Why is it that anything you say has got to be taken lightly or seriously as expected, and my words dash against inappropriate responses time and again? Why the hell is time, money and resource not a concern when you want to go somewhere and do something, yet challenges don’t seem to ebb when I express my desires? Why, for Chrissake, do you frustrate me by saying things that are better left unsaid? By making me feel unimportant? By showing me just how small and oafish I am…
It’s ridiculous. It makes me so irate. Why don’t u understand? Why…
… … …
Patty paused for a moment and re-read what she had written.
Then, just as quickly as the words had been etched, she tore up the piece of paper.
She knew he loved her. She was confident about it. Positive beyond doubt.
But somehow his past haunted her. She could not put her insecurities to rest.
Each moment, she readied herself to hear the worst about Kurt and her relationship with him.
To know that he was cheating on her, that she meant nothing to him, that everything was fake… It would break her heart and strength, but it wouldn’t shock her.
With Kurt, the only things that brought surprise were his selfless genial actions, verbal expression of sentiments and genuine care and concern.
Everything else was a given. He was quite predictable. Admittedly, anyone who looks at one’s own convenience and fosters one’s own ego renders himself quite unoriginal and foreseeable.
Yet, she loved him. Despite several warnings from her friends and well-wishers, she had chosen to give herself and Kurt a chance. A chance that she did not regret. Yet.
The first month had flown by. Kurt had been charming and upbeat about their being together. He bought her flowers and complimented her on her beauty and attire. He took her to expensive bistros and made her feel special. There was little she could complain about, considering the way he showered all he had on her, right from his attention to the desires in his heart and mind.
As things stabilized, they got to know each other better. There were fights and times when they felt they were walking uphill on a mountain with no peak in sight. But they persevered.
She would have given up at some point, had he not demonstrated trust in her and faith in their bond, along with sincere effort and dedication in his actions and ambitions.
There was one thing she could swear by – he wouldn’t do this for any and every one else.
She was special. And though he felt it, he often could not show it. She knew that, too. He had told her.
His excuse was, “I’ve never been in a relationship before.”
She did not know if that was true or not, but she knew very well (from him directly as well as others) that he had had quite a rocking life, in every way possible, some ways that were not recommendable for people from decent, cultured families.
While she appreciated his frank confessions, she was not too comfortable with them. She never would be. After all, one was supposed to be loyal and committed in a relationship, right? And a relationship was always a long-term bond based on love, understanding, adjustment and dependability, right?
Not the way he looked at it. At least until he had met her. Or was that a lie, a facade to dupe her and make her stay until his purpose and fancy were satisfied?
It wasn’t his fault really. He was a boy, and he had made the most of the opportunities presented to him in his varied professions and societies. To live for one’s own sake and do what one felt like without bothering about others was the way he’d been living for a long time now. However, he was trying his best for Patty.
That it wasn’t good enough at times for her irritated him, but he was a patient guy.
Patient or indifferent, Patty was yet to decide.
To her, he merely appeared as a lost puppy, who loved to play about in general, and who bared his fangs when cornered.
She had realised that he was beyond correction, in the sense that his past was undo-able, and he would never even consider underplaying it, or not talking about it in complimentary terms.
If she wanted to hear that he was sorry about it, and he was glad to have her in his life, she was sorely mistaken. He could scarcely begin a sentence without the word “I”, and he indubitably thought he was god’s gift to the universe.
How she wished he would understand her and her emotions. That he would comprehend that she only got angry and hurt coz she was vulnerable and anxious.
That while she was a confident woman outside, she harboured a little girl within who wanted to be told in no uncertain terms that she was special and beautiful, that he would take care of her and never leave her. That what she thought, said and did was unique and marvellous, and he adored her. That he often wondered why he hadn’t met her sooner. That she made a difference in his life, and his life would never be the same without her. That he was blessed to have her in their life thanks to her thoughtfulness, humour, resourcefulness and generosity.
But she knew he’d never say that. Depth of any kind intimidated him. He found himself at home with people who joked and gossiped; he lost interest the moment she started talking about their relationship, what she felt about it and how stimulating conversations would take it to another plane and level.
She feared that he expected her to be funny and shallow all the time. Who was she supposed to share her feelings and worries with, if not him? If he did not appear to listen, or gave unexpected responses, she would snap and reconsider her decision to invest in a relationship with him.
And she would have taken extreme actions long ago had she not truly believed that he loved her.
That he was making an effort.
That he was playing it slow and dumb so that circumstances would not overwhelm him.
That he was scared he himself might give up and take the easy route out by opting to stay single and unattached.
Life was confusing.
Patty sighed. She felt helpless.
To know you’re loved…
To know that you’re loved by someone capable of being the most perfect partner in the world…
To know that this person is not exploring himself and his potential to make their relationship divine…
Some things blossom in their own sweet time…
Others end because the sweet time was too long for the people involved to endure.
She wondered how their story would turn out…
Time would tell.