Smile Divine

That smile... It touched my heart,

I felt warm, I was glowing,

Just with that smile of yours,

You made me smile.

I looked carefully, trying to unravel,

What was it about that smile,

I felt like a teenager with her first crush,

That mad rush of ecstasy.

It made me want to fly,

And run in the wild outdoors,

Thanking the lord for the sun and breeze,

Life seemed perfect, 

Just with that smile of yours.

The way your eyes crinkled,

When you smiled and looked away,

Pure innocence, more than a child,

Beauty personified.

Never have I seen a view,

As pretty as your smile,

My heart beat fast,

My mind wanders to thoughts unbenign,

So unlike me, unladylike,

I want to laugh with you,

Loud and free,

And hold your face in my hands,

Touch your lips, look into your eyes,

Draw you close,

As you continue to smile.

I feel so brave, and helpless, I can't stop,

As you smile, you make me want to go further,

Not caring what happens next,

I could hug you, but then I won't see that smile,

And I can't stop looking at it,

It's magical, has me spellbound,

That smile.

Time flies as you continue to smile,

Your words fall on deaf ears,

I'm distracted, I try to concentrate,

But your smile steals my senses.

Pure rapture throbbing in my veins.

I can't wait to see it again.

That smile.

I've found my drug, I'm addicted.

You blush, and I can't help staring,

You could make me do anything with that smile.

The thought of not seeing it again makes me desolate.

We're strangers, and yet,

I'm in love with that smile.

And I can't wait to see it again....

- Princess

Fantasy

You confessed how much you love me,

And how I mean to you, the world,

You draw me close, so gently,

Turning mine upside down.

Your body beneath my touch,

Shimmering like a jewel,

My breath, rugged and hard,

I'm feeling ecstatic, wild, drunk,

Basking in your bewitching warmth.

Nothing means more than you to me,

I hope it lasts forever, this moment,

So perfect, so divine,

Where I'm yours, you're mine.

A shiver runs down my spine,

Threatening to make me lose control,

Each word you say sounds magical,

Every sound echoes in my veins,

I could just as well be your shadow,

You've got total control,

I don't belong to me no more.

The way you look at me, that smile,

That wonder, glorified,

As if I'm the air you breathe,

And the last drop on the parched sand,

You grasp me tight, that wicked embrace,

I feel pain, I'm safe, 

Surrounded by your love,

That you won't tire of professing,

Day after day after yet another day.

Is this a dream come true,

Is this my destiny coming alive,

The love that I yearned for,

Is finally all mine.

- Princess

Dream last night

I dreamt of you last night.

I know I dreamt of you last night.

I don't know why I dreamt of you last night.

In my dreams, you were at my beck and call.

Watching out for me, taking care of my wants.

As you did, back then, in real life.

You stayed by me at my worst,

Allowed and forgave my obnoxious self.

You said you could do anything to make me happy.

And that's exactly how I remember you in my dream last night.

Not so long ago, I could have had anything.

I just had to say the word.

You didn't have much to give,

But all that you could you handed over to me freely.

Now that we haven't spoken in ages,

I wonder how I dreamt of you last night.

Maybe you're lingering in my memories,

Perhaps you're prancing in my head.

Without me knowing or admitting it.

But I dreamt of you last night,

And I've been restless since then.

Don't you come back in my dreams again.

The way you did last night.

It leaves me with a sense of loss,

And yearning to see you again.

But not in my dreams at night.

Goodbye, Abba - You shall be missed

Subhash R Rathi.

A man of umpteen roles and talents.

He was a son, brother, husband, uncle, grandfather, partner, colleague, friend, advisor, confidant and guide to a lot of people. 

He was Abba to half the galaxy.

Amazingly, he played each role with equal ease and enthusiasm.

Abba worked hard and partied harder. He could travel for hours, create business strategies, sing and play games, mediate conflicts, talk to kids, recommend books and movies, learn a new skill with humility, counsel acquaintances, plan a vacation, manage budgets, go shopping for shoes or cutlery, converse with strangers, and negotiate land deals - all successfully and seamlessly in a single day. He had a knack of managing all kinds of people and situations with efficiency. I wonder how he did it. 24 hours are not enough for so many of us, and yet he lived every moment and packed as much as was humanly possibly in the span of one day. Every day. 

I can't remember the last time he said he was tired or not interested in doing something. Always full of energy and vitality, he never let his work or health get in the way of living life to the fullest. He was the first to arrive and last to leave on special occasions, and perpetually excited to celebrate moments and make them memorable - be it a neighbor's achievement, acquaintance's opportunity or relative's birthday. He was willing to help everyone, and did not hesitate to ask for it either. He was expressive and affectionate, and not shy of being his authentic self.

Right till the end. Which came too soon. 

He was not my biological father, but Abba was more than a dad to me. My godfather in countless ways. He instilled in me my love for reading and languages. I get nostalgic when I recall how he used to cut the book fair ads in the newspaper and take me to Institute of Engineers or Crossword where we joyfully immersed ourselves among other bookworms and lost track of time. Without realising it, he subtly gave me tips on prioritization, negotiation and finance management when he told me to only purchase books worth 500 rupees (later 1000) and decide which I wanted more, if I went over budget. He was generous, too, and if I could give a valid reason about my choice, he accepted it, much to my sheer delight and wild sense of achievement.

He was my first employer, who paid me 35 rupees when I worked with the regular staff, building infusion sets in the factory on Karve Road. At the tender age of 6, I felt confident enough to march up to his cabin with an appointment, to formally request an increase in wages. I now laugh with tears in my eyes when I try to imagine what he must have felt at these times, for he never admonished or ridiculed me. Either in person or behind my back. He chose to appreciate and see the positive in every person and circumstance. When I wanted to play on the computer in the only air-conditioned room in the office, the typist told me Abba would hang her upside down if he came to know, and I believed her, because in my opinion, Abba could do anything. He was a rare breed, and the void he has left in our lives can never be filled. 

I fondly remember his bedtime stories, my favorite was the one with the Green Ghost. His command over English and his fantastic imagination made those tales come alive, and when he dozed off midway through the story due to exhaustion, he left me craving for more, before I drifted off to the magical land that he painted in my dreams. I am grateful that he was able to gift the same experience to my son, Aarush, who was as deeply connected to Abba as I have been. We are all blessed to have been so close to him, and have these vivid memories we'll cherish for life.

Despite his busy schedule, Abba had time and sincere inclination to help me in my school projects. He encouraged me to pursue higher studies abroad. He was eager that I write a book, since I enjoyed writing poetry, and I regret I did not give him that pleasure. He said he was proud of me, but I think I could have done much more to make myself worthy of him. 

He was the first person to ask me what I wanted in my life partner, and I churlishly wrote a string of adjectives and qualifiers that I regarded as important. He never judged or corrected me, but only sought to understand my decisions with genuine curiosity and respect. Be it my choice of career or matrimony, he was consistently supportive, and his insight into human psychology, rich experience and expansive network was a boon on innumerable occasions. He was the one person I could turn to, when I did not know who to turn to. He was phenomenal. And he is no more now. 

His final moments were painful, but he left a mark on every single person he met. He never was religious, but he practiced the principles of humanity better than saints. He was not shy of aiming high and indulging in luxury, but he was grounded and practical. He was balanced, yet inspirational. It's hard to accept his absence. I feel lost and desolate, but my soul is calm, knowing he is watching me. His voice and teachings linger in my mind. We shall eternally be grateful for his presence and impact in our lives. 

Life ends, love doesn't. Abba is gone, but he lives on in our words and memories. I pray he is happy and healthy in paradise, and continues to bless and guide us.

With all my love,

Anuja

Out and Not Proud

Hey fellows, been 4 months since my last post. The covid cases in Pune alone have crossed 2 lac, and the lockdown has been eased in the interest of the economy. Not sure which is a bigger evil, but the Modi government I helped bring to power sure has lost my confidence. 

Not that the citizens of this democratic country are worth praising... surely there are more important things now to do than gather for weddings that endanger public health or have witch hunt campaigns for Rhea in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput... But I guess people are just bored now, and want some excitement in their lives. While bigger issues remain unresolved such as Indo-China concerns, whatever short-lived happiness comes our way, we reach out for it and lap it up.

In these dismal times, I'm grateful for a job that pays well and keeps me safe in the comfort of my home, my family is healthy and we have everything we could need or want. I know so many people who will remember 2020 as a horrible year due to losses, personal and financial, social and emotional. My heart goes out to them. I wish there was a solution in sight or scope. Soon, fingers crossed. Until then, hang in there. 

I've spent most of the last 5 months working and chilling. There were busy days training on overdrive mode, and slow evenings where I binge watched Netflix, Hotstar, Prime or Voot. Aarush chose to stay at his Granny's and that worked well for all of us, given that my husband is a loner who enjoys working long hours at night and keeping to himself during the day. 

I'm fed up, in more ways than one, and that can be hard to explain, given that I've got no "real" worry as such. Emotional strength and inner peace - can that be a goal for otherwise "successful" people?

Given the nature of my work and my life experiences, proving myself and being outspoken is part of my DNA. But I find myself wanting less and less to be around the people I know. Age must be getting to me, or perhaps I'm just among the wrong set of people. Am I depressed? I sometimes think I might be. I do think I'd have been happier and nicer around with more positive and fulfilled people to call family and friends. 

I've got wonderful parents, and their unconditional love and support has always been my blessing. But I've not had the happiest childhood. Bullied in school for being teacher's pet and academically gifted but an outcast in the Marathi clan of classmates, and ridiculed by relatives and colleagues for being not fair and therefore not lovely. Perhaps I'm to blame. I tried hard, too hard sometimes, because I was operating from the Adaptive Child ego state in Transactional Analysis. I still catch myself seeking people's approval, attention and appreciation. I should have ignored them, and lived my life on my terms. This need to be validated, to be the best, and to be noticed. Even when not required. When I should let petty issues pass and insignificant people win silly arguments. But still a struggle, though I'm getting there...

The one saving grace among this is my amazing child. An absolute delight to be around. He is far better than most of us, even at that tender age. I'm so proud of him. He saves me from Anhedonia and makes me look forward to the beautiful thing called Life.

Some days are happy, almost too good to be true. But the darkness is overwhelming on the others. Like I said, I should have nothing to complain about, right? I value my security and I sometimes pretend everything is fine, and I'm good at it too. But am I? Absolutely not. I find pleasure in helping others when I can, as much as I can. But can I be blind and justify lies, sorry. No can do.

This is my "coming out" story. 

Will you know it if you met me? No :-)

You'll hear about how much I like training, and how I'm enjoying Bulbull, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, Schitts Creek and how I sneak in a few pages of Mahabharata and When Love Came Calling.

For all my authenticity, I wear a mask too... Coz there is no one who can save me from myself. No one who can take me into the light. I guess I could/should do it for myself. But easier to go under. Unfair and despicable, for sure...

Keep that mask on, and keep your spirits up. We'll get through this.

Cheers!

Anuja

Heart to heart, in the age of social distancing

So, the COVID count in India is now over 1.50 lacs, and with the restrictions eased, it's definitely not coming down anytime soon. I hope all of you and your loved ones are staying safe and sane.

The hospitality and travel industry are ruined indefinitely, and inviestments have dipped, despite the relief package announced by the government. Quite sad to see NaMo not taking more effective measures, and absolutely appalling the way Nirmala Sitharaman is behaving. People dying and losing jobs seems to be nobody's concern, and that in itself is a huge cause for concern for humanity. I've heard people are struggling with mental issues right from isolation to depression and domestic violence. It's indeed a punishment for all our collective sins, and there's no going back to the old ways of living once this ends. We've got to figure out a better way to survive and thrive, as human beings, not just selfish and scheming machines, winning and hoarding at the cost of others' lives and dreams.

I see people seeking help on LinkedIn for jobs, and I myself have tried to support people as much as I possibly can in any way. Be it through charity or job referrals or just a conversation to coach, rejuvenate and motivate - the ways in which we can help each other and numerous. We should consider ourselves blessed to be able to assist somebody else, because this is certainly not the time to engage in anything competitive, destructive or negative.

Don't burn out, whether it is during your house chores, or while working from home for office. Take a break, do something you love and spend time with family. Count your blessings and do your bit towards those that are not as fortunate. As so many people have said, this is not a normal time, and tiny things can become daunting. Accept yourself and others with grace, we're each reacting to the situation differently and we're all justified in our experience and emotions. Life is hard, but we've got to do the best we can, and keep doing better every day. I see posts on Instagram and Facebook where moms are outdoing each other and others are just managing to stay alive and sane. I see some enterprising folks cooking like Michelin chefs and others burning meals. I watch people curse religions and politicians, and I see people engaging in random challenges and tags. Coping techniques vary, but being positive and sensitive should be the watch words.

There are days I feel grateful for all that I have, and I have a lot. But there are also days where I feel miserable like I've achieved nothing. I compare myself to others better or worse than me, and I am left with misery, either for myself or someone else. I know there are many people who feel negatively about me, and I see their response (or the lack of thereof) that reveals their hatred or jealousy or apathy towards me. I know I feel angry about certain things and some folks, but I try to be a better person each day. I fail but I try again. How about you?

Stay safe, all, and stay human!

Cheerio
Anuja

Unprecedented pandemic times

Hi everyone,

I've been away forever, or so it seems. I hope you and your loved ones are safe amidst all this Covid chaos. The numbers in India have crossed 21k and there is no solution or end in sight, which makes every day just a little bit more tough and unpredictable. Our agonies are a thousand times lesser than many others, if that brings any respite. While we worry about what delicacy to prepare from the stock of groceries at home, people fret about having nothing to eat. While we think about the next job offer or criticise boring meetings, folks are losing from their jobs. As we complain about being stuck at home and not being allowed to go out for recreation, people are either without a roof, or unable to return to their families. We miss our friends and want to enjoy our lives whereas so many of our country men are struggling to survive.

The situation is bleak, but I'm sure you can find something to be grateful for. I am counting the many ways God has blessed me, be it good health, a happy and healthy family, food to eat and water for our needs, a job that pays well and allows flexibility to work from home, flowers in my balcony garden, sunrise and the breeze, internet and sound sleep, being connected to family and friends, and the list goes on...

I find myself watching a lot more TV than usual, and by that I mean Netflix, Hotstar, Airtel Xstream, Amazon Prime, and Voot. Some series I recently watched and enjoyed were Panchayat, Asur, Glitch, Stranger Things. Skyfire and Marzi started off well but didn't do justice in the climax. Roadies has stopped midway, and my reading has ended unceremoniously too. Just can't bring myself to finish "In the Name of God" by Ravi Subramanian. This week, I promise...

I've been cooking a wide variety of things depending on my mood and laziness. Be it North Indian or Italian, snack and chat, dessert and savory items. Maggi has been a staple as has rice and junk, but I'm also staying true to my 10k step commitment so the guilt is at bay. The weighing scale does show greater figures than normal, but hey, nothing is normal right now.

As people post their struggles and talents, I also see folks crib about the government and spreading hate. Hats off to our community helpers who are serving others at the cost of their own lives. At this uncertain and ambiguous time, we can all do little apart from pray and be kind and help who we can, as much as we can. Hopefully god will listen and forgive us for our greed and sins. And hopefully, we won't go back to our evil common ways once things return to normal.

I did check the Tarot cards for this... May and June will be hard, but July onwards the situation will improve. Come August and we might have some semblance of our regular lives albeit with greater awareness of the consequences of our wickedness towards nature.

Stay safe, and take care.
Wish you hope and happiness!

Best wishes
Princess