you are, keep you happy and content... and make you forget me and our memories...
Give my love to your parents, sister and niece. I often think of them, too.
I wish you much joy and success. I know your life is a lot easier without me and my complaints/expectations, but I want you to know that nothing I did was spiteful or selfish.
And hey, another thing… Please don’t reply.
(Even now, and for forever)
P.S. : Always meant to share this with you, can't recollect if I did. There's this beautiful music album called "Have I Told You Lately", and the first 10 songs make me miss you terribly. Here's the list http://www.123musiq.com/Have%20I%20told%20u%20lately.htm . If you ever have the time and inclination... I know you've always been the one who suggests songs and artists to me, but maybe this once, you'll appreciate my choice and taste in music... And obviously you know it's going to be morose and mushy, yet... Take care :)