I’m been acting like a coward for quite some time now, and I’ve been seeking reasons to hide this verity.
I plead guilty.
Stumbled upon this bitter truth when I was chatting with Abba who was angry coz I was wasting my days and drifting around aimless, not challenging my potential and capabilities. In his words, I am “aiming too low”.
As human tendencies go, I immediately tried to shield myself saying that I worked hard for M.A., but did not get applauded. However, the truth is I did not try as hard as I claim. And I know it. (That my efforts weren’t rewarded is true enough, but this does not alter the fact that I was actually qualified to do much better.)
I’m waiting for things to change, though I know it is WE, as individuals and groups, who have to bring about the transformation. I’m going around in circles expecting that time will bring about what has to occur, and that will lead me to my destiny. I realize I have been frittering away my time, saying that once marriage is out of the way, I’ll start doing what I’m meant to do. Jesus... How could I be so blind and defensive? Even to myself?!!
I mean, think about it. (You might want to read this and this.) I chose Arts coz I did not want to do Commerce or Science - not a very proactive way to plan your degree. I chose Psychology over English coz I did not see practical value in learning the texts and literature. (Also, there were limited seats in Psychology, whereas anyone could opt for English.) Another decision through negation.
Decided to avoid CAT as it takes too much exertion and dedication, but slogged for SNAP (Symbi) and got through both the institutes I’d applied for – SIBM and SIMC. Having attended the GD and PI for SIBM, I decided not to go for SIMC as I thought a Masters in Psychology would be more suitable. (Later I came to know that my Fergi Psych-mates had applied there, too, so it considerably eased my anxiety.) Passed 4 terms with little or no interest, and here I am... Spending my days blogging and working (in that order).
Learning? Yes. Learning and giving all I got so that I can have a better future? No.
I saw most of my peers applying abroad to universities for engineering, management and other specializations. I tried a bit, too, and found a host of universities ready to take me, as I completed all the documentation and attended interviews sincerely. But each time, what weighed me down were the mammoth fees and colossal living costs. Too sissy to take the risk of a loan, I gave up my dream of a phoren degree. A childhood with my father was enough to drill the precariousness of finances into my mind...
Scholarships that I applied for and did not win, my mother’s declarations of how lonely she’d be without me, and a sackful of other points came to my mind. The verdict? That I’d stay put, work a bit, migrate when I got married and then do an MBA wherever I was located. Abroad, probably.
As my Godfather (Abba, who else) confronted my arguments, he articulated that the burden I was carrying on my shoulders was not a real one; it was my attempt to make me scale up to my perceptions about myself. My worst fears laid bare... And my eyes filled up with tears... Tears that I fought hard to control... And succeeded...
I guess I’m just nervous about leaving the comfort and familiarity of things in my life at the present time. I appreciate Abba, who went abroad more than 30 years ago, at a time when none of his acquaintances had even set foot outside the rural areas of Vidarbha (Maharashtra). Not only did he complete his education there, but also returned to start his own business when majority of the community went the “government job” way. Really admire him. Some guts he’s got!
And it’s not just him. All around me I see ambitious persons treading novel paths to reach the pinnacle they were born to attain. A batchmate Soujanya who is consistently doing something new and different, currently on her second scholarship abroad... A rustic villager who came to the city and has done his family proud... A waiter who is counted among the best actors today... And a million more; some famous, some not so much. But all winners for sure...
As Abba rightly said, a person who fears failure can never accomplish. Because he does not try, or he gives up too soon! And my fear of failure borders on the edge of insanity. I’ve never said this before. When I learnt about McClelland’s theory of achievement motivation, I wanted to believe I fell in the near-perfect category that comprises individuals who try very hard and achieve the best. I was so far from the truth... I only take up challenges where I know I shall be the victor. And that is not how life is to be lived...
Frustrated as I am with the current scenario, I don't know how and I don't know when my motivation will drive me towards my destiny. But I know one thing for sure... He's with me. And for every single pebble I brush aside, He will lift the mountains out of my path.
Destiny, here I come!
Inshallah... Allah Ka Fazal Ho...
P.S : Indians celebrate Makar Sankranti today, the festival when evil is destroyed. Please ensure you do not wish "Happy Sankranti" as you greet others. Drives me nuts when I hear that... There's nothing "happy" about disaster. You could say "Best wishes (=Shubhecha) for Sankranti" instead. Cheers!!