Destiny

 All she wanted was love, 

That was all he took away. 

In his wake, what he left behind, 

Was less than who she was before. 

Her drive and energy waning, 

She tried so hard to hold on. 

Hoping for a miracle, 

That never came. 

Lives around her seemed to float, 

And she watched them from up above, 

Dreamily, wondering, where had she gone wrong. 

She could walk away, she thought, 

If only these invisible chains crack. 

But her mind was strong yet soft, 

That held them in place. 

The elephant, with its leg in a rope, 

The circus driving its frame.

Move, you bad animal, 

She whispered, 

Run away.

The creature, with moist eyes, 

Blinked and stayed.

My master loves me. 

And this is my destiny. 

Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Oh to find the one you love....

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
Come rain or shine, this single soul
Makes all your hopes come true.

He keeps you warm when the nights are cold
And becomes the cool breeze in summers
He knows value lies in depth and feeling
Not in money or numbers.

It's not about those good times
Or the parties you went to,
It's about the times you cried on his shoulder
And he knew what to say or just sob along too.

He supports you when the goin gets tough
And when you're wrong as well
The only thing he doesn't do
Is leave you alone and miserable as hell.

There will be fights and there will be pain,
But what there won't be is insecurity
You will always know he's by your side
No fear of abandonment or infidelity.

You know you mean the most to him
And your word uttered can change his goal
Of all the things he can have or lose
Your forlorn face is his greatest toll.

Vacations and gifts are all appearances
Moments are what matters most
The times he put work and self behind
Are the times you cherish and boast.

He knows how to make you smile
When everything seems desolate,
Sometimes with a book, whisky, movie or chocolate
Sometimes with a sermon on fate.

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
It doesn't meant a lifetime of joy,
But you sure won't be lonely when blue.

... And I hope you find him (or her).

Cheers
Anuja

My Big Little Man

Happy Diwali, folks! (belated, sorry)

Exactly a month since I last wrote - caught in a whirlwind of activity, juggling work and home, festivals and routine. Aarush turned 4 last week, and I'm 1.5 months old in terms of NT age. Cheers to us!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - days don't pass, but years fly. I feel it when I see my son every single day. We don't think we're growing old, or our parents are getting older, but changes in kids are just so much more noticeable and adorable. From the gurgles to now complete sentences, superior Hindi and English vocabulary usage, arguments and comebacks - Aarush is a conversationalist's delight. And sometimes a bother, coz he's a chatterbox with no mute/stop button! He even sings to himself during solitary play or does running commentary and if I don't hear anything, I need to pop into his room and check if everything's okay and I generally find him asleep. Ha ha. 

The funniest words he's used recently are "Saba-naba Kich-di" instead of "Sabudana Khichadi" (= a sago delicacy frequently consumed during fasts, but also preferred otherwise). Oh he can very well enunciate "Sabudana Khichadi" but he insists that his teacher calls it "Sabanaba Kichdi" that's what it is, thank you very much. 

His favorite color is orange since birth, he loves shopping, especially for his car collection, and he is very clear about what he wants and doesn't. He does not like being touched, but he is obedient and inquisitive. You may call him shy the first time you see him, oh boy, wait till he is a little comfortable and you'll be enthralled by his energy and wit. "Your kid is not coming" - he said to a neighbor once, and "You don't care for your mother" - he told me when I chose to cross the road with him than his granny. Smart Alec.

Sonny boy made me immensely proud when he scored almost cent per cent marks in his school tests. Honestly, I would not mind much even if he got half as much. After all, I was a 90+%er all through school, and I don't think it matters at all now. Add to that, he joined the new school 3 months late, so my expectations were pretty low. Fortunately or unfortunately, he has set the bar high now, and I'm going to try and not let that color my future expectations from him! But he's a wiz, that chap - Hindi, English, coloring, writing, logic, sports, memory - you name it! Hurray.   

His EQ (emotional intelligence) is staggering, in my opinion. He's wiser beyond his years, more sensible and perceptive than most adults. (Could this be because he has immature, impulsive and aggressive parents, I wonder?)

He mediates fights, asks questions, seeks to understand, puts his point across, all very gently and honestly. He very expressive and sensitive as well, and I both, admire and fear this. Admire because he's such a beautiful human to be around, and fear because emotions bring more pain than joy in the world we live in. He is hurt when some kid refuses to play with him or doesn't do "dosti / batti". He is elated when someone else is happy, and he knows how to share and care. His demeanor with his little cousin and friends is marvelous and it almost nudges me to give him a sibling of his own, but no sirree - too high a price to pay for his companionship! I'm one and done. LOL. Got my own life, sanity and aspirations (and finances!) to consider, so no. At least not until circumstances change.


Circumstances.... all well, but nothing great. BAU (business as usual) but nothing that fires up the soul. Mild depression? Maybe. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and then there are days when I don't want to get up from the bed. I worry about my weight, and binge on junk. Life is on track, no REAL trouble, per se. Got the resources, lack the will. Have responsibilities, but no dreams. I do shopping for others, I pursue others goals and problems as my own. Passions of the past have vanished, I feel more like the side cast of the story supporting the lead characters than actually the hero of mine. I don't know if that is good or bad, but it sure feels like I'm whiling away my time without making my time and abilities count. Matter of time, I hope. Until then, it is Facebook and Instagram checking, Bingo showdown craze, Splitsvilla and Koffee with Karan reruns, and some Netflix now and then. Oh, and when I can summon the perseverance and patience, it is to read Perfect Love by Shubha Vilas and conclude The Curse of Bramha by Jagmohan Bhanver. Writing (book or blog) is (as you can see) right at the bottom of the list. Why repeat and harp on what you've said 100 times before? Right? 

Went to get my eyes checked - and here's the news... I've got glasses again, thanks to my screen obsession - TV, laptop, mobile. 6 years spec-free was thrilling, and I have no regrets about my eye surgery - it was worth every penny and worth all the effort. Back to spectacles for now.

And time for us to say adios...

Have a good one, fellas. 

Cheers!
Anuja

Paths Well Trod

She grew up - from a quiet child, bullied and bright, to a teenage girl with few friends and many fears but many more dreams.

Told all her life that she was dark and ugly, until she believed she could be smart but little else.

A rebel with conservative parents who had a hard time raising her. They set rules that she broke anyway with a sharp and silver tongue, much to their agony and helplessness.

Alcohol, modeling, boyfriends and late nights - she did it all, no matter who said what.

"It's my life", she mused and declared, throwing caution to the winds.

"I'm careful, and I know what I'm doing. I won't live a life with regrets and I am responsible for all that I do."

She worked and she studied, and she did both well.

She met the boy she knew she'd spend her life with.

And then they broke up.

Actually, she did. He was heartbroken.

She did not like breaking hearts, but she respected candor more than she valued courtesy.

Life went on. People came and went. She had her heart broken, but she made more than a few good friends on the way.

Dating. Chaos.

Marriage. More chaos.

Motherhood. Boom.

It was no fairy tale. Facebook pictures and tags lie. Motherhood drives you insane. It strips you of your personal life, and it takes away all your sleep and peace. There are moments of joy, no doubt, but they are far outweighed by a feeling of overwhelming frustration and responsibility. You never feel good enough. You always think you're doing a shoddy job. You always blame yourself, or your partner, or your family, everyone - all for the tiny tinker who dominates your life and thoughts, every single second. You can't enjoy that drink or that cuppa or a book or a show.

You don't own your life anymore. And that sucks, especially when everyone else is going their way without a hint of concern for your lacklustre, possessed life. 

And then, slowly but steadily, things fall in place. The poop prince(ss) gets toilet-trained and sleeps through the night, allowing you some time for yourself and your partner. Their endless questions throughout the day give way to independent play and school time. Homework and fees are a tiny consequence when you get to work productively in office and focus on your ambitions and bucket list.

The delight mounts when your kid starts expanding his vocabulary - "Mujhe tik ke baithna hai" (=I need some backrest) says my little man this morning as he gingerly settled down in my unwelcoming lap to drink his superhero milk. "Don't use bad words", he mentioned the other day, when I called the Ola guy "ridiculous" for cancelling my trip. He jigs to "Cutie Pie" from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil and my heart dances with him. He proudly tells me the name of all his classmates, and I try to recall if he had ever been small or was it just my imagination. He knows me so well, that I oil his hair on Saturdays and then we put a towel on the bed to prevent the liquid seeping through the covers. He knows he needs to wash up when he gets home, and that he needs to be prompt when he is called. He is confident and he is smart, and he knows it all.

I've done a good job, I think.

Raising a child is hard. Raising one with good manners and values is harder.

I get pitiful looks for keeping my child in the daycare for 6 hours while I am away at work. Ask them if they will come home and be their caretaker, and then people have other priorities.

You got to do it all. And you got to do it all well. Work, home, kids - nothing can be put on the backburner. Time is of the essence. What you avoid now, will avoid you later.

Prioritize, yes. Procrastinate, nope. No sirree. Not at all.

I got 4D's for you - Delegate, Dump, Defer or just DO it.

How high you soar, how fast you rise when you fall - that is what defines you. Not the labels others put on you.

Don't let your achievements go to your head, rein in that arrogance - you will need humility when you are knocked down by sorrow and failure.

Life doesn't have clear wins and losses, there is always a trade-off. We are all winners in different spaces at different times. The bar is different for us all. God's fair, after all. 

What you believe about yourself matters, but what matters more is where that belief takes you in life.

Problems come and crises go. Some folks stay, others walk away. Life always works out in the end.

When you're alone, don't hate your company.

When you look at the mirror - like the person who looks back at you.

I'm here if you need me. 

Stay happy!

Cheerio,
Anuja

Pause, Make it Large

I've been ambushed by wisdom in a bid to propel me towards positivity and peace.

Maybe God decided that he had to take things in his own hands, since I was not taking the hint from you'all regarding how dank and low I was sounding.

One lasting truth, that it's all temporary. Friendships, love, sorrow and loss. Come a bright new day, there will be new reasons to live and smile. No matter how much you weep into your pillow at night (or on a companion's shoulder if you're lucky), you will wake up the next morning with a flush of energy and a reason to go on. All you need to do, is remain in the present. Yesterday and tomorrow only bring pain and anxiety.

Isn't that why folks low in IQ tend to be happier? Coz they ruminate less. Enjoy the here and now. Quite a curse for us thinking lot, who attempt to understand the world and it's people, categorise and organise all that comes with it, before and later.

Maybe wisdom implies knowing when to switch off the thought process and just live the moment, without fear of judgement and burden of responsibility. You're doomed if you're conscientious and consider yourself answerable. The blissful lot throw caution to the winds, and give all they got to the people and situation in front of them. Prices could be paid later, but who cares?!

I thought I had my life all chalked out and ready, and I was well on my way to achieving all the milestones that resonate with a life well led and a path well tread. Turns out, everything is China ka maal, nothing comes with a warranty. You may get hitched and pop a kid all under 30, but no saying when your partner will decide he wants to be a bachelor again, leaving you behind to take care of yourself - emotionally, physically, financially - with a toddler in tow! Can't, for the life of me, imagine the trauma of single moms without family and financial support.

A belief that gives me tremendous strength is that everything is destined. Your wins, your losses, your joys and your sorrows. This can also put you down at times, coz it implies you're helpless. Yet, having tried to fight destiny, I can only say it's true and inescapable.

People who came and left, they were supposed to stay only a while, don't expect them to be there for you forever. Strangers become best friends, spouses become strangers. They were here to teach you something, to make you strong, to help you explore how good (or bad) you are capable of being. Allow them to teach you, and go. You move on, as well, to a better life with more calculated actions and consequences. Born alone, die alone, why fret over who did not (or did) stay a while? Paths cross, roads diverge, move on. You need no one to survive. Especially not baggage.

Everyone's journey is different. Some people are meant to be great, others are destined to be alone. Change what you don't like, if you cannot change it then accept it. Don't settle when something is not appropriate, don't compromise when someone is taking you for granted. You were not born to suffer for someone else's jubilation. 

Don't live up to someone else's expectations from you. Nobody will applaud you anyway. Few will stand by you, despite all odds. Don't go looking for the right one. They will come along when the time comes. If they are supposed to. And if they leave, so be it.  

Brands across the world want to sell you happiness. Buy Starbucks and feel like a queen, ride a Harley and feel like god. Buy at the mall and spend at the casino, party at the best clubs and travel to soothe your heart. It's all a ploy. Your happiness is within you. Everything else is temporary. Too often to hurt the people close to you for the sake of those that won't give you a second look once your objective in their life is met. Chill with a cuppa at home alone, or with the dog, or on the treadmill, or the kid, without bothering to look at the clock or WhatsApp.

Amitabh Bacchan often quotes his dad, and I think it is one very useful piece of advice: Life is a struggle every day, and as long as there is life, there will be struggle. Don't fight it, accept it as a challenge and emerge stronger. Also, if things go your way, good. If they don't, it's better, coz then it is going as per the Almighty's desire. 

Keep being, keep doing, keep feeling. You're stronger than you think you are.

You can deal with it all. You got no choice.

You should not cling to expectations, promises, people or situations.

Do not complain, do not demand. Just be. Accept. Not everything will go your way.

Not everything will go against you either.

Life, in the long run, is fair. You get what you deserve.

If you've done something wrong, apologize and set it right.

If something is weighing you down, say it out loud and be done with it.

If there is something that you can do, do it. For your own sake.

Coz you deserve to be happy.

Change is the only constant. And a relief. Move on.

A better life awaits, just stop looking at that darned close door.

Stop feeling like a victim. It's all meant to be. Misery. Ecstasy. Love. Conflict. Peace.

So said the Bhagavad Gita. And so many other philosophers.

Tuch aahes tujhya jivanacha shilpkar - Wamanrao Pai

Make it large!

Love,
Anuja

Search for the Elusive

All that glitters is not gold. Yet, each black cloud has a silver lining. 
Although, birds of a feather flock together, familiarity breed contempt. 

Life is full of these dichotomies. Contradictions galore. 
In life, in values, in people and in choices.

Lately, I've become more intolerant with people because I can see through their untruthfulness and I cannot stand it. While I am no Satyawaadi Harishchandra myself, I do make an honest attempt to do the right thing and tell the truth, no matter how bitter and the resulting consequences. I agree life is full of greys, but that statement applies to some situations, and not all, as conveniently exploited by those up to good. 

They say patience with family is love, and patience with others is respect. 

I find it hard to respect people who are not being genuine or generous. Those who pretend and those who are self-centred. No wonder then I am known for being the devil's advocate and calling a spade a spade at work and home. I'm liked and despised in equal measure, yet I quite like this quality where I make no bones about it. Makes me respect myself, else I'd be just like one of those lying buggers teeming out there. 

Diplomacy is a good alternative, I have heard. The unfortunate bit is most people do not understand sarcasm or tact, and go about doing what they're doing anyway, with zero regard to other folks and the impact of their actions.

The elusive gentleman and lady. Why art thou so rare?!!

Someone who is abusive at home is popular as kind and liberal by colleagues. Someone who is outwardly pleasant but vicious inside is lauded as sweet and nice. Even Rama who was the Purush-ottam (the perfect man) did injustice by Sita when he chose to be a worthy king first rather than a good husband. What did Sita get in return for all her hardship, loyalty, love and faith? She was cast away in the woods, pregnant and sorrowful. Our fates are anyday better than that godwoman, despite our intents and acts being worse.

As I learnt about Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott, so many epiphanies surfaced - that there are "mokitas" where people do not openly talk about issues, that relationships die when honest conversations stop, and that we need to approach Coaching and Confrontation very differently than we usually do. Unfortunately, our culture inhibits us from being "Fierce". Meekness is taught and valued, flattery and gossip gets you places. Good leaders and true friends are hard to find, and competence and transparency can only get you so far. People are nice to each other only for a time and purpose, and relationships are forgotten the moment the tangible outcomes wane. 

They say it takes a strong man to deal with a strong woman, and I completely agree. As I see some of my female friends and colleagues hunt for a decent match, the narrow-mindedness of most men appals us, whereas it's a relief to know about it sooner than suffer later. Is it any surprise then that most individuals either remain single all their lives, waiting for someone compatible and real, and many couples either separate or cheat? 

It's Kal-Yug. The dark age. The darkness is more real now than anytime else. My patience is weaker, endlessly subjected to all that is not authentic, capable, human. The suggestion online and offline is meditation, but that's a long, lonely road my mind is not prepared to take. Choose your battles, they say - sometimes peace is more important than being right. 

As I count my blessings, I pray for honesty - in our lives, relationships, careers and society. 

Love and Luck to all of ye,
Princess
           

Why Me?!!

I know this is a ridiculous and foolhardy question, especially when thousands are battling for their health and existence worldwide. But you tend to compare yourself with those up the ladder, and not below. Human nature, what you got is never enough and the grass is always greener on the other side...

The normal reactions of dealing with any change (as I learnt in my own Change Management class) are Shock, Anger, Resistance, Acceptance, Action and Monitor Progress. I seem to have gone through the entire cycle - but the loop keeps bringing me back to Anger after Action.

I was told by my friends and social circle that I'm a model for others, that I seem to have my act together, and I inspire others. Time for me to reveal just how fragile and vulnerable I am. Day after day. Slogging on. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Praying things work out okay and I manage to be happy. At peace. I fail. Every single (or alternate) day.

I wasn't born into an affluent family, though I did not have to make any major sacrifices or strive tremendously hard for anything. Yet, at the back of my mind, I always knew money was scarce, and I had to be careful about my future and expenses. I was bullied at school by my classmates for being dark complexioned and at home by my brother coz I was the ideal kid for my parents. My life was focused around making my family proud of me, and getting off their back as soon as possible to relieve them of duty and stress. Made me an immensely adaptive child in Transactional Analysis terms, even as I maintained my Free Child spirit. I was inwardly introvert and scared, though confident and carefree externally. I hated my childhood and could not wait to grow up.

I started doing odd jobs in college to earn pocket money, this included doing day jobs in marketing promotions and writing the odd article/poem in local newspapers to earn fame and finance support. I was excellent at academics, and ironically everything I worked hard for, I could not achieve - the scholarships in school and college, important job interviews, study abroad opportunities and relationships, whether friendly or romantic. Nothing lasted. I always felt incomplete, unaccomplished. Nothing really mattered. Nothing really gave pleasure. Not those silly parties that others boasted off, endless clubbing that makes teens feel liberated, and I did not possess the selfless streak to engage in social service and stuff.

I got married for love. I was elated that I'd finally nailed it. Made something of my life that would bring me happiness and complete me. Karma wasn't done testing me or maybe my sins were not repaid yet. I fought society and my parents to marry my spouse and his family. My husband abandoned me, sometimes for his colleagues and other times for his family. I couldn't wrap my head around it - how could somebody that was my world, be so uncaring towards me and not be concerned or responsible for how I felt and what I wanted? How could I be ignored and abused all the time? The few moments of joy that I was blessed with, made me feel it was all worth it, that the strife and conflicts were normal and happened in all relationships. That marriages survived, and spouses were meant to be for life.

Unloved. Unwanted. Fighting and demanding things. From my own husband who treated me like I did not matter. That I did not belong. I remained incomplete.

Educated and intelligent - I think I am extremely unworthy of these tags. If I was, I probably would not have to go through all that I have. I thought illiterate, helpless women in slums were abused and exploited, and made stupid decisions. I chose to have a baby when things were already fragile between me and my husband. I should have quit right then, rather than spoiling my life plus one. I knew my in laws were hopeless, manipulative creeps and I chose to bring another being under their sick influence. I got to get an award for being so dumb. I got a son, a beautiful and amazing creature, a gift from the gods to make my life worth living and loving.

I have given up trying to explain myself to anyone, but it hurts you know. It hurts to be so misunderstood and disliked for being genuine. I return kindness a 100 fold and try to be a forgiving, optimistic person. I fail on most days, like today. But I go on, hope creeps in, in one form or the other and gives me strength to survive another day.

I admire people who have been dealt the worst in life, and they still take in their stride and trudge on with a smile on their face.

Thankfully, there are some people who understand and appreciate me for who I am, but the majority cannot deal with it, and it's okay.

What is not okay is that my misery seems endless.

I know joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin, and one follows the other, neither stays forever. I'm praying that happy days arrive soon, and stay awhile, helping me gather strength for any more difficulties that lie ahead.

Coz we're all equal, and have our own troubles, and God stands by our side through thick and thin.

We shall get through this :-)

And I did! The best way to mend your mood is to do something for someone else.

After a long time, I did Tarot reading sessions for some of my acquaintances and helping them instantly raised my spirit. I can't help solve your problems, but I can help you find hope and be prepared for what lies ahead. And sometimes, that's enough.

Stay strong!

Cheers,
Anuja

A Decade of Blogging

Hi there, 

I've been on Blogger.com for a decade! Hurray!

That I have not written frequently enough is another tale altogether, but I am delighted that people across the globe visit, stay and return to  550+ posts on "Life..."

I cannot thank you enough, and I do hope I bring you pleasure and reflection in your good and not so good times. Blogging is catharsis to me, and a responsibility as well, especially when someone tells me that they read a post or remind me that I haven't expressed in a while. Heartfelt gratitude. You are my motivation to write, despite my long absences. To each one of you, thank you!

Albeit a cliche, life's a roller coaster, in so many ways more than one, and we meet some amazing and not so amazing people on the way. I look back at all that's happened and all that I have done in my 3 decades of life, and it's been crazy! So much learning, so much heartache, so many joys and so much to be grateful for. But I'm not going to make this a boring, philosophical post. I'm going to tell you what I've been up to this past month. 

(Yes, it's been 4 weeks. Sorry.)

To take my adrenaline rush up a notch and tick another item in the deep bucket list I got, I went to Andaman and experienced scuba diving. Remember Hrithik and Kareena in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara? That's exactly what I did, and I felt exactly as petrified as Hrithik underwater. I had a wonderful instructor, goes by the name Steve, and is from Bangalore, though he spends more than 11 months in a year on the archipelago away from civilization, blissful among the flora and fauna under the sea. He kept me alive and gave me strength as I cruised below the surface of the water, worried about my next breath, trying to enjoy the sight of fish, octopus, anemones and other creatures. It was beautiful, but I'm never doing it again! Scary as hell, even if you know swimming, which you don't need to know. Throw me off a plane a 100 times and I'll be excited, but I'm never going underwater again. You can't open your mouth to talk or scream, and that's not my idea of a great place to be! I'm a trainer after all, and I need to have full use of my mouth, no matter where I am! Only breathing through my mouth - no, not good enough. 

Apart from that, I had fun under the sun with my son on the beach amidst the sand, making castles and enjoying the waves. We're baked brown and happy for this break, which I desperately needed for my sanity and peace. I've been working and fighting some personal battles for more than a long time, and this vacation helped me rejuvenate, re-energize and renew myself. Thank god (again) for such opportunities and possibilities. 

Review of the Andaman islands - It's a gorgeous destination, just as pretty and more economical than other phoren locations which they show on TV and advertise in movies. Havelock beaches are a must visit, and we also stayed at a wonderful resort called Summer Sands at Neil island. We also visited Mangrove and Lighthouse beaches (since Elephant beach is closed almost all year). The blue, green waters and clean beaches - you can see multicoloured fish with the naked eye right at the surface of the water! Apart from multiple beaches with water sports, you got the Cellular Jail with a very painful story and an okay-ish light and sound show, some aquariums and museums in Port Blair. Food can be a problem for pure vegetarians, and the hotels though 3 and 4 star, have limited facilities owing to transport and connectivity challenges. I would definitely recommend Andaman and Nicobar to beach lovers.

Now it's back to work and life, where a difficult battle awaits since my marriage is on the rocks and my soon to be ex husband is harassing me and refusing to sign the mutual consent papers in court. I've suffered for 3 years, been in depression and taken care single-handedly of my son along with a full time job, but that suffering apparently is not enough according to my amazing spouse and he'd like to teach me a lesson. Looks like all his adultery, desertion and abandonment, physical and verbal abuse, dowry and in-law harassment doesn't qualify as adequate torture. I wanted to keep it clean despite all this and not press charges, but he is determined to not let me go "easy". All those times I cared and pampered him were insufficient, cos he wanted to go on secret holidays with his girlfriends from work, leaving the ill kid alone at home with me for days and abuse me for his failures and incompetence in every area of life. Bring  it on partner. I've got God, my parents and my son on my side. I'm sure this will end well for me and I hope it keeps you afloat, if not buried 6 feet under. Karma shall play its cards in time.

Must have come as a shock to many of you, since I always have a smile on my face and a spring in my step. But it's been hard. And now I'm ready for all that life throws my way. I know I deserve someone much better, more cultured, loving and wise. Akhilesh was my mistake - I was warned by everyone I knew. I'm paying the price for this, but my biggest regret is that Aarush has to suffer as well. Nobody can make up for a father's place in life, no matter how much love and values are provided by the mother and grandparents. Guess that's his destiny too, and it's all for the best. Being a divorced, single mom caused me much worry and panic earlier, but it's been 3 months since I've accepted it and built a new life. The heavens up above are merciful, and I know it is going to get better.    

Reading and writing, everything obviously has taken a backseat at this point in time. With so many restaurants and joints mushrooming everywhere in the city, I've had a chance to visit Urban Foundry/Terttulia in Baner (just like any other, to be honest) and Raasta Cafe (which had a better ambience and spread). Despicable Me 3 was a letdown after the first two laugh riots, and that sums up my recreational activities. I do watch Roadies Rising and Sarabhai Take 2 now and then, but my days are full of work and Aarush on loop.  

Each one of us has his/her own troubles, some more difficult than the rest. I know you will get through them, be strong. Keep the faith, like God told Joshua in the Bible. You may not see the progress, you may think nothing is happening behind those walls. But trust me, at the end of it, God will set it right. You will be happy. 

And so will I.

Lots of love,
Anuja

Just Another Women's Day

Women’s Day they cheer,

Fortune favors the brave;

And yet this “kick-ass” woman,

Cannot her sanity save.

I marvel at the ladies

That saunter tough with grace,

I fail at half they do

And scamper to save face.    

Fear and anxiety

Are my eternal mates,

I can’t help but wonder,

At folks who accept their fates.

I am my self’s enemy,

I am my own friend,

Everything starts with me,

And I beget my own end.

I’m tired of fighting my soul,

A creature so wild and free;

Taming it takes up all I got,

And leaves not an ounce of peace wee.

Torn between good and immoral,

I toil and douse the fire in my heart;

Doing what the world deems right,

Yet feel so empty in every part.

My soul claims each breath,

Every step I take is mine,

And still at the close of it all,

Nothing seems fine.

Coz some like me who appear,

To have it all together;

Are the weakest when dawn breaks,

As we assemble in our cap each feather.  

When the sun comes up,

We rise with determination new,

Wish all the good we do unto you,

Would come back to us someday, too.

For now we wait and watch,

And go with the flow but fickle;

Veiling our powers and dreams,

That you sell for a dime and nickel.

More power to all of us, ladies.

And the men, who sometimes need more confidence, support and motivation than the erstwhile “weaker” sex.  

Love,

Princess

We're Too Different ...

Well, hello there!

Been a while since I penned poetry, a realization that dawned when a fellow poet and colleague shared his creations. 

Somehow poetry is the last thing on my mind even as I contemplate a hundred imaginary things on a daily basis. To set words in rhyme needs a very positive frame of mind, and galloping behind a kid is not a very conducive environment for that, you see. 

However, here is a little something that flowed out not so long ago... 
The context we shall ignore, but here's the poem for you to mull over. 

All you people who think compatibility is a concern when two individuals are poles apart in thought (not values). This should leave a mark and set you thinking...

You say we are too different, 
And I heartily agree.
But how different
Are we exactly? 

I love you, 
Don't you love me? 
You miss me,
Don't I miss thee? 

Being different is a boon, 
It makes us a formidable force. 
To tackle all the challenges, 
That knock on our doors. 

It means the best of both worlds, 
We can give to our lucky lives. 
The crazy and sensible stuff I bring
To your practical and unplanned side. 

I do what you enjoy, 
And you do as I say. 
We rejoice and succeed together, 
Come what obstacle may. 

It won't be too easy, 
Far from a cakewalk divine. 
But I know I shall be yours forever, 
And you mine until the end of time. 

That's what brought us together, 
Only to drive us apart. 
We can sort out all the mess, 
If we try from the heart. 

Be the man of my dreams, 
And I'll be your wife charming.
I don't want to let you go, 
You're my life, my darling. 

I know I can be tough, 
Yet I belong to you.
If I am my worst at times, 
Help me be better, won't you? 

I'll try all I can
To make you smile, my dear
Will you not try as well, 
To keep us both near? 

Let's make a life pleasant, 
And gift to each other ease
Let's bring back to our lives, 
Success, joy and peace.

Maybe this test of time
Was a wake up call for us, 
Maybe we ought to consider
Before we miss the bus. 

The ball now lies
Rolling in your court. 
You're the general and leader
Of my heart and our fort. 

Choose wisely!

***

And for those who are waiting in the wings wanting you to fail...

Nimbu mirchi to them ;-)

 


Live it up!

Cheerio!
Princess

Ganpati Bappa More-ya!

Hello there. 

Times are better, and I thank you all for I don't know which one of yours' prayer worked for me. That's why I dropped in sooner this time - to express my gratitude and relieve all you worried folks who dropped notes with your love, wishing me strength and joy. 

Bright dawns appear after the darkest of nights, and I lived my hell last week. Things were downright ugly, so much so, that the future could bring nothing but improvement. Whilst I cannot call life perfect just yet, I am hopeful that with time and patience, and some hard work on all fronts, the situation might turn positive. Maybe Ganpati Bappa could not bear to see me breaking any more, and he flipped my life on its head. 

Wish the Lord does the same with you and yours :-)

Ganpati Bappa Morya!!
   
The news this time around is that my little bub has started going to daycare. Day 1 was obviously not a breeze, and the teacher had me come pick him up 2 hours after he was dropped. The poor chap obviously felt lost and abandoned, and it broke my heart to see him wailing for me. 

Oh the woes of modern life! If I did not have to worry about my monthly pay cheque, I would give up my job and take care of the tiny angel day and night. However, the bills don't pay themselves, and our expenses are far from humble. Somebody rightly said - I purchased a house and thought I'd rest in it, but the needs of the house have made me an eternal traveler. I have so many dreams and so many plans, for myself and my child. Don't know how much I will be able to do, and whether he will appreciate it or not when he comes of age. But, I don't want him to be thinking of money all the time, and not living his life the way he wishes because his mother did not have more than enough to provide for him.

No, I don't mean I was raised in penury. However, I was more than aware that my parents did not have legacies named after them, and they went through some very tough times. This scarred my attitude for life, and money became a critical factor in all that I thought and did. "Budget" and "negotiation" were my watch words, and I have a work experience of over 10 years (at my age) coz I started working when I was a teen, to pay for my expenses and not be a burden on my family. I missed all those coffee hangouts with my friends, as my wallet bore just enough money to travel by bus to college, and I even shoplifted once (more on a dare than for selfish intents) to jazz up my clubbing wardrobe. 

The stories we all harbor inside us! 

I recall someone quoted that there is a book inside each one of us, and I heartily agree. 

Though of course, not all need to be told and read, and hence, I shall stop my autobiography here.

Hope you all are enjoying the spate of long weekends! Three in a row, but marred by the fact that there is absolutely no rain and the weather is dry and scalding hot. Pune is going through a water crisis and many areas get water supply once in two days. We're lucky, in our side of town, to have water all day (thanks to tankers) but I fear to think what will happen during the peak summer season what with the monsoons giving us a miss this year. Farmer suicides and so much loss. Darn this climate. And add to it, Syria and Hajj, and the globe looks a sorry picture...

Let's pray for us all, everyone. Someday, hopefully, things will get rosier. For you, for me, and for everybody. 


Love,
Princess

An Agonizing Life

Hey there!

Rather than giving you the same old sh*t about apologies for my disappearance, let me give you an honest confession on what's been keeping me on my toes. 

Of course you know that Aarush is the most critical element of my life (and routine) now. In a few years' time, he will want to keep away from me and I'll be suffering from the empty nest syndrome as my boy experiences life in all its joys and adventures. Yet right now, I am the center of his universe. Hell, I AM his universe. He clings to me all the while and can't be kept away even if I beg and plead or shout. I could be busy on the phone, and he could be busy with his toys (not his actual toys, but stuff like my slippers or rubbish on the floor, or the dustbin or spoons and tumblers) but physically we need to be connected as far as he is concerned. It's really cool to be loved and wanted like that, some of you might agree, but it also gets a little too suffocating sometimes when he cries and crawls behind me even into the loo, not just when I need to relieve myself (after hours of waiting) but also as I wash my hands after wiping his poop. 

So, I got to get up, get the food ready, feed my little angel, get ready for work and leave. I am generally an hour behind schedule by the time I report to work, but I manage to get my 8 hour tasks wound up in 3-4 hours through sheer diligence and hard+smart work. The clock beckons every hour, but I wait it out until I absolutely must go back to my bub. Apparently, he doesn't cry when I am away, but I still imagine him making that sad (and yummy) face and bawling when I refuse to hold him in my arms (for all of 10 seconds). 

Physically and health-wise, I am a mess. I do not get the time to eat or sleep well, and my weight is back to pre-pregnancy, if not less. (Yeah, I was looking forward to this landmark event, but it doesn't thrill me when I feel dizzy and black out while standing). I can't recall the last time I slept for anything over 2 hours at  stretch, and not all of it can be ascribed to my baby. I have no choice but to blame my spouse who finds it very easy and convenient to spend 12-15 hours at work everyday (night, since he works shifts and also parties post work) as I lie awake and fret about his return and safety, and my lost youth and newly-found loneliness.   

Really, sometimes I wonder, all that struggle and war, only to wed someone who finds happiness at work and with colleagues? The way we are with each other is two dichotomous extremes: either we're all over each other and folks hold us as ideal /lucky couple or we're at each others' throats, eager to get away and yet unable to do so coz we "love" each other. 

I believe in destiny but I'm also doubting if anything can be worse than this.

Yaya, I know such things are not meant to be disclosed in public, but hell, there is just no limit to what's negative between us, and from each one's perspective, we're better off without the other. He ignores me at best and abuses me at worst. All this, as I see merry, mushy updates on FB vouching how much couples love each other and how fortunate they are to have each other, and how crucial they are to each other. From what I can see, I have become a wife with none of the perks and all of the inconveniences. Take care of the house, husband and child plus work full time, and absolutely no social or romantic life, let aside adventure and bliss. Not the life I'd wished and planned for. My memories reek of pain and sorrow, and all that keeps me going is Aarush's smile and a hope for a better tomorrow, which doesn't seem anywhere on the horizon. 

That's what comes of marrying in haste, and marrying someone without sensibly weighing your pro's and con's, compatibility, maturity, upbringing, personality and culture. 

So, the only time I have for myself is when Aarush drifts off to dreamland and I catch up on Splitsvilla 8 (what a bunch of morons!) or read (Shunali Khullar Shroff is a laugh riot in "Battle Hymn of a Bewildered Mother", and Kavita Kane's "The Outcast's Wife" is a pretty interesting read too). I also do some paid writing work in my spare time, and all these are the reasons I have been unable to write to you for the last 2 months. 

Movies are a part of my life again as Aarush sleeps through the late night ones, so I recently watched Brothers and Manjhi. Liked the former, the latter drags though it is a very inspirational tale about one man achieving the "impossible". 

Life's too short, they say, to be someone you're not or do something that you hate. 

I'm having to do it, coz I choose responsibility and loyalty over my freedom and happiness. I'd love to blame my parents for instilling these rare values in me and burdening me with self-expectations, but then they're not wrong - it's the ones who can't appreciate and reciprocate that should be punished and taught a lesson. 

Maybe I'm chasing a mirage, maybe my thoughts and dreams are silly. Or maybe I am living with someone who has messed with my head so much that the only emotions in my life are tears and insecurity, and a resignation to fate and depression.

Until God helps me tide over this and come back with a cheerful story...

Cheers and good luck to you.
(Lonely) princess 

Turn Back Time

There is something extremely desirable about a guy who is possessive about his girl. A little bit of insecurity works wonders when it comes to intimacy in a relationship.

At least Sheena felt that way. 

After all there has to be  some proof that a loves and needs his woman like no one else, she mused. 

Trust is definitely important but sprinkle a little bit of jealousy in a relation and it blooms and blossoms in its excitement quotient...

Now this certainly wasn't a justification for her obsession with him, she was quite proud of the fact that she was crazy about Russell. So crazy that she drove him nuts. So crazy that she sometimes drove him away.

He asked her the other day why she was so upset, so glum and she said she didn't know. After the silence that ensued, he made a very intriguing observation, "I think you are missing a passion in life." 

Her first reaction was annoyance at his arrogant confession but it was soon followed by bewilderment. And then she smiled. Maybe he was right; she was indeed feeling low and demotivated. She thought about it all night and it dawned on her by morn that for the last couple of years all she had been passionate about was him. 

Russell. 

The man of her dreams. The object of her addiction.

Sheena was so mad about him that even someone calling him by his nickname Ross angered her.

The realization that this was a tad extreme was not lost on her. 

Yet, she thought she deserved a special place in his life and nobody could be permitted to trespass.

And that's where the trouble began. Ross, unfortunately, did not think so. 

He was of the opinion that they had their own sweet separate lives and that's how it was meant to be despite the fact that they were engaged to be married.

It pained Sheena, his lack of interest in her life and his stone cold attitude towards her distress. It appeared to her that he cared more for random strangers and colleagues than her. Now which woman would be okay with this? Not too many, she told herself.

All her life, Sheena had wished for great friends and an exciting life. Her few good besties fulfilled this desire amply. But when she met Ross, she felt she had found her soul mate and her contact with them reduced. Big mistake. She devoted all her time and attention to him and he initially reciprocated. As time flew, her life became empty and his got fuller with other people and activities. No surprise then that his priorities and pastimes changed while her need for him only multiplied.

To make matters difficult, Ross was the strong and silent types who did not mind being alone. He enjoyed spending time with people but he did not want anybody to make his life complete. He was calm and content in his solitude and he did not feel the sting of loneliness. He was good to all, and better to strangers and acquaintances than her, or.so.Sheena believed.

It did not bother Ross when Sheena described how someone had asked her out the previous day nor was he worried if she did not call for hours. Maybe he did not need to, as she called him several times a day and often in quick succession while he was busy. He did not always answer her calls and texts, something that she complained about. He believed in freedom and space, like most other men. He had a woman he trusted, unlike most other men.

Sheena had been a lovely lass when he met her but of late she had started to nag. He did not know what he was doing wrong and he had no clue how to fix this cribbing. He liked his work and he got to meet some interesting folks there. Sheena seemed to resent his happiness and bugged him for trivial reasons.

All this while their wedding day was looming near. 

Was it the right decision?

Was it too late to turn back? 

Would it truly be worthwhile to commit his love and life to this person that he adored but occasionally found tough to bear?

And that was the question on his mind as he started his day. 

Time and destiny would show him the right way, he was certain.

He stepped on the sidewalk and checked his pocket to ensure he was carrying his cell phone. Damn, he'd forgotten it again. Sheena's latest gift to him, his favorite mobile handset that had cost her a bomb but she had not said so once. He turned back to the house and picked up his phone.

Ten missed calls. Two texts.

Must be Sheena. How had she stopped at two texts?! She generally sent no less than five.

Text 1: As expected, from Sheena. It read, "Ross, call me now!!!"

Text 2: Again, Sheena. "Jerk!!"

Ross grimaced. Sheena brought too much drama into every mundane thing. Maybe he should call it off with her... 

He dialed her number and waited as the phone rang once, twice, thrice. Why wasn't she answering now?

Click.

Ross: "What the hell...."

An unknown man: "Hi, is this Ross?"

Ross: (a little taken aback) "Yes. Who's this?"

Man: "Your number was the last dialed on this phone. The woman carrying it was hit by a speeding car and she is being rushed to Malcolm hospital in a critical state as we speak...."

Cheerio!
Princess

The Pain of Gifting

Whoever called it the “JOY” of gifting skipped a step.

Prior to the joy (if at all), comes pain, immense discomfort and a lot of inconvenience, effort and thought. The next step could range from ecstasy and gratefulness to annoyance and indifference.

Which is why most people give the act of gifting a miss and either request no gifts on the receiving end or give cash rather than an object as a guest. Saves all the people concerned from a lot of heartache and embarrassment.

I understand, I entirely do. It is a much better option than running around from pillar to post and finally presenting or ending up with some trashy items being shifted around from hand to hand over the ages.

I am writing about this for a cause.

The cause of loving people who have done everything possible under the sun for their loved ones and who do not know what else to do for the sake of affection and originality. 

So basically, people like me. Lovers of revelries for reasons small or major, and adorers of their moms and spouses and uncles and aunts.

Let me brief you first on some important aspects.

One, my mother and my husband are, fortunately or weirdly, pretty alike. I mean of course they’re both pretty but it does not end there. They care for me beyond themselves and I love them both to bits. Their mannerisms and habits are also similar in more than a few ways. Plus, both of them don’t like presents in general and are very balanced (read predictable) when it comes to celebrations and gifts. 

Which means that I’ve been dealing with this agony for over two decades now, though I have been only married two years.  

My husband celebrates two birthdays in a year (as if one was not enough) and one of them, the fake one, falls close to the day of love – Valentine’s. Now imagine my plight, I need to think thrice about the things that he has and does not have, should have or wants or needs. Not counting, obviously, the monthly and yearly anniversaries of our wedding and courtship.   

A Herculean task, indeed!

A cake and flowers no longer count as something sensational; it’s too formal and extremely unimaginative. My husband has no patience or aptitude for cards, poetry and the like (contrary to my mom, she used to dig that stuff). This rules out one of my unique and greatest gifting ideas.

Clothes, electronics, wallets and travel – we have done all of that as well. I was so confused last year about what to give him on our wedding anniversary that I went around polling people and got some fairly random ideas like Bluetooth headset and biker helmet. I finally bought him the second, but it does not feel like a gift really, if you know what I mean. More like a security accessory, a must rather than a casual feel-good present. But since my husband is not the romantic, rose-tinted types, I guess it worked fine in his case. Had it been someone rosy-hearted and hare-brained, this would be a concern.

Worse still, if you ask these folks what they would like as a gift, they either say “anything” or “nothing”. Both these answers are annoying. Why wouldn’t you simply say what is it that you are lacking at the moment and ease matters for the poor enquiring soul? Not to mention, it should suit his/her budget. I  know of certain leeches, who when asked about their choices, state incredibly ridiculous demands that make you want to slap them and ask them to get lost. Why, why, why do I have to deal with such horribly unreasonable people?!!

Seeking help from online sources is useless as well, coz there is absolutely no logic in the list of items displayed on the web, and their preposterous prices may as well convince you to forget the entire idea of a celebration.

And, before I conclude, let me also place on record the awe I feel about some of the gifts given to me, ranging from the utterly silly to the amazingly generous. Give me a decent book, a holiday voucher, good clothes or accessories and I would be pleased as punch. Give me ugly, used or non-usable stuff and I shall refuse pleasantly. 

So, there stands my agony, confessed and out in the open. If you find a solution, do let me know.

If not, carry on with whatever it is that works for you! Some pains just never end, though you want the good times to carry on forever…

Cheerio!
Princess