Heart to heart, in the age of social distancing

So, the COVID count in India is now over 1.50 lacs, and with the restrictions eased, it's definitely not coming down anytime soon. I hope all of you and your loved ones are staying safe and sane.

The hospitality and travel industry are ruined indefinitely, and inviestments have dipped, despite the relief package announced by the government. Quite sad to see NaMo not taking more effective measures, and absolutely appalling the way Nirmala Sitharaman is behaving. People dying and losing jobs seems to be nobody's concern, and that in itself is a huge cause for concern for humanity. I've heard people are struggling with mental issues right from isolation to depression and domestic violence. It's indeed a punishment for all our collective sins, and there's no going back to the old ways of living once this ends. We've got to figure out a better way to survive and thrive, as human beings, not just selfish and scheming machines, winning and hoarding at the cost of others' lives and dreams.

I see people seeking help on LinkedIn for jobs, and I myself have tried to support people as much as I possibly can in any way. Be it through charity or job referrals or just a conversation to coach, rejuvenate and motivate - the ways in which we can help each other and numerous. We should consider ourselves blessed to be able to assist somebody else, because this is certainly not the time to engage in anything competitive, destructive or negative.

Don't burn out, whether it is during your house chores, or while working from home for office. Take a break, do something you love and spend time with family. Count your blessings and do your bit towards those that are not as fortunate. As so many people have said, this is not a normal time, and tiny things can become daunting. Accept yourself and others with grace, we're each reacting to the situation differently and we're all justified in our experience and emotions. Life is hard, but we've got to do the best we can, and keep doing better every day. I see posts on Instagram and Facebook where moms are outdoing each other and others are just managing to stay alive and sane. I see some enterprising folks cooking like Michelin chefs and others burning meals. I watch people curse religions and politicians, and I see people engaging in random challenges and tags. Coping techniques vary, but being positive and sensitive should be the watch words.

There are days I feel grateful for all that I have, and I have a lot. But there are also days where I feel miserable like I've achieved nothing. I compare myself to others better or worse than me, and I am left with misery, either for myself or someone else. I know there are many people who feel negatively about me, and I see their response (or the lack of thereof) that reveals their hatred or jealousy or apathy towards me. I know I feel angry about certain things and some folks, but I try to be a better person each day. I fail but I try again. How about you?

Stay safe, all, and stay human!

Cheerio
Anuja

Balance your Accounts

I actually wanted to come here today and talk to you about something educational and developmental - the Leadership Challenge, a book by Kouzes and Posner, and about how it gives you useful practices to become a more effective leader. 

But then, real life crises and harder challenges inundated me - something that I must share now, and something that requires the Leadership Challenge to wait for next time.

I love horror flicks, but what really got me in a frenzy were two movies : Udta Punjab and The Butterfly Effect. The films freaked me out, about how helpless and desperate some lives become, for little or no fault of theirs. Bullies and pricks mess up your sanity and innocent people suffer for the dastardly acts of monsters in human disguise. Have these creatures got no bloody conscience? 

Sorry if you have no context as I rant, and it's okay if you haven't seen these films. If you're as sensitive as me, their effect will stay on with you long after you watch them. Life suddenly becomes too real, and unbearable. Which it actually is. After all, when you read in the news that 8 men raped a pregnant goat, and young girls are paraded naked and abused, then you lose whatever little hope you have in God and humanity. Really, how did we manage to fuck up so bad? Is this where our intelligence has led us? Did God really plan all of this to turn out this way? Is this what was described eons ago as Kal-Yug? 

And apparently, we're not even halfway yet. There's still a lot more decades to go before Kalyug attains its full g(l)ory. I shudder at the thought, and I'm glad I'll be gone long before then. If the final Kalki avatar is going to set things right, then it's no mean task that we're setting out for him. Shiva's Tandav is definitely going to be welcome to end this madness.

We're evolving, they say. Industry 4.0 is here where artificial intelligence and automation will make our lives easier. We're creating robots and machines that can do things for us, giving us more time and luxury. In my opinion, all of us need to get back to constructive work, and stop fooling around. Idle mind is devil's workshop. Which is where people get ideas to loot and cheat others, abuse and wreck those that they think are lesser than us. Lesser in age, or status, or level, or other criteria that doesn't matter one bit in the long run. 

"Dharma Kshetra", one of the shows on Netflix, is a drama on how everyone in Mahabharata was summoned into Chitragupta's court to account for their actions and accusations. Everyone, right from Draupadi (episode 1) to the Pandavas and Kauravas and even Krishna, were asked uncomfortable questions to justify their intent and acts. 

Think of your life, and this trial in your final journey. When you are interrogated about what you are doing and what you've done, to yourself and to others, will you be able to explain? Would it sound acceptable and respectable? Will you be able to earn awe and empathy with your answers or will you be condemned and ridiculed? What you tell others is important, but what is more significant is what you tell yourself. You can't fool your own conscience. And that is why some of us achieve enlightenment and peace while others keep running like headless chickens, suffering and failing in life. 

Know yourself, know your purpose in life, know the means to these ends, and do what you got to do. Not coz someone is watching, but because your final accounts will be scrutinized and your final rating will be a mirror to all that you've been and done in your life, intentionally or involuntarily. Watched mutely as someone was harassed? Participated (through direct action or complete inaction) in embarrassing someone? Hurt someone with your words and deeds? Exploited someone or never acknowledged and valued those that were there for you? Lived and laughed at others' expense? Nothing will be forgotten, nothing will be forgiven. Not unless you acknowledge and repent, change yourself and be a good person, deserving of being called a human. Like the popular joke claims, a priest was sentenced to hell and a driver to heaven, because people remembered the Almighty when the driver drove, but they yawned with boredom when the priest gave sermons. 

Jokes apart, time to get less sombre. 

Something else that has been on my mind like a puzzle I'm unable to decipher, is finalizing a school for my kid. Yes, we're going to be moving (again) which calls for a change in school, daycare, home and neighborhood. My friends and family are trying to wrap their heads around our constant movement, but I take it as a test of adaptability and flexibility - a level of maturity and readiness that God desires us to attain. 

While I am quite excited about the move, the hassle of getting Aarush admitted in a good (CBSE) school with daycare facility is getting to me. I've shortlisted two options - Phoenix and Kothari, both in Kharadi, but their overall resemblance is confusing me. While Kothari has many positive reviews, I found Phoenix more spacious and airy. They're both charging a bomb to raise my child, but that's an obvious consequence of choosing to pursue a full-time career with no help at home. Once this decision is made, it will stay for at least 5-8 years, and that is why it is all the more critical that I make the right call for my bundle of joy, affection, energy, creativity, wisdom, talent and intelligence. I don't believe in burdening the child and making him grow up too soon, but I also want him set on the right track for success and satisfaction, to be a good person with the right skills and emotions enabling him to lead a happy life and be an effective, worthy individual in society. 

... And it's time to wrap up! 

Keep smiling, you.

Love,
Anuja

Pause, Make it Large

I've been ambushed by wisdom in a bid to propel me towards positivity and peace.

Maybe God decided that he had to take things in his own hands, since I was not taking the hint from you'all regarding how dank and low I was sounding.

One lasting truth, that it's all temporary. Friendships, love, sorrow and loss. Come a bright new day, there will be new reasons to live and smile. No matter how much you weep into your pillow at night (or on a companion's shoulder if you're lucky), you will wake up the next morning with a flush of energy and a reason to go on. All you need to do, is remain in the present. Yesterday and tomorrow only bring pain and anxiety.

Isn't that why folks low in IQ tend to be happier? Coz they ruminate less. Enjoy the here and now. Quite a curse for us thinking lot, who attempt to understand the world and it's people, categorise and organise all that comes with it, before and later.

Maybe wisdom implies knowing when to switch off the thought process and just live the moment, without fear of judgement and burden of responsibility. You're doomed if you're conscientious and consider yourself answerable. The blissful lot throw caution to the winds, and give all they got to the people and situation in front of them. Prices could be paid later, but who cares?!

I thought I had my life all chalked out and ready, and I was well on my way to achieving all the milestones that resonate with a life well led and a path well tread. Turns out, everything is China ka maal, nothing comes with a warranty. You may get hitched and pop a kid all under 30, but no saying when your partner will decide he wants to be a bachelor again, leaving you behind to take care of yourself - emotionally, physically, financially - with a toddler in tow! Can't, for the life of me, imagine the trauma of single moms without family and financial support.

A belief that gives me tremendous strength is that everything is destined. Your wins, your losses, your joys and your sorrows. This can also put you down at times, coz it implies you're helpless. Yet, having tried to fight destiny, I can only say it's true and inescapable.

People who came and left, they were supposed to stay only a while, don't expect them to be there for you forever. Strangers become best friends, spouses become strangers. They were here to teach you something, to make you strong, to help you explore how good (or bad) you are capable of being. Allow them to teach you, and go. You move on, as well, to a better life with more calculated actions and consequences. Born alone, die alone, why fret over who did not (or did) stay a while? Paths cross, roads diverge, move on. You need no one to survive. Especially not baggage.

Everyone's journey is different. Some people are meant to be great, others are destined to be alone. Change what you don't like, if you cannot change it then accept it. Don't settle when something is not appropriate, don't compromise when someone is taking you for granted. You were not born to suffer for someone else's jubilation. 

Don't live up to someone else's expectations from you. Nobody will applaud you anyway. Few will stand by you, despite all odds. Don't go looking for the right one. They will come along when the time comes. If they are supposed to. And if they leave, so be it.  

Brands across the world want to sell you happiness. Buy Starbucks and feel like a queen, ride a Harley and feel like god. Buy at the mall and spend at the casino, party at the best clubs and travel to soothe your heart. It's all a ploy. Your happiness is within you. Everything else is temporary. Too often to hurt the people close to you for the sake of those that won't give you a second look once your objective in their life is met. Chill with a cuppa at home alone, or with the dog, or on the treadmill, or the kid, without bothering to look at the clock or WhatsApp.

Amitabh Bacchan often quotes his dad, and I think it is one very useful piece of advice: Life is a struggle every day, and as long as there is life, there will be struggle. Don't fight it, accept it as a challenge and emerge stronger. Also, if things go your way, good. If they don't, it's better, coz then it is going as per the Almighty's desire. 

Keep being, keep doing, keep feeling. You're stronger than you think you are.

You can deal with it all. You got no choice.

You should not cling to expectations, promises, people or situations.

Do not complain, do not demand. Just be. Accept. Not everything will go your way.

Not everything will go against you either.

Life, in the long run, is fair. You get what you deserve.

If you've done something wrong, apologize and set it right.

If something is weighing you down, say it out loud and be done with it.

If there is something that you can do, do it. For your own sake.

Coz you deserve to be happy.

Change is the only constant. And a relief. Move on.

A better life awaits, just stop looking at that darned close door.

Stop feeling like a victim. It's all meant to be. Misery. Ecstasy. Love. Conflict. Peace.

So said the Bhagavad Gita. And so many other philosophers.

Tuch aahes tujhya jivanacha shilpkar - Wamanrao Pai

Make it large!

Love,
Anuja

Search for the Elusive

All that glitters is not gold. Yet, each black cloud has a silver lining. 
Although, birds of a feather flock together, familiarity breed contempt. 

Life is full of these dichotomies. Contradictions galore. 
In life, in values, in people and in choices.

Lately, I've become more intolerant with people because I can see through their untruthfulness and I cannot stand it. While I am no Satyawaadi Harishchandra myself, I do make an honest attempt to do the right thing and tell the truth, no matter how bitter and the resulting consequences. I agree life is full of greys, but that statement applies to some situations, and not all, as conveniently exploited by those up to good. 

They say patience with family is love, and patience with others is respect. 

I find it hard to respect people who are not being genuine or generous. Those who pretend and those who are self-centred. No wonder then I am known for being the devil's advocate and calling a spade a spade at work and home. I'm liked and despised in equal measure, yet I quite like this quality where I make no bones about it. Makes me respect myself, else I'd be just like one of those lying buggers teeming out there. 

Diplomacy is a good alternative, I have heard. The unfortunate bit is most people do not understand sarcasm or tact, and go about doing what they're doing anyway, with zero regard to other folks and the impact of their actions.

The elusive gentleman and lady. Why art thou so rare?!!

Someone who is abusive at home is popular as kind and liberal by colleagues. Someone who is outwardly pleasant but vicious inside is lauded as sweet and nice. Even Rama who was the Purush-ottam (the perfect man) did injustice by Sita when he chose to be a worthy king first rather than a good husband. What did Sita get in return for all her hardship, loyalty, love and faith? She was cast away in the woods, pregnant and sorrowful. Our fates are anyday better than that godwoman, despite our intents and acts being worse.

As I learnt about Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott, so many epiphanies surfaced - that there are "mokitas" where people do not openly talk about issues, that relationships die when honest conversations stop, and that we need to approach Coaching and Confrontation very differently than we usually do. Unfortunately, our culture inhibits us from being "Fierce". Meekness is taught and valued, flattery and gossip gets you places. Good leaders and true friends are hard to find, and competence and transparency can only get you so far. People are nice to each other only for a time and purpose, and relationships are forgotten the moment the tangible outcomes wane. 

They say it takes a strong man to deal with a strong woman, and I completely agree. As I see some of my female friends and colleagues hunt for a decent match, the narrow-mindedness of most men appals us, whereas it's a relief to know about it sooner than suffer later. Is it any surprise then that most individuals either remain single all their lives, waiting for someone compatible and real, and many couples either separate or cheat? 

It's Kal-Yug. The dark age. The darkness is more real now than anytime else. My patience is weaker, endlessly subjected to all that is not authentic, capable, human. The suggestion online and offline is meditation, but that's a long, lonely road my mind is not prepared to take. Choose your battles, they say - sometimes peace is more important than being right. 

As I count my blessings, I pray for honesty - in our lives, relationships, careers and society. 

Love and Luck to all of ye,
Princess
           

Why Me?!!

I know this is a ridiculous and foolhardy question, especially when thousands are battling for their health and existence worldwide. But you tend to compare yourself with those up the ladder, and not below. Human nature, what you got is never enough and the grass is always greener on the other side...

The normal reactions of dealing with any change (as I learnt in my own Change Management class) are Shock, Anger, Resistance, Acceptance, Action and Monitor Progress. I seem to have gone through the entire cycle - but the loop keeps bringing me back to Anger after Action.

I was told by my friends and social circle that I'm a model for others, that I seem to have my act together, and I inspire others. Time for me to reveal just how fragile and vulnerable I am. Day after day. Slogging on. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Praying things work out okay and I manage to be happy. At peace. I fail. Every single (or alternate) day.

I wasn't born into an affluent family, though I did not have to make any major sacrifices or strive tremendously hard for anything. Yet, at the back of my mind, I always knew money was scarce, and I had to be careful about my future and expenses. I was bullied at school by my classmates for being dark complexioned and at home by my brother coz I was the ideal kid for my parents. My life was focused around making my family proud of me, and getting off their back as soon as possible to relieve them of duty and stress. Made me an immensely adaptive child in Transactional Analysis terms, even as I maintained my Free Child spirit. I was inwardly introvert and scared, though confident and carefree externally. I hated my childhood and could not wait to grow up.

I started doing odd jobs in college to earn pocket money, this included doing day jobs in marketing promotions and writing the odd article/poem in local newspapers to earn fame and finance support. I was excellent at academics, and ironically everything I worked hard for, I could not achieve - the scholarships in school and college, important job interviews, study abroad opportunities and relationships, whether friendly or romantic. Nothing lasted. I always felt incomplete, unaccomplished. Nothing really mattered. Nothing really gave pleasure. Not those silly parties that others boasted off, endless clubbing that makes teens feel liberated, and I did not possess the selfless streak to engage in social service and stuff.

I got married for love. I was elated that I'd finally nailed it. Made something of my life that would bring me happiness and complete me. Karma wasn't done testing me or maybe my sins were not repaid yet. I fought society and my parents to marry my spouse and his family. My husband abandoned me, sometimes for his colleagues and other times for his family. I couldn't wrap my head around it - how could somebody that was my world, be so uncaring towards me and not be concerned or responsible for how I felt and what I wanted? How could I be ignored and abused all the time? The few moments of joy that I was blessed with, made me feel it was all worth it, that the strife and conflicts were normal and happened in all relationships. That marriages survived, and spouses were meant to be for life.

Unloved. Unwanted. Fighting and demanding things. From my own husband who treated me like I did not matter. That I did not belong. I remained incomplete.

Educated and intelligent - I think I am extremely unworthy of these tags. If I was, I probably would not have to go through all that I have. I thought illiterate, helpless women in slums were abused and exploited, and made stupid decisions. I chose to have a baby when things were already fragile between me and my husband. I should have quit right then, rather than spoiling my life plus one. I knew my in laws were hopeless, manipulative creeps and I chose to bring another being under their sick influence. I got to get an award for being so dumb. I got a son, a beautiful and amazing creature, a gift from the gods to make my life worth living and loving.

I have given up trying to explain myself to anyone, but it hurts you know. It hurts to be so misunderstood and disliked for being genuine. I return kindness a 100 fold and try to be a forgiving, optimistic person. I fail on most days, like today. But I go on, hope creeps in, in one form or the other and gives me strength to survive another day.

I admire people who have been dealt the worst in life, and they still take in their stride and trudge on with a smile on their face.

Thankfully, there are some people who understand and appreciate me for who I am, but the majority cannot deal with it, and it's okay.

What is not okay is that my misery seems endless.

I know joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin, and one follows the other, neither stays forever. I'm praying that happy days arrive soon, and stay awhile, helping me gather strength for any more difficulties that lie ahead.

Coz we're all equal, and have our own troubles, and God stands by our side through thick and thin.

We shall get through this :-)

And I did! The best way to mend your mood is to do something for someone else.

After a long time, I did Tarot reading sessions for some of my acquaintances and helping them instantly raised my spirit. I can't help solve your problems, but I can help you find hope and be prepared for what lies ahead. And sometimes, that's enough.

Stay strong!

Cheers,
Anuja

End of the World

It was predicted that the world would end in 2012. 

It didn't. 

I got married that year. Probably the end of my days of peace and fulfilment.

There are so many events that spell doom for us, and we think if such and such thing happens, then my life is over. 

When I was in school, one of my umpteen teen secrets was that I couldn't for the life of me, memorize the multiplication table of 17. I was so sure that everyone else but me knew all tables by rote that it distressed me no end. Now when I look back, I barely recall having used the table in all my growing up years. But back then, it was something that appeared a major obstacle in my education, career and reputation. (Little did I know that my peers and elders did not know the math tables of 13, 14, 15 and 16 either, and anyway what are calculators for?!!) 

That's just a tiny example, one of many that would spring to your mind as well, when something seemed unsurpassable and daunting.  

Right now, as my son displays all wonders and disasters of toddlerhood, there are so many things that stand out as "can do" and "cannot do", and become benchmarks for moms who enjoy (or can't help) comparing their kids with others. I've never been one of those moms, I knew my child would cross his milestones as and when he was ready, and sooner or later, all kids are able to do everything that is required of them. (All of us grew up just fine, didn't we, no matter what our scores in school, no matter what our experiences in life.) Some of us did better than the others in certain fields, and the others are happier though they may not have done anything that seems extraordinary to the rest. I know my classmates who flunked in school while I scored near perfect marks, and now they're settled in all parts of the globe, earning probably way more than I do, and ticking off items in their wishlists and their lucky spouses' too! Life's fair, everything balances out in the long run. 

Coming out of the closet and divulging the truth about yourself to society is a fate worse than death to our earlier generations. Everything was swept under the rug, and people pretended everything was fine, just so that society did not look at them funny or criticise them. Fortunately, our generation is more honest and upfront about confessing our realities - be it our sexual orientation, marital status, career preference, life goals, etc. Our parents may not approve, but most of them do support us and allow us that blessed chance to do what our hearts say. Society, that comprises folks like our parents, thus follows suit and while they still whisper behind closed doors, stories are forgotten and new ones take their place. 

I had an inter-caste marriage, much to the agony of my family: blood as well as in-laws, for various reasons. But since many youngsters then chose partners across religions, I did not ruffle too many feathers. I thought it was the start of my happily ever after. It was cursed even before it started, and over the years, I realised that I would regret this union, though I'd skipped the regret of not having taken a chance (which is a lot more common). 

For 3 years I tried to make it work, sometimes alone, sometimes with the help of the "wonderful" (ex) husband (who objects to being mentioned on this blog, though he religiously stalks me here since I've blocked him on Facebook and WhatsApp and my real life, and threatens to sue me for defamation, for citing things that I've experienced in real. Bollocks! All he wants is to avoid paying maintenance for the kid, just like he avoided all duties and responsibilities of husband-hood and fatherhood. Which I'm okay with! Good riddance to bad shit, even at the cost of an arm and a leg.) 

My marriage was not meant to be. I should have quit many years ago, but hope and the shame of divorce kept me going. I felt that a love marriage (or any marriage, for that matter) should never end. It was a promise for life. End of a marriage, meant end of the world (yet again). 

Had I been sensible and known that I'd have to change my opinion, I'd have changed it sooner and saved a beautiful creature from being impacted. But well, this angel being there is a blessing to me as well. Plus the knowledge of how tolerant, how wicked and how loving I can be, which was an eye opener for me as well.  

Oddly, they talk about mutual consent divorce. How can divorce be mutual consent, why does it need to be? If one person lets go off the handshake, there is no handshake - it does not depend on the other person withdrawing his hand or not. Marriage needs to be mutual consent, not divorce. And divorce is not the end of the world like I thought it was. It is the end of my sacrifices and suffering, and I have come to terms with it. My dear husband probably hasn't, since he doesn't want to let me go free, though he's the one desirous of freedom and no-strings-attached-relationships.

So separation - better late than never. I'm not the only one, and I am definitely one of the luckier ones, who at least have a choice, and means, reasons and ways to survive. Better than those couples who stay together due to limitations and helplessness, and certainly better than couples who pretend to be together but are more distant than strangers. "Choosing to be miserable together than happier alone", as I read on Scoopwhoop, and exactly my condition up until last year...  

We all have our reasons. We all have our methods. We all choose to sanction some things, and we detest some others. We are all right. We are all wrong. And we all co-exist. Our perspectives change, our wisdom rises above the petty and prejudices.

And the world only ends when we stay stuck, refusing to move on. Find your miracle, be your saviour. Uncover your strengths and reveal your dreams. Nothing can hold you back, if you really want to be happy. The world only ends when you lose faith.  

The world ends. For you.

Reality? It is always alive. Never dies. Never will. No matter what. Even if you cease to exist, the world shall still go on. So don't take yourself too seriously, don't beat yourself up over your mistakes and bad decisions. It was all meant to happen. You were supposed to learn those lessons and experience that anxiety and pain, all so that you could be who you are today, better than yesterday, ready for tomorrow. 

Smile and say hello, it's a beautiful world. And it's immortal. 

(You're not . So make every day count, and enjoy each moment.) 

Cheers!
Anuja

A Decade of Blogging

Hi there, 

I've been on Blogger.com for a decade! Hurray!

That I have not written frequently enough is another tale altogether, but I am delighted that people across the globe visit, stay and return to  550+ posts on "Life..."

I cannot thank you enough, and I do hope I bring you pleasure and reflection in your good and not so good times. Blogging is catharsis to me, and a responsibility as well, especially when someone tells me that they read a post or remind me that I haven't expressed in a while. Heartfelt gratitude. You are my motivation to write, despite my long absences. To each one of you, thank you!

Albeit a cliche, life's a roller coaster, in so many ways more than one, and we meet some amazing and not so amazing people on the way. I look back at all that's happened and all that I have done in my 3 decades of life, and it's been crazy! So much learning, so much heartache, so many joys and so much to be grateful for. But I'm not going to make this a boring, philosophical post. I'm going to tell you what I've been up to this past month. 

(Yes, it's been 4 weeks. Sorry.)

To take my adrenaline rush up a notch and tick another item in the deep bucket list I got, I went to Andaman and experienced scuba diving. Remember Hrithik and Kareena in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara? That's exactly what I did, and I felt exactly as petrified as Hrithik underwater. I had a wonderful instructor, goes by the name Steve, and is from Bangalore, though he spends more than 11 months in a year on the archipelago away from civilization, blissful among the flora and fauna under the sea. He kept me alive and gave me strength as I cruised below the surface of the water, worried about my next breath, trying to enjoy the sight of fish, octopus, anemones and other creatures. It was beautiful, but I'm never doing it again! Scary as hell, even if you know swimming, which you don't need to know. Throw me off a plane a 100 times and I'll be excited, but I'm never going underwater again. You can't open your mouth to talk or scream, and that's not my idea of a great place to be! I'm a trainer after all, and I need to have full use of my mouth, no matter where I am! Only breathing through my mouth - no, not good enough. 

Apart from that, I had fun under the sun with my son on the beach amidst the sand, making castles and enjoying the waves. We're baked brown and happy for this break, which I desperately needed for my sanity and peace. I've been working and fighting some personal battles for more than a long time, and this vacation helped me rejuvenate, re-energize and renew myself. Thank god (again) for such opportunities and possibilities. 

Review of the Andaman islands - It's a gorgeous destination, just as pretty and more economical than other phoren locations which they show on TV and advertise in movies. Havelock beaches are a must visit, and we also stayed at a wonderful resort called Summer Sands at Neil island. We also visited Mangrove and Lighthouse beaches (since Elephant beach is closed almost all year). The blue, green waters and clean beaches - you can see multicoloured fish with the naked eye right at the surface of the water! Apart from multiple beaches with water sports, you got the Cellular Jail with a very painful story and an okay-ish light and sound show, some aquariums and museums in Port Blair. Food can be a problem for pure vegetarians, and the hotels though 3 and 4 star, have limited facilities owing to transport and connectivity challenges. I would definitely recommend Andaman and Nicobar to beach lovers.

Now it's back to work and life, where a difficult battle awaits since my marriage is on the rocks and my soon to be ex husband is harassing me and refusing to sign the mutual consent papers in court. I've suffered for 3 years, been in depression and taken care single-handedly of my son along with a full time job, but that suffering apparently is not enough according to my amazing spouse and he'd like to teach me a lesson. Looks like all his adultery, desertion and abandonment, physical and verbal abuse, dowry and in-law harassment doesn't qualify as adequate torture. I wanted to keep it clean despite all this and not press charges, but he is determined to not let me go "easy". All those times I cared and pampered him were insufficient, cos he wanted to go on secret holidays with his girlfriends from work, leaving the ill kid alone at home with me for days and abuse me for his failures and incompetence in every area of life. Bring  it on partner. I've got God, my parents and my son on my side. I'm sure this will end well for me and I hope it keeps you afloat, if not buried 6 feet under. Karma shall play its cards in time.

Must have come as a shock to many of you, since I always have a smile on my face and a spring in my step. But it's been hard. And now I'm ready for all that life throws my way. I know I deserve someone much better, more cultured, loving and wise. Akhilesh was my mistake - I was warned by everyone I knew. I'm paying the price for this, but my biggest regret is that Aarush has to suffer as well. Nobody can make up for a father's place in life, no matter how much love and values are provided by the mother and grandparents. Guess that's his destiny too, and it's all for the best. Being a divorced, single mom caused me much worry and panic earlier, but it's been 3 months since I've accepted it and built a new life. The heavens up above are merciful, and I know it is going to get better.    

Reading and writing, everything obviously has taken a backseat at this point in time. With so many restaurants and joints mushrooming everywhere in the city, I've had a chance to visit Urban Foundry/Terttulia in Baner (just like any other, to be honest) and Raasta Cafe (which had a better ambience and spread). Despicable Me 3 was a letdown after the first two laugh riots, and that sums up my recreational activities. I do watch Roadies Rising and Sarabhai Take 2 now and then, but my days are full of work and Aarush on loop.  

Each one of us has his/her own troubles, some more difficult than the rest. I know you will get through them, be strong. Keep the faith, like God told Joshua in the Bible. You may not see the progress, you may think nothing is happening behind those walls. But trust me, at the end of it, God will set it right. You will be happy. 

And so will I.

Lots of love,
Anuja

Listless and a Poem For Pop n Maa

I am getting old. 

Birthdays don't excite me anymore. 

Of course, I'm getting old. Crossed 30 last year. 

(Hell, that's still a lot younger than how I feel inside.)

(At least at the moment.)

When one imagines oneself, age ceases to matter and you only look at your past and future without serious consideration regarding the chronological details. 

However, my current (longstanding) circumstances and stress make me feel like a crappy, scraggy old hag who feels meh about everything and excited about (almost) nothing. 

Like the Annual Award I bagged in office for all my contributions throughout the year. Like my son's second birthday that we plan to celebrate with pomp and ceremony this November. Like watching movies, reading, travelling and book writing which have been my childhood passions and ambitions. 

I just don't have the fire.

Amazing how someone or some situation can completely suck the life out of you.

Strike that. 

It's not amazing.

It sucks.

Real bad. 

When I used to fantasize about my life, it was quite like the things people post on Facebook - all happy, hunky dory stuff which makes others (mostly) envious and (some) joyous. Ironically, my timeline of memories looks more lively than my recent updates. 

I know people say that all those FB posts are hogwash and it's just attention seeking behaviour. Well, what can I say. They succeed!

I know folks say you ought to count your blessings. I am a stupid woman who does not understand that maxim. 

I know the Gita says you should do your karma without expecting any return. I am not that pious or generous.

I feel out of place and forced to behave normal on days when I am low. Is this what's called depression? 

I am doing very well at work, this is probably the best phase of my career, but I just want to take a sabbatical. I don't want to interact with anyone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to think about the next meal or the next salary. I want to do all I can for my family. I want to make them happy. I don't care what anyone says about me. I want to fight for my rights. I want to not bother about anything or anyone.  

I used to be full of spunk and energy. I used to always have a plan and a big smile on my face. 

I am getting old. It's now a task to gather myself and do some things that excited me before.

Yes, I am reading - finished the 3 trilogy by Shobha Nihalani. Going on to The Girl with All the Gifts. Got a few more tucked into my to-read shelf. Trying to blog when I can. Came to know that Roadies X4 has begun so catching up with that. Been partying with the friends and colleagues at Bar Stock Exchange, Fly High, Cuba Libre. Watched Sultan and found it boring. Hate India and Indians for letting Salman go scott-free....

But end of the day. Duh. Listless. Lonely. Tired of it all.

But my parents... Damn! They're a different, unique breed. So energetic and enthusiastic about life though they are twice(+) my age!

Here's a little something for them. Coz they're awesome!

***

Dear Mom and Pop, Abba and Ammi,

Been a while since I wrote to you,

My anger more tangible and frequent than my affection;

My actions and thoughts receive your support,

Even when they deserve beration.

As I look back at all that you’ve done for me,

And I look forth at your unconditional love;

I realize that whatever I say or do for you,

Could hardly be enough.

The annoyance comes and goes,

As people we’re poles apart;

And yet I know that I will always,

Adore you from my heart.

So blessed to have a relation,

So profound and not sham;

Coz I thank you for being who you are,

And I applaud you for making me who I am.

 ***

“The most beautiful feeling in the world is to see your parents smiling, and knowing that you are the reason behind that smile.” I wish I could give them more reasons and less hurt.

No matter how badly I fell or failed, they have always been there to pick me up and boost my confidence. They have always treated me like a winner, and that is the reason for all my achievements in life. 

Papa, Mummy, Abba, Ammi - Thank you for always forgiving me, accepting me and encouraging me with your words and actions. Raising Aarush is teaching me how much you love me, and he is more fortunate than I am to have outstanding grandparents like you. Thank you for being the best parents and grandparents in the world. I love you.

Forever indebted,

Anuja 

***

Cheerio Guys!
Princess

Time up - 2013 !!

What’s all this mad banter about Devyani Khobragade?

If we’re only looking for a ‘feel-good’ excuse that protects our belief of self-righteousness and dignity, then we’re sadly mistaken. This issue has been blown up immensely and has zero worth in my eyes.

We’re all worried about how our Indian naari is being treated in the US despite her diplomat status. Headlines are created without using the head. Exactly how stupid is this? And how much do we respect our own countrymen anyway? We hate each other and we discriminate against each other right in our offices and streets. Why then are we so incensed about this incident abroad? Merely to make a political issue out of it?

If we really want to assert our pride and dignity, we should object to China’s repeated invasions. Then we do nothing. Yet a maid in America piques our interest. It’s so depressing. Arvind Kejriwal getting sworn in as the new CM is a news to celebrate, but everything else about India and politics is a sham.

Speaking of naari’s and shams, the 7^th season of Bigg Boss is over – one thing less to talk about at meal times! Gauahar Khan has won it, which does not come as a surprise at all. She was an independent and smart woman throughout the season, and she played it well. Kudos, woman power. A lovely article to underline this victory – Time to rejoice and break all the dhakiyanoosi  bonds of traditionalism and conservatism. Read this - well said, indeed it is a brave new world.  

Today is  the last Monday of the year – how crazy is that. 2013 is almost up, and it’s been a whirlwind of activity from all quarters – professional and personal. Completed a year and half of marriage – loads of bittersweet memories. Purchased our own apartment, holidayed in Kerala, Goa and Matheran. Quit my job at IBM and joined Hitachi Consulting – joys and sorrows galore.

I would like to believe I’ve become a better person than I was, my faith sure has increased manifold in myself as well as my family and God (not in any particular order). Life’s good. I hope 2014 will be better. I really want to get a better grip on my temper. If that works, my entire life is sorted for good…

I watched Dhoom 3 and got disappointed, just like Ram Leela bombed my hopes. Can’t imagine Aamir Khan would take up and execute something so  trashy. Dhoom 1 and 2 were so much more interesting and glam. Even Katrina fades in front of Ash (oops, saasu Jaya does not approve of her bahu Aishwarya being called thus!) All said and done, it’s been a poor year for Bollywood as far as success is determined by an intelligent script and not merely box office collections.

On that note, let’s say goodbye for this year. Have a fab new year eve and be safe! Don’t drink and drive, and aim for the best :-)

Cheerio!
Princess

Yello !!!!

Hey there fellas,

Feels like we haven’t connected in ages. Of course, my blog kept updating itself thanks to the schedule and auto-publish functions. Yet, I missed you…

What have I been up to? Well, loads really. Life hasn’t been very kind to me in the past few months (years actually, my saade saati just doesn’t seem to end). 

After all the struggle that came with finding a suitable boy and making him my groom, there remained only about a few hundred things to be sorted. That my professional life was in tatters did not help one bit, and that I felt totally lost and miserable most of the time was also equally depressing. My patience and strength were wearing thin and my faith was shaking…

Anyway, I did realise after all this trauma, that this is what is my destiny… And then my lifelong dream came true when I got this done…

Yessss… a permanent tattoo! Cool, innit? Does it pain? Hell yes. The making bit I mean. Now of course, it’s a week old and it doesn’t hurt at all. Only scratches. But at the time of getting the tattoo done, it is a lot worse than what people say. Ant bite and all that crap is horribly untrue. It pains badly. Especially when the artist holds your body part (the vibration shocked the living daylights out of me) and when the tattoo is near a bone. Tending to it is quite tedious, but well now that it is done with, I can say it is worth it :-)

I’ve been reading a lot of stuff too. Losing track actually since I am getting a whole lot of books to read and review as well as my own choice of books to read for recreation. I am so tied for time that I do not realise when time passes. I started Chanakya Chant by Ashwin Sanghi while Ravana is still incomplete. Spicy Bites of Biryani by Ashwina Garg is still waiting in the wings for its turn. So are my Readers Digests month on month. 

All this while the last book in the Shiva Trilogy by Amish is released and gracing my dining table. Sorry, my lovelies… Heartiest apologies.

I had to read A Maverick Heart : Between love and life by Ravindra Shukla, but the experience was so painful (yup, worse than my tattoo!) that I abandoned the thought (nightmare?) after 60 pages. The book is ostentatious and the editing is poor but what truly sucks is the story (or the lack of it). Sorry, Ravindra. You’re a fellow IBMer but I honestly think you ought to stick to Business Analytics and not delve into the writing territory.

I managed to download and watch a few interesting movies in the interim. Special 26 was awesome. What a super climax! Great acting too by Akshay Kumar, Anupam Kher and Manoj Bajpayee. I wanted to watch Saheb Biwi aur Gangster Returns but the film has not been that fortunate yet. Sometime soon, maybe.

Difficulties, movies, books… falling out and making up with friends… trying to deal with life and all its myriad shades and phases… It’s been a tumultuous time for me, very trying and tough… Resilience and faith got me through, and I've been fighting God and asking for his grace and mercy alternately. 

Can’t wait for it to end. Or is happiness and peace a mirage that one runs towards but never reaches?

I don’t know where I am going, but I am on my way!!

C ya later alligator :-) May the good lord be with you.

Cheerio!
Anuja

Express Daily

"If nothing fascinates you, you're not living."


She used to say that to me all the time. And I used to wonder why it was necessary for me to be wild and excited about anything; everything was o dull and mundane. Stars in her eyes did not justify calling the world gorgeous, right?



A rainbow, a puppy cuddled in the centre of the street, a flowerbud - all these silly events had her ooh-ing and aah-ing no end. 


Like the other day, she made me stop on the narrow bridge because she wanted to watch the sun setting on the horizon. I mean, a bridge, of all places? Couldn't her valuable viewing have permitted a few more seconds to ride a few more metres? We stood there like fools, she blissfully lost in the scenery, and me shamefully aware of all the hooting people and honking vehicles. When she finally allowed me to move over, I was literally in tears with anger, embarassment and irritation.


But I could not say a word to reprimand her.

A man without hope has little else, they say. But the doctors had not considered that when they stripped me of all assurances and prayers.

 

Miracles were not mine to hope for anymore.


Agatha had a congenital condition that had no cure or treatment.


After multiple visits to the hospital, the doctor told me in not so vague terms that there was no point in wasting his or my time - there was nothing anyone could do for Agatha. All I could do now was to ensure that every breath Agatha took was special.


She had few left.


Time passed, and Agatha turned 6. It was time for all kids her age to go to school. Grade 1 beckoned and Agatha was animated like never before. She wanted to learn to read and write and spell.


We had home-schooled her for the last 2 years, and though she got tired easily, her enthusiasm never dipped. I was frankly against her joining a regular school, and quoted all the reasons and excuses possible for her to give up the thought. After our fifth discussion in 3 days on the topic, she calmly said to me, "You dont want me to be away from you, and that's why you are asking me to stay home".


I hadn't admitted that to anybody aloud, not even myself, and here she was, aware of my guilty secret all along.


I could neither accept it nor deny it, so I did the next best thing. I walked away.


She followed.


"So, will you get me enrolled in school?"

"We'll see. I'll ask the doctor tomorrow."

"He said yes. I called him last evening."

WHAT??!!!

"Hmm. Guess you're old and smart enough to know what's right for you. So okay, take Grandma along and get yourself enrolled."

"Can you go with me? Granny can't speak English too well, and they interview the ward's guardians."

Someone had done her research.


"Okay"

"What time?"

She wouldn't give up...

"6 pm."

"Can we make that 5 pm? The school office shuts at 6."

"Fine."

"Thanks Papa. I love you."


And there went my resolve to be angry with her.                                              

2 years later when she passed away, I couldn't say that I was surprised one bit. Not by the timing, not by the enormous turnover at her funeral, not by even the detachment with which I handed over all her toys and possessions to the orphanage as she had firmly instructed me to.


"You don't need those things around you to remind you of me. I know you will never forget me, even if I ask you to. Besides, the children at the orphanage sure need these things more than anybody else."                         

Even now, after 8 months, when I look at the routine phenomena that Agatha would have found wondrous, a tear escapes my eye. And I don't attempt to wipe it.

That's one thing she never wanted us to do... Hide what we truly thought or felt, appreciated or wanted.


I have hidden it, time and again. For reasons kind and mean. We all have to. But I try not to.


Are YOU brave enough to express yourself? Or do you cower and follow the pack, too scared to have an independent opinion or voice?

Agatha taught me that... Do you want an Agatha in your life to leave you with that lesson??



Cheerio!

Princess

The RIGHT time

What’s with the “right” time bullshit?

I mean really… Who are you to know right from wrong? And how is one supposed to be aware of the status of Father Time if one does nothing about it and only keeps waiting?? What if life doesn’t offer you that opportunity again???

Its maddening…

“Wait for the right time”. “All in good time”. “Samay se pehle …”

Useless jazz. Perfect excuse to procrastinate. The maha mantra for lazy losers.

We sing “If tomorrow never comes” and we enjoyed “Kal Ho Na Ho”. But they are not the way we function and think. Of all the million things we have learnt to do, to prioritize right is not on the top of the list. Work takes precedence over relationships, and money becomes more essential than people. We read about stories like life is a cup of coffee and life is a mayo jar but the moment the story is appreciated and done with, you move on and live the same way that is a given…

The urgent stuff that means little is done first, and the important things that must be done soon are kept on hold for ever and ever.

The “right” time is NOW.

No other time will ever be as RIGHT as the current moment.

Got a dream, pursue it. You may not be alive to do it tomorrow.

Just like Jimmy Shergill says in Munnabhai MBBS when he is told he will not live long; he said he was too busy arranging for everything and postponed his dreams. He thought there would be time later for his personal fulfilment after “necessities” had been taken care of. Guess what, the “right” time was not bequeathed to him. He was not fortunate enough.

I know there are some things you cant put off and you must do even if you don’t wish to. Being responsible is not an easy or enviable affair.

I know I am guilty of it. I preach, and I try, but I often fail.

There are so many people who express a desire to meet me, and I cant because I get tied down to various other personal and professional commitments. There are so many times I cant do what I really want on a weekend as someone has commanded or requested us to do something that they consider critical. There are so many reasons that well up as obstacles and hindrances when I plan anything.

But the question is how long can you keep someone waiting? What if that person does not stay and leaves forever? Voluntarily or forcibly… What if you are denied the chance you were hanging on for??? Will you be able to forgive yourself then? Is the thing you gave precedence to, worth that loss???

I know you are thinking of something or someone as you read this. I am glad you are…

Atleast you have that someone or something to look out for, plan for, wish for…

And if you aren’t… Well, who am I to tell you what is right and wrong? If you haven’t met anybody that crossed your mind a few seconds ago, then nothing else matters…

The minute you ask yourself, “what is more important?”, you will have your answer. The way to go about it, you can always figure out. After all, you know best… Whether you do anything about it or not…

Right?!!

Cut the crap… go do what you must for the people that matter…

Nothing else matters but their smile. For the small things that you can do now.

Joy is not always sold at a million bucks and big cars and posh flats.

Don’t wait for the big fat laughter that you may not see 10 years later when you have “taken care” of everything else that YOU thought was more crucial.

NOW is the time.

Cheerio!
Princess