Smile Divine

That smile... It touched my heart,

I felt warm, I was glowing,

Just with that smile of yours,

You made me smile.

I looked carefully, trying to unravel,

What was it about that smile,

I felt like a teenager with her first crush,

That mad rush of ecstasy.

It made me want to fly,

And run in the wild outdoors,

Thanking the lord for the sun and breeze,

Life seemed perfect, 

Just with that smile of yours.

The way your eyes crinkled,

When you smiled and looked away,

Pure innocence, more than a child,

Beauty personified.

Never have I seen a view,

As pretty as your smile,

My heart beat fast,

My mind wanders to thoughts unbenign,

So unlike me, unladylike,

I want to laugh with you,

Loud and free,

And hold your face in my hands,

Touch your lips, look into your eyes,

Draw you close,

As you continue to smile.

I feel so brave, and helpless, I can't stop,

As you smile, you make me want to go further,

Not caring what happens next,

I could hug you, but then I won't see that smile,

And I can't stop looking at it,

It's magical, has me spellbound,

That smile.

Time flies as you continue to smile,

Your words fall on deaf ears,

I'm distracted, I try to concentrate,

But your smile steals my senses.

Pure rapture throbbing in my veins.

I can't wait to see it again.

That smile.

I've found my drug, I'm addicted.

You blush, and I can't help staring,

You could make me do anything with that smile.

The thought of not seeing it again makes me desolate.

We're strangers, and yet,

I'm in love with that smile.

And I can't wait to see it again....

- Princess

Fantasy

You confessed how much you love me,

And how I mean to you, the world,

You draw me close, so gently,

Turning mine upside down.

Your body beneath my touch,

Shimmering like a jewel,

My breath, rugged and hard,

I'm feeling ecstatic, wild, drunk,

Basking in your bewitching warmth.

Nothing means more than you to me,

I hope it lasts forever, this moment,

So perfect, so divine,

Where I'm yours, you're mine.

A shiver runs down my spine,

Threatening to make me lose control,

Each word you say sounds magical,

Every sound echoes in my veins,

I could just as well be your shadow,

You've got total control,

I don't belong to me no more.

The way you look at me, that smile,

That wonder, glorified,

As if I'm the air you breathe,

And the last drop on the parched sand,

You grasp me tight, that wicked embrace,

I feel pain, I'm safe, 

Surrounded by your love,

That you won't tire of professing,

Day after day after yet another day.

Is this a dream come true,

Is this my destiny coming alive,

The love that I yearned for,

Is finally all mine.

- Princess

Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Oh to find the one you love....

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
Come rain or shine, this single soul
Makes all your hopes come true.

He keeps you warm when the nights are cold
And becomes the cool breeze in summers
He knows value lies in depth and feeling
Not in money or numbers.

It's not about those good times
Or the parties you went to,
It's about the times you cried on his shoulder
And he knew what to say or just sob along too.

He supports you when the goin gets tough
And when you're wrong as well
The only thing he doesn't do
Is leave you alone and miserable as hell.

There will be fights and there will be pain,
But what there won't be is insecurity
You will always know he's by your side
No fear of abandonment or infidelity.

You know you mean the most to him
And your word uttered can change his goal
Of all the things he can have or lose
Your forlorn face is his greatest toll.

Vacations and gifts are all appearances
Moments are what matters most
The times he put work and self behind
Are the times you cherish and boast.

He knows how to make you smile
When everything seems desolate,
Sometimes with a book, whisky, movie or chocolate
Sometimes with a sermon on fate.

Oh to find the one you love....
And the one who stands by you.
It doesn't meant a lifetime of joy,
But you sure won't be lonely when blue.

... And I hope you find him (or her).

Cheers
Anuja

Ola October!

Hello my beauties.

Dassera is round the corner and Diwali festivities will soon begin; the cleaning and shopping has started awrite!

Top of the list is obviously stuff for the little one, and amidst the regular clothing and toy gifts, what's noteworthy is that the chap wanted Alexa so an Echo dot finds itself on its way to us. Mum wanted a mixer grinder to dish us some amazing chutneys and I placed that order with delight. I did think I deserved a new mobile device since I'd treated my old One Plus 3 very preciously and it had given up on me with a faulty front camera several years ago. So the Amazon sale tempted me with a brand new red One Plus 7. I realised much later it has no headphone jack, which added the cost of a wireless headset to my cart and expense. Oh and some books and garments. All a day's work. Ab Diwali duur kahaan...

With sales and offers running round the year, festivals are not really an occasion to purchase anything. These special days are excuses to cherish moments with your loved ones. Due to a bad marriage, I've missed cherishing the most important times of my life - birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, festivals...

The night of my wedding, I had a fallout with the man, and for many years later, I regretted going ahead with the ritual regardless. I missed the warm welcome and fun that accompanies moving to a new house and family since there was not a single soul to invite me home. I had to share my friends and family, since the man had nobody to call his own and no relation to offer to me as a new bride and partner. Seven years of marriage, and just a few occasions that were celebrated with peace and joy. Half the times he did not even wish me since we were fighting and most of my nights were spent cursing my destiny and crying my guts out.

My pregnancy was a nightmare despite my good health, and my postpartum days were depressed and lonely since the emotional abuse was abundant and endless. Even as I continued to work outside full time, manage the house and raise my son in the best way possible, I was always sad inside and missed a loving companion I could trust and rely on. Someone who was proud of me and valued me. Instead I was tolerated and misunderstood, criticised and ignored. I was lied to, and I was tortured mentally and physically, and each passing day had me convinced that life was worthless and hopeless. That I was not a good person. Any vacation and every family function was reduced to misery because of his whims and fancies. I almost came to a point where I considered I'd never be happy.

Sadly and shockingly, I thought I deserved it and chose to empathize with the villain of my story who treated me like trash. I actually believed that he was suffering and I was wrong. All for love. Stupid, unrequited love. Blind adoration. Mad obsession.

Or so I thought. Now that I think of it, it probably was ignorance and lack of experience on his part. He was just reacting and learning, with no precedent to follow and no experience to rely on. He thought he was wronged and I managed to blame him for most things.

I deserved someone who would stand up for me, not coz I needed to be protected but cos I was worth being respected. Someone who would appreciate me for my strengths and how I added to his life and happiness. But no matter what I did, whether to support him or celebrate him, be it 2 birthdays in a year or being there for him when his family and colleagues exploited him, reminding him of his goals and pushing him to achieve them, nothing was good enough. Misunderstandings were endless, and I doubt he ever realised who really cared for him and wanted the best for him. His blind worship of undeserving folks that he called friends and family made him lose us several times, but somehow destiny always brought us back together. It still hurts that we were so daft and turned our worlds upside down for people and matters that didn't really matter. We hurt each other, burnt our hopes and dreams in the pyre of our marriage to become a campfire for the ones that never cared... But I guess, good things come to those who wait. And we both needed time and a few hard knocks for good sense to prevail.

I'm happy I have such a strong capacity to adore someone so passionately and fully. I did it once, and then I did it again, multiple times with te same man. And eventually like a fairy tale, this has worked out perfectly. Better late than never. This was absolutely worth holding on to, and never letting go.

I suffered. As did he. So did my parents. And most of all, our child, who deserved better.

But enough about that again....

Let me tell you how much I've enjoyed reading The Last Mrs Parrish by Liv Constantine. The sisters that go by the pseudonym have done an amazing job, painting the picture of a love triangle and tracing the depth of different characters. The pages come alive as you read the woes and triumphs of the protagonist, both perspectives delivered with full justice and sincerity. Definitely worth reading, take my word. I'm going to return to my Harappa trilogy - the last one Kashi beckoning from my shelf, as Agatha Christie and Chandragupta await their turn.

I've been catching all the movies too. Latest was War starring Hrithik and Tiger Shroff. Good acting, average story, handsome hunks who dance well and fight better. Full marks for action that seems ridiculously overdone, but then with two Greek gods in the movie, they got to be milked for their worth.

Also watched Criminal Justice on Hotstar, some awesome acting there as well. Pankaj Tripathi and Jackie Shroff have taken the cake even as the main hero - Vikrant Massey hogs your empathy along with his supporting lady roles in the form of lawyer and sister.

So you see, months are flying, and there's not a dull moment. Every day for me is Thanksgiving day for being alive and for having a world of opportunities ahead of me.

The past can only bother you until you find a present with a future. You got to evaluate what you've learnt or lost after every decision and failure in life. If you've done your best, then you got to stop beating yourself over the miserable mistakes. It's only a matter of time before life offers you another chance at happiness.

Keep your eyes, arms and heart wide open, amigos. Adios!

Love
Anuja

Shame and Scandal

Hi Folks,

For the first time ever, I attended a live comedy show, Pune Comedy Festival 3.0, and it was a memorable experience. 

While Kunal Kamra stole the show with his political witticisms, Biswa Kalyan Rath - hubby's favorite - was pretty amusing, too. His style is crude and therefore funny, and obviously abuses make up the crux of the content for all comedians out there. There were some others like Abish Mathew (more hype than meat) and Jeeveshu Ahluwalia (more childhood stories than gags). Daniel Fernandes and a couple of newbies were part of the performing clan, and it was an evening well spent. 

The venue was huge - Royal Palms on Koregaon Park road, but the washrooms were terrible, and I'm never going back again on that count. You charge a bomb for tickets, you extort more money for food and refreshments, then the least you can do as organising committee and event venue is to have better toilets. Those mobile, plastic closets with no lights inside, placed in dingy corners do NOT qualify as safe or usable. Shame.

( Don't know Game of Thrones? Watch all seasons now before the finale next year! Winter is Coming ... )

There's this park I used to frequent in my previous residential area, and there's this young love that I enjoyed watching bloom. 

Now I understand that what appears a matter of life and death (literally!) at that age, appears so amusing and silly to you when you grow up to middle age.

( Yes, I am middle-aged and I know it. The greys don't excite me, but the thought that I am wiser and non-materialistic has its thrill. )

So, this boy and girl, both in their mid teens, meet up (almost) everyday in the park, and while their friends go doing their games and banter, this pair sits under the tree discussing sombre stuff or announces their romance discreetly in Romeo-Juliet style, balcony et al.    


That the boy is lovestruck is evident in the way he tries to play it cool and suave, macho yet courteous, but his bulk doesn't entirely give him the superhero, world savior look. The girl couldn't care less about that coz she is hopelessly impressed with his style, and her simplicity and spontaneity, accompanied with a little shyness, do little to conceal her emotions. They're a feast to the senses, the way they talk a tad too casually like they don't care, yet switch in a second to become overly concerned, how they flirt without flirting, and care without wanting to show it openly. If you've been in love, you'll know what that means.     
So, while Aarush is frolicking in the sand, I walk away so that I don't lose my calm with all the specks flying around and getting in his hair and clothes, and that is when I overhear these love birds, talking about how seriously one takes life, or how busy one is with studies, and generally, the one is the girl, and the guy dishes out wisdom in truckloads. The girl watches him with stars in her eyes, and he talks like he's Bill Gates reincarnated. 

Now don't go judging me, coz I really do not intend to pry, but the chap does speak too loudly, and the park is only so big that I end up covering the circumference in 5 minutes or less. 

The other day he started off his rant with "Yaar main itna depress ho jata hu, tum log itna jaldi kyu shadi karte ho?"

( = "I'm depressed, why do you guys wed so soon?" )

I was deeply concerned about a couple of things here. 

What do these kids know about depression? Has the word lost importance since I last knew it? Did he not mean "sad" or "upset", instead choosing to substitute it with such a terrifying state of mind and existence?

Why are they talking about marriage now? Is the girl getting married already? Were they talking about someone else? Are they planning something? Will their action retain their safety, physically and emotionally? 
   
Needless to say, my questions remain unanswered, and the duo are on my mind. 

But here's a confession. I was depressed to a fair degree in 2015-2016. Post partum depression could be a possibility, but I realise it only now, and I was a mess back then. I was also going through a personal crisis at that time, and life seemed lost. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't sleepy, or I slept in bursts. I was a wreck, either crying or shouting, losing my cool with everyone and everything. I was a ticking time bomb, and my parents and a few friends were my rock. They took my trash behavior and stood by me. I did not know how it felt to smile, and having a little child dependent on me made my life harder. 

Time doesn't stand still, fortunately, situations changed, and when I look back now, I am just so glad that it's over. It seemed like forever. 

Dealing with depression is hard, dealing with someone who is depressed is harder. You can't do anything right with them, and you don't know what is the right thing to do anyway. You don't know when and if things will change, what will make them change, and they're as predictable as a parrot (meaning not predictable at all).

So thankful that people are now aware that mental illness is just as normal as physical disease, and that there is nothing to be ashamed about. Most of the things that are cited as vices of the current generation actually existed in all societies earlier too, just that people did not seek help nor talk about it. Divorces don't happen more in our time coz we don't know how to maintain relationships, they happen because we don't believe in being sad forever. Abuse isn't a curse of the 21st century. It happened earlier also, but people did not have the guts to take action. Our older generations believe we are doomed, the truth is we are more accountable and strong than they ever were. We speak our mind, and we do what we believe in. If that is called disrespect, so be it. At least we don't repent for someone else's mistake later or stay dependent on someone for life. 

Follow your heart, follow your head. Follow what you believe in, and what you can stand up for. No matter who's on the other side. 

People will come around. Or they won't. 

It doesn't matter. What matters is that at the end, you'll feel like you lived your life your way. Mistakes, achievements, joys and sorrows and everything in between.

But what's absolutely gruesome right now is the rape culture and scandals that have come to the fore. Due to Unnao / Kathua / Asifa, The entire country has finally woken up to the fact that our womenfolk are not safe. Not by religion, not by age, not by clothes, class or behaviors - everyone is at risk for rape by our uncontrolled men and their vile desires. It pains me to see this situation and unfortunately, the most that people can do is voice their opinion on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, talk or blog about it, sign change.org petitions and then go back to their life and routines. Kalyug is going from bad to worse, and I'm worried. 

What am I doing about it? Raising a son with the right values and respect for others, be it young or old, male or female. But I also bear the brunt of statements like "You're still your dad's daughter, not a woman yet" and "you and your feminism" (if I so much as question why rules are different for men and women). Yes sirree, men in our country need a royal washing down, coz no matter how much they pretend to respect women, the reality is 99% of them still don't think us equal, or consider it a favor and applaud their generosity and open-mindedness. 

It's not called open minded when the thought crosses your mind, dickheads. 

Shame. On the men themselves, and the families that raise them. 

And yet we shall survive... and voice our opinion...till we can.

- Princess

Just Another Women's Day

Women’s Day they cheer,

Fortune favors the brave;

And yet this “kick-ass” woman,

Cannot her sanity save.

I marvel at the ladies

That saunter tough with grace,

I fail at half they do

And scamper to save face.    

Fear and anxiety

Are my eternal mates,

I can’t help but wonder,

At folks who accept their fates.

I am my self’s enemy,

I am my own friend,

Everything starts with me,

And I beget my own end.

I’m tired of fighting my soul,

A creature so wild and free;

Taming it takes up all I got,

And leaves not an ounce of peace wee.

Torn between good and immoral,

I toil and douse the fire in my heart;

Doing what the world deems right,

Yet feel so empty in every part.

My soul claims each breath,

Every step I take is mine,

And still at the close of it all,

Nothing seems fine.

Coz some like me who appear,

To have it all together;

Are the weakest when dawn breaks,

As we assemble in our cap each feather.  

When the sun comes up,

We rise with determination new,

Wish all the good we do unto you,

Would come back to us someday, too.

For now we wait and watch,

And go with the flow but fickle;

Veiling our powers and dreams,

That you sell for a dime and nickel.

More power to all of us, ladies.

And the men, who sometimes need more confidence, support and motivation than the erstwhile “weaker” sex.  

Love,

Princess

We're Too Different ...

Well, hello there!

Been a while since I penned poetry, a realization that dawned when a fellow poet and colleague shared his creations. 

Somehow poetry is the last thing on my mind even as I contemplate a hundred imaginary things on a daily basis. To set words in rhyme needs a very positive frame of mind, and galloping behind a kid is not a very conducive environment for that, you see. 

However, here is a little something that flowed out not so long ago... 
The context we shall ignore, but here's the poem for you to mull over. 

All you people who think compatibility is a concern when two individuals are poles apart in thought (not values). This should leave a mark and set you thinking...

You say we are too different, 
And I heartily agree.
But how different
Are we exactly? 

I love you, 
Don't you love me? 
You miss me,
Don't I miss thee? 

Being different is a boon, 
It makes us a formidable force. 
To tackle all the challenges, 
That knock on our doors. 

It means the best of both worlds, 
We can give to our lucky lives. 
The crazy and sensible stuff I bring
To your practical and unplanned side. 

I do what you enjoy, 
And you do as I say. 
We rejoice and succeed together, 
Come what obstacle may. 

It won't be too easy, 
Far from a cakewalk divine. 
But I know I shall be yours forever, 
And you mine until the end of time. 

That's what brought us together, 
Only to drive us apart. 
We can sort out all the mess, 
If we try from the heart. 

Be the man of my dreams, 
And I'll be your wife charming.
I don't want to let you go, 
You're my life, my darling. 

I know I can be tough, 
Yet I belong to you.
If I am my worst at times, 
Help me be better, won't you? 

I'll try all I can
To make you smile, my dear
Will you not try as well, 
To keep us both near? 

Let's make a life pleasant, 
And gift to each other ease
Let's bring back to our lives, 
Success, joy and peace.

Maybe this test of time
Was a wake up call for us, 
Maybe we ought to consider
Before we miss the bus. 

The ball now lies
Rolling in your court. 
You're the general and leader
Of my heart and our fort. 

Choose wisely!

***

And for those who are waiting in the wings wanting you to fail...

Nimbu mirchi to them ;-)

 


Live it up!

Cheerio!
Princess

Toddler Tales

Heya!

So I saw this hilarious picture on Facebook which spoke about 13 things that toddlers can do which (unfortunate) grown-ups like you and me can't.

Here is the list: 

1. Sleep on 15 pillows and wake up without a neck ache
Damn, this is true! The number of times I've heard myself and others complain about sprains in the neck and waist or an aching arm because somebody did not position themselves ergonomically while dozing! And yet, I observe my little bub sleeping in all possible (and some impossible) positions and then bouncing around like a rubber ball without a hint of any pain anywhere. Wonder where they get this miraculous trait from. Not from me, I am sure, who needs her "just right thickness" pillows and mattress...

2. Wear nothing but underwear and shoes while Grandma is over
And sometimes, not even that. 
Now, that's a bummer. 
I am not the dressy types, and there is nothing I hate more than getting dressed up AND then sitting at home. Home = PJ and sloppy tshirt venue. So when someone comes calling, and especially if it is a crabby relative, then to smear the sindoor a few more centimetres and put on bangles and bindis becomes a Herculean task. And then you get admonished for forgetting to wear the bicchiya (toe ring). Grrrrr! 

3. Look cool wearing a cape
My bub can carry off anything and look like a superstar. He is indeed handsome and cute, though I know all kids qualify as pretty. My panchamrit and coconut water guzzling paid off as Aarush was born with flawless skin that he did not inherit from his parents. And of course, he's got me to dress him up with the right sense and coordination. But come to think of it, even if these things were absent, he would look just as amazing wearing anything (or nothing, which is what is quite a few times). Not a feat you or I 

4. Eat the same food for all meals for 3 weeks
I CANNOT and I mean really can not eat the same food even the second time, which is why you will rarely find leftovers in my kitchen. I call the cooked food "stale" and even if it were freshly prepared for each meal, I would be oggling my eyes at the chef demanding an explanation for the lack of variety, planning and creativity. Kids, well, you know how they are. When the bhindi craze starts, it's bhindi morning noon and night and for the next 3 days. My son is not in that zone yet, but I do repeat food items every 2-3 days and he is okay to gobble it down with pleasure. 

5. Demand an audience while pooping
Ahem. I'm not averse to poop talk, having been subjected to it by a very enthusiastic pop and bro at all times including meals. But my son sure takes the cake. He'll actually look me in the eyes and make those painful faces as he deposits the dump. Very pretty sight, I assure you. (Go on, imagine it, why should I have all the fun alone?! LOL)  

6. Tell strangers the truth about their appearance
Aarush does not talk, like actually talk, yet. But I am in no doubt about his candor despite his tender age. (Takes after his mother, who is you cannot even call mild or diplomatic euphemistically.) He is very upfront about who he likes and what he wants at any given point in time, which changes the very next second. So, well... This remains to be seen. 

7. Assemble people to perform a song you just made up
Oh boy, does the bub enjoy attention! He laps it up as he dances, acts cute, comes to be petted and cuddled, and walks up indulgently to bestow a few kisses on you on his own (or requested) accord. This is something kids need not be taught, but we should actually learn. Blowing your own trumpet, and dancing on the tune too. Laughs galore. His intelligence and curiosity have us spellbound already, so here's raising a toast to Einstein in the making!

8. Fit entire body in the bath tub
This is too painful, and hence I shall not talk about it. I've been struggling to do this for years. Not just because I am a blessed 5 feet 7 inches, but even when I was shorter. The knees pop out, and the neck feels cold, and then the legs... No no, let's move on. 

9. Inspire gushing praise for something ridiculous
Read point 7. But this is important, mind you. Appreciating and reinforcing good stuff is critical for development physically, mentally and emotionally. NEVER and I stress on never, ignore your kid. Or anyone for that matter. No matter how silly or atrocious, give feedback so that the child continues or stops doing whatever. Don't treat them like kids in this regard, or they will always remain childish and embarass/harass/annoy adults when they grow up (physically).

10. Completely fill your phone memory with nostril selfies in a few minutes
So the cute baby isn't a year old yet, but you should see the way his fingers cruise on the phone/laptop screen. He goes tap-tap-tap better than his parents even at this age. 21st century kids, I tell ya. Let's just say he learnt it in his mom's womb. He knows when the phone is locked, and asks for it to be unlocked. He wants to handle the phone when his videos are playing and interact with the images on the screen. It's mindblowing. And irritating, too. Go play with your toys mister, and leave mine alone. (And there is goes, crashing...)

11. Sleep sideways across the bed
I don't know how or why, but these tiny tots take up complete place on the enormous bed. I am always precariously perched at the edge every morning, as the little one moves 180 degrees and then another few angles every few minutes. Not that I need a bump or two, but I probably should brace myself for a couple of robust kicks that land me closer to the ground once he grows a few centimeters and months.  

12. Get an extra cookie from the sample lady just because you're cute
Oh yes. Sometimes it's a kiwi. Sometimes it's something trashy like empty tumblers and spoons. But he always manages to walk out with something that has caught his fancy and people generously (or helplessly) offer. I'm thinking of visiting a couple of jewelry shops soon, come Diwali. 


13. Get super excited about grocery shopping
Not at that age yet. Dreading it. Thank god for online shopping that can be done at office or while the devil is blissfully asleep.


... And that's about it!

More stories another day. 

Keep smiling, dearies :-)


Love,
Princess
 

An Agonizing Life

Hey there!

Rather than giving you the same old sh*t about apologies for my disappearance, let me give you an honest confession on what's been keeping me on my toes. 

Of course you know that Aarush is the most critical element of my life (and routine) now. In a few years' time, he will want to keep away from me and I'll be suffering from the empty nest syndrome as my boy experiences life in all its joys and adventures. Yet right now, I am the center of his universe. Hell, I AM his universe. He clings to me all the while and can't be kept away even if I beg and plead or shout. I could be busy on the phone, and he could be busy with his toys (not his actual toys, but stuff like my slippers or rubbish on the floor, or the dustbin or spoons and tumblers) but physically we need to be connected as far as he is concerned. It's really cool to be loved and wanted like that, some of you might agree, but it also gets a little too suffocating sometimes when he cries and crawls behind me even into the loo, not just when I need to relieve myself (after hours of waiting) but also as I wash my hands after wiping his poop. 

So, I got to get up, get the food ready, feed my little angel, get ready for work and leave. I am generally an hour behind schedule by the time I report to work, but I manage to get my 8 hour tasks wound up in 3-4 hours through sheer diligence and hard+smart work. The clock beckons every hour, but I wait it out until I absolutely must go back to my bub. Apparently, he doesn't cry when I am away, but I still imagine him making that sad (and yummy) face and bawling when I refuse to hold him in my arms (for all of 10 seconds). 

Physically and health-wise, I am a mess. I do not get the time to eat or sleep well, and my weight is back to pre-pregnancy, if not less. (Yeah, I was looking forward to this landmark event, but it doesn't thrill me when I feel dizzy and black out while standing). I can't recall the last time I slept for anything over 2 hours at  stretch, and not all of it can be ascribed to my baby. I have no choice but to blame my spouse who finds it very easy and convenient to spend 12-15 hours at work everyday (night, since he works shifts and also parties post work) as I lie awake and fret about his return and safety, and my lost youth and newly-found loneliness.   

Really, sometimes I wonder, all that struggle and war, only to wed someone who finds happiness at work and with colleagues? The way we are with each other is two dichotomous extremes: either we're all over each other and folks hold us as ideal /lucky couple or we're at each others' throats, eager to get away and yet unable to do so coz we "love" each other. 

I believe in destiny but I'm also doubting if anything can be worse than this.

Yaya, I know such things are not meant to be disclosed in public, but hell, there is just no limit to what's negative between us, and from each one's perspective, we're better off without the other. He ignores me at best and abuses me at worst. All this, as I see merry, mushy updates on FB vouching how much couples love each other and how fortunate they are to have each other, and how crucial they are to each other. From what I can see, I have become a wife with none of the perks and all of the inconveniences. Take care of the house, husband and child plus work full time, and absolutely no social or romantic life, let aside adventure and bliss. Not the life I'd wished and planned for. My memories reek of pain and sorrow, and all that keeps me going is Aarush's smile and a hope for a better tomorrow, which doesn't seem anywhere on the horizon. 

That's what comes of marrying in haste, and marrying someone without sensibly weighing your pro's and con's, compatibility, maturity, upbringing, personality and culture. 

So, the only time I have for myself is when Aarush drifts off to dreamland and I catch up on Splitsvilla 8 (what a bunch of morons!) or read (Shunali Khullar Shroff is a laugh riot in "Battle Hymn of a Bewildered Mother", and Kavita Kane's "The Outcast's Wife" is a pretty interesting read too). I also do some paid writing work in my spare time, and all these are the reasons I have been unable to write to you for the last 2 months. 

Movies are a part of my life again as Aarush sleeps through the late night ones, so I recently watched Brothers and Manjhi. Liked the former, the latter drags though it is a very inspirational tale about one man achieving the "impossible". 

Life's too short, they say, to be someone you're not or do something that you hate. 

I'm having to do it, coz I choose responsibility and loyalty over my freedom and happiness. I'd love to blame my parents for instilling these rare values in me and burdening me with self-expectations, but then they're not wrong - it's the ones who can't appreciate and reciprocate that should be punished and taught a lesson. 

Maybe I'm chasing a mirage, maybe my thoughts and dreams are silly. Or maybe I am living with someone who has messed with my head so much that the only emotions in my life are tears and insecurity, and a resignation to fate and depression.

Until God helps me tide over this and come back with a cheerful story...

Cheers and good luck to you.
(Lonely) princess 

Happy 5 month birthday Aarush!

Dear Aarush,

You're 5 months old and you've undisputedly made my life 5 times as lovely, 5 times as busy, 5 times as optimistic and 5 times as tough.

Okay I'm kidding, you don't really break my back so often but when you're at your cranky best, I suddenly forget just how rosy life is with you in it. Pardon my candor, I do hope in time that will be one of the things you learn to appreciate and accept about your mother.

I'm a mother. Gosh! That's so hard to believe. 

There are a hundred stories that I'd like to share with you when you're a little more grown up. Like the day just before you were born and my gynaec, at the periodic checkup, suddenly sprung on me that you were due in 24 hours. All this while I'd been expecting you and suddenly I felt so unprepared! 

And about how your dad fed you milk right from a katori when you were hardly a few days old and bawling with hunger. 

Or about how sad and sorry and helpless I felt when you used to cry your lungs out due to colic. No medicine helped, and we tried various nuske that failed. And then, I started wearing you in a saree and going for a walk, and you seemed to like that. But of course, by then you were more active and the gases weren't bothering you as much. 

And how much my hands ached coz of DeQuervain's and I could not even lift you without yelping in pain. 
 
However this post is not to recount all those few zillion tales that have made motherhood a special phase in my life. (For the good reasons, and the not so good ones too!)

Rather, it is to thank you for being such an adorable cutie and also to share some memorable trivia that I don't want you to lose out on courtesy our bad memories.

The first time I heard you, you were taken out of my tummy and the doc said "It's a boy". 

Duh, we already knew! 

No, we did not get your sex determined when we were at Thailand (though your dad did suggest it). In my heart, I always knew you were going to be my son and I nicknamed you accordingly.

Tears rolled down my cheeks when you were shown to me and I took a second to digest the fact that I was now a mother. 

The first few days in the hospital were quite tedious as you and I got used to each other, and your jaundice made it all the more difficult. I had to take some tough decisions as a mom, but you stood by me and proved me right. Thank you, honey. I will always stand by you, too. 

Everybody said you looked like your father and I hated them for it. Why couldn't you resemble me? After all the ways I took care of you, you might as well have taken after me! And yet, I gaze at you and you stare back at me with those sparkling eyes and dazzling smile, and I don't care who you look like. All that matters is, you're the prettiest thing I've set eyes upon and I love you more than my own life.

When I look at you now, I find it hard to imagine where all that time has flown when you wouldn't sleep all night and I'd hate it when someone gave me hefty philosophies about the joys of mommyhood. I lost my temper more than a few times in the first month or two, but not once did your adoration for me dwindle. You always wanted me close and that means so much to an emotional fool like me. Everyone can see the unique way you look at me, and it sets my heart a-flutter. Thank you, my child for making me feel like God. 

Each day I get to know you better, and I find myself more confident as tend to you and your needs. You are a smart kid, and you convey what you want or dislike with surprising genius. I can hardly wait to see how intelligent you become when you enter teenage and youth. My blessings are forever with you, and I will try my best to set you up for success in all possible ways. That's a promise. And a promise that has already begun. Be it in stimulating your senses or trying to communicate with you - we're well on our way, baby!

You love music. And why not! At the hospital, your dad and I held you and danced as we sang "Jaane jaa dhoondta fir raha" to calm you when you were weeping. And to think, your dad never dances! But he did move around, and that was good enough.  

How annoyed we felt when anybody said you had no/less hair! 
(Though now, I do agree. But nobody else dare say that!)

Such a beautiful thing it is, your laughter, when you feel ticklish or when you enjoy a particularly rowdy game!

Your adorable smile, your cooing and gurgling, the day you turned over and so many more pretty firsts! 

Each time we visited your paed, I was excited to see that you were well above average in terms of both height and weight as per the growth charts. I felt so heartened that I was doing well as a mother. Thanks a million times for making me feel adequate and complete.

I underwent immense pressure to give you formula and other foods but I remained firm and yet again, you were by my side, topping the charts and proving me right. Thanks a ton, sweetheart! We start solids with you in a few weeks, and then everyone can feed you all they want without having to verbally (and physically) wrestle with me. 

Everybody who saw you admired your beauty and energy. Some days you were cranky, and other days I felt like the luckiest mom on earth coz bringing you up was such a breeze. 

In time, we realised you loved "Ek charraiya" as a lullaby and you were fond of being outdoors, be it going for short drives or long walks. 

It's fun to watch you play with your Naani, and talk to Sangeeta bai. You're not so much at ease with most people, and want me to carry and hold you all the time. Quite a task, my healthy baby boy. You're growing each day, and every day I notice something new about you. 

We're not the only ones teaching you stuff, I'm learning from you, too. Trust, when you fall asleep in my arms, certain that I won't let you fall. Curiosity, the way you look at the simplest things in amazement and wonder. Openness and acceptance, the way you grin at random strangers and steal their heart. Care-a-damn confidence, when you behave the way you please, fart when you wish and wet the sheets without bothering what people will think. Patience, when you refuse to stop crying even for a second and I need to drop everything else, control my temper and figure out what will pacify you. Resourcefulness and creativity, to keep you engaged (and distracted). Parenthood is a Ph.D in itself.

And that's not all...

Liveliness, the way you don't stay put and quiet even for a minute, flipping over the moment you are placed on your back. Speed, given that I can now do most things in 30 seconds or less, which is all I have before you realise I'm not in the same room. Superstitiousness, each time you behave unusually difficult and cranky. Confusion, coz I wish you'd sleep when you're awake and when you're sleeping, I miss your chatter and bustle. True love, when you want only me even though I'm mad at you for soiling my bedsheet or behaving difficult. Religiousness, the way you love and calm down when you hear mantras and observe worship. Sensitivity, since I need to pick your obvious and not so obvious cues so as to ease your pain and end what's bothering you.

Our first trip together was to your Mama's place in Mumbai which turned out an absolute nightmare for both of us as you hated it and kept crying throughout, and we next went to Mahabaleshwar for an impromptu day trip - extremely tiring but an adventure to be together for the first time as a nuclear family. 

You are in love with all things godly, and we noticed that you enjoyed being in temples or chanting God's names. We started calling you Panditji and a passing baba also mentioned that you were an ancestor come back to life in our home.

Well, whatever it is, and whoever you might be, you're mine and I adore you more than words can say. 

Be strong. Be brave. Be healthy, happy and wise. 

I will always love you.

Only Yours,
Mom (aka Maa)

Turn Back Time

There is something extremely desirable about a guy who is possessive about his girl. A little bit of insecurity works wonders when it comes to intimacy in a relationship.

At least Sheena felt that way. 

After all there has to be  some proof that a loves and needs his woman like no one else, she mused. 

Trust is definitely important but sprinkle a little bit of jealousy in a relation and it blooms and blossoms in its excitement quotient...

Now this certainly wasn't a justification for her obsession with him, she was quite proud of the fact that she was crazy about Russell. So crazy that she drove him nuts. So crazy that she sometimes drove him away.

He asked her the other day why she was so upset, so glum and she said she didn't know. After the silence that ensued, he made a very intriguing observation, "I think you are missing a passion in life." 

Her first reaction was annoyance at his arrogant confession but it was soon followed by bewilderment. And then she smiled. Maybe he was right; she was indeed feeling low and demotivated. She thought about it all night and it dawned on her by morn that for the last couple of years all she had been passionate about was him. 

Russell. 

The man of her dreams. The object of her addiction.

Sheena was so mad about him that even someone calling him by his nickname Ross angered her.

The realization that this was a tad extreme was not lost on her. 

Yet, she thought she deserved a special place in his life and nobody could be permitted to trespass.

And that's where the trouble began. Ross, unfortunately, did not think so. 

He was of the opinion that they had their own sweet separate lives and that's how it was meant to be despite the fact that they were engaged to be married.

It pained Sheena, his lack of interest in her life and his stone cold attitude towards her distress. It appeared to her that he cared more for random strangers and colleagues than her. Now which woman would be okay with this? Not too many, she told herself.

All her life, Sheena had wished for great friends and an exciting life. Her few good besties fulfilled this desire amply. But when she met Ross, she felt she had found her soul mate and her contact with them reduced. Big mistake. She devoted all her time and attention to him and he initially reciprocated. As time flew, her life became empty and his got fuller with other people and activities. No surprise then that his priorities and pastimes changed while her need for him only multiplied.

To make matters difficult, Ross was the strong and silent types who did not mind being alone. He enjoyed spending time with people but he did not want anybody to make his life complete. He was calm and content in his solitude and he did not feel the sting of loneliness. He was good to all, and better to strangers and acquaintances than her, or.so.Sheena believed.

It did not bother Ross when Sheena described how someone had asked her out the previous day nor was he worried if she did not call for hours. Maybe he did not need to, as she called him several times a day and often in quick succession while he was busy. He did not always answer her calls and texts, something that she complained about. He believed in freedom and space, like most other men. He had a woman he trusted, unlike most other men.

Sheena had been a lovely lass when he met her but of late she had started to nag. He did not know what he was doing wrong and he had no clue how to fix this cribbing. He liked his work and he got to meet some interesting folks there. Sheena seemed to resent his happiness and bugged him for trivial reasons.

All this while their wedding day was looming near. 

Was it the right decision?

Was it too late to turn back? 

Would it truly be worthwhile to commit his love and life to this person that he adored but occasionally found tough to bear?

And that was the question on his mind as he started his day. 

Time and destiny would show him the right way, he was certain.

He stepped on the sidewalk and checked his pocket to ensure he was carrying his cell phone. Damn, he'd forgotten it again. Sheena's latest gift to him, his favorite mobile handset that had cost her a bomb but she had not said so once. He turned back to the house and picked up his phone.

Ten missed calls. Two texts.

Must be Sheena. How had she stopped at two texts?! She generally sent no less than five.

Text 1: As expected, from Sheena. It read, "Ross, call me now!!!"

Text 2: Again, Sheena. "Jerk!!"

Ross grimaced. Sheena brought too much drama into every mundane thing. Maybe he should call it off with her... 

He dialed her number and waited as the phone rang once, twice, thrice. Why wasn't she answering now?

Click.

Ross: "What the hell...."

An unknown man: "Hi, is this Ross?"

Ross: (a little taken aback) "Yes. Who's this?"

Man: "Your number was the last dialed on this phone. The woman carrying it was hit by a speeding car and she is being rushed to Malcolm hospital in a critical state as we speak...."

Cheerio!
Princess

Delightful Da(y)ze!

Hear baby crying.

Pat him so that he goes back to sleep.

Baby won't sleep.

Check the time. Two hours since his last feed.

Get up groggily. Feed him.

Get him to burp.

Settle him back in his cozy blanket.

Lie down and snooze.

Baby whimpers. Cuddle him.

Check if he's warm enough.

Put another sheet over him.

Baby keeps waving his legs and arms.

Check if he's cold. Remove the sheet. It's quite warm today.

Whisper softly in his ears so that he calms down and sleeps.

Go back to sleep myself.

Hear baby crying. Check the time. Feed him.

Burp him.

Realise it is time to change his diaper.

Scramble to the cupboard. Trip over slipper. Mutter an obscenity. Get a diaper and change him.

Crawl back into the blanket and pray for uninterrupted sleep.

Wide awake now.

Stare at ceiling.

Check cell phone for Whatsapp messages.

No messages.

Check Whatsapp status and profile pictures of contacts.

Wonder if baby needs to feed.

Keep phone away and try to sleep.

Blanket too heavy. Push foot out for some air. Too cold, pull foot back in.

Consider switching on the fan. Decide against it.

Try to sleep.

Pick up cell phone again. Check Facebook. Nothing interesting. Put phone back.

Look at baby sleeping blissfully. Give him a flying kiss.

Shut eyes.

Lapse into a dream.

Baby bawls.

Spring up and gather him in the arms. Rock him till he sleeps. Faint next to him.

Wake up. Baby has to nurse.

Say good morning and watch his adorable smile.

Thank God for the little bundle of joy. Feed him.

Burp him.

Baby won't burp.

Sit him up and rock him.

Baby burps.

Fall back asleep.

Get up to mum's call and swallow a glass of milk.

Sleep.

Get up again and nurse baby.

Finally decide to wake up since it's almost noon already.

Chat with mom.

See baby playing on the bed.

Shake a rattle.

Have a face making contest with baby and accept defeat.

Forget that you've had a bad night. Hold baby close.

Hear mum cribbing about not having meals on time affecting baby's health.

Rush to the bathroom.

Get ready. Have lunch.

Baby cries midway. Get up to nurse.

Mum says food will go cold. Quickly gobble the last few bites.

Rush to baby. Feed him. Burp him. Kiss him when he does.

Baby passes stinky air. Screw nose and laugh out loud with mom.

Watch baby dozing. Admire his frowns and smiles.

Wonder how many joys and sorrows he will give once he grows up.

Imagine how he grew inside you for 9 months.

Touch his soft, shiny cheek in awe.

Feel motherhood well up inside.

Blink back tears.

Change nappy. 

Talk to mom about random stuff.

Crave for a mug of beer.

Check FB and Whatsapp.

Reply to text messages and return missed calls.

Look at beautiful sleeping baby and feel proud to have him in your life.

Have a cup of tea. Fantasize about a glass of wine.

Think about what your friends and husband must be doing.

Feel a little angry that your life has paused and changed while others are living their routines and dreams.

Curse husband for not calling or caring about you or baby.

Husband calls. Feel a surge of love.

Miss husband.

Listen to baby cooing and gurgling in the other room.

Go to him and play for a while.

See if he is hungry. He is.

Take him to the other room to nurse.

Baby is not hungry anymore. 

Follow his enthralled gaze.

Watch him chatter with the curtain.

Pick up a book lying unread on the shelf for 3 months. Read a page. Forget the context, turn a few pages to recall the story. 

Glance at baby. 

See him looking back at you with big brown eyes.

Keep book away. 

Feed him. Get him to burp.

Realize nappy needs a change.

Debate with self whether baby will need to nurse again.

Consider going for a walk. Need to lose weight and get back in shape.

Get dressed.

Wonder if you should really leave baby and go.

Decide to go at mum's insistence.

Return feeling guilty in 45 minutes.

Hug baby like you haven't seen him all week.

Freshen up. Feed baby. Burp him.

Play with him.

Change wet nappy.

Grab a fruit.

Pacify crying baby.

Finish half eaten apple.

Feed baby. Burp him.

Baby does not burp. Try again.

Baby still does not burp.

Check Facebook and Whatsapp groups to see what other moms are going through.

Baby burps on his own.

Bless him. Give him a peck.

Time for dinner.

Baby starts crying. 

See if nappy needs to be changed again. No, pick him up. Baby quietens. 

Put him on the bes, starts weeping again.

Repeat. Get bugged. Wonder when you will have some free time all to yourself.

Call out to mom to handle baby's drama.

Realise you have barely drunk water all day. Down half a bottle.

Switch on tv.

Find nothing worth watching.

Switch off tv.

Talk gibberish with baby.

Wonder if he naps and feeds as much as he ought to.

Have some dinner.

Start watching favorite show on TV.

Get up midway to feed hungry baby.

Burp him.

Change his nappy and clothes.

Get him ready for bed.

Baby starts crying. Sing him a song.

Baby still cranky. Sing him a rhyme.

Baby refuses to calm down. Sing gayatri mantra, Hanuman Chalisa and Ram Raksha in quick succession.

Baby calms down.

Get angry with husband for not being more involved in our life.

Rock baby till he falls asleep.

Lie down next to him.

Touch his little fingers and fondle his pretty head.

Be happy to have him.

Promise him the world.

Talk to mom till she falls asleep.

Prepare to go to bed.

See a missed call from the husband. Call him back.

Brush teeth and go to bed.

Baby wakes up hungry.

Feed and burp him.

Lie down praying for a peaceful night.

Unable to sleep. Wonder what to do with free time.

Repeat.

*********************

A day in my life.

*********************

Cheerio!
A 2.5 month old mother
Aka Princess
:-)