The Friendship Volcano

I’ve often felt miserable coz I don’t have a comforting companion, a jigari yaar with who life looks absolutely brand new and hopeful and livable every single day. A lifelong chum who is a great friend – nothing more, nothing less.

I’ve seen friendships around me blossoming and ending, but the contentment of having an understanding, lifetime chaddi-buddy has evaded me. Someone you meet and befriend when you’re a tiny tot (or maybe a little older), and with whom you continue to share the same camaraderie ages after the first day you met... "Ah we’ve known each other for decades, we’ve been best friends since playschool”... Something like that, you know...

But hey, you can’t change that.

I thought I was the only lonely one in my part of the globe, but looks like it isn’t so. I’ve seen several folks who were best friends once and then drifted away over petty reasons, folks who became thick as thieves within a day of seeing each other, folks who managed to strike a chord with everyone yet hung out as a single, unattached person. The world is full of all kinds of people...

I wonder why people get attracted to each other (as friends, I mean). I’m thinking what is it that brings them together and keeps them together. And I’ve been speculating a long time. Hadn’t read the Mahabharata before this, you see.It’s amazing how I’m managing to find so many answers and so many truths in this saga, that I’ve been always seeking as a child and adult.

Having finished the Aswamedha Parva (where Yudi conducts the Ashwamedha Yagna to wash the sins of war) and the Ashramavasika Parva (where all the elders retire to the forest to lead the last phase of their life), I'm now about to start the Mausala Parva (Book 16; 30 pages to end the Mahabharata!! A yippee and a sigh... I'm gona miss these days and learnings!)

In the previous sections - the Shanti and Anusasana Parva - Yudi gets rid of his grief and guilt and accepts the throne of the Kurus. To be an able king and a just ruler, Yudi requests knowledge from Bheeshma who lies dying on his unusual bed of arrows. Amongst other topics discussed, one is about friends and friendships. Read on...

Yudi asks how one can choose/identify a friend, and how long friendships last. To this, Pitama replies that an individual is valuable to others when others can benefit by him. Human needs are varied. So someone may be liked for one quality and another for another feature. (For eg. you may befriend somebody coz he/she is attractive looking, and another individual for his/her study skills, and yet another for his/her social network.)

Like-minded people often become friends until the time their affections change. (Something like “birds of a feather flock together” till they reach a particular destination, and then fly away or live separately.) Friendships last as long as they serve some purpose. And this is a rule, not an exception. When the reason is over, the friendship also ceases to exist.

(I know this sounds very dismal and selfish, but please argue with the one who uttered this, not me who’s merely sharing it with you.)

Somehow this paragraph brought me tremendous tranquility. I understood why despite my best of intentions and gestures, people I look upon as good friends do not stay too long. Why those that chatted 2 hours a day are now no longer even on scrapping (on social networking sites) terms, and why those that met daily do not even have a second to drop in an sms or ring.

I used to marvel at how Abba is still on such excellent terms with his peers in college and school. I thought it is our generation to blame - a mass of transient, self-centered characters who use each person as a stepping stone till they get to the next higher rung.

(Which is what is hapenning in MTV Roadies as well - now Samrat is voted out, and that leaves Sufi, Naomi, Polo, Palak and Natasha. Twas an exciting episode - crocodiles and rugby and what not!)

I am not saying friendships are manipulative relations, nor has my need for good friends diminished after this reading, but I’m not feeling sorry for myself anymore for being a lonely soul. I’ve understood that just like the guru chooses the disciple, in the same way, the one who is meant to be a companion shall enter your life at the right time. And there is no way you can expedite this process by thrashing about wildly. Tthand rakh... hona hoga, toh ho jayega...

And the final word ...

Attachment leads to sorrow, and relinquishment to joy.

This is something I personally advocate. I’ve noticed that when I get too emotionally involved, I start expecting too much, and it hurts each time. The minute I decide to let go, and not let that person affect me, I feel a sense of serenity come over me. Almost like a sanyasi... And it’s so wonderful!! Until the time the cycle begins again...

Ugghh... Hate these vicious circles... But the unfo sure helped :-)

Trust this eases your doubts, too!!

Adios, and best wishes for Gudi Padva (Hindu New Year) tomorrow!

-Princess