The normal reactions of dealing with any change (as I learnt in my own Change Management class) are Shock, Anger, Resistance, Acceptance, Action and Monitor Progress. I seem to have gone through the entire cycle - but the loop keeps bringing me back to Anger after Action.
I was told by my friends and social circle that I'm a model for others, that I seem to have my act together, and I inspire others. Time for me to reveal just how fragile and vulnerable I am. Day after day. Slogging on. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Praying things work out okay and I manage to be happy. At peace. I fail. Every single (or alternate) day.
I wasn't born into an affluent family, though I did not have to make any major sacrifices or strive tremendously hard for anything. Yet, at the back of my mind, I always knew money was scarce, and I had to be careful about my future and expenses. I was bullied at school by my classmates for being dark complexioned and at home by my brother coz I was the ideal kid for my parents. My life was focused around making my family proud of me, and getting off their back as soon as possible to relieve them of duty and stress. Made me an immensely adaptive child in Transactional Analysis terms, even as I maintained my Free Child spirit. I was inwardly introvert and scared, though confident and carefree externally. I hated my childhood and could not wait to grow up.
I started doing odd jobs in college to earn pocket money, this included doing day jobs in marketing promotions and writing the odd article/poem in local newspapers to earn fame and finance support. I was excellent at academics, and ironically everything I worked hard for, I could not achieve - the scholarships in school and college, important job interviews, study abroad opportunities and relationships, whether friendly or romantic. Nothing lasted. I always felt incomplete, unaccomplished. Nothing really mattered. Nothing really gave pleasure. Not those silly parties that others boasted off, endless clubbing that makes teens feel liberated, and I did not possess the selfless streak to engage in social service and stuff.
I got married for love. I was elated that I'd finally nailed it. Made something of my life that would bring me happiness and complete me. Karma wasn't done testing me or maybe my sins were not repaid yet. I fought society and my parents to marry my spouse and his family. My husband abandoned me, sometimes for his colleagues and other times for his family. I couldn't wrap my head around it - how could somebody that was my world, be so uncaring towards me and not be concerned or responsible for how I felt and what I wanted? How could I be ignored and abused all the time? The few moments of joy that I was blessed with, made me feel it was all worth it, that the strife and conflicts were normal and happened in all relationships. That marriages survived, and spouses were meant to be for life.
Unloved. Unwanted. Fighting and demanding things. From my own husband who treated me like I did not matter. That I did not belong. I remained incomplete.
Educated and intelligent - I think I am extremely unworthy of these tags. If I was, I probably would not have to go through all that I have. I thought illiterate, helpless women in slums were abused and exploited, and made stupid decisions. I chose to have a baby when things were already fragile between me and my husband. I should have quit right then, rather than spoiling my life plus one. I knew my in laws were hopeless, manipulative creeps and I chose to bring another being under their sick influence. I got to get an award for being so dumb. I got a son, a beautiful and amazing creature, a gift from the gods to make my life worth living and loving.
I have given up trying to explain myself to anyone, but it hurts you know. It hurts to be so misunderstood and disliked for being genuine. I return kindness a 100 fold and try to be a forgiving, optimistic person. I fail on most days, like today. But I go on, hope creeps in, in one form or the other and gives me strength to survive another day.
I admire people who have been dealt the worst in life, and they still take in their stride and trudge on with a smile on their face.
Thankfully, there are some people who understand and appreciate me for who I am, but the majority cannot deal with it, and it's okay.
What is not okay is that my misery seems endless.
I know joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin, and one follows the other, neither stays forever. I'm praying that happy days arrive soon, and stay awhile, helping me gather strength for any more difficulties that lie ahead.
Coz we're all equal, and have our own troubles, and God stands by our side through thick and thin.
We shall get through this :-)
And I did! The best way to mend your mood is to do something for someone else.
After a long time, I did Tarot reading sessions for some of my acquaintances and helping them instantly raised my spirit. I can't help solve your problems, but I can help you find hope and be prepared for what lies ahead. And sometimes, that's enough.