Wednesday, September 9

An Agonizing Life

Hey there!

Rather than giving you the same old sh*t about apologies for my disappearance, let me give you an honest confession on what's been keeping me on my toes. 

Of course you know that Aarush is the most critical element of my life (and routine) now. In a few years' time, he will want to keep away from me and I'll be suffering from the empty nest syndrome as my boy experiences life in all its joys and adventures. Yet right now, I am the center of his universe. Hell, I AM his universe. He clings to me all the while and can't be kept away even if I beg and plead or shout. I could be busy on the phone, and he could be busy with his toys (not his actual toys, but stuff like my slippers or rubbish on the floor, or the dustbin or spoons and tumblers) but physically we need to be connected as far as he is concerned. It's really cool to be loved and wanted like that, some of you might agree, but it also gets a little too suffocating sometimes when he cries and crawls behind me even into the loo, not just when I need to relieve myself (after hours of waiting) but also as I wash my hands after wiping his poop. 

So, I got to get up, get the food ready, feed my little angel, get ready for work and leave. I am generally an hour behind schedule by the time I report to work, but I manage to get my 8 hour tasks wound up in 3-4 hours through sheer diligence and hard+smart work. The clock beckons every hour, but I wait it out until I absolutely must go back to my bub. Apparently, he doesn't cry when I am away, but I still imagine him making that sad (and yummy) face and bawling when I refuse to hold him in my arms (for all of 10 seconds). 

Physically and health-wise, I am a mess. I do not get the time to eat or sleep well, and my weight is back to pre-pregnancy, if not less. (Yeah, I was looking forward to this landmark event, but it doesn't thrill me when I feel dizzy and black out while standing). I can't recall the last time I slept for anything over 2 hours at  stretch, and not all of it can be ascribed to my baby. I have no choice but to blame my spouse who finds it very easy and convenient to spend 12-15 hours at work everyday (night, since he works shifts and also parties post work) as I lie awake and fret about his return and safety, and my lost youth and newly-found loneliness.   

Really, sometimes I wonder, all that struggle and war, only to wed someone who finds happiness at work and with colleagues? The way we are with each other is two dichotomous extremes: either we're all over each other and folks hold us as ideal /lucky couple or we're at each others' throats, eager to get away and yet unable to do so coz we "love" each other. 

I believe in destiny but I'm also doubting if anything can be worse than this.

Yaya, I know such things are not meant to be disclosed in public, but hell, there is just no limit to what's negative between us, and from each one's perspective, we're better off without the other. He ignores me at best and abuses me at worst. All this, as I see merry, mushy updates on FB vouching how much couples love each other and how fortunate they are to have each other, and how crucial they are to each other. From what I can see, I have become a wife with none of the perks and all of the inconveniences. Take care of the house, husband and child plus work full time, and absolutely no social or romantic life, let aside adventure and bliss. Not the life I'd wished and planned for. My memories reek of pain and sorrow, and all that keeps me going is Aarush's smile and a hope for a better tomorrow, which doesn't seem anywhere on the horizon. 

That's what comes of marrying in haste, and marrying someone without sensibly weighing your pro's and con's, compatibility, maturity, upbringing, personality and culture. 

So, the only time I have for myself is when Aarush drifts off to dreamland and I catch up on Splitsvilla 8 (what a bunch of morons!) or read (Shunali Khullar Shroff is a laugh riot in "Battle Hymn of a Bewildered Mother", and Kavita Kane's "The Outcast's Wife" is a pretty interesting read too). I also do some paid writing work in my spare time, and all these are the reasons I have been unable to write to you for the last 2 months. 

Movies are a part of my life again as Aarush sleeps through the late night ones, so I recently watched Brothers and Manjhi. Liked the former, the latter drags though it is a very inspirational tale about one man achieving the "impossible". 

Life's too short, they say, to be someone you're not or do something that you hate. 

I'm having to do it, coz I choose responsibility and loyalty over my freedom and happiness. I'd love to blame my parents for instilling these rare values in me and burdening me with self-expectations, but then they're not wrong - it's the ones who can't appreciate and reciprocate that should be punished and taught a lesson. 

Maybe I'm chasing a mirage, maybe my thoughts and dreams are silly. Or maybe I am living with someone who has messed with my head so much that the only emotions in my life are tears and insecurity, and a resignation to fate and depression.

Until God helps me tide over this and come back with a cheerful story...

Cheers and good luck to you.
(Lonely) princess 

5 comments:

vishalbheeroo said...

Wish you best in your life Anuja and I know you will weather all storms. You are one strong and fabulous girl.

Princess said...

Thank you for your kind words, Vishal. Unfortunately, the only ones who believe I am "fabulous" are far from close to me :-)

I just might take that vacation to Mauritius soon.

Cheerio!
Anuja

Ranveer vishal said...

You should, Anuja and will be happy to welcome you and the family:)

Anony V said...

Hi,

I having been a reader here for almost 3-4 years. Love to read what you write. This us the first time I am commenting...reason I am totally moved by what you have blogged here. I truly understand how you feel as I have been in the same state for quite a few years now. Mother of twin toddlers I can't even get back to work because of a lack of support system and a non supportive partner. Sometimes or rather all the time I wonder what did I do wrong that I m pulling this all alone without any emotional support from what I hate to call a partner- what is he even partnering, I wonder.

Princess said...

Hi Anony V,

So glad to hear from you... but far from glad to hear what you're going through. I feel you, as do so many married women around the world. We're all in the same boat, while chivalrous, supportive, respectable and loving men inhabit an island nobody knows where.

I wish you strength, whatever you choose to do and I wish you joy with your kids and yourself. You're a beautiful person, whoever you are, and you deserve to be happy (as do I, our partners, and people the whole world over).

Cheers!
Princess