Heart to heart, in the age of social distancing

So, the COVID count in India is now over 1.50 lacs, and with the restrictions eased, it's definitely not coming down anytime soon. I hope all of you and your loved ones are staying safe and sane.

The hospitality and travel industry are ruined indefinitely, and inviestments have dipped, despite the relief package announced by the government. Quite sad to see NaMo not taking more effective measures, and absolutely appalling the way Nirmala Sitharaman is behaving. People dying and losing jobs seems to be nobody's concern, and that in itself is a huge cause for concern for humanity. I've heard people are struggling with mental issues right from isolation to depression and domestic violence. It's indeed a punishment for all our collective sins, and there's no going back to the old ways of living once this ends. We've got to figure out a better way to survive and thrive, as human beings, not just selfish and scheming machines, winning and hoarding at the cost of others' lives and dreams.

I see people seeking help on LinkedIn for jobs, and I myself have tried to support people as much as I possibly can in any way. Be it through charity or job referrals or just a conversation to coach, rejuvenate and motivate - the ways in which we can help each other and numerous. We should consider ourselves blessed to be able to assist somebody else, because this is certainly not the time to engage in anything competitive, destructive or negative.

Don't burn out, whether it is during your house chores, or while working from home for office. Take a break, do something you love and spend time with family. Count your blessings and do your bit towards those that are not as fortunate. As so many people have said, this is not a normal time, and tiny things can become daunting. Accept yourself and others with grace, we're each reacting to the situation differently and we're all justified in our experience and emotions. Life is hard, but we've got to do the best we can, and keep doing better every day. I see posts on Instagram and Facebook where moms are outdoing each other and others are just managing to stay alive and sane. I see some enterprising folks cooking like Michelin chefs and others burning meals. I watch people curse religions and politicians, and I see people engaging in random challenges and tags. Coping techniques vary, but being positive and sensitive should be the watch words.

There are days I feel grateful for all that I have, and I have a lot. But there are also days where I feel miserable like I've achieved nothing. I compare myself to others better or worse than me, and I am left with misery, either for myself or someone else. I know there are many people who feel negatively about me, and I see their response (or the lack of thereof) that reveals their hatred or jealousy or apathy towards me. I know I feel angry about certain things and some folks, but I try to be a better person each day. I fail but I try again. How about you?

Stay safe, all, and stay human!

Cheerio
Anuja

Women and Empowerment

I'm about to put my foot in my mouth, and I don't care. This may not apply to all women but it doesn't have too many exceptions either.

Women need protection and empowerment and support and understanding, yes, for sure.

From who?
Other women.

Women are the biggest enemies of women. Alpha male is not just a syndrome noticed in men, but certainly exists in women as well.


Which is why, rarely do we see women getting along with other women, especially without a clear hierarchy in place. Women are insecure and can't share the limelight with other gifted women unless they all feel comfortable in their skin and position. Be it the typical saas-bahu at home, or two peers at work, or a reporting relationship.

It's sad. Men get along as friends and colleagues, in school and office. Women who are supposed to be nurturing and warm, often end up backbiting and messing up relationships. And then we say women need empowerment in a male dominated world. I'm sure some do, but that applies equally to men who are meeker than many other men AND women alike.

Under the guise of diversity and inclusion, a lot of effort and resources go into actually doing the opposite - creating programs that exclude men from women and create a sense of differentiation. Going back to the concept of co-ed and convent schools, how are we plugging the gap by driving women-only missions?

Women in corporates are the last ones that need empowerment, in my opinion. What we do need is a session on being kind and genuine to each other. Not just on the face, but to have one face in front of everyone. Treat everyone with respect and not discriminate basis friendship and org hierarchy. Whether it is at a lunch table or conference table, don't make anyone feel isolated or humiliated. That's what we all need to reiterate. Men, I think, are far sorted because they don't bother about such petty things. Which is why most men get along with each other without pretending to be best pals, become buddies in a group with few or no expectations and last longer than thick feminine friendships that grow bitter in time. Emotions that are considered a women's forte, are exactly what we forget when we aren't on the receiving end of being mocked, ignored or criticised.

Not true across the board, but I speak from experience. I've been spoken down to by women far more often than men, and these ladies have been senior, junior and on the same level as me at work. Bullied in school and college. In society. Some of them not half as capable as me, but with added courage coz of their pack at their back.

I've never been in a pack, coz I've seen this happen in too many places and I call it out when I see it.

Since I come from a Psychology background, I do think I have a fair understanding of these terms and behaviors I'm describing with conviction, not bias.

One could argue that I could be the cause of the uncouth behavior and not a victim, but women who are leaders or aspiring leaders often talk down to people than motivate or support them. They mistake being obnoxious for assertive and they think being bossy is a leadership trait. This, I've heard across the circles.

Don't try to be a man. Just be a woman. Be a leader. Stop competing, because really, true talent and potential will shine. If you are afraid someone will shine brighter than you, that's fine too. There are enough places for all of us, and just like we tell kids - we don't have to be #1 in everything. Don't pull someone down coz you can't climb up unless you step over that person.

Women empowerment started off as a good initiative. I think we have lost the plot somewhere. Support all genders, not one or some. Keep the ground level and fair. Ask questions, listen to answers, help where you can and ask for help when you need. Be open. There's too much trouble in all our lives without us adding to each other's misery.

Why am I talking about all this today?

Well, I think about it every other day.

Just that I am not hesitating to put this in black and white today for fear of some women hating this post and subsequently me for some perceived story in their head that they don't have the courage to verify directly, but assume I've written about them...

And guess what, maybe I have.

Stay strong, and be real.

Cheers
Anuja

Balance your Accounts

I actually wanted to come here today and talk to you about something educational and developmental - the Leadership Challenge, a book by Kouzes and Posner, and about how it gives you useful practices to become a more effective leader. 

But then, real life crises and harder challenges inundated me - something that I must share now, and something that requires the Leadership Challenge to wait for next time.

I love horror flicks, but what really got me in a frenzy were two movies : Udta Punjab and The Butterfly Effect. The films freaked me out, about how helpless and desperate some lives become, for little or no fault of theirs. Bullies and pricks mess up your sanity and innocent people suffer for the dastardly acts of monsters in human disguise. Have these creatures got no bloody conscience? 

Sorry if you have no context as I rant, and it's okay if you haven't seen these films. If you're as sensitive as me, their effect will stay on with you long after you watch them. Life suddenly becomes too real, and unbearable. Which it actually is. After all, when you read in the news that 8 men raped a pregnant goat, and young girls are paraded naked and abused, then you lose whatever little hope you have in God and humanity. Really, how did we manage to fuck up so bad? Is this where our intelligence has led us? Did God really plan all of this to turn out this way? Is this what was described eons ago as Kal-Yug? 

And apparently, we're not even halfway yet. There's still a lot more decades to go before Kalyug attains its full g(l)ory. I shudder at the thought, and I'm glad I'll be gone long before then. If the final Kalki avatar is going to set things right, then it's no mean task that we're setting out for him. Shiva's Tandav is definitely going to be welcome to end this madness.

We're evolving, they say. Industry 4.0 is here where artificial intelligence and automation will make our lives easier. We're creating robots and machines that can do things for us, giving us more time and luxury. In my opinion, all of us need to get back to constructive work, and stop fooling around. Idle mind is devil's workshop. Which is where people get ideas to loot and cheat others, abuse and wreck those that they think are lesser than us. Lesser in age, or status, or level, or other criteria that doesn't matter one bit in the long run. 

"Dharma Kshetra", one of the shows on Netflix, is a drama on how everyone in Mahabharata was summoned into Chitragupta's court to account for their actions and accusations. Everyone, right from Draupadi (episode 1) to the Pandavas and Kauravas and even Krishna, were asked uncomfortable questions to justify their intent and acts. 

Think of your life, and this trial in your final journey. When you are interrogated about what you are doing and what you've done, to yourself and to others, will you be able to explain? Would it sound acceptable and respectable? Will you be able to earn awe and empathy with your answers or will you be condemned and ridiculed? What you tell others is important, but what is more significant is what you tell yourself. You can't fool your own conscience. And that is why some of us achieve enlightenment and peace while others keep running like headless chickens, suffering and failing in life. 

Know yourself, know your purpose in life, know the means to these ends, and do what you got to do. Not coz someone is watching, but because your final accounts will be scrutinized and your final rating will be a mirror to all that you've been and done in your life, intentionally or involuntarily. Watched mutely as someone was harassed? Participated (through direct action or complete inaction) in embarrassing someone? Hurt someone with your words and deeds? Exploited someone or never acknowledged and valued those that were there for you? Lived and laughed at others' expense? Nothing will be forgotten, nothing will be forgiven. Not unless you acknowledge and repent, change yourself and be a good person, deserving of being called a human. Like the popular joke claims, a priest was sentenced to hell and a driver to heaven, because people remembered the Almighty when the driver drove, but they yawned with boredom when the priest gave sermons. 

Jokes apart, time to get less sombre. 

Something else that has been on my mind like a puzzle I'm unable to decipher, is finalizing a school for my kid. Yes, we're going to be moving (again) which calls for a change in school, daycare, home and neighborhood. My friends and family are trying to wrap their heads around our constant movement, but I take it as a test of adaptability and flexibility - a level of maturity and readiness that God desires us to attain. 

While I am quite excited about the move, the hassle of getting Aarush admitted in a good (CBSE) school with daycare facility is getting to me. I've shortlisted two options - Phoenix and Kothari, both in Kharadi, but their overall resemblance is confusing me. While Kothari has many positive reviews, I found Phoenix more spacious and airy. They're both charging a bomb to raise my child, but that's an obvious consequence of choosing to pursue a full-time career with no help at home. Once this decision is made, it will stay for at least 5-8 years, and that is why it is all the more critical that I make the right call for my bundle of joy, affection, energy, creativity, wisdom, talent and intelligence. I don't believe in burdening the child and making him grow up too soon, but I also want him set on the right track for success and satisfaction, to be a good person with the right skills and emotions enabling him to lead a happy life and be an effective, worthy individual in society. 

... And it's time to wrap up! 

Keep smiling, you.

Love,
Anuja

Show me No Shows

I just gave someone my blog details, and then I realised... All I have been going these past few months/years is cribbing outside and flaking within. Gawd, the way my blog has evolved is from fun and happy-go-lucky, creative and lively to cynical and grumpy under the guise of wise and resilient. 

I earlier thought my long writing gaps and absences were my miss, but now they appear a boon; too much crabbiness for you to deal with already!

So, well, let me tell you what I've been doing these last 2 months, and what I plan to do these next few weeks...

Let's get the basics out of the way - I watched Sacred Games, all 8 episodes in Season 1, and I uncovered just how much social pressure shapes our actions. The show was good, though not extraordinary, but what struck me, was how much of a prisoner we have become to technology and entertainment. Earlier we used to wait one full week to watch the next episode of one of the handful shows on TV, but now with Netflix, Amazon Prime, SonyLiv, Voot, Hotstar and what not, we sit down like mindless zombies and keep watching episode after episode on loop, totally out of control of our brains, and utterly manipulated by the entertainment providers. Just how useful are these shows anyway? Do they teach us anything new, anything worth knowing, something to not be missed? 

No. All they do is give us meat to talk about to our peers who are senseless zombies like us, and ways to engage our mind and divert it from other, more ambitious, constructive actions. Real hobbies are dead today, because all we mention in our CVs and online portals under the hobby section is watch TV and listen to music. I used to write poetry and stories on my blog; these last few years - all I have done is write reviews of shows and movies and (very rarely) books. Damn! Just where did I go wrong... I thought I was a sensible lass, what crass!

The person who reminds me I am better off, is my husband, whose aim in life seems to watch all videos under the sun, useful or otherwise. The only person in my life who truly seems to have a balance of live versus unreal is my son - he is the one who enjoys conversations, likes to be outdoors and connect with the real world. He does like an occasional cartoon or two, but he's far superior to us adults when he says, "Enough now, let's play together". Child, indeed, is the father of man. Thank you, little Aaru, for teaching me this crucial lesson. 

We look for validation in all that we do. Am I watching the latest shows? What am I missing out on? What is everyone around me doing? How badly will I suffer if I am left out? 

We have lost our souls and our individualities. Me, no exception. I loved Game of Thrones after initially shunning it, until I could bear it no longer. I am eager to watch the ultimate season next year. I love Roadies that I religiously follow every week on Voot, and Splitsvilla, all thanks to my hero, Rannvijay Singha. I also have an inclination towards horror and comedy on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Koffee with Karan and BFF with Jeep was also interesting. 

I was drawn to this easy channel of entertainment, an obsession that kept me away from intelligent pursuits like reading, writing and doing something more tangible. I said work and the kid exhausted me, so I sunk into the sofa with my mobile phone and spent hours online, disconnected from real life, real people and my real self. I had no time for praying and meditation or exercise. But I was always available online. WhatsApp and Facebook made me more distant from those that sat right next to me. I left WhatsApp groups that were not relevant or useful, which made me watch dumb videos and memes, and shared endless Good Morning and mindless banter. I unfriended/unfollowed folks that I did not resonate with anymore. I make it a point to keep my phone away when I am with people, and I try not to look at it, until absolutely essential. I spend time on LinkedIn and news sites, and I have disabled all notifications from time-wasting apps. 

I am guilty, consider me reformed. 

Drawing a line is critical, to know when to stop and where to focus. It does not mean that you have to completely end something, but you need to know what is urgent and important, if you want to live life the best possible way. You decide your priorities, but your achievements determine your life. Be a fool and a slave to the wrong things, and that's all you'll ever be good for. Crap. A wasted life. Nothing to write home about, and a feeling of worthlessness long after the ship has sailed and others have moved on to greener pastures and better lives.

I hope the right people read this, I hope this post touches at least one, at least some of you. It will be my personal victory if you get on board with me in this struggle that appears flimsy, but will be a turning point in the long run. Evaluate your time, your life, your decisions. Anything that you should not be doing, quit. Something that has been on your bucket list forever, do it now. Clothes that you haven't worn and stuff you haven't used in the last 6 months, throw it - you will never use it again. Trust me. You won't miss it. For all you know, you don't even know when and where you misplaced it. Friends that you haven't met in ages - well, either you are not friends anymore, or you need to take the time to rebuild that relationship which you have taken for granted and cast away to the dogs.

I had only been thinking of blogging for some days. 

I did it today. I'll procrastinate later, I said. 

Get up, get a life. Get your life back. 

Lofty words. I know. But easy to do, no? 

Rephrase: 
Instead of "I don't have time"
Say - "You/This is not a priority"

Instead of "rejected"
Say - "redirected"

Your life will change. Don't mess up the big things for the small stuff. 

No regrets; that's what your epitaph should say.

I'm here if you need me. 

Cheers!
Anuja    

End of the World

It was predicted that the world would end in 2012. 

It didn't. 

I got married that year. Probably the end of my days of peace and fulfilment.

There are so many events that spell doom for us, and we think if such and such thing happens, then my life is over. 

When I was in school, one of my umpteen teen secrets was that I couldn't for the life of me, memorize the multiplication table of 17. I was so sure that everyone else but me knew all tables by rote that it distressed me no end. Now when I look back, I barely recall having used the table in all my growing up years. But back then, it was something that appeared a major obstacle in my education, career and reputation. (Little did I know that my peers and elders did not know the math tables of 13, 14, 15 and 16 either, and anyway what are calculators for?!!) 

That's just a tiny example, one of many that would spring to your mind as well, when something seemed unsurpassable and daunting.  

Right now, as my son displays all wonders and disasters of toddlerhood, there are so many things that stand out as "can do" and "cannot do", and become benchmarks for moms who enjoy (or can't help) comparing their kids with others. I've never been one of those moms, I knew my child would cross his milestones as and when he was ready, and sooner or later, all kids are able to do everything that is required of them. (All of us grew up just fine, didn't we, no matter what our scores in school, no matter what our experiences in life.) Some of us did better than the others in certain fields, and the others are happier though they may not have done anything that seems extraordinary to the rest. I know my classmates who flunked in school while I scored near perfect marks, and now they're settled in all parts of the globe, earning probably way more than I do, and ticking off items in their wishlists and their lucky spouses' too! Life's fair, everything balances out in the long run. 

Coming out of the closet and divulging the truth about yourself to society is a fate worse than death to our earlier generations. Everything was swept under the rug, and people pretended everything was fine, just so that society did not look at them funny or criticise them. Fortunately, our generation is more honest and upfront about confessing our realities - be it our sexual orientation, marital status, career preference, life goals, etc. Our parents may not approve, but most of them do support us and allow us that blessed chance to do what our hearts say. Society, that comprises folks like our parents, thus follows suit and while they still whisper behind closed doors, stories are forgotten and new ones take their place. 

I had an inter-caste marriage, much to the agony of my family: blood as well as in-laws, for various reasons. But since many youngsters then chose partners across religions, I did not ruffle too many feathers. I thought it was the start of my happily ever after. It was cursed even before it started, and over the years, I realised that I would regret this union, though I'd skipped the regret of not having taken a chance (which is a lot more common). 

For 3 years I tried to make it work, sometimes alone, sometimes with the help of the "wonderful" (ex) husband (who objects to being mentioned on this blog, though he religiously stalks me here since I've blocked him on Facebook and WhatsApp and my real life, and threatens to sue me for defamation, for citing things that I've experienced in real. Bollocks! All he wants is to avoid paying maintenance for the kid, just like he avoided all duties and responsibilities of husband-hood and fatherhood. Which I'm okay with! Good riddance to bad shit, even at the cost of an arm and a leg.) 

My marriage was not meant to be. I should have quit many years ago, but hope and the shame of divorce kept me going. I felt that a love marriage (or any marriage, for that matter) should never end. It was a promise for life. End of a marriage, meant end of the world (yet again). 

Had I been sensible and known that I'd have to change my opinion, I'd have changed it sooner and saved a beautiful creature from being impacted. But well, this angel being there is a blessing to me as well. Plus the knowledge of how tolerant, how wicked and how loving I can be, which was an eye opener for me as well.  

Oddly, they talk about mutual consent divorce. How can divorce be mutual consent, why does it need to be? If one person lets go off the handshake, there is no handshake - it does not depend on the other person withdrawing his hand or not. Marriage needs to be mutual consent, not divorce. And divorce is not the end of the world like I thought it was. It is the end of my sacrifices and suffering, and I have come to terms with it. My dear husband probably hasn't, since he doesn't want to let me go free, though he's the one desirous of freedom and no-strings-attached-relationships.

So separation - better late than never. I'm not the only one, and I am definitely one of the luckier ones, who at least have a choice, and means, reasons and ways to survive. Better than those couples who stay together due to limitations and helplessness, and certainly better than couples who pretend to be together but are more distant than strangers. "Choosing to be miserable together than happier alone", as I read on Scoopwhoop, and exactly my condition up until last year...  

We all have our reasons. We all have our methods. We all choose to sanction some things, and we detest some others. We are all right. We are all wrong. And we all co-exist. Our perspectives change, our wisdom rises above the petty and prejudices.

And the world only ends when we stay stuck, refusing to move on. Find your miracle, be your saviour. Uncover your strengths and reveal your dreams. Nothing can hold you back, if you really want to be happy. The world only ends when you lose faith.  

The world ends. For you.

Reality? It is always alive. Never dies. Never will. No matter what. Even if you cease to exist, the world shall still go on. So don't take yourself too seriously, don't beat yourself up over your mistakes and bad decisions. It was all meant to happen. You were supposed to learn those lessons and experience that anxiety and pain, all so that you could be who you are today, better than yesterday, ready for tomorrow. 

Smile and say hello, it's a beautiful world. And it's immortal. 

(You're not . So make every day count, and enjoy each moment.) 

Cheers!
Anuja

A Decade of Blogging

Hi there, 

I've been on Blogger.com for a decade! Hurray!

That I have not written frequently enough is another tale altogether, but I am delighted that people across the globe visit, stay and return to  550+ posts on "Life..."

I cannot thank you enough, and I do hope I bring you pleasure and reflection in your good and not so good times. Blogging is catharsis to me, and a responsibility as well, especially when someone tells me that they read a post or remind me that I haven't expressed in a while. Heartfelt gratitude. You are my motivation to write, despite my long absences. To each one of you, thank you!

Albeit a cliche, life's a roller coaster, in so many ways more than one, and we meet some amazing and not so amazing people on the way. I look back at all that's happened and all that I have done in my 3 decades of life, and it's been crazy! So much learning, so much heartache, so many joys and so much to be grateful for. But I'm not going to make this a boring, philosophical post. I'm going to tell you what I've been up to this past month. 

(Yes, it's been 4 weeks. Sorry.)

To take my adrenaline rush up a notch and tick another item in the deep bucket list I got, I went to Andaman and experienced scuba diving. Remember Hrithik and Kareena in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara? That's exactly what I did, and I felt exactly as petrified as Hrithik underwater. I had a wonderful instructor, goes by the name Steve, and is from Bangalore, though he spends more than 11 months in a year on the archipelago away from civilization, blissful among the flora and fauna under the sea. He kept me alive and gave me strength as I cruised below the surface of the water, worried about my next breath, trying to enjoy the sight of fish, octopus, anemones and other creatures. It was beautiful, but I'm never doing it again! Scary as hell, even if you know swimming, which you don't need to know. Throw me off a plane a 100 times and I'll be excited, but I'm never going underwater again. You can't open your mouth to talk or scream, and that's not my idea of a great place to be! I'm a trainer after all, and I need to have full use of my mouth, no matter where I am! Only breathing through my mouth - no, not good enough. 

Apart from that, I had fun under the sun with my son on the beach amidst the sand, making castles and enjoying the waves. We're baked brown and happy for this break, which I desperately needed for my sanity and peace. I've been working and fighting some personal battles for more than a long time, and this vacation helped me rejuvenate, re-energize and renew myself. Thank god (again) for such opportunities and possibilities. 

Review of the Andaman islands - It's a gorgeous destination, just as pretty and more economical than other phoren locations which they show on TV and advertise in movies. Havelock beaches are a must visit, and we also stayed at a wonderful resort called Summer Sands at Neil island. We also visited Mangrove and Lighthouse beaches (since Elephant beach is closed almost all year). The blue, green waters and clean beaches - you can see multicoloured fish with the naked eye right at the surface of the water! Apart from multiple beaches with water sports, you got the Cellular Jail with a very painful story and an okay-ish light and sound show, some aquariums and museums in Port Blair. Food can be a problem for pure vegetarians, and the hotels though 3 and 4 star, have limited facilities owing to transport and connectivity challenges. I would definitely recommend Andaman and Nicobar to beach lovers.

Now it's back to work and life, where a difficult battle awaits since my marriage is on the rocks and my soon to be ex husband is harassing me and refusing to sign the mutual consent papers in court. I've suffered for 3 years, been in depression and taken care single-handedly of my son along with a full time job, but that suffering apparently is not enough according to my amazing spouse and he'd like to teach me a lesson. Looks like all his adultery, desertion and abandonment, physical and verbal abuse, dowry and in-law harassment doesn't qualify as adequate torture. I wanted to keep it clean despite all this and not press charges, but he is determined to not let me go "easy". All those times I cared and pampered him were insufficient, cos he wanted to go on secret holidays with his girlfriends from work, leaving the ill kid alone at home with me for days and abuse me for his failures and incompetence in every area of life. Bring  it on partner. I've got God, my parents and my son on my side. I'm sure this will end well for me and I hope it keeps you afloat, if not buried 6 feet under. Karma shall play its cards in time.

Must have come as a shock to many of you, since I always have a smile on my face and a spring in my step. But it's been hard. And now I'm ready for all that life throws my way. I know I deserve someone much better, more cultured, loving and wise. Akhilesh was my mistake - I was warned by everyone I knew. I'm paying the price for this, but my biggest regret is that Aarush has to suffer as well. Nobody can make up for a father's place in life, no matter how much love and values are provided by the mother and grandparents. Guess that's his destiny too, and it's all for the best. Being a divorced, single mom caused me much worry and panic earlier, but it's been 3 months since I've accepted it and built a new life. The heavens up above are merciful, and I know it is going to get better.    

Reading and writing, everything obviously has taken a backseat at this point in time. With so many restaurants and joints mushrooming everywhere in the city, I've had a chance to visit Urban Foundry/Terttulia in Baner (just like any other, to be honest) and Raasta Cafe (which had a better ambience and spread). Despicable Me 3 was a letdown after the first two laugh riots, and that sums up my recreational activities. I do watch Roadies Rising and Sarabhai Take 2 now and then, but my days are full of work and Aarush on loop.  

Each one of us has his/her own troubles, some more difficult than the rest. I know you will get through them, be strong. Keep the faith, like God told Joshua in the Bible. You may not see the progress, you may think nothing is happening behind those walls. But trust me, at the end of it, God will set it right. You will be happy. 

And so will I.

Lots of love,
Anuja

Being Alive

Call it destiny or call it timing, I last wrote to you about all the jazzy pubs and resto's I'd been to, and as it happens, most of them are now going sober due to the rule which states no alcohol selling/consumption close to highways. 

(I'm sure that's not stopping the "dedicated" boozers and sellers. Where there is one rule, there are ten ways to flout it. Human mentality!)

I'm writing to you after quite a hiatus. Been busy (yet again) with work, travel (Bangalore pub-hopping and staff connects) and home. The kid is in his troublesome two's and it's a pain even to survive, forget blog and do something fun. However, I seem to be managing pretty okay with mt work-life balance. I recently went paragliding with some colleagues to Kamshet, and was it an otherworldly experience! Truly thrilling and adrenaline-racing! Right from the fun local train ride to the trek uphill to the flying platform and back home by auto. 

I enjoyed my aerosport experience with Indus paragliding and you can locate them online. They charge about 3000 bucks as do most others in the vicinity, and it's called tandem paragliding, which means a trained pilot flies with you steering and manoeuvring while you only sit and drink in the sights and excitement. I was lucky to find a Nepali pilot who did everything imaginable on the flight, including somersaults and swinging to and fro, and going to heights and dips. I guess I should also thank my weight, because my poor colleague was almost denied a ride as she was underweight and hence a risk to take off and land owing to the breeze. The ideal weight, I believe is 60-80 kgs so here's a reason to celebrate your kilos!

I realised many things on the trip and during the flight, and I'm going to share them with you just in case they change something in you or resonate within you. Life is too short to keep complaining about what's happening and what's not, who did what to you, and why things did not work out. There is no point in waiting for that one single person to fulfil your dreams and imagination. Be your own hero, take charge of your life. Find the time to do things that you love. Everything else will fall in place. There are many new friends waiting for you to take the first step and plan something that you've always wanted to do but never managed to tick off your bucket list. Just take the plunge. It might fail, but it might succeed too. And once it does, it will be a memory for life and maybe friends for a lifetime.

I found out that what makes me feel alive is not just random peregrinating, but a bloodrush when I engage in something thrilling. 

Paragliding was one, and I topped it with Nitro and Scream at the Imagica theme park in Khopoli. The tickets are expensive, so try to visit on  weekday, especially as groups/students so that you get some discounts. In any case, my paisa vasool moment was when I was lifted in the air and plunged to the ground face first on the 360 spiral of the Nitro rollercoaster. Ditto on the Scream which swings and rotates like a massive pendulum making your hair sway and your heart dance. While I skipped most rides since Aarush could not join (he was short of 3 inches and entered free as he's not yet 3), the day sure was refreshing. I also went to the kiddy rides - TeaCup ride and Magic Carousel, Rajasaurus (slow documentary boatride with crazy, wet climax!) and Wild West (okayish after Nitro). I would like to go back for sure and check all the other rides and the Aqua water park next door. Oh and FYI - the restaurant is pretty decent since you are forbidden to carry any outside eatables, and you don't really need an Express pass which is even costlier than the regular ticket. Must visit, so much better than Esselworld and truly a world class destination!

Planning some underwater adventure soon... Won't tell you where and how. But you know I will stop by again, soon. 

Oh and for the record, I watched the spooky Dobara (inspired by Occulus) and visited Bannerghata National Park (amazing safari!) in Bangalore replete with white and Indian tigers, elephants, lions and bears. I finished reading Grown Up by Gillian Flynn (writer of Gone Girl) and it's a great short story, with my entire theme of thrill and chill. 

Be happy, enjoy the rains. See you when I see you :-) 

Love,
Anuja    

Just Another Women's Day

Women’s Day they cheer,

Fortune favors the brave;

And yet this “kick-ass” woman,

Cannot her sanity save.

I marvel at the ladies

That saunter tough with grace,

I fail at half they do

And scamper to save face.    

Fear and anxiety

Are my eternal mates,

I can’t help but wonder,

At folks who accept their fates.

I am my self’s enemy,

I am my own friend,

Everything starts with me,

And I beget my own end.

I’m tired of fighting my soul,

A creature so wild and free;

Taming it takes up all I got,

And leaves not an ounce of peace wee.

Torn between good and immoral,

I toil and douse the fire in my heart;

Doing what the world deems right,

Yet feel so empty in every part.

My soul claims each breath,

Every step I take is mine,

And still at the close of it all,

Nothing seems fine.

Coz some like me who appear,

To have it all together;

Are the weakest when dawn breaks,

As we assemble in our cap each feather.  

When the sun comes up,

We rise with determination new,

Wish all the good we do unto you,

Would come back to us someday, too.

For now we wait and watch,

And go with the flow but fickle;

Veiling our powers and dreams,

That you sell for a dime and nickel.

More power to all of us, ladies.

And the men, who sometimes need more confidence, support and motivation than the erstwhile “weaker” sex.  

Love,

Princess

New Year, Old Ambitions

I find it funny and frustrating when people say they are waiting for the "right" time to do/start something that they call a passion or goal. 

We have the proverb " No time like the present" thrown to us from the pages on the web and even before that, from the our grammar books in school, and yet people don't get the message.

I find it ironic and infuriating that I am one of these people. 

This procrastinating tendency has kept my childhood dream of writing a book under cover for years. 

I watch the bursting shelves in bookstores and the endless views online for books published by individuals who don't even qualify to be called a writer. Writing endless supplements during matriculation and college sure isn't a pre-requisite (or precursor) for this talent. But if I'm such a whiz in this area, then why the hell have I not done anything to keep bookworms content with my potential?

No answer.

Just too busy with life to even write on my blog called Life...

A blog that you wonderful people have decided to follow and subscribe, visit and motivate. 

Work happened, marriage and motherhood. Other goals became priority and this item on my wish list was pushed deeper below. Despite my uncle promising to publish my book of poems, and despite my husband encouraging me to commence on my writing journey, I have managed to take a step and a few more, but never reached the destination. The intent is there, the effort missing. 

I am not brave enough to quit my full-time, well-paying, cushy, satisfying job and pursue this hobby. Quick gratification and security is blinding my eyes to the glimmer of fame and freedom. Even before I have worked on the plot of my story, writer's block and laziness are scarring my dedication. What if it doesn't work out? What if it's just another book on the shelf, a tale in the saga? What if the book fails? What if people ridicule and shun it? What if I don't get published? What if my books lie untouched in bookstores? What if I become the laughing stock of the society?

I know none of this will happen. Even if it does, I won't be the first, or the last, or the only one. Yet, I am afraid. 

Venting on this blog to you is one thing, friends. Writing a book and exposing myself to the world is an entirely different ball game. 


Wise men ponder while fools rush through. My dillydallying is leading me nowhere. 

Show me the way, God. 

Show all of us uninitiated ones where we need to be and what we need to do to get there.

I put myself in your hands. 

Coz I'm so clueless and lost...

Riding pillion, with no passion of my own. Just going with the flow, and yet having to battle it out with the waves. Helpless in my aggression and stumped in my frustration. 

I need a time out. 

Anuja, OUT. 


- Princess 

Catch your Dreams

Hey there. 

Having to deal with idiots is no joke. Look around and you will find them in plenty, at work and outside - no dearth of them at all. Birdbrains, the bunch of them. 

( Grrr )

And it's worse when you're having restless nights abounding in nightmares.

Not a mighty chirpy temperament that I'm in, I'm sure you can tell.

So, well. I'm back from my sojourn - first to the north and then down south (like not really down down, but kinda downer than where I generally am). I was thinking that I'd be pleased to be away from the city (and most importantly, routine) during this period. But well, I did get homesick after a while and wanted to return to home-made food and family.

Landing in Pune was a delight, and things are back to normal (too fast for my liking!)

So, for those of who are wondering why I'm getting nightmares...

(You forgot, right? That's all right. Shan't let you go unless I address this.)

So, I met my colleagues from Hyderabad, China and the US in HYD. It was great catching up with all of them and learning together. Needless to say, I got heaps of gifts from them and I couldn't wait to return to Pune to adorn my desk and home with them. One of the gifts was a dream catcher, and for those of you who don't know what that is, here is a picture of what mine looks like.

Dream catchers are one of the most fascinating traditions of Native Americans. The traditional dream catcher was intended to protect the sleeping individual from negative dreams, while letting positive dreams through. The positive dreams would slip through the hole in the center of the dream catcher, and glide down the feathers to the sleeping person below. The negative dreams would get caught up in the web, and expire when the first rays of the sun struck them.

(Read more here: http://www.dream-catchers.org/)

Not surprisingly, I was mighty excited to get this gift and I was aching to put this up in my bedroom to give my bub and hub wonderful, rosy, happy dreams. 

Turns out, our next couple of nights were anything but pleasant. Both me and my husband, baby too I think, tossed and turned and experienced restlessness. I refused to believe that the dreamsnare was to blame, but my doubts were confirmed when my hubby also expressed the same thought. 

I did a bit of research online (obviously), and I came across several people who had reported poor nights after putting up a dream catcher. Is it true? Is it just our imagination? Stress? 

Can't say for sure. But I did take it off and we shall wait and watch how the next few nights go.

They say the best dreams are seen with your eyes wide open. 

Unless you're only daydreaming without any constructive effort. 

Apart from that, I am sorry to say, I did not catch up on writing and blogging as planned. I was brooding over how I missed my baby and home, and actively engaging on social networking websites to keep my loneliness at bay. I did manage to read though - Shikhandi by Devadutta Pattanaik and With a Pinch of Salt by Jas Anand. The former is intriguing, the latter, well it's all right, nothing remarkable. Tends to drag. 

I'm now reading Vish Dhamija's Deja Karma and it's quite interesting. I hope it keeps up the pace and suspense - been a while since I read John Grisham or Perry Mason, and I do love courtroom dramas.

The baby's doing fine, thanks for asking :-) He's getting naughtier (and cuter!) by the day, though he gives me ample reason to fret when he does not sleep or eat well. I'm wondering about his education already, given that parents these days plan ahead like the world's going to end if they enrol their kids in a 2nd preference school. Any tips from experienced folks are most welcome. I could do with some ready info that I don't have to verify or dig up amidst my 100 chores and responsibilities. 

That's that for now, fellas. 

Hoping to catch some fun dreams tonight!


Cheerio!
Anuja

We're Too Different ...

Well, hello there!

Been a while since I penned poetry, a realization that dawned when a fellow poet and colleague shared his creations. 

Somehow poetry is the last thing on my mind even as I contemplate a hundred imaginary things on a daily basis. To set words in rhyme needs a very positive frame of mind, and galloping behind a kid is not a very conducive environment for that, you see. 

However, here is a little something that flowed out not so long ago... 
The context we shall ignore, but here's the poem for you to mull over. 

All you people who think compatibility is a concern when two individuals are poles apart in thought (not values). This should leave a mark and set you thinking...

You say we are too different, 
And I heartily agree.
But how different
Are we exactly? 

I love you, 
Don't you love me? 
You miss me,
Don't I miss thee? 

Being different is a boon, 
It makes us a formidable force. 
To tackle all the challenges, 
That knock on our doors. 

It means the best of both worlds, 
We can give to our lucky lives. 
The crazy and sensible stuff I bring
To your practical and unplanned side. 

I do what you enjoy, 
And you do as I say. 
We rejoice and succeed together, 
Come what obstacle may. 

It won't be too easy, 
Far from a cakewalk divine. 
But I know I shall be yours forever, 
And you mine until the end of time. 

That's what brought us together, 
Only to drive us apart. 
We can sort out all the mess, 
If we try from the heart. 

Be the man of my dreams, 
And I'll be your wife charming.
I don't want to let you go, 
You're my life, my darling. 

I know I can be tough, 
Yet I belong to you.
If I am my worst at times, 
Help me be better, won't you? 

I'll try all I can
To make you smile, my dear
Will you not try as well, 
To keep us both near? 

Let's make a life pleasant, 
And gift to each other ease
Let's bring back to our lives, 
Success, joy and peace.

Maybe this test of time
Was a wake up call for us, 
Maybe we ought to consider
Before we miss the bus. 

The ball now lies
Rolling in your court. 
You're the general and leader
Of my heart and our fort. 

Choose wisely!

***

And for those who are waiting in the wings wanting you to fail...

Nimbu mirchi to them ;-)

 


Live it up!

Cheerio!
Princess

Fright Time

If you're as big a horror movie buff as me, then you sure need to watch the films listed below (unless you have already, in which case you can watch them again)...


Let me also tell you that I get freaked out by most movies, or atleast some scene in most spectral movies. This might make you call my taste rubbish, but hey, this is my blog, and I will talk about my fav horror films in this post. Just so we're clear :-)


Here's the "ghostly" list (not in any particular order). 7 movies for the next week, one night at a time...



1. Bhoot - My all time fave Hindi horror movie. It was a rage back then, but even now, you will see people speaking about Urmila's awesome acting and the terrific direction. This Bollywood movie gave me sleepless nights, and had me clamoring each time it was talked about or screened on TV (edited obviously, but exciting nevertheless). Good performances by the other actors, too - Rekha, Ajay Devgn (Devgan / Devgun / whatever).


2. Forget me not - I watched this recently and loved the climax. Totally unexpected end. It's about a group of friends and how their friends start forgetting them once they are dead. Who's killing them? Why? How is everybody's memory erased? Great watch.

3. Ragini MMS - Interesting story, simple yet gives you the chills. A guy tries to seduce his girlfriend to create a porn video, and things start going awfully wrong in the deserted house.


4. The Exorcism of Emily Rose - Now this is a brilliant movie, perfect in every sense. A lot of its scenes have been ripped off by other unimaginative directors. Yet, the thrill quotient is nothing short of extreme. No doubt you've watched a lot of exorcism dramas, but this one really takes the cake. Don't miss it.

5. Pet Cemetry - A very old movie, but remains on the top 10 list of any horror page. It's a story of a family that loses a pet and then a child. With a life-giving cemetry situated next door, what would you expect?


6. Raaz / 1920 - Now I am not particularly fond of the actors in both these films, but there is something very rugged and believable about them both. Dead lovers and their vengeance - that thought deserves a rightful place on this list. Watch and enjoy!!


7. The Ring - Innovative. Creepy. Nice flick. You watch a movie, and then get someone else to watch it right after so that you can skip being murdered. What's the story? Who's the little girl? Crazy sh*t.


I could recommend a lot of other movies - Shelter, The Unborn, Talaash, Vaastu Shastra, Shining, Phoonk 2, Apparition, Darna Mana / Zaroori Hai and some others that are more thrilling than horror like The Omen, Final Destination, Orphan and Bhool Bhullaiya. I also know Paranormal Activity and Blairwitch have their own charm, but I don't like the live camera series. Borrrrrring to keep watching for 2 hours and get scared for less than 2 minutes. Need something faster and scarier.


Happy, spooky December !!!

Boo :-)

Princess

Distress ... or Not

Hello...


Quite a few of you have asked for an update on my eye surgery... about whether its finally happening or I've abandoned the idea for good...


Let me tell you what happened after that fateful, distressful Saturday.

I sulked all day, cut myself off from community and decided to get a good weep. Obviously people came forth with sympathy, support and goodwill. Didn't work. Had already warned them that it was futile. They came anyway. YOU came anyway. Thanks, appreciate the thought and effort. But was still low. Still morose. Still upset with God.


Sunday was quite a nice day, in the sense that I gave no thought to what was past, and had heaps of fun with an unexpected visitor that I don't know if I truly love or dearly detest. Maybe I do both.

We watched Delhi Belly and had dinner at a Chinese joint called Shee (yes, its "Shee", no typo there) in Kubera Park, Wanowrie. The movie was grossly delightful, hilarious and paisa vasool. The dinner was terrible, and further made horrid by the fact that we had a brawl that cleared up later.


(Not gonna give you a review on DB, as most people have already seen it, some more than 2 or 3 times. While I won't say that it's really that appealing, it sure is worth going once. Be open to the fact that youth these days do speak with a lot abuses and slang. I've heard the Hindi version is more yuck than the Hinglish one, not surprising as swear words sound more passionate in Hindi than any firang language. Might go for the Hindi one sometime...)


Yep, so... I decided to check with another doc about my laser, and he was ready to operate on me the very same week. I was drunk with elation, and went for all the basic and advanced tests that he wanted. Only to be told after 4 hours, in the final minute before the surgery time was to be fixed, that the first doc had screwed my right eye flap partially and so the laser had to be postponed 3 weeks until it healed.

Mr. Ambarish Darak, this is for you...
(The rest, pls pardon my language)

DARAK, YOU SICK BUGGER, YOU SUCK!!

Not only are you an inhuman jerk incapable of empathetically handling your clients, but also an unprofessional pimp who did not even bother to examine my eye to see if everything was ok after the equipment conked a few seconds post my surgery was initiated. I was merely prescribed a few drops, no extra precautions, and told that I would be informed about the next possible date for surgery once the machine was repaired. That too, after cancelling/postponing my lasik twice 2 months ago...

Dr. Rahul - I know you were helpless, being an assistant to the disgusting Darak, but at least you could have fulfilled your professional obligation by calling me for a check-up to see if all was well with my eye.

You guys just turned me away and forgot all about me!! On hindsight, I see that you yourself must have been shitting bricks coz of my extreme mental and physical reaction, but this was no way to handle a customer. I can't remember one apology or kind word said to me in my stressful moment...

Guess who's never coming back and never giving you guys a positive referral... Zyvision is on my block list... and my black list.

Shan't forgive you, guys!

Anyway, thanks to Dr. Jeevan Ladi for testing me and refusing to treat me before my flap got back in place. And thanks is also in order for Dr. Salil Gadkari, a thorough gentleman, who guided me to the right doc - Dr. Ladi, the best one in Pune with superior knowledge and equipment, and also a hint of humanity and professionalism, that was visible even in the brief meeting that we had.


For now, I'm too disheartened to go back for the laser. I've called it off till Novemeber. Let's cross the bridge when we come to it.


To liven up my life and raise my spirits, I gave myself a mini-makeover.
Hair color!
Red :-D

Yeah!! Pretty, bold, magenta red streaks that make me smile and the world gloat...

Funky eye frame in queue, followed by my birthday shopping - jeans, footwear, and accessories!!

And now I can delay the moment no further...
What's gotta be done, ought to be done...

Sorry, Lord, that I mistrusted and blamed you for my troubles and failures. You always protected by me even when I was doing something that would make my life worse. You denied the curse that I was wanting, and you accepted my subsequent anger and hate for no fault of yours. I am extremely apologetic and embarrassed. But I know you love me, and you don't mind. I called you names, and criticised your judgement, powers and fairness. And yet, you did not give up on me. You continued to stand by, no matter how I behaved...

You're awesome, dude!! Love you.

Guess who's blessed and tends to forget it...


Your truly :-)


G'day!
Princess

Deadly Distress

When disappointment strikes, nothing, and I mean NOTHING – no person, no words, no material can fix it and makes things better.

It’s inadequate and silly to repeat the cliché’s that it’ll all be fine and nothing lasts forever, and happened for a reason, and better things in store.

Doesn’t work. Doesn’t give any solace or joy.

Can’t take away the sorrow, frustration and desperation.

It really makes no sense to be told to not give up hope, to keep trying and be strong, and to realise that other people have greater and more serious problems…

All the logic and optimism is fine, but it does NOT help in any way when a person is feeling truly in the dumps.

While it is appreciable on the part of people to participate in the grief, sometimes distance from all things living (or at least all things talking!) is the only way to be.

Like, for example, when somebody close expires. And you want to be alone. And you want to cry. Or maybe NOT cry because you’re in some other dimension, reliving memories and thinking about life and the transience of relationships and the like. And people around you expect you to be a certain way and respond to their expressions of sympathy.

It’s sooooooo NOT happening!

I’m a strong person, and trust me when I say that I usually have a fairly positive approach towards life. In fact, people overestimate my strength, perseverance and determination… much to my chagrin…

But there are times when I am weak; I’m human after all! It’s ridiculous when in my hard times, I’ve to keep my emotions on the back-burner, to be there and console someone who’s feeling bad for me!

Where’s all this stemming from? I’ll tell you… Not that it’s a secret anyway. I’ve just not mentioned this on my blog in a really long time.

I don’t recall if you recall I told you about my planned eye laser surgery. I’ve had glasses for well over 15 years, and you can never realise what it means unless you are bespectacled yourself. You might think “oh what’s the big deal, so what if you have specs, it’s all right” and blah. But you’ll never comprehend how upsetting it is to keep looking for your glasses like a blind man, or to squint in agony when you can’t recognize something or someone from afar…

The point being, I was really excited about my lasik (that’s what the laser eye operation to set your eyesight right is called) and my anticipation only multiplied when it got canned thrice. Once coz the doc was travelling, the second time when the doc was unavailable for I forget what reason, the third time when my mum’s astrologer forecasted that it wasn’t a good time for me to get operated. (Some saade-sati crap… I’ve been under saade-sati all my life, methinks… humphhh.)

So twice in March and once in June my hopes came crashing down. I vowed to go ahead with the procedure come what may in July this year. The date was set for the 2^nd, and there was not one miss in my preparation. I thought of the tiniest details and made sure that nothing was forgotten or ignored. Being a systematic and organized person, it’s the easiest thing for me to be “ready” for something. And something as BIG as this, woah… You’re kidding me if you say I should have done better!

The day dawned. I didn’t sleep too well, obviously, given the ecstasy and eagerness. My parents accompanied me to the clinic (Dr. Ambarish Darak’s Zyvision, off F C Road), and I merrily checked in for the pre-op rituals. I signed the declaration with a flourish, and was cracking jokes putting the other laser candidates at ease in the resting aka recovery room.

Three… no less than three patients got operated before me, and walked out with dark glasses, describing at great length what had happened in the OT and how well they could see now. I celebrated their joy and congratulated them on their triumph against myopia, hypermetropia and astigmatism. Perched on the edge of my seat, I was waiting to jump as soon as my name was called out for the surgery.

I scrambled out of my seat in a jiffy with a murmured “whoopee” and walked towards the operation theatre, entered the room like a jubilant child, lay down on the bed after cheekily smiling at the doctor, and shivered with an expected last minute gush of uncertainty and fear.

The doc and staff had no clue how long I’d waited for this surgery, how desperately I desired the outcome of this operation… Nor did they know how afraid I was feeling, now that this moment was finally within reach…

Within reach… And yet so far…

I was a nervous wreck and literally got cold feet when the machine started whirring on top of me. I could see 4 red and one green light, rolling like wheels on top of me. The ones that they show in Final Destination, Transformers and other sci-fi movies. I couldn’t keep my eyes wide and focussed, and the doc chided me for not cooperating. I tried to think of Ganapati Bappa, the god who removes all obstacles and gives strength and success.

Various drops were being put into my eye to make the procedure as painless as it’s advertised to be. I felt something like tweezers or pincers placed on top of my eye to keep me from blinking, and for a moment everything went blank.

I could see nothing. But I heard the doc say, his voice echoing like we were in a cave, “Anuja, there is some problem with the equipment. Pls get up”.

I blinked, baffled, unable to make sense of what was happening. I continued to lie down, hoping things would get underway in an instant.

The surgeon repeated, “Anuja, get up”. This time he sounded annoyed. I got up, and stood there, too numb to think, too mystified to be annoyed.

“Something is wrong with the machine. The pressure is not right. We can’t operate just now.”

I said ok, and that I would wait till the problem was sorted out. The attendant guided me to the waiting room, and I refused saying that others would ask questions and I was too embarrassed to face them so could I wait somewhere else.

He took me to another room and I started reciting the Ram Raksha and Hanuman Chalisa, wondering why things were going wrong, and that God would fix them if I remembered him in despair again at the eleventh-hour.

Seems like god had other plans in store. The doc walked in saying “The machine isn’t working, there is something wrong with it. Your operation won’t happen today.”

And that was it. I lost consciousness.

I had no recollection of when I collapsed and the doc and 2 other people had to lead me to the sofa in the adjoining room. I broke into a clammy sweat, and my clothes were damp. My vision was blurred, I could not feel my body and limbs.

My mum screeched in anxiety, asking the doc what he had given me and what was happening to me. I couldn’t even call her, though I desperately wanted her beside me so I could hug her and cry…

Why was I the chosen one to be unlucky? Why was god denying me the beauty of life seen eye to eye without the aid of artificial eyes? Why despite my trying so hard and getting up despite being knocked down time and again by fate was I unable to get rid of my glasses?

Why Why Why?

God isn’t known to answer questions. At least not immediately. May be not even directly or explicitly.

I was defeated. I was under the machine, and it had given up on me. What more was left to say and think?

I wasn’t embarrassed that people would make fun of my defeat; I was ashamed because they all had prayed and rejoiced for me. I could not face them.

I spent the day in agony, all alone. Cut off from the world. Partly voluntarily. And partly, grudgingly.

It’s true; at the moment when you need someone the most, everyone deserts you. Your family, friends, well-wishers. No one is around when you need them the most. You were born alone and you die alone, and the most crucial times of your life are lived alone.

And I know God is always by your side. But sometimes, just his being there isn’t enough.

Sometimes, his protecting you isn’t enough.

Sometimes, it is only the achievement and fulfilment of a wish that matters.

Everything else is a compromise. A failure.

Distress.

I’m not as strong as you think…
I’m not as strong as I’d like you to believe…

- Princess