Apology cum Love Letter

I get bored with him as there’s often not much to talk.

I get annoyed coz he keeps complaining all the time.

I feel claustrophobic with him – I’m always being watched and commented upon.

I…

I… …

I………

It’s all about me… What about him?

He’s done a lot for me till date. Be it telling me bedtime stories into the dead of the night, or helping me with my science assignments in school, or planning my career and higher education. He’s given me money to pay my fees, he takes me shopping when he can, he makes it a point to call me regularly, and visit me when I’m sick in bed.

After the numerous things he’s done for me, I tend to feel ungrateful when I don’t take care of his needs and desires. Trust me, I want to be there for him! I wish to leave no stone unturned when it comes to making him happy. The only hitch is he wants me to do all the dreary stuff like hosting his vernacular guests and accompanying him to social dos. Which I DO do occasionally, but I CAN’T do all the time.

I know I love him. There’s no denying that. When he’s ill and upset, I feel his pain and disappointment. I can talk to him and bond in a way that I know no one else can. When he was undergoing some physical problems a few years ago, his agony coursed through me and made me whine. That’s the kind of connection I share with him.

I guess such is life. When I was a kid, it must have been a challenge for him to be available when I needed him, and now when he’s got ample time on his hands and needs me for company, I have to struggle and make time for him amidst my work and social responsibilities.

Which is a lot tougher than it was for him at that time, because I did not complain about his never having time for me!

Age is not on his side, and I am aware that it makes him cantankerous and grouchy, but his saying so all the time only creates an argument between us and spoils the mood. I try real hard to be patient and not react when he says anything of this sort, but I’m so often facing emotional and professional troubles of my own that it gets on my nerves…

I get irritated with him and simultaneously feel pity for him. The former coz of his stubborn and intolerant behavior, the latter because I know he really wants me despite being unable to put forth that fact in more pleasant and direct terms.

We are all helpless in our own ways. Rendered so by our schedule, attitude, preferences and accidents that we have no hold upon. Some might quip that everything except the last factor actually enables us to be more efficient. That is soooo off the mark. Tell me something, if I work 9 am to 8 pm and want to spend the rest of my time either with my friends or with a book, can you blame me? And then when I get some time off, I have errands to run like photocopying documents, paying bills and shopping. Not at all easy, mate!

Don’t hurt anyone, moments and people once gone never come back. Learnt this lesson from the Hollywood flick “Click”.

The movie stars Adam Sandler (brilliant actor) and Kate Beckinsale, and tells the story of a workaholic architect who finds a remote that can rewind and fast-forward his life. While it proves extremely valuable in the beginning, only later does the protagonist realize how many beautiful moments and persons he’s lost and hurt due to his selfishness and single-minded dedication to his work. His family and health is relegated to the sidelines and he regrets it all on (virtual) hindsight.

While I cannot be compared to this extreme, I realize that it is essential to prioritize things effectively and make sure that we don’t miss out on things that matter the most in life. Just like the mail I received a few months ago – something about tennis balls, marbles, sand and coffee… Have you read it? If not, I could share it with you here. Happy to help :-)

Before I conclude…

Sorry mum… I know I hurt you tremendously (and inadvertently, if I may add). I know you do a helluva lot for me, and I can never prove myself worthy enough to be your daughter. Thanks a bunch, girl! I love you tons… I’ll try to be more patient with your million questions henceforth… And I’ll try to take time out for you so that we can go frolicking around the city and country whenever possible :-)

And Abba, you know I love you… Sorry I can’t make you feel that as continually as I’d like to… Just believe me, please? I’ll try to be a better daughter hereon…

I’m suddenly reminded of Ronan Keating’s “If Tomorrow Never Comes…”
Lovely song.

Have you told your loved ones how you feel about them?

Go now. Tomorrow never comes…

I sincerely remain,
Princess

Hot Love, Cold End

Ali loved Lara, but he invariably hurt her time and again. He couldn’t seem to be what she wanted and he couldn’t live without her. Being together was agony, being apart made them miserable. Life was a dilemma. Nothing was pleasurable when she was afar, and nothing went right, despite their best intentions, when they were near. Some things are meant to be, some aren’t… Which one was this relation?

Samarjeet and Nisha had broken up 3 years ago. They had been going around for 3 years before that, and were sure they were partners for life. Destiny didn’t agree, and now they led their separate lives. Yet they could not forget each other. When their paths crossed, they felt that warm tingling sensation that was reminiscent of their memories together. And then they were arguing the very next second. Samar had put off marriage for a long time without really knowing why. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn’t want to accept or voice it out loud. Nisha didn’t know where she was headed. But each time she thought about her wedding, a youthful and loving face haunted her…

Madhumita was in love. It was something she couldn’t help. Ravi had asked her out a month ago, and she happily said yes. As time passed, her feelings deepened. After thirty days, Ravi blurted that they were two different people and couldn’t live together. Madhu was heartbroken. What would she do now? He had taught her to live with him, to not spend a minute without him, and now he was walking away…

Pehzaad married Sindhu immediately after high school and loved her like his own life. Yet he was irritated by every single thing she spoke or did. He ended up abusing and even hitting her in his frustration. It was like something was pushing him away from the very person his heart wanted to hold tight and never let go. He didn’t know it. She did. She wept in her sleep, and looked far across the meadow at the grassy lawn where they played as kids. Life seems so perfect and dreams look so right as an adolescent. And then we become adults and lose all track of what we want and what we need to avoid…

Pravin came from a middle class family, he didn’t really know much about dressing up and chilling out. Mona was the kind of girl he had watched in movies and dreamt about as a child. She was his classmate, and he stole glances at her whenever he could without her noticing. She never looked at him, he doubted if she even knew his name. It didn’t matter. He knew he would never be with her, but he liked her nevertheless. One day he would have a daughter like her, and he would name her Mona…

The hottest love has the coldest end...

No wonder people who love each other like crazy can never be friends...

And the cruelest hate grows in hearts that have the most profound love.

-Princess

Krodh

What do you do when you are angry?

a. Scold or criticize those near you?
b. Scream?
c. Hit yourself/others/objects/animals?
d. Fight with everyone you can see?
e. Throw things around?
f. Go for a walk/ride/drive?
g. Cry?
h. Sit quietly in one place and meditate?

The list is not exhaustive, as I’m certain there are many creative people who find myriad ways to displace or vent their anger.

I usually end up being curt with people around me when I’m angry – be it the object of my anger or anyone else. And knowing that, I go into my shell and frequently keep mum when I find it hard to control my emotional outburst. There are times when I really can’t stop the tears from streaming down (yes, even in anger!) and I shiver with rage. Quite a furious cat, I am. Ask my family… They’ll tell you horrendous tales about me.

(Don’t bother. I’m kidding, they won’t tell tales. They love me despite my arrogance and temper tantrums.)

Being angry is an emotion that can be summarized in two words, but cannot be described effectively in even a hundred. It’s so easy to say that one is/was angry, but the intensity and consequences are left for the listener to imagine and visualize.

For example, the last time I met someone who was realllllly angry, I almost got knocked off. He was offended about something I had said/done, and when I tried to pacify him by moving closer, he waved me off in a motion that almost floored me. No black and blue patches, thankfully, but I am quite sure anybody else in my place would have caught a fist in the jaw. And imagine, that person loved me… So, you see, one truly can’t trust anybody in an enraged state.

Then there was this other time when I was a lot younger and my uncle and I were traveling from Mumbai to Pune. Now you know how these tourist buses and Volvos are. They seat you in with false promises and then keep waiting for the maximum number of passengers before they finally depart. So, obviously people are frustrated and they start shouting, after which the bus pulls off.

The scene was no different on this particular occasion that I am referring to. We were very tired after our flight from Kenya to Mumbai. (Yes! I’ve been to Africa, I think it was the year 1999 or maybe 2000. Fabulous experience.) We caught this bus, I vaguely recall that it was K.K. Travels, but I couldn’t be sure. They said they’d leave in under half an hour, so we readily got onto the bus. 90 minutes passed by without the vehicle nudging even an inch. My uncle went up to the driver and asked when we would finally be on our way. He kept saying “soon, soon”, “almost leaving”, and other terms to that effect. No action.

When the watch eventually showed that 2 hours had passed, my uncle lost it. I have seen him angry several times, but never have I seen him as livid as he was then. He went up fuming to the driver, and I remember I was clutching his hand tightly, beseeching him to hold his temper and be calm. I was worried of two things – one, the embarrassment that would result due to the scene created, and two, his blood pressure rising and causing trouble. Trust me, I was actually scared.

But neither reason stopped him. He marched up and gave it to the driver left, right, centre. Words can hurt/frighten as badly as blows can, and I anyway get petrified whenever I hear anyone shouting. (I can’t stand people yelling, it terrifies me. So, even when I tackle disagreement, I monitor my volume and request others to do the same.) By the time he was halfway done, the driver raced the engine and set off. Hushhh…

I was sitting next to Abba, and I was anxious to speak to him because I know that angry folks commonly roar at anyone who talk to them. However, out of my concern for his health, I asked him softly, “Are you ok?” He looked at me affectionately, gave me a wink and smiled, “Yeah! I’m ok. Don’t worry.”

Relief flooded me. He means a lot to me. More than I’d ever admit to him or anyone else. He’s my godfather after all… And someone I respect and adore more than my biological father…

Aren’t I straying now? Sowieee…

When it comes to anger, Shiva is the god who is known for his raging temper. He opens his third eye at the slightest of slights and turns to ashes whatever it is that has incensed him. But do we also know that he is the easiest to please, and hence, demons and gods alike worship him whenever they want any smart or silly boon.

My brother more or less reminds me of Shiva’s temper, and till date, I scurry out of his way when he is infuriated with anyone/anything. All of us know he bears no one any ill-will, but catch him when he’s angry, and you’ve had it. We’ve asked him innumerable times to hold his horses when he’s bugged. Words and arrows are similar coz when released, they cannot be called back. And he often repents things he has said or done due to his hot-headedness. Be it punching his hand against the wall and suffering a fracture, or driving rashly coz something ticked him off.

You temme it’s not easy to control the temper?

Well buddy, nothing is easy. Not even breathing. The doctor had to whack us on the butt to get us to do it.

While I am no great authority on anger management myself, I sure know that it’s not right to be so ill-tempered. It ruins moments, it wrecks relations, and it destroys your peace of mind and good mood. So often you let trivial habits of your spouse or colleagues bother you, and who ends up irritated? YOU. And no one else...

Yup, I know I'm a smart one to talk. Wish I could live by it as deftly!

My case is that I get angry and hurt at the smallest of provocations, and I manage to pull that person apart with my piercing words. (Which are at times undeserved and very unflattering.) But I also cool down just as fast, if I’m left alone to chew things over, or better, if I’m pacified and cajoled sweetly by the annoyer. You know I’m good at heart, so you might as well go that extra mile…

Chill it, will ya?

I’m trying, too… Let’s buddy up!

All the best :-)

-Angry (but Sweet) Young Woman

Holaaa!

Just to say a quick hello folks... And updates!

Yellow Box is wound up and done, and I join IBM the day after, after finishing my documentation tomorrow. Quite a tedious process,I hear,but you gotta do what you gotta do...

I was in Mumbai these last few days.Of course, some of you may be unaware considering my blog is updated frequently; I post my blogs in advance so that I don't miss interacting with you and you don't miss me and my wisdom ;-)

I spent some quality time with my baby, gosh has he grown!! Shall upload some pics soon, here as well as on FB so you can feast your eyes on the handsome cutie pie :-) He's so naughty and sweet, makes you wanna gobble him up and smother him with sloppy kisses!! And then he goes all pink and angry...

Also caught up with some old friends and visited various hangouts. Mumbai's on another level altogether when it comes to chillout joints. There's a fancy place that sells doughnuts of various flavors and colors (Mad Over Donuts- MOD). It's located in Colaba, and I had the most awesome time gorging on Mango and Chocolate and Kiwi and what-not filled doughnuts! To take my gastronomic pleasures to seventh heaven,we then barged upon Theobroma, which serves chocolates and brownies and savories of different types. Reminded me of Choco-La, Pondicherry. (Miss you, Pondi!)

Manchester United is a great sports bar that has massive screens and an excellent menu/bar range. The manager knew my friend, and I was regaled with exotic concoctions thanks to his mixology genius. I also enjoyed the India-Australia match (obviously I cheered the Down Under team, who but naturally won!) and had a lovely, slurpy time downing fish with chips and mushrooms. Phoenix Mills, where this bar is housed, is a terrific place to hang out, and you must visit to get a reality check if you thought the Atria mall was great.

Fresh Catch is a good restaurant in Mahim if you like seafood (that I don't). But I completely flipped over Wich Latte in Colaba where I had some yummy soup served in a bread bowl, followed by a salad and bagels. That's what I call a perfect lunch! Burppp... Even Red Box, I forget where itslocated.Nice, young place to spend a few hours drinking and eating and catching up with pals.

Probably the highest point in this trip for me was the amazing pedicure I had (my first ever!) at Rudra Spa and Salon on Pedder Road. Bliss.....

To me, Bombay (I hate calling it Mumbai, only to be corrected repeatedly by Harshal) is nothing without its cramped residential and commercial quarters and bustling locals. I wouldn't believe I was in this city if I didn't set eyes on these two things. And as Deepti aptly says, you either like it or you don't. She does, I don't. Never shall. The weather, the distances, the people... Not my type... I'd never wana settle here, despite its accommodating nature and glam quotient. But to each his own... Cheers, Mumbai and Mumbai-kars!!

Gotta go...

Take care!
Anuja

Letter in a Bottle

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky.
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life.

I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there you'll be.

... There you'll be by Faith Hill

Dear One,

How are you?

How’s your work going? Are you still enjoying it like you did when we were on talking terms?

You took to your job like fish to water. It made me enormously happy to see you so proud of your company. And merrier still when you were appreciated for your excellent work and dedication. Did you know that? I had a feeling you thought I was unhappy about every joy of yours…

That’s not true.

At least not entirely.

I ought to divulge I was a little envious about your being passionately involved and wildly enthusiastic about things unrelated to me. Would you call it illogically selfish? I’m sorry. But I’m just too possessive about you. (Note: I still write I AM, and not I WAS.) I can’t share your loving me with your liking even inanimate bikes and food.

Yeah, I know I’m crazy… Have always been… At any rate, about things and people dear to me.

How’s your health? Are you still battling with your usual bouts of fever and cold? Your dependence on some extremely strong antibiotics caused me concern, and I still don’t like your family Doc (but I still smirk when I recall his comical, dirty name!) I hope you’re well and the seasons are not creating mayhem in your life and schedule. Makes me feel very inadequate and helpless...

You know what’s funny?

I always felt like I was your mom. You had childlike needs and desired instant gratification, be it for cold water after roaming in the sweltering heat, or for something to eat immediately after you meet me, even before you greet me! I tried to take care of all your needs and anticipate them sooner than you voiced them. I know I fell short on some occasions (unintentionally and intentionally), and I also complained when I felt that I wanted an able partner who consistently considered my feelings a bigger priority than his recurring, personal needs. Happens to the best of us, right? I hope you don’t grudge me that, I wish you’d empathize… I know you tried often, but both of us are bound by our upbringing, attitude, expectations, belief system and personality…

Though not my friend, philosopher, guide, you were always a merry companion. We were alike and dissimilar in more ways than one. We shared so much in common - a liking of all things fine and exciting. True, your gusto far surpassed mine, and actually made me more cautious. I know my prudence caused you frustration, guilt and disappointment, but we can’t both be reckless kids on a picnic in the jungle!

You respected my maturity, I am aware of that. And I forgive you for acting like a baby more than as an adult. Quite a few of our laughs have come from your acting like a small child - your smile, your stubbornness (that was as annoying as endearing), and your uncontrollable reservoir of affectionate, sizzling romance…

You know there’s no one like you. Never shall be. But I doubt if you are cognizant of that fact or believe it. No issues either way. I was enchanted by your mirthful laughter. I still dream of it sometimes. Even when I let you go I didn’t really let go of you. Something still connects us, I know you remember me often. I somehow know you miss being with me. Would you trust me if I said I miss you too? You’d take it with a sack of salt… But you know it… inside you, you know this to be real.

Do you?

I enjoyed a million movies, coffees and songs with you. Our tempers clashed throughout the time we were together, yet we stuck through it. You were more modest when it came to apologizing and making up, and definitely more effective in keeping us together than I ever was. I thank you for your commitment, and your need to be with me. But I somehow cannot forgive the thousand ways you hurt me - by walking out on me in parties, by threatening me, by saying mean things for no reason. It crossed my limits of self-respect and tolerance, I couldn’t take it any more…

Even then my heart aches to hold you, even though I know I can call you back, I don’t think I want to do that. Too much agony for us both... I know I come across as needy, but I really don't understand the concept of "space" in an intimate relationship. Forgive me for that.

Life has taught me that I cannot control what people think about me. And I’m sure not one to seek approval. I know what I think, feel and desire. I know what I am, and that’s about it.

Hey, tell me something… Did you think I’d forgotten you?

Did you think it was possible?

Well, let it be known that not one day passes without my thinking of you...

Of course I liked you a lot less since the time you were possessed by that other fellow. Unpleasant young man he was. I just couldn’t relax with him around. I tried, but I didn’t succeed. Is he still there? Can’t even write to you for fear of his reading what I wanna say to you and misinterpreting things and returning to haunt me again. My my, the way he’s raked up trouble for me. It’s a wonder you allow him to hang around you despite what he’s done and what you feel for me. But I guess we all have some weaknesses that we are conscious of but can’t rid ourselves of. I don’t blame you. But I do miss you and our good times together. There could’ve been so many more …

Hows your preparation for your exam coming along? Dude, you gotta pass this time... HIGH TIME... And what about your accommodation arrangements? Do you plan to move into a new flat or PG or what?

Your concerns still bother me... Whew... Stupid of me, na? I know you're grown-up and you can take care of yourself. You did it before you met me, and you shall continue to do it irrespective of whether I'm there or not... But you know, once a mom, always a mom... Sorry for the enormous interference and questions i posed in your life... Just my care for you, nothing else...

Oh, and I pray you get your Avenger soon :-) And with that, a sexy chic to sit pillion and hold you tight, not crib whatever happens, accept you as you are, keep you happy and content... and make you forget me and our memories...

Give my love to your parents, sister and niece. I often think of them, too.

I wish you much joy and success. I know your life is a lot easier without me and my complaints/expectations, but I want you to know that nothing I did was spiteful or selfish.

And hey, another thing… Please don’t reply.

Love,

Yours truly
(Even now, and for forever)

P.S. : Always meant to share this with you, can't recollect if I did. There's this beautiful music album called "Have I Told You Lately", and the first 10 songs make me miss you terribly. Here's the list http://www.123musiq.com/Have%20I%20told%20u%20lately.htm . If you ever have the time and inclination... I know you've always been the one who suggests songs and artists to me, but maybe this once, you'll appreciate my choice and taste in music... And obviously you know it's going to be morose and mushy, yet... Take care :)

Yoo Hoo!!

Some relaxation, some shopping, a visit to Mumbai, chilling out with friends, a visit to the dentist… And it’s time to join IBM!!!

Yep fellas! Today is my last day at work at Yellow Box, and I’m very excited at the prospect of moving on to further my life and career.

Optimos, inlingua, Alchemy, Yellow Box… You’ve come a long way baby… Time for IBM.

I went shopping for some knick-knacks with mum yesterday and movie the previous day. So, I can safely say I’ve had an exciting pre-quitting weekend :-) The movie in question is Housefull (the review of which will follow eventually in this post), and my shopping list included things like T-shirts (obviously), shorts, socks, scarves, footwear (naturally) and a riding jacket. Happy!! Tulsibaug ne who kar dikhaya jo MG Road and Laxmi Road bhi nahi kar paye. Hip hip hurray!! :-D

I must put in a word about this Waman Hari Pethe jewelry store located on Laxmi Road that I visited to re-size my silver-pearl ring. EVERY BODY in the domain of customer service ought to visit this shop and take lessons from the way the employees behave with their customers. I was pleasantly surprised to observe that such folk still exist, especially in Pune, where shopkeepers don’t need clients and treat them as if they’re a hindrance.

I bet you know about Pune’s pride Chitale Bandhu that shuts its doors sharp at 3 even if a customer has traveled half the city to buy a fresh pack of Bhakarwadi. “We don’t need you, come back when we’re ready to assist you” screams their every expression and action. Such a sharp contrast from Mumbai. Waman Hari Pethe (incidentally also from Mumbai) won a brownie point for being so supportive and gracious even though we had such a small task for them, one that wouldn’t even get them any money. The next time I want to do anything related to jewelry, WHP gets my business. And my recommendation.


Back to my POA, I gotta tell you about Housefull.

Now the movie ain’t excellent, but it’s not bad either. Those of you who heard/saw Rajeev Masand’s discouraging review on CNN-IBM, please don’t get dejected. I know this film comes across as a potpourri with bits and pieces sneaked from Meet the Parents, Night at the Museum, Pyar KIya Toh Darna Kya, Kal Ho Na Ho and All The Best. However, Akshay Kumar with his usual wit and charm makes it watchable. While he and Riteish Deshmmukh don’t do anything different that what they’ve done hitherto in Bollywood cinema, their acting wins quite a few laughs and smirks. Folks looking out for serious, intelligent cinema, kindly avoid. This one’s not for you.

Akki plays the proverbial loser in search of his perfect bride. He brings nothing but ill luck to himself and those around him. Deepika, who plays his love interest, looks stunning in this movie as does Lara Dutta. The usual mix-ups and goof-ups that are typical of a Sajid Khan movie are all in place. Yet, Boman Irani and Arjun Rampal don’t get much meat to prove their mettle.


Malaika Arora-Khan has done a cameo, (Lord knows why) and so has Jiah Khan, Chunky Pandey, Randhir Kapoor and Lilette Dubey. The music isn’t phenomenal though I liked the Oh Girl You’re Mine and Papa Jag Jayega tracks. The climax could’ve been better, but hey, I’m not complaining. I liked the movie coz it provided some much needed fun and grin. My rating – 7.5 on 10. Good timepass.

I finished Love, Life… by Ahmed Faiyaz. The book began to grow on me as I went deeper into the plot. I started identifying, predicting and experiencing the emotions of the characters, and that I suppose is the biggest achievement of any writer – to make the reader FEEL the words, sentiments and story. Even if his language competency is not up to the mark…

Every chapter commences with a relevant quote by a famous personality – Nelson Mandela, Robert Frost, and the like. Sets the mood before it lapses into the development and disintegration of various relationships. The tales themselves are uncomplicated albeit commonplace, and I bet each one of us can appreciate a particular situation/character having gone through the same ourselves at some point or the other in our lives. This book’s gonna stay on my book-rack, even though I wouldn’t count it among my bestest reads for life…

That’s that about me, how you been doing?!!

Cheerio!
Princess