Tuesday, December 22
Sorry been missing in action for the last one week. I was battling my own life which is posing more than my fair share of misfortunes. November and December have been extremely hard months for me in every way possible - work, health, relationships, future plans - you name it. It was all I could do to stay alive, let alone live peacefully. But I'm too sissy to kill myself, and so the suicidal thoughts that hovered on my mind remained unfulfilled.
Either way, I'm here.
Its admirable, isn't it, that the one who touts herself as God's favorite child should feel this way? I know someone who used to be very close to me believes that I'm fond of being miserable, I look out for opportunities to be sad. But given the circumstances, I did not have to try too hard.
I parted ways with my soul-mate over 7 weeks ago and haven't seen him since. He's left the void in me which Edward left in Bella... except that he wasn't as purrfect as Eddie! Hah... Wonder why it still pains when I think of him, or when I move about in places that we/he frequented. Wonder why I keep counting days since I've spoken to him (today is the 14th day) and why I hate and miss him simultaneously - a fact my friends find hard to understand. Surely I'm better off away from an individual who has only been abusing, hurting and misunderstanding me for the last 8+ months. Guess not... I don't know why I can't forget him, why I still mourn his absence... Apparently, his reason for kicking my a** was that I lead a merrier life without him to spoil things, but how far away from the truth could this statement be?? I don't know the metrics for so great a distance... God bless him, and I hope HE is having a roaring good time. I'll survive. Always have.
(And... no, my meeting and partying with friends, and discussing p***ses and v****as is not successfully deleting you from my heart even for a second... Nor am I doing this to seek sympathy from people known or unknown to me. In fact for this very reason, I shall disable comments on this post. If there's on thing I hate more than laziness, it's someone pitying me.)
As if this blow wasn't enough, I got the denial of admission letter from Kellogg. I know I was being over-optimistic when I thought I could be a part of this world-best institution, but I swear all my intuitions were prodding me in this direction. I was broken when I read the reject note. Lost all will... it didn't even matter that I still had a chance at MSU and NYU and probably even Texas Austin. I was crying every single day and this obviously affected my already poor health. Not a day has passed within the last 4 weeks when I haven't coughed or been ill. My resistance gave away back then and only my will power had me going to work and social dos sporting a wane smile as my heart crumbled every moment. My friends and family saw through my facade and they found it impossible that ANUJA could ever be this shattered and frustrated. I don't blame them; I myself never imagined I'd be so damned...
You can imagine my state. Plus I could not take off for a vacation as the boss insisted I be here to do things that were a far cry from my KRAs : read creating line-ups and recruiting recruiters. Some days were good, and some days were bad. And this task was complicated by my poor mental and physical health. I yelled at my parents, I shed bitter tears, I cursed God and I implored death. All to no avail.
My friends and family insist this phase too shall pass. They say the same things that I would normally say to any unhappy being. It doesn't work. My hope's dead and my faith lies slaughtered. I've stopped saying the Hanuman Chalisa and Ram Raksha that I religiously chanted daily as a "Hi God, how you doing, thanks for everything, keep up the good work" kinda gesture.
Smiling now seems an alien act to me, and I tend to treat everything as a favor. I break down at the slightest provocation and I have a constant head and eye and all-over-ache. My memory has gone for a toss as has my confidence and desire. Pardon me if you come back here and see the same post staring back at you. May not write in for sometime. Only wrote this time coz I did not want you to think I was dead and gone :-)