Smile Divine

That smile... It touched my heart,

I felt warm, I was glowing,

Just with that smile of yours,

You made me smile.

I looked carefully, trying to unravel,

What was it about that smile,

I felt like a teenager with her first crush,

That mad rush of ecstasy.

It made me want to fly,

And run in the wild outdoors,

Thanking the lord for the sun and breeze,

Life seemed perfect, 

Just with that smile of yours.

The way your eyes crinkled,

When you smiled and looked away,

Pure innocence, more than a child,

Beauty personified.

Never have I seen a view,

As pretty as your smile,

My heart beat fast,

My mind wanders to thoughts unbenign,

So unlike me, unladylike,

I want to laugh with you,

Loud and free,

And hold your face in my hands,

Touch your lips, look into your eyes,

Draw you close,

As you continue to smile.

I feel so brave, and helpless, I can't stop,

As you smile, you make me want to go further,

Not caring what happens next,

I could hug you, but then I won't see that smile,

And I can't stop looking at it,

It's magical, has me spellbound,

That smile.

Time flies as you continue to smile,

Your words fall on deaf ears,

I'm distracted, I try to concentrate,

But your smile steals my senses.

Pure rapture throbbing in my veins.

I can't wait to see it again.

That smile.

I've found my drug, I'm addicted.

You blush, and I can't help staring,

You could make me do anything with that smile.

The thought of not seeing it again makes me desolate.

We're strangers, and yet,

I'm in love with that smile.

And I can't wait to see it again....

- Princess

Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Oh to find the one you love....

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
Come rain or shine, this single soul
Makes all your hopes come true.

He keeps you warm when the nights are cold
And becomes the cool breeze in summers
He knows value lies in depth and feeling
Not in money or numbers.

It's not about those good times
Or the parties you went to,
It's about the times you cried on his shoulder
And he knew what to say or just sob along too.

He supports you when the goin gets tough
And when you're wrong as well
The only thing he doesn't do
Is leave you alone and miserable as hell.

There will be fights and there will be pain,
But what there won't be is insecurity
You will always know he's by your side
No fear of abandonment or infidelity.

You know you mean the most to him
And your word uttered can change his goal
Of all the things he can have or lose
Your forlorn face is his greatest toll.

Vacations and gifts are all appearances
Moments are what matters most
The times he put work and self behind
Are the times you cherish and boast.

He knows how to make you smile
When everything seems desolate,
Sometimes with a book, whisky, movie or chocolate
Sometimes with a sermon on fate.

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
It doesn't meant a lifetime of joy,
But you sure won't be lonely when blue.

... And I hope you find him (or her).

Cheers
Anuja

Ola October!

Hello my beauties.

Dassera is round the corner and Diwali festivities will soon begin; the cleaning and shopping has started awrite!

Top of the list is obviously stuff for the little one, and amidst the regular clothing and toy gifts, what's noteworthy is that the chap wanted Alexa so an Echo dot finds itself on its way to us. Mum wanted a mixer grinder to dish us some amazing chutneys and I placed that order with delight. I did think I deserved a new mobile device since I'd treated my old One Plus 3 very preciously and it had given up on me with a faulty front camera several years ago. So the Amazon sale tempted me with a brand new red One Plus 7. I realised much later it has no headphone jack, which added the cost of a wireless headset to my cart and expense. Oh and some books and garments. All a day's work. Ab Diwali duur kahaan...

With sales and offers running round the year, festivals are not really an occasion to purchase anything. These special days are excuses to cherish moments with your loved ones. Due to a bad marriage, I've missed cherishing the most important times of my life - birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, festivals...

The night of my wedding, I had a fallout with the man, and for many years later, I regretted going ahead with the ritual regardless. I missed the warm welcome and fun that accompanies moving to a new house and family since there was not a single soul to invite me home. I had to share my friends and family, since the man had nobody to call his own and no relation to offer to me as a new bride and partner. Seven years of marriage, and just a few occasions that were celebrated with peace and joy. Half the times he did not even wish me since we were fighting and most of my nights were spent cursing my destiny and crying my guts out.

My pregnancy was a nightmare despite my good health, and my postpartum days were depressed and lonely since the emotional abuse was abundant and endless. Even as I continued to work outside full time, manage the house and raise my son in the best way possible, I was always sad inside and missed a loving companion I could trust and rely on. Someone who was proud of me and valued me. Instead I was tolerated and misunderstood, criticised and ignored. I was lied to, and I was tortured mentally and physically, and each passing day had me convinced that life was worthless and hopeless. That I was not a good person. Any vacation and every family function was reduced to misery because of his whims and fancies. I almost came to a point where I considered I'd never be happy.

Sadly and shockingly, I thought I deserved it and chose to empathize with the villain of my story who treated me like trash. I actually believed that he was suffering and I was wrong. All for love. Stupid, unrequited love. Blind adoration. Mad obsession.

Or so I thought. Now that I think of it, it probably was ignorance and lack of experience on his part. He was just reacting and learning, with no precedent to follow and no experience to rely on. He thought he was wronged and I managed to blame him for most things.

I deserved someone who would stand up for me, not coz I needed to be protected but cos I was worth being respected. Someone who would appreciate me for my strengths and how I added to his life and happiness. But no matter what I did, whether to support him or celebrate him, be it 2 birthdays in a year or being there for him when his family and colleagues exploited him, reminding him of his goals and pushing him to achieve them, nothing was good enough. Misunderstandings were endless, and I doubt he ever realised who really cared for him and wanted the best for him. His blind worship of undeserving folks that he called friends and family made him lose us several times, but somehow destiny always brought us back together. It still hurts that we were so daft and turned our worlds upside down for people and matters that didn't really matter. We hurt each other, burnt our hopes and dreams in the pyre of our marriage to become a campfire for the ones that never cared... But I guess, good things come to those who wait. And we both needed time and a few hard knocks for good sense to prevail.

I'm happy I have such a strong capacity to adore someone so passionately and fully. I did it once, and then I did it again, multiple times with te same man. And eventually like a fairy tale, this has worked out perfectly. Better late than never. This was absolutely worth holding on to, and never letting go.

I suffered. As did he. So did my parents. And most of all, our child, who deserved better.

But enough about that again....

Let me tell you how much I've enjoyed reading The Last Mrs Parrish by Liv Constantine. The sisters that go by the pseudonym have done an amazing job, painting the picture of a love triangle and tracing the depth of different characters. The pages come alive as you read the woes and triumphs of the protagonist, both perspectives delivered with full justice and sincerity. Definitely worth reading, take my word. I'm going to return to my Harappa trilogy - the last one Kashi beckoning from my shelf, as Agatha Christie and Chandragupta await their turn.

I've been catching all the movies too. Latest was War starring Hrithik and Tiger Shroff. Good acting, average story, handsome hunks who dance well and fight better. Full marks for action that seems ridiculously overdone, but then with two Greek gods in the movie, they got to be milked for their worth.

Also watched Criminal Justice on Hotstar, some awesome acting there as well. Pankaj Tripathi and Jackie Shroff have taken the cake even as the main hero - Vikrant Massey hogs your empathy along with his supporting lady roles in the form of lawyer and sister.

So you see, months are flying, and there's not a dull moment. Every day for me is Thanksgiving day for being alive and for having a world of opportunities ahead of me.

The past can only bother you until you find a present with a future. You got to evaluate what you've learnt or lost after every decision and failure in life. If you've done your best, then you got to stop beating yourself over the miserable mistakes. It's only a matter of time before life offers you another chance at happiness.

Keep your eyes, arms and heart wide open, amigos. Adios!

Love
Anuja

September Rain

Hello everyone! 

Morya Morya is in the air - today is Ganesh Visarjan, such a blessed 10 days where Ganpati allowed us to host Him. Aarush is thrilled with the festivities and has learnt all the rituals and fanfare that accompany the Lord's worship. Takes after his granny!

He's blossoming into a fine, young lad, that boy. Feisty and compassionate, wise and smart, just and affectionate, expressive and multitalented - I am proud of him and I am troubled by him, too. He knows how to get his way, and he has a curious mind that doesn't give up. Discipline is the only thing that will decide which way he goes, for better or worse. As he turns 5, I can only hope for the best and do my best in raising him well.

It's been pouring in Pune and Mumbai. Floods and what not. A scary and difficult time. Hope you and everyone you know is safe.

I've had an active month so far. Lots of movies and shows, some reading and socializing, and lots of interesting work. The Prabhas blockbuster Saaho gave me an awful headache, which was healed by some hot toddy at Pune Cocktail Bar (Pavilion on SB road) followed by John Abraham in Batla House. Movie marathon after ages, I felt quite like a teenager in college! Chhichore was very entertaining - a brilliant cast, average and predictable story but executed so well that it makes your money worth it. I loved all the characters in the film, especially Sushant Singh - he's just so handsome and adorable. A man with a heart. Do they make them any more?!!

Men who definitely shouldn't be made - Kabir Singh, a movie remake infamous for its sexism and objectification of women. I felt some turmoil within as I watched. Shahid is great at portraying the character and you can't help liking him, knowing fully well that he abuses women and has no respect for anything or anyone. Women are nothing but a man's property and need to be submissive, that's the message, and the man gets the woman anyway is the takeaway. Despite his misbehavior and disregard, violence and addictions. Arijit's soulful songs make hating the movie harder. But here's my two cents - Kabir Singh is a man who can't communicate effectively and can't control his temper and violence. I've been at the receiving end. It's not pleasant. And there is no loyal friend or lovely song that can help you feel better. While men will idealize the protagonist, it's the women who need to drill down that this crap will not be tolerated or accepted. Obviously the movie missed mentioning that and raked in crores at the box office. India is still a backward country after all who think Arjun Reddy had to be made and then remade.

I watched Game of Thrones S1E1 the other day out of nostalgia, coz WINTER IS COMING... Still feels amazing and fresh!

I finally started Sacred Games S2 after procrastinating over confusion caused by mixed reviews. Seems okay so far (E3), let's see what next. Splitsvilla and Roadies remain my guilty pleasures, partly because there's Rannvijay Singha who I'm crazy about, but also since the participants can be a dumb and interesting lot who make the show amusing.

Baobab, Cult and Le Plaisir remain on my bucket list for when I meet friends and chill out, but I visited Garden of Edesia and Fat Labrador which were quite good. The rest of my time was spent on finishing Pralay from the Harappa series by Vineet Bajpai and I've recently started The Last Mrs Parrish by two sisters who go by the pen name Liv Constantine. 

So you see, it's been a busy and fulfilling time. The only thing that kept me back from calling it perfect was myself. You've heard of the quote - you're as happy as you want to be. In the midst of all that I was doing, I kept obsessing over my past like a child who throws tantrums over their favorite knife being taken away. It was harming me, but it brought some comfort in misery, making me feel like a martyr until I decided that companionship need not always come at a cost. There did not always have to be a compromise and sacrifice for every tiny joy you received as charity. Constantly making excuses for others and justifying their lack of action or interest was not healthy for me. And yet, change is hard, even for a trainer like me who coaches others through the process of Awareness, Desire, Knowledge, Ability and Reinforcement (ADKAR) and how to manage resistance. I keep thinking about what was and what could have been, getting mad over the idiocy of the man who I thought had potential to be so much more than a community helper without goals or a life of his own...

And there I go again... I keep telling myself I need to stop thinking, that is the biggest problem. But the mind has a mind of its own...

Keep trying, that's all we can do. 

Coz you don't go back to what broke you.

And you decide your worth.

What you feel < what you deserve.

Cheers

Princess

2019 - The Last Teen This Century

Hello Folks, Happy New Year!

Santa did not get me any gifts but guess who did... My Little Big Man. He just doesn't stop surprising me. The incredible angel. All of 4 years. Gave away his precious purse of coins to buy me a brand new two wheeler because my current (or last) one was 12 years old and not in the best of looks and performance. "Main aapko new Scooty dilaunga" he says, "and helmet bhi" - and he did not even think twice, bat an eyelid or hesitate as he handed over his complete collection of coins to me, every one of them. My heart went out to him and I marveled at his generosity. I'm blessed, and I often forget it. He is truly an angel sent from up above with a heart of gold.

My Uncle gifted me a black Scooty Pep + under his name on his birthday, December 9, 2016. 
My 4 year old son got me a shiny blue Scooty Pep + on December 31, 2018.   

The adults in my life offered and asked me to change my ancient bike, but words are just words, right? All the while that I spent trying to help others and fix their lives and problems, nobody worried even once about getting me something that was so integral to my own life. I have chosen not to drive, but nothing stopped my spouse and father from buying me a scooter, and yet they did not and my son did. The fact that he did not have enough money does not even count, because his intent and determination were greater than those of the responsible men in my family. I am not disappointed in anyone, but I am certainly hurt - don't people who are grateful and responsible deserve to be cared and gifted? Or does only the crying child get the milk?

Some motivation to grow up and take charge of your life... !

As I get older and wiser, I realize my temper and tongue are still aflame. I see things happening around me, things that are unfair, that are not good, but they happen anyway. Goodness is not always rewarded, and good people suffer at the cost of the bad ones. And yet, you continue to be good, coz that is who you are. I cannot say I am the perfect model for my son, but I do try to teach him well and he is a great kid. So worthy in fact, that I get to learn from him. He wins skating competitions and running races in school, but he wins hearts everywhere with his intelligence and kindness. God bless him, and I hope he doesn't get his heart broken by unworthy uncaring pricks that abound in the universe.  
 
And a thought as I close today:
Happiness is not something someone else can give you or visualize for you, you have to find it yourself, within yourself, create it for yourself.    

All the best in the pursuit of happiness this 2019.  
 
Cheerio!
Anuja

My Big Little Man

Happy Diwali, folks! (belated, sorry)

Exactly a month since I last wrote - caught in a whirlwind of activity, juggling work and home, festivals and routine. Aarush turned 4 last week, and I'm 1.5 months old in terms of NT age. Cheers to us!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - days don't pass, but years fly. I feel it when I see my son every single day. We don't think we're growing old, or our parents are getting older, but changes in kids are just so much more noticeable and adorable. From the gurgles to now complete sentences, superior Hindi and English vocabulary usage, arguments and comebacks - Aarush is a conversationalist's delight. And sometimes a bother, coz he's a chatterbox with no mute/stop button! He even sings to himself during solitary play or does running commentary and if I don't hear anything, I need to pop into his room and check if everything's okay and I generally find him asleep. Ha ha. 

The funniest words he's used recently are "Saba-naba Kich-di" instead of "Sabudana Khichadi" (= a sago delicacy frequently consumed during fasts, but also preferred otherwise). Oh he can very well enunciate "Sabudana Khichadi" but he insists that his teacher calls it "Sabanaba Kichdi" that's what it is, thank you very much. 

His favorite color is orange since birth, he loves shopping, especially for his car collection, and he is very clear about what he wants and doesn't. He does not like being touched, but he is obedient and inquisitive. You may call him shy the first time you see him, oh boy, wait till he is a little comfortable and you'll be enthralled by his energy and wit. "Your kid is not coming" - he said to a neighbor once, and "You don't care for your mother" - he told me when I chose to cross the road with him than his granny. Smart Alec.

Sonny boy made me immensely proud when he scored almost cent per cent marks in his school tests. Honestly, I would not mind much even if he got half as much. After all, I was a 90+%er all through school, and I don't think it matters at all now. Add to that, he joined the new school 3 months late, so my expectations were pretty low. Fortunately or unfortunately, he has set the bar high now, and I'm going to try and not let that color my future expectations from him! But he's a wiz, that chap - Hindi, English, coloring, writing, logic, sports, memory - you name it! Hurray.   

His EQ (emotional intelligence) is staggering, in my opinion. He's wiser beyond his years, more sensible and perceptive than most adults. (Could this be because he has immature, impulsive and aggressive parents, I wonder?)

He mediates fights, asks questions, seeks to understand, puts his point across, all very gently and honestly. He very expressive and sensitive as well, and I both, admire and fear this. Admire because he's such a beautiful human to be around, and fear because emotions bring more pain than joy in the world we live in. He is hurt when some kid refuses to play with him or doesn't do "dosti / batti". He is elated when someone else is happy, and he knows how to share and care. His demeanor with his little cousin and friends is marvelous and it almost nudges me to give him a sibling of his own, but no sirree - too high a price to pay for his companionship! I'm one and done. LOL. Got my own life, sanity and aspirations (and finances!) to consider, so no. At least not until circumstances change.


Circumstances.... all well, but nothing great. BAU (business as usual) but nothing that fires up the soul. Mild depression? Maybe. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and then there are days when I don't want to get up from the bed. I worry about my weight, and binge on junk. Life is on track, no REAL trouble, per se. Got the resources, lack the will. Have responsibilities, but no dreams. I do shopping for others, I pursue others goals and problems as my own. Passions of the past have vanished, I feel more like the side cast of the story supporting the lead characters than actually the hero of mine. I don't know if that is good or bad, but it sure feels like I'm whiling away my time without making my time and abilities count. Matter of time, I hope. Until then, it is Facebook and Instagram checking, Bingo showdown craze, Splitsvilla and Koffee with Karan reruns, and some Netflix now and then. Oh, and when I can summon the perseverance and patience, it is to read Perfect Love by Shubha Vilas and conclude The Curse of Bramha by Jagmohan Bhanver. Writing (book or blog) is (as you can see) right at the bottom of the list. Why repeat and harp on what you've said 100 times before? Right? 

Went to get my eyes checked - and here's the news... I've got glasses again, thanks to my screen obsession - TV, laptop, mobile. 6 years spec-free was thrilling, and I have no regrets about my eye surgery - it was worth every penny and worth all the effort. Back to spectacles for now.

And time for us to say adios...

Have a good one, fellas. 

Cheers!
Anuja

From Up Above

Hiya,

Happy Dassera, you'all!

Writing to you from mid air right now. (Obviously will post it once my flight lands!)

All I can see are diamonds and emeralds, rubies and sapphires. Busy moving jewels and endless streams of pearls. God must be delighted watching this scene from up above, day after day. 

God has also been more than kind to me, I do realize day after day. Maybe God favors the brave, or God helps those who help themselves. Either way, I accept the compliment (made by self) very graciously and thankfully. The pieces of my puzzled life have fallen together and I have crossed the eye of the storm to reach the calm. 

My new workplace seems fantastic, and while it's too early to say, I do believe 2 weeks is a good time to understand the true culture of a company and the people within. To put it in a nutshell, they've all made me feel so special and comfortable, it's like I belong here. And that's a huge statement, given that several people (and leaders) think the universe revolves around them and everyone else is second citizen or at their mercy. 

So, as 2nd Vice President at Northern Trust, I have joined the Enterprise Learning and Development team under the HR function. We're a lean team, and there's loads of exciting stuff in the pipeline so I'm totally looking forward to all my time of learning and network building. 12 years in the training domain have equipped me with reasonable expertise and my Master's in Psychology has bestowed me with fair insight to believe that this is going to be an exciting phase in my life. Not to mention, everybody who has blessed me and stood by me through times when the going wasn't so great. Change is the only permanent, my friend! Hang in there and good times will be here soon...

So, I'm in Bangalore for 2 weeks now, chilling at the Courtyard Marriott and working out of my office next door. What I did do in the short break before I joined NT, is enjoy a quick trip to Bhutan with my mum and offspring. While it wasn't the best vacation of my life (Ladakh was more mesmerizing and being with the superactive/stubborn duo was immensely tiring), it sure added to the stamps in my passport and enhanced my awareness about Buddha, the Divine Madman, and dzongs (=monasteries) in general. What probably stands out in my memory the most, is Punakha's Phallus obsession and the story of the Bhavachakra, as well as the surprisingly fresh air and juicy fruits and vegetables in Bhutan. There were many foreigners, especially at Taktsang monastery, famous as Tiger Nest - a huge edifice miraculously perched on top of a mountain, a trek that is not advised for the faint of heart and vigor. No doubt then that my mommy trounced the journey and added yet another feather to her magic stamina at 60 hat. The bash we threw at her birthday few weeks ago could well be mistaken for her 30th, LOL. What tenacity, what beauty, and what cooking skills! She's really a wonder. May she live long and healthy.

Coming up soon is Diwali and little Aaru's birthday. My new house is all ready and set to go on rent, since we've moved to a larger and posh-er apartment closer to my new workplace. So there, all sorted. The man is well, and a better man in many ways. We've caught up on some fun date nights at Kharadi's World Trade Center party destinations, and some films like Andhadhun (more frustrating than Brij Mohan Amar Rahe and Udta Punjab) and Badhai Ho (amusing one with great acting). We've also made the most of the Amazon shopping sale and other online scams. In a bid to save 20%, we have heartily spent 90% of our savings. Ha ha. Educated idiots, the bunch of us. Slaves of technology and trends. Bah.

And that's all I've got time for as we land in Namma Bengaluru. Talk to you soon. Ciao.

Cheers!

Anuja

Pause, Make it Large

I've been ambushed by wisdom in a bid to propel me towards positivity and peace.

Maybe God decided that he had to take things in his own hands, since I was not taking the hint from you'all regarding how dank and low I was sounding.

One lasting truth, that it's all temporary. Friendships, love, sorrow and loss. Come a bright new day, there will be new reasons to live and smile. No matter how much you weep into your pillow at night (or on a companion's shoulder if you're lucky), you will wake up the next morning with a flush of energy and a reason to go on. All you need to do, is remain in the present. Yesterday and tomorrow only bring pain and anxiety.

Isn't that why folks low in IQ tend to be happier? Coz they ruminate less. Enjoy the here and now. Quite a curse for us thinking lot, who attempt to understand the world and it's people, categorise and organise all that comes with it, before and later.

Maybe wisdom implies knowing when to switch off the thought process and just live the moment, without fear of judgement and burden of responsibility. You're doomed if you're conscientious and consider yourself answerable. The blissful lot throw caution to the winds, and give all they got to the people and situation in front of them. Prices could be paid later, but who cares?!

I thought I had my life all chalked out and ready, and I was well on my way to achieving all the milestones that resonate with a life well led and a path well tread. Turns out, everything is China ka maal, nothing comes with a warranty. You may get hitched and pop a kid all under 30, but no saying when your partner will decide he wants to be a bachelor again, leaving you behind to take care of yourself - emotionally, physically, financially - with a toddler in tow! Can't, for the life of me, imagine the trauma of single moms without family and financial support.

A belief that gives me tremendous strength is that everything is destined. Your wins, your losses, your joys and your sorrows. This can also put you down at times, coz it implies you're helpless. Yet, having tried to fight destiny, I can only say it's true and inescapable.

People who came and left, they were supposed to stay only a while, don't expect them to be there for you forever. Strangers become best friends, spouses become strangers. They were here to teach you something, to make you strong, to help you explore how good (or bad) you are capable of being. Allow them to teach you, and go. You move on, as well, to a better life with more calculated actions and consequences. Born alone, die alone, why fret over who did not (or did) stay a while? Paths cross, roads diverge, move on. You need no one to survive. Especially not baggage.

Everyone's journey is different. Some people are meant to be great, others are destined to be alone. Change what you don't like, if you cannot change it then accept it. Don't settle when something is not appropriate, don't compromise when someone is taking you for granted. You were not born to suffer for someone else's jubilation. 

Don't live up to someone else's expectations from you. Nobody will applaud you anyway. Few will stand by you, despite all odds. Don't go looking for the right one. They will come along when the time comes. If they are supposed to. And if they leave, so be it.  

Brands across the world want to sell you happiness. Buy Starbucks and feel like a queen, ride a Harley and feel like god. Buy at the mall and spend at the casino, party at the best clubs and travel to soothe your heart. It's all a ploy. Your happiness is within you. Everything else is temporary. Too often to hurt the people close to you for the sake of those that won't give you a second look once your objective in their life is met. Chill with a cuppa at home alone, or with the dog, or on the treadmill, or the kid, without bothering to look at the clock or WhatsApp.

Amitabh Bacchan often quotes his dad, and I think it is one very useful piece of advice: Life is a struggle every day, and as long as there is life, there will be struggle. Don't fight it, accept it as a challenge and emerge stronger. Also, if things go your way, good. If they don't, it's better, coz then it is going as per the Almighty's desire. 

Keep being, keep doing, keep feeling. You're stronger than you think you are.

You can deal with it all. You got no choice.

You should not cling to expectations, promises, people or situations.

Do not complain, do not demand. Just be. Accept. Not everything will go your way.

Not everything will go against you either.

Life, in the long run, is fair. You get what you deserve.

If you've done something wrong, apologize and set it right.

If something is weighing you down, say it out loud and be done with it.

If there is something that you can do, do it. For your own sake.

Coz you deserve to be happy.

Change is the only constant. And a relief. Move on.

A better life awaits, just stop looking at that darned close door.

Stop feeling like a victim. It's all meant to be. Misery. Ecstasy. Love. Conflict. Peace.

So said the Bhagavad Gita. And so many other philosophers.

Tuch aahes tujhya jivanacha shilpkar - Wamanrao Pai

Make it large!

Love,
Anuja

Explore and Be YOU!

I turned 32 this July. Makes me closer to 40, than 20. 

(No, there's no shame in asking a woman her age or a woman divulging it herself. Enough with these sweeping generalizations! So passe, and derogatory to women AND men of the new world ...)

While some would consider aging disheartening, I believe it's wonderful to be in your 30s - you're more sure about yourself and life in so many ways. People can only judge you now, they can't change you (for better or worse) and you know yourself and your goals with more clarity and honesty. Your childhood ambitions of being a celebrity have either been realised or not, by this time, and you have a fair idea of whether you will make it at all, thereby leading you to consider options more within your reach. For all you know, the old goal might not resonate with you anymore, and you find peace and passion in something alternative that you never imagined would be your calling.

When I look back now at my life, I see myself as a product of so many institutions and experiences. Unique, yet common. I was born and raised in Pune, like million other kids. Bullied like a few hundred. Teacher's pet, and the only one called Anuja Rathi. I went to Abhinava Vidyalaya and then Fergusson College, like thousand other folks. But I was among the few who scored a rank in merit, something that meant the world to me and my family then, but hardly matters now. Onward to a masters in Psychology and a career in training like hundreds of kin, where I am recognised as a model in my area of profession and social circle.

What's your USP?

What makes you unique? 

I don't obviously mean one in 7.6 billion (check this crazy clock!) or even one in 1.34 billion (that's India's count of today) - but at least one among many. What makes you YOU?

This couldn't possibly come out of your education or career, since there would be innumerable others that join the same institutions. It could not be hobbies either, unless there are some solid level achievements. For instance, Himanshu Agrawal from Mumbai made the largest origami giraffe in 2009, and set a world record. What remains unsaid, is that incidentally there were 9 others who helped him with this triumph, and did not get a mention despite being at it for 12 hours... 

So well, what's your selling proposition? 

If you don't know yet, it's time to find out. Explore yourself, ask what you have done that makes you proud and worthy. What do you carry within you that makes you someone to cherish? Or despise. Your wickedness is a USP, too, if you do it well enough. Depends on you whether you want to make it known and market it. There's always takers. For everyone. And everything. The price needs to be right, and the market needs to be discovered or created. 

Let me help you get some perspective. The typical hiring question posed my interviewers, "Why should we hire you?" What answer can you give that will get you a spot on the payroll or board of whatever?

There's bound to be at least one thing that makes you feel good about yourself. There could be many as well. Find them out, each one of them. That is your key to success.

Don't go by what others say about you, don't even start with "others call me/say I am ...." cos others don't know you really. Your inner voice will give you a true response. Others may know me as strong and certain, but I know how weak and lost I am inside. Who do I resonate with? Who feels more me? I am an ambivert, but a lot of people would tag me otherwise given my expressed personality and choice of profession. 

There's an interesting model called Johari window, where you (and others) learn about yourself and maximise the Open Arena. That could be a starting point. But I'm guessing that by this time, if you're still reading, you have already zeroed down to a few adjectives about yourself that are real, even if not acceptable to society or self. You may not want to reveal it, but by now, you do know it... What is it that sets you apart in your team/org/circle. Not merely describes you, but defines you. Figure out.

Your looks? What you wear? Whether you dance well or not? What are your vital stats? All temporary. Your confidence, now that's what stays. While many believe that women dress ti impress men, it's a long guarded secret that women want to look pretty first for themselves, and then for other WOMEN. Men be darned. 

Compliments and insults only hit, when you are insecure or assured about something, else they miss.

So, what is it that you bring to the table, partner?

Don't be afraid to be yourself. That's the best and only person you can be. There are too many others anyway....

Chin Up!
Anuja    

Burst of Happiness

... and yet again, the voice of the customer (VoC) tells me that my writing has become dark and gloomy, and that does resound with my (more or less consistent) current state. Totally unpleasant, I assure you. Not nice to read, but harder to endure and experience. 

Life's not all that bad though, despite my "why me" rants. I know people going through much more agonising shit and I applaud them for their tenacity and cheerfulness. Thank the Lord for good jobs, generous family and great friends - I'm blessed and often ungrateful. 

My days are made up of traveling to/from office, marveling at the antics of my growing superstar Aarush (he turns 3 soon!), creating content and sending loads of L&D communication at work, checking out videos and acquaintance updates on social networking, an episode or two of Game of Thrones (I'm on season 5 at the moment - loving Aria Stark and Olenna Tyrell and Tyrion Lannister, hating Cersei and Peter Baelish and can't quite make up my mind about Lord Varys and Jamie Lannister) and the weekly dose of Splitsvilla Season 10 (rooting for nobody in particular, but definitely hating Haneet and Alisha). Reading and writing has taken a complete backseat owing to my video obsession, a quick albeit brainless fix for boredom and laziness. 

Diwali was great - here, in Pune as well as in Bombay. We burst crackers (possibly more than we did last year, since Aarush is grown up and excited with fireworks left over from last time) Also had a good time with fam in Mumbai where I and Aaru traveled in Ola cabs and had a safe, economical, repeatable experience.

I watched Secret Superstar last week, a slow and emotional movie that feel short of the Aamir Khan brand but entertaining nevertheless. The song "Nachdi Phira" by Meghana Mishra is an absolute delight and never fails to make me cry. The state of Lavasa city also made me cry, because it is now a dilapidated ruin compared to what it was publicised earlier. How times change! Looking forward to Ittefaq this week and maybe some travel (pleasure/business) in the upcoming months.    

Aarush is a breeze of fresh air : we're reading about dinosaurs and his enunciation is way better than even mine! He makes me so proud, with his (often) well behaved and (over) communicative, handsome personality - nobody can keep their hands and eyes off the cheeky li'l pixie! He's the heart throb at home and outside, and his memory and maturity is second to none. I know a mom can be prejudiced, but you would know this is true if you've met him... He adores anything scary (just like mommy!) and relishes junk (again like mommy!) Be it painting or Tabata with me, or running around at daycare, bossing around with the grandparents or loving outdoor play - this child has a million hobbies and one. Just hoping that I live up to being a good mom to this amazing human. 

I've come across someone called Murali Sundaram - a happiness coach, as he calls himself. Subscribing to his daily digest has made me ponder on some simple aspects of life that we generally do not to introspect or notice. Some of his tips, that might benefit you as well, are shared below: 

* To stop brooding over painful memories, stop replaying the incident in your head, take deep breaths and remind yourself of a happy experience. Control your imagination and choose bliss rather than negativity (which as we know, is more powerful and permanent than the positives, hence needs more and mindful effort)

* Find fault if you wish to increase happiness; not fault in others, but fault in self. Take responsibility of your behavior and thought. 

* Change your attitude from WHY to WHAT. Rather than saying "Why did it happen to me?" (which is my top favorite currently) - ask "What have I learnt from this? What do I need to do now?" - focus on the future, not the past and dwell on action than blame. 

* Planning and preparation coupled with meditation are the most effective tools to make your life productive, successful and happy. It's tougher than it sounds, and you will fail - but don't give up. Just like life does not give up on you.

... and there is lots more, feel free to browse should it interest you. 

See you another day!

Cheers, 
Anuja   

Why Me?!!

I know this is a ridiculous and foolhardy question, especially when thousands are battling for their health and existence worldwide. But you tend to compare yourself with those up the ladder, and not below. Human nature, what you got is never enough and the grass is always greener on the other side...

The normal reactions of dealing with any change (as I learnt in my own Change Management class) are Shock, Anger, Resistance, Acceptance, Action and Monitor Progress. I seem to have gone through the entire cycle - but the loop keeps bringing me back to Anger after Action.

I was told by my friends and social circle that I'm a model for others, that I seem to have my act together, and I inspire others. Time for me to reveal just how fragile and vulnerable I am. Day after day. Slogging on. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Praying things work out okay and I manage to be happy. At peace. I fail. Every single (or alternate) day.

I wasn't born into an affluent family, though I did not have to make any major sacrifices or strive tremendously hard for anything. Yet, at the back of my mind, I always knew money was scarce, and I had to be careful about my future and expenses. I was bullied at school by my classmates for being dark complexioned and at home by my brother coz I was the ideal kid for my parents. My life was focused around making my family proud of me, and getting off their back as soon as possible to relieve them of duty and stress. Made me an immensely adaptive child in Transactional Analysis terms, even as I maintained my Free Child spirit. I was inwardly introvert and scared, though confident and carefree externally. I hated my childhood and could not wait to grow up.

I started doing odd jobs in college to earn pocket money, this included doing day jobs in marketing promotions and writing the odd article/poem in local newspapers to earn fame and finance support. I was excellent at academics, and ironically everything I worked hard for, I could not achieve - the scholarships in school and college, important job interviews, study abroad opportunities and relationships, whether friendly or romantic. Nothing lasted. I always felt incomplete, unaccomplished. Nothing really mattered. Nothing really gave pleasure. Not those silly parties that others boasted off, endless clubbing that makes teens feel liberated, and I did not possess the selfless streak to engage in social service and stuff.

I got married for love. I was elated that I'd finally nailed it. Made something of my life that would bring me happiness and complete me. Karma wasn't done testing me or maybe my sins were not repaid yet. I fought society and my parents to marry my spouse and his family. My husband abandoned me, sometimes for his colleagues and other times for his family. I couldn't wrap my head around it - how could somebody that was my world, be so uncaring towards me and not be concerned or responsible for how I felt and what I wanted? How could I be ignored and abused all the time? The few moments of joy that I was blessed with, made me feel it was all worth it, that the strife and conflicts were normal and happened in all relationships. That marriages survived, and spouses were meant to be for life.

Unloved. Unwanted. Fighting and demanding things. From my own husband who treated me like I did not matter. That I did not belong. I remained incomplete.

Educated and intelligent - I think I am extremely unworthy of these tags. If I was, I probably would not have to go through all that I have. I thought illiterate, helpless women in slums were abused and exploited, and made stupid decisions. I chose to have a baby when things were already fragile between me and my husband. I should have quit right then, rather than spoiling my life plus one. I knew my in laws were hopeless, manipulative creeps and I chose to bring another being under their sick influence. I got to get an award for being so dumb. I got a son, a beautiful and amazing creature, a gift from the gods to make my life worth living and loving.

I have given up trying to explain myself to anyone, but it hurts you know. It hurts to be so misunderstood and disliked for being genuine. I return kindness a 100 fold and try to be a forgiving, optimistic person. I fail on most days, like today. But I go on, hope creeps in, in one form or the other and gives me strength to survive another day.

I admire people who have been dealt the worst in life, and they still take in their stride and trudge on with a smile on their face.

Thankfully, there are some people who understand and appreciate me for who I am, but the majority cannot deal with it, and it's okay.

What is not okay is that my misery seems endless.

I know joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin, and one follows the other, neither stays forever. I'm praying that happy days arrive soon, and stay awhile, helping me gather strength for any more difficulties that lie ahead.

Coz we're all equal, and have our own troubles, and God stands by our side through thick and thin.

We shall get through this :-)

And I did! The best way to mend your mood is to do something for someone else.

After a long time, I did Tarot reading sessions for some of my acquaintances and helping them instantly raised my spirit. I can't help solve your problems, but I can help you find hope and be prepared for what lies ahead. And sometimes, that's enough.

Stay strong!

Cheers,
Anuja

End of the World

It was predicted that the world would end in 2012. 

It didn't. 

I got married that year. Probably the end of my days of peace and fulfilment.

There are so many events that spell doom for us, and we think if such and such thing happens, then my life is over. 

When I was in school, one of my umpteen teen secrets was that I couldn't for the life of me, memorize the multiplication table of 17. I was so sure that everyone else but me knew all tables by rote that it distressed me no end. Now when I look back, I barely recall having used the table in all my growing up years. But back then, it was something that appeared a major obstacle in my education, career and reputation. (Little did I know that my peers and elders did not know the math tables of 13, 14, 15 and 16 either, and anyway what are calculators for?!!) 

That's just a tiny example, one of many that would spring to your mind as well, when something seemed unsurpassable and daunting.  

Right now, as my son displays all wonders and disasters of toddlerhood, there are so many things that stand out as "can do" and "cannot do", and become benchmarks for moms who enjoy (or can't help) comparing their kids with others. I've never been one of those moms, I knew my child would cross his milestones as and when he was ready, and sooner or later, all kids are able to do everything that is required of them. (All of us grew up just fine, didn't we, no matter what our scores in school, no matter what our experiences in life.) Some of us did better than the others in certain fields, and the others are happier though they may not have done anything that seems extraordinary to the rest. I know my classmates who flunked in school while I scored near perfect marks, and now they're settled in all parts of the globe, earning probably way more than I do, and ticking off items in their wishlists and their lucky spouses' too! Life's fair, everything balances out in the long run. 

Coming out of the closet and divulging the truth about yourself to society is a fate worse than death to our earlier generations. Everything was swept under the rug, and people pretended everything was fine, just so that society did not look at them funny or criticise them. Fortunately, our generation is more honest and upfront about confessing our realities - be it our sexual orientation, marital status, career preference, life goals, etc. Our parents may not approve, but most of them do support us and allow us that blessed chance to do what our hearts say. Society, that comprises folks like our parents, thus follows suit and while they still whisper behind closed doors, stories are forgotten and new ones take their place. 

I had an inter-caste marriage, much to the agony of my family: blood as well as in-laws, for various reasons. But since many youngsters then chose partners across religions, I did not ruffle too many feathers. I thought it was the start of my happily ever after. It was cursed even before it started, and over the years, I realised that I would regret this union, though I'd skipped the regret of not having taken a chance (which is a lot more common). 

For 3 years I tried to make it work, sometimes alone, sometimes with the help of the "wonderful" (ex) husband (who objects to being mentioned on this blog, though he religiously stalks me here since I've blocked him on Facebook and WhatsApp and my real life, and threatens to sue me for defamation, for citing things that I've experienced in real. Bollocks! All he wants is to avoid paying maintenance for the kid, just like he avoided all duties and responsibilities of husband-hood and fatherhood. Which I'm okay with! Good riddance to bad shit, even at the cost of an arm and a leg.) 

My marriage was not meant to be. I should have quit many years ago, but hope and the shame of divorce kept me going. I felt that a love marriage (or any marriage, for that matter) should never end. It was a promise for life. End of a marriage, meant end of the world (yet again). 

Had I been sensible and known that I'd have to change my opinion, I'd have changed it sooner and saved a beautiful creature from being impacted. But well, this angel being there is a blessing to me as well. Plus the knowledge of how tolerant, how wicked and how loving I can be, which was an eye opener for me as well.  

Oddly, they talk about mutual consent divorce. How can divorce be mutual consent, why does it need to be? If one person lets go off the handshake, there is no handshake - it does not depend on the other person withdrawing his hand or not. Marriage needs to be mutual consent, not divorce. And divorce is not the end of the world like I thought it was. It is the end of my sacrifices and suffering, and I have come to terms with it. My dear husband probably hasn't, since he doesn't want to let me go free, though he's the one desirous of freedom and no-strings-attached-relationships.

So separation - better late than never. I'm not the only one, and I am definitely one of the luckier ones, who at least have a choice, and means, reasons and ways to survive. Better than those couples who stay together due to limitations and helplessness, and certainly better than couples who pretend to be together but are more distant than strangers. "Choosing to be miserable together than happier alone", as I read on Scoopwhoop, and exactly my condition up until last year...  

We all have our reasons. We all have our methods. We all choose to sanction some things, and we detest some others. We are all right. We are all wrong. And we all co-exist. Our perspectives change, our wisdom rises above the petty and prejudices.

And the world only ends when we stay stuck, refusing to move on. Find your miracle, be your saviour. Uncover your strengths and reveal your dreams. Nothing can hold you back, if you really want to be happy. The world only ends when you lose faith.  

The world ends. For you.

Reality? It is always alive. Never dies. Never will. No matter what. Even if you cease to exist, the world shall still go on. So don't take yourself too seriously, don't beat yourself up over your mistakes and bad decisions. It was all meant to happen. You were supposed to learn those lessons and experience that anxiety and pain, all so that you could be who you are today, better than yesterday, ready for tomorrow. 

Smile and say hello, it's a beautiful world. And it's immortal. 

(You're not . So make every day count, and enjoy each moment.) 

Cheers!
Anuja

A Decade of Blogging

Hi there, 

I've been on Blogger.com for a decade! Hurray!

That I have not written frequently enough is another tale altogether, but I am delighted that people across the globe visit, stay and return to  550+ posts on "Life..."

I cannot thank you enough, and I do hope I bring you pleasure and reflection in your good and not so good times. Blogging is catharsis to me, and a responsibility as well, especially when someone tells me that they read a post or remind me that I haven't expressed in a while. Heartfelt gratitude. You are my motivation to write, despite my long absences. To each one of you, thank you!

Albeit a cliche, life's a roller coaster, in so many ways more than one, and we meet some amazing and not so amazing people on the way. I look back at all that's happened and all that I have done in my 3 decades of life, and it's been crazy! So much learning, so much heartache, so many joys and so much to be grateful for. But I'm not going to make this a boring, philosophical post. I'm going to tell you what I've been up to this past month. 

(Yes, it's been 4 weeks. Sorry.)

To take my adrenaline rush up a notch and tick another item in the deep bucket list I got, I went to Andaman and experienced scuba diving. Remember Hrithik and Kareena in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara? That's exactly what I did, and I felt exactly as petrified as Hrithik underwater. I had a wonderful instructor, goes by the name Steve, and is from Bangalore, though he spends more than 11 months in a year on the archipelago away from civilization, blissful among the flora and fauna under the sea. He kept me alive and gave me strength as I cruised below the surface of the water, worried about my next breath, trying to enjoy the sight of fish, octopus, anemones and other creatures. It was beautiful, but I'm never doing it again! Scary as hell, even if you know swimming, which you don't need to know. Throw me off a plane a 100 times and I'll be excited, but I'm never going underwater again. You can't open your mouth to talk or scream, and that's not my idea of a great place to be! I'm a trainer after all, and I need to have full use of my mouth, no matter where I am! Only breathing through my mouth - no, not good enough. 

Apart from that, I had fun under the sun with my son on the beach amidst the sand, making castles and enjoying the waves. We're baked brown and happy for this break, which I desperately needed for my sanity and peace. I've been working and fighting some personal battles for more than a long time, and this vacation helped me rejuvenate, re-energize and renew myself. Thank god (again) for such opportunities and possibilities. 

Review of the Andaman islands - It's a gorgeous destination, just as pretty and more economical than other phoren locations which they show on TV and advertise in movies. Havelock beaches are a must visit, and we also stayed at a wonderful resort called Summer Sands at Neil island. We also visited Mangrove and Lighthouse beaches (since Elephant beach is closed almost all year). The blue, green waters and clean beaches - you can see multicoloured fish with the naked eye right at the surface of the water! Apart from multiple beaches with water sports, you got the Cellular Jail with a very painful story and an okay-ish light and sound show, some aquariums and museums in Port Blair. Food can be a problem for pure vegetarians, and the hotels though 3 and 4 star, have limited facilities owing to transport and connectivity challenges. I would definitely recommend Andaman and Nicobar to beach lovers.

Now it's back to work and life, where a difficult battle awaits since my marriage is on the rocks and my soon to be ex husband is harassing me and refusing to sign the mutual consent papers in court. I've suffered for 3 years, been in depression and taken care single-handedly of my son along with a full time job, but that suffering apparently is not enough according to my amazing spouse and he'd like to teach me a lesson. Looks like all his adultery, desertion and abandonment, physical and verbal abuse, dowry and in-law harassment doesn't qualify as adequate torture. I wanted to keep it clean despite all this and not press charges, but he is determined to not let me go "easy". All those times I cared and pampered him were insufficient, cos he wanted to go on secret holidays with his girlfriends from work, leaving the ill kid alone at home with me for days and abuse me for his failures and incompetence in every area of life. Bring  it on partner. I've got God, my parents and my son on my side. I'm sure this will end well for me and I hope it keeps you afloat, if not buried 6 feet under. Karma shall play its cards in time.

Must have come as a shock to many of you, since I always have a smile on my face and a spring in my step. But it's been hard. And now I'm ready for all that life throws my way. I know I deserve someone much better, more cultured, loving and wise. Akhilesh was my mistake - I was warned by everyone I knew. I'm paying the price for this, but my biggest regret is that Aarush has to suffer as well. Nobody can make up for a father's place in life, no matter how much love and values are provided by the mother and grandparents. Guess that's his destiny too, and it's all for the best. Being a divorced, single mom caused me much worry and panic earlier, but it's been 3 months since I've accepted it and built a new life. The heavens up above are merciful, and I know it is going to get better.    

Reading and writing, everything obviously has taken a backseat at this point in time. With so many restaurants and joints mushrooming everywhere in the city, I've had a chance to visit Urban Foundry/Terttulia in Baner (just like any other, to be honest) and Raasta Cafe (which had a better ambience and spread). Despicable Me 3 was a letdown after the first two laugh riots, and that sums up my recreational activities. I do watch Roadies Rising and Sarabhai Take 2 now and then, but my days are full of work and Aarush on loop.  

Each one of us has his/her own troubles, some more difficult than the rest. I know you will get through them, be strong. Keep the faith, like God told Joshua in the Bible. You may not see the progress, you may think nothing is happening behind those walls. But trust me, at the end of it, God will set it right. You will be happy. 

And so will I.

Lots of love,
Anuja

Being Alive

Call it destiny or call it timing, I last wrote to you about all the jazzy pubs and resto's I'd been to, and as it happens, most of them are now going sober due to the rule which states no alcohol selling/consumption close to highways. 

(I'm sure that's not stopping the "dedicated" boozers and sellers. Where there is one rule, there are ten ways to flout it. Human mentality!)

I'm writing to you after quite a hiatus. Been busy (yet again) with work, travel (Bangalore pub-hopping and staff connects) and home. The kid is in his troublesome two's and it's a pain even to survive, forget blog and do something fun. However, I seem to be managing pretty okay with mt work-life balance. I recently went paragliding with some colleagues to Kamshet, and was it an otherworldly experience! Truly thrilling and adrenaline-racing! Right from the fun local train ride to the trek uphill to the flying platform and back home by auto. 

I enjoyed my aerosport experience with Indus paragliding and you can locate them online. They charge about 3000 bucks as do most others in the vicinity, and it's called tandem paragliding, which means a trained pilot flies with you steering and manoeuvring while you only sit and drink in the sights and excitement. I was lucky to find a Nepali pilot who did everything imaginable on the flight, including somersaults and swinging to and fro, and going to heights and dips. I guess I should also thank my weight, because my poor colleague was almost denied a ride as she was underweight and hence a risk to take off and land owing to the breeze. The ideal weight, I believe is 60-80 kgs so here's a reason to celebrate your kilos!

I realised many things on the trip and during the flight, and I'm going to share them with you just in case they change something in you or resonate within you. Life is too short to keep complaining about what's happening and what's not, who did what to you, and why things did not work out. There is no point in waiting for that one single person to fulfil your dreams and imagination. Be your own hero, take charge of your life. Find the time to do things that you love. Everything else will fall in place. There are many new friends waiting for you to take the first step and plan something that you've always wanted to do but never managed to tick off your bucket list. Just take the plunge. It might fail, but it might succeed too. And once it does, it will be a memory for life and maybe friends for a lifetime.

I found out that what makes me feel alive is not just random peregrinating, but a bloodrush when I engage in something thrilling. 

Paragliding was one, and I topped it with Nitro and Scream at the Imagica theme park in Khopoli. The tickets are expensive, so try to visit on  weekday, especially as groups/students so that you get some discounts. In any case, my paisa vasool moment was when I was lifted in the air and plunged to the ground face first on the 360 spiral of the Nitro rollercoaster. Ditto on the Scream which swings and rotates like a massive pendulum making your hair sway and your heart dance. While I skipped most rides since Aarush could not join (he was short of 3 inches and entered free as he's not yet 3), the day sure was refreshing. I also went to the kiddy rides - TeaCup ride and Magic Carousel, Rajasaurus (slow documentary boatride with crazy, wet climax!) and Wild West (okayish after Nitro). I would like to go back for sure and check all the other rides and the Aqua water park next door. Oh and FYI - the restaurant is pretty decent since you are forbidden to carry any outside eatables, and you don't really need an Express pass which is even costlier than the regular ticket. Must visit, so much better than Esselworld and truly a world class destination!

Planning some underwater adventure soon... Won't tell you where and how. But you know I will stop by again, soon. 

Oh and for the record, I watched the spooky Dobara (inspired by Occulus) and visited Bannerghata National Park (amazing safari!) in Bangalore replete with white and Indian tigers, elephants, lions and bears. I finished reading Grown Up by Gillian Flynn (writer of Gone Girl) and it's a great short story, with my entire theme of thrill and chill. 

Be happy, enjoy the rains. See you when I see you :-) 

Love,
Anuja    

Almost the new year... and yet the same old

Heya!

The year has gone by real fast, as I've undoubtedly mentioned a hundred times before :-) 

And I look back to see how I've fared, managed to accomplish a fair bit as a mother and professional, and tried to be a better friend, wife, daughter, etc. Evaluating my success on these criteria is outside the scope of this post, and my head, so let me look at how I'm feeling at the end of it. 

Working moms like me, how are you doing? 

I often end up feeling like I'm missing on so many things in life choosing to juggle my home and office work. The financial and intellectual independence that my job affords me takes its toll on my social presence and connects. I look at womenfolk in my apartment mingling with each other and talking non stop about issues that I cannot make head or tail of, since their conversation started in the kitty last week and will (hopefully) find a resolution by the kids play date the following week. Try as I might, I can't hold a complete conversation with them, because our lives are so different and so are the priorities and recreation. 

When I ask myself, do I really want to sit with them every afternoon gossiping over a cup of chai? The answer is no, but what sometimes makes me feel a tad disappointed is that I don't have opportunities to have many adult conversations once I'm off work. You either are a working mom with no social life in the evenings, or you're a housewife mom with loads of time with other women of the same clan keeping you company. I'm sure each category has their own cribs and benefits. I'm not passing judgements on anyone, just making my voice heard about how it feels to not have a chance. 

Apparently, they can't shift their get togethers to a more comfortable time for us professionals since they need to be home with their families, and that makes sense. But a little adjustment on both sides, well, that could do the trick and give us all a fair exposure to understand each other better and form firm friendships, at least given the physical proximity.

I keep waiting for weekends to do something different, spend time with the man and catch up with friends. Something I am sure all women (working or homebodies) experience. Of course, there are the independent ones that make things happen for themselves and don't need anyone else to get the ball rolling...

But for us who await weekends to be with family - A tough task since the home chores and shopping beckons, the man has official offsites over weekends, and friends (who are mostly in other social groups, unmarried or kid-free) have their own plans. Moms like me, do you also feel the pinch? 

I keep telling myself this is only for a short while. 

Aarush will be grown up soon and then I can start with my own social commitments, but wont it be too late then? People will already have moved on, and I will be stuck. 

I tried connecting with a few groups on FB and WhatsApp which was like a mom-connect. Disengaged myself the very next day. I was looking for some meaningful conversation, plan some get togethers with kids and feel more included and enriched. But what do they do there? Share random pictures of themselves and their families, discuss nonsense nonstop so that working moms open their phones and see 474 unread pings which are absolute crap...

No win win solution, is there?

Maybe I'm the odd one out. 

Maybe this is the time I need to only focus on what my job, family and kid wants of me, and then there will be a time when I can live for myself. 

Maybe. 

Until then...

Back to routine. The job, a few books and movies, random surprises and plans which actually work out.

Adios!

Asta La Vista
Princess