There you got it. It's anger and there's nothing that I can do about it.
They call me chandi and say I have the worst temper ever. Maybe that is not entirely incorrect. But hey, I am way better than most people that I will not name here. At least I do not get violent or threaten anybody physically.
I cannot stop myself from expecting. I cannot stop myself from getting disappointed 98% of the times. And then I cannot stop myself from lashing out at the object of my disappointment. Call it the vicious circle but there is absolutely nothing I can do to end this process.
And then it would still be manageable if I could hold on to the anger forever (or at least for an extended period of time). This way, I will not bother about how the other person is feeling and not care about being hurt by that person again.
No. To make matters worse, I get angry in a jiffy and then overcome it in a short while. Which puts me at the losing end no matter what way you look at it.
Imagine this scenario where I am angry with my friend for some darned reason. All I want is attention and a sense of importance. Too much to ask for? Not according to me, but yes as per a whole other bunch of people. So, let's say that this friend did something that hurt my feelings (or ego - after all I am no saint).
And what happens next? Well, either he or she notices my reaction or not. Either they come over to discuss it or not.
If they notice and come over, well yes, I do give them a hard time because I expect some consideration from a person I consider close. But not as hard a time as I would mete out if they hurt me and did not even realise. The absolute worst thing that can happen is someone sees me hurt and ignores though they realise it.
Think over it. Just how tough is it to approach someone and clarify things? If the intent is in place, it is no big deal. But sometimes, unfortunately, people want to make a show of things and assert their own significance. For this precise reason, they throw their weight around when they shouldn't and hog all the limelight when they ought to apologize and make me feel better.
Forget all of that. Let's move on to the next step.
My anger subsides as quickly as it rises. I have a dirty (or good, depending on the way you look at it) habit where I immediately start empathizing with the other person no matter how horrible I feel. So, even while I am upset, I will go ahead and ensure that the other person does not feel wronged or hurt.
Sheesh! I am hopeless.
God, please give me the good sense to control my temper. If not, then at least bestow me with stubborness so that I will not take the first step when I am angry and hurt myself to set things right. I am done making all the efforts. It's time I felt cherished and wanted.
And if people cannot be bothered about that, well then I do not want these people in my life any more.
Over and out.